How do you healthily release anger?

[WarwickLife]

I guess this falls more into the "relationship with oneself" category.

Quick background so no dripfeed - have been through nearly 10 years of therapy to overcome a very dysfunctional childhood. One of the features of said childhood was that all displays of emotion were met with punishment or being shamed. I've done really well and have gone from being behind the 'fog', depressed, anxious, destructive and single to generally much happier, healthier and happily married.

So, my question... It has come to light recently that despite learning loads and making progress, that I still have difficulty in accepting and allowing anger. I have been exposed to a couple of very nasty people recently (one at work and one in my social circle) and they basically walked all over me, treated me unkindly and unfairly and with no regard to anyone but themselves. I was able to identify this quite quickly but felt super angry about the way they treated me. Due to professional and social codes (and other people's involvement) it wasn't necessarily appropriate for me to confront either of them on this occasion, and so I have been left with a justified anger at the unfairness and the sheer injustice of it all. (I also know their behaviour triggers feelings about my own upbringing).

Lately I've been finding myself feeling irritated at everyday selfishness of people (pushing into queues, barging past me on the bus, antisocial behaviour etc) and also getting extremely angry about politics. I don't do anything about it outwardly but have an internal monologue of irritation towards these people almost daily at the moment. My therapist says although this anger is not misplaced (as these people have behaved badly in that moment) it is heightened because it is channelled anger from the other situations with the two people, which I haven't released. He has encouraged me to find healthy ways of releasing my (legitimate) anger, in a safe space, not directed towards other people or anything, but in a way that allows my anger to come out. Above all I need to accept my anger and not suppress it as I learned to do as a child to survive living with my caregivers.

I am interested to know what ways 'healthy' people use to release their valid and justified anger? I'm not talking about the kind of anger when, inside you know you are being unreasonable, but anger that is justifiable. I am also not talking about ways to "manage anger" e.g. breathing techniques / counting to 10 - as theses are strategies to control it / suppress it and that is the opposite of what I need to do.

So any safe ways of releasing pent up anger? All I can think of to do is go into a room and scream at and punch a pillow.

Definitely running works for me. I've always exercised but started running back in january and honestly can't tell you how cathartic it is. I've had not the greatest year and it has been the thing that had got me through. Started on couch to 10k and then trained for a half marathon. Whatever outlet you find, if it's possible set yourself a goal so you stick at it long enough to reach the goal and make it become a habit. Now I crave a run if I haven't been for a couple of days and the head space does me the world of good. Sometimes I consciously think about things and other times I just have an empty head and I think then my subconscious is doing it's thing. I believe theres some science as well behind physical exercise and releasing chemicals but not sure about it, someone else may know!

@Antibles - I love the 'shit thing of the day', that will come in useful for rude folk, road rage etc but if there's 3+ shit things in one day I'm pretty sure I would start to get angry at the injustice of that!

Where possible I try to talk to offenders about how I feel but I hold a grudge for a long Time & have never worked out how to change this about myself. Or even if it's worth trying. Although I've started painting little peg dolls & I find that very calming 😁

I may try practicing the EFT thing-perhaps that would help but I doubt it. I just really really want everyone to get what they deserve!

I used to kick bottle banks... Do you remember the big sturdy dome shaped ones? There was a cluster of them in a remote car park at the university and kicking them whilst wearing my dms made a hugely satisfying smashing sound but damaged nothing.

Greatnorthwoods duly noted regarding the gun - if we ever meet I’ll be really polite!

It’s brilliant progress to not only recognise but experience appropriate anger, OP, in fact it’s bloody marvellous because it means you are beginning to feel safe to experience a range of feelings, something that was never safe for you as a child. Punching a pillow or punchbag is fine and really good if you do it while saying out loud what you feel. I’ve known people who keep things to break when they need to release anger (and I like the idea of the bottle bank - therapeutic hearing the glass break when you drop bottles in too).

What book did you read the chapter about 'verbal ventilation'?
It sounds similar to an amazing book I've read which shows you how to really get into the emotion you are feeling and that leads you to the limiting belief you hold that is causing the anger, fear etc.
www.amazon.co.uk/Voice-Therapy-Psychotherapeutic-Approach-Self-Destructive/dp/0967668433?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I came on to say bottle banks - save up all your bottles and jars and really smash them in - very therapeutic. Also, use a
biro to scribble really hard on paper (doesn't work as well with other pens and pencils snap!).

@NameChangedNoImagination I’m not sure driving at speed when in a rage and crying is particularly safe. If you’re genuinely in an “unbridled rage”, it’s probably very dangerous. It also doesn’t sound a very healthy way to deal with it either.
I’m another one who is an advocate of strenuous exercise. I like stuff that physically exhausts me and pushes me to my mental limit. I have no energy left over for anger then.

