worried husband's going to leave me because of my sex drive

[namechangeick]

been with husband 6 years, 2 toddlers. when we were first together we had a great sex life but since the kids have been born I have had none at all. We have sex once a month maybe twice at a push but I just get the feeling that things are going to get worse. I am aware that he is a frequent porn user, up to 3 or 4 times a week which worries me slightly. I have no problem with porn at all as I have watched it on the odd ocassion also and we are very open about anything to do with that but the amount he uses it worries me.

When we do get round to having sex I just feel like I'm counting down the minutes until it is over and on the odd occasion have even drifted off to sleep. very rarely I enjoy it, i'm just so tired., up at 5am every night and husband gets home from work at 8.30 pm so anything that does happen is 11pm on and all I want to do is go to sleep, i can never even watch a film all the way through without falling asleep.

He's also stopped trying it on with me in any form as he feels he gets rejected too much which just makes me feel like shit but I've told him so many times, i just want to be romanced a bit instead of bish, bash, bosh. then as soon as i say I don't want it then just go back downstairs. not even a cuddle or a kiss.

Are there any ways to improve my sex drive

'Are there any ways to improve my sex drive '

This has to stop:-

'bish, bash, bosh. then as soon as i say I don't want it then just go back downstairs. not even a cuddle or a kiss.'

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Also, you're knackered! He can't expect this off you when you're so knackered- and to not want it with very young kids to cope with, is completely normal. He shouldn't make you feel obliged.

Could he help out more? Even then, it might just be how it is at the moment- and he should just accept that if so, IMO. Your feelings are not uncommon with a young and tiring family. xxx

He has as much finesse as a bull terrier.

No hugs or kisses just goes off. Maybe he ought to know that if he showed you a little bit more love and kindness you might respond.

Quite honestly I'd have trouble having sex with an exhausted sleeping partning who is clearly not having a good time.

Urghhhh. Marriages do end for this for sure but he needs to know he is doing nothing to turn you on.

i just feel a bit neglectful as he vocalises so much how he feels like i don't care about him but I really do, I'd just prefer an extra 20 minutes sleep.

he could definately do more in regards to housework. previously he'd do nothing at all but work but he's been working on doing a bit more. it's still barely anything but i can feel him trying a bit more. he'll put away the toys and let me go for a bath but has never done cooking, cleaning, getting up with the kids, made a cuppa, hoovered etc. i'd love for him to wake up one morning and to decide he was going to make me a fry up in bed but i still make his lunches so can't see that happening anytime soon

Yes, he may stray. He may look elsewhere to satisfy his sexual needs. He might leave. It’s the only fair answer for you.

I’m not saying he should, but it’s a fact that for some people sex is an extremely important part of the relationship and one which they are not willing to live without.

I’ve said it before and always get flamed. I have a high SD. My DH had low T. I was miserable with once a week. In the end, my husband had to a) seek treatment or b) accept it would destroy our marriage.

If your husband is feeling rejection (has he said this?) then he’s also going to be feeling resentment. This may be why he’s not affectionate. I went through similar feelings.

People who don’t understand what it’s like to have a high SD, often don’t appreciate the feelings that accompany it and write off this partners needs as secondary to the person with the low SD. This is grossly unfair.
Yes, you are tired with little children, but it’s both partners responsibility to talk and work out what works for both. Don’t like it at 11pm, can you instigate at 8.30pm as he walks through the door - type of idea.

Also this idea that if a partner helps out more, it’ll somehow bring back your sex drive is a fallacy. You might have a bit more time, but it’s not going to be significant enough to make a massive difference.
Plus, he should be helping regardless and not to earn a sex life.

Op, you are reading the warning signs correctly. Talk to your husband if you feel your relationship is worth saving.

I completely identify with the tiredness in the evening or at bedtime. Is it just that though? Would you be more into the idea of you were to try dtd at the kids' naptime instead? At weekends I mean. Perhaps you'd be less tired at that point in the day.

It's so hard when the kids are young. Physically exhausting being sleep deprived anyway, but then the amount of energy that they need from you, having to lug them and their belongings about everywhere, it all really takes a toll on your body, which while they're young is still recovering from pregnancy and childbirth and he changes you've been through with that. Sometimes you're all touched out from them clambering on you all day. Is this the sort of thing that is contributing to the problem?