Running.

Also just letting myself feel it. So in a quiet, comfortable place, let myself feel the anger and pay attention to the physical sensations it brings up in me. I just get in touch with those sensations and ride them out. I don’t act on them or try to suppress them/calm myself down. I also don’t try to hurry them up and get it over with.

Try to link the anger to causes- both the recent trigger event and which previous events in brings back to me. I think about

1. How I would act differently in a similar situation if it happens again
2. How to prevent a similar situation happening again.
3. How I can make amends with myself and learn from this. Sometimes this about taking considered, retrospective action- like making a complaint about something/someone. Sometimes it is about making changes to my attitudes, habits and life,milked redrawing boundaries about situations I will willing go into or how much/which aspects of a person I will let into my life.
4. I channel the anger as the energy that will enable me to make that change. But I try not to rely too much on righteous indignation as an energy source as for me it can become a habit. I think it is better to use a positive energy i.e. moving toward something that is good for you rather than moving away from the negative as the latter can lead to frying pan/fire type decisions. But it can be very useful to let anger change your attitudes/how you view things.

OP that was beautifully written. Hrth I skimmed down and could see like minded people posting.
I'm so glad I'm not alone.
The red mist is so hard to handle. I feel like I'm on a stage sometimes but I've not been able to talk, and I still don't want to.
If you ever find a way to deal with internal rage that's being kept, please let me know.
Sorry. OP. It's good to talk. I hope you find peace.

@Weedinosaurus I didn't say at speed. It's perfectly safe. And why doesn't it sound healthy? It gets the harmful feelings out without hurting anybody. Therapists in certain disciplines use that technique.

@Lifebi thanks for the recommendation. The chapter I read was in Pete Walker's book on surging and thriving after CPTSD.

I think exercise and running is really good for dealing with anger about a recent event or minor event, but anger rooted in eg childhood experiences needs to be properly dealt with and processed and moved on from. Once the backlog has been cleared then it is easier to deal with any new situation which makes you angry which arises, firstly because you are dealing with just that anger and not also the anger lingering on from something a while ago, and secondly because the more you deal with and process difficult emotions the easier it becomes to spring back from things.

Anger and all other emotions are healthy and not wrong. It is what you do with the emotion which counts. If emotions aren't properly dealt with they can come out inappropriately, as an overreaction to something for something. That is where managing it comes in, but really properly dealing with and processing difficult emotions from the past is necessary.

I think exercise is really good for feeling better about everything, and letting out frustrations and annoyances.

And also another really good way of coming to terms with something from the past which is complicated, is to write it all down, what happened, when, why, and then read through it. Apparently this helps your brain to process it (I think I said that in a pp but not sure) and it also helps you realise and notice things which had been sidelined or hidden, and helps you deal with and process those things too.

Something which helped me was to realise that statistically the majority of people go through serious adverse experiences in childhood - that for some reason made me less angry at other random people as I imagined them also dealing with their stuff in private!

A pp has asked about running and hormones - it is endorphins I think - completely agree with that, running makes me happy for no reason at all usually

@NameChangedNoImagination - you said you were driving on a motorway. You don’t drive slowly on a motorway.
Your brain chemistry changes when you are experiencing strong emotions such as rage and great upset. Your focus and attention to driving are impaired. You may not realise it, but they are. I maintain that it is not safe.

I find forgiving people helps a lot. Recognising that is where they are in their life, they are unhappy and acting out some pain or suffering (conciously or unconciously) they don’t yet know how to deal with in a mature and responsible way. They just haven’t learnt yet. Happy content don’t make others unhappy, they want to share their happiness. Forgive them for their limitations and let go of your own resentment towards them. (That doesn’t mean that you should just accept people being unkind or unpleasant - know your boundaries and assert these)
A story I once heard: there were 2 monks from a deeply religious order who had taken a vow to never interact with the opposite sex. They were on their way back to their monastory and needed to cross a river. There was a woman weeping on the bank of the river, pleading with passers-by to help her across the river because her child was on the other side, dying and she had medecine to save her. No-one helped the woman. The first monk walked past, but the second monk stopped and said I will help you, picked the woman up and carried her across the river. The woman was profoundly grateful and went off to her child. The monks walked along in silence for a w

the rest ... but the second monk could see the first was stewing over something so he said “what is the matter brother?” The first said “how could you carry that woman across the river, we have taken ”. The second monk said “I may have carried her across the river, but you are still carrying now”.
So I would say forgive and let go. Hope this little story helps.

Digging in the garden can be good...

You could try the gym/exercise. Or get a punch bag on amazon. Perhaps anger management or cbt??