Op is worried about whether her low SD vs her husbands high SD could cause him to leave. The simple answer is yes.

No, she’s not obliged to do anything she doesn’t want to. No person should be forced to have sex; coerced; or other.

However, equally, regardless of how much he helps around the house, the DH can not be forced into living in a sexless marriage. It’s as unfair to expect this.

So either both partners make an effort after talking. Or expect the inevitable.

I agree that the ‘not helping out at home’ and the lack of sex should be treated as separate issues.
If he isn’t getting enough sex for his needs he will either look elsewhere or use porn. This would apply to most people.
As for the housework if he is being lazy tell him he needs to get his act together and start being a responsible parent. Hopefully this will shame him into helping out a bit more!

@smile

I agree to a certain extent. A couple of months of little to no sex, I could probably manage (though I’d be climbing the walls).
A year and I’d see my relationship as dead.
Op hasn’t stated how long this has been going on, but has said it’s been about once a month, which is very low for a person with a high SD.
She asked a question and deserves an honest answer. I’d definitely be using porn and I’d look elsewhere after a while. It’s inevitable.

Also, with every passing month where tiredness is seen to be an excuse (surely the op doesn’t work every day), resentment will be building and this is more damaging than anything else. This may be why op’s DH is not showing affection. I’m familiar with the feeling.

I agree that the ‘not helping out at home’ and the lack of sex should be treated as separate issues.

No they really shouldn't....

Foreplay starts at breakfast, i.e. you make the person feel valued and appreciated and you will reap the rewards.

OP is currently coping with two small people, doing the house cleaning etc etc...yes he is at work but he needs to make her feel appreciated and help out, run her a bath so she can relax. Her sex life will return once she feels like a human again.

sorry, to clarify. I don't not have sex because he doesn't help around the house. i'm just so exhausted from the housework I'm just exhausted. I only usually sit down at 10ish after dinner and washing up then my youngest usually wakes up at 11.30 for first feed after being put down at 7 then again at 2 and up at 5. DH works mon-fri. I work sundays.

I am aware that I need to put more effort in. I've tried introducing new things into sex and we talk extensively about everything. It's frustrating because I used to have such a great sex drive and I really don't want to be like this.

Sorry but all I saw in your post is how selfish he is. Of course you're not bonking him, how could you want to when you're essentially having to also be his parent. When he mans up and takes joint responsibly for keeping your lives running then maybe you'll see him as a husband and a partner and actually want sex with him.

@smilethoyourheartisbreaking

You assume wrong. I’m a mummy and I work full time. We have a big house which I have ocd about cleaning. I know tiredness.

@seeingasyouareclueless god, you are so right. It gets to the point where I just feel like I need to have my own space and feel like my own person for a bit without someone yanking my hair or screaming my name every minute. I don't feel attractive at all. I put on about 4 stone after the kids and have struggled to lose it, i don't even like looking at myself in underwear let alone someone else

It doesn’t matter how much you tell the person with the higher sex drive all you need is kindness, time, help around the house etc...if they’re feeing rejected over a long period of time and are missing sex, they will still leave.

@smilethoyourheartisbreaking

I expect equity. I’m not sure what you’re saying or what it has to do with my advice.
I’m simply answering a question...will he leave if we don’t have sex?...yes, probably, eventually he’ll look elsewhere. I know because I’ve been there.

An observation of mine having read lots of threads on this subject from both the male and female perspective is that if a woman has a low sex drive, it is often blamed on the male partner not pulling their weight round the home (amongst other things), which is perfectly reasonable at face value.

However, I also read numerous threads where it is the woman who is frustrated by the lack of sex from their husbands, and I don't ever recall reading any complaints about splitting of household chores in those threads?

It seems that housework/child care split etc is only an issue when the woman doesn't want sex, yet it doesn't appear to stop a sexually unfulfilled woman wanting sex, suggesting that the underlying issue is in fact the differing sex drives, and not the household chores.

Otherwise we'd be reading threads along the lines of "I'm climbing the walls with frustration as my DH doesn't want much sex, but it's okay because he doesn't do enough round the house, therefore the sex isn't actually an issue because I no longer want any.

The OP does sound exhausted though, so irrespective of libido, I can empathise with sex being a low priority.

I'm just trying to find the balance of where I'm being unreasonable and where he is. I don't want to be that mean, cold person and make him feel neglected but I also don't know how to change the rut that we're in