worried husband's going to leave me because of my sex drive

[namechangeick]

been with husband 6 years, 2 toddlers. when we were first together we had a great sex life but since the kids have been born I have had none at all. We have sex once a month maybe twice at a push but I just get the feeling that things are going to get worse. I am aware that he is a frequent porn user, up to 3 or 4 times a week which worries me slightly. I have no problem with porn at all as I have watched it on the odd ocassion also and we are very open about anything to do with that but the amount he uses it worries me.

When we do get round to having sex I just feel like I'm counting down the minutes until it is over and on the odd occasion have even drifted off to sleep. very rarely I enjoy it, i'm just so tired., up at 5am every night and husband gets home from work at 8.30 pm so anything that does happen is 11pm on and all I want to do is go to sleep, i can never even watch a film all the way through without falling asleep.

He's also stopped trying it on with me in any form as he feels he gets rejected too much which just makes me feel like shit but I've told him so many times, i just want to be romanced a bit instead of bish, bash, bosh. then as soon as i say I don't want it then just go back downstairs. not even a cuddle or a kiss.

Are there any ways to improve my sex drive

OP, you are putting in the effort. It's going into childcare and housework.

Tell him what you need. Genuine help with your workload. Romance. Give him the opportunity to improve.

But don't accept the whining for more sex. You aren't neglecting him, it's not your responsibility to organise his sexual satisfaction. Either he shapes up and makes sex a viable option for the two of you, or you both accept that there won't be any/much sex now, whatever consequences follow.

Op, this is going to sound awful, but when you say you’ve put on four stone, are you now overweight?

This not only can dent your confidence, but also exacerbate tiredness and drain energy.

Perhaps you need to tell your DH that you are willing to work on things if he is. Do some exercise...even a DVD. Exercise can make you feel less tired believe it or not, plus as you lose weight you’ll feel healthier, more energised and much, much sexier.

I think it’s good because you sound like you want to take responsibility for your part in the ‘rut’ and this will be reassuring to your DH. By all means tell him to help out more...this should be the case regardless.

If you currently have sex once a month...aim for sex in three weeks and think about going low carb. I lost over a stone on low carb in three weeks and felt amazing. Granted the first week was awful, but it paid off.

Then aim for sex in another 2 weeks, again by then you might have she’s even more and will be feeling pretty good about yourself.

I shed 22 pounds in 6 weeks, just to give you an idea.

Also to be a good mum, you don’t have to give all of yourself to your kids. Be sure to have you time and don’t feel guilty.

If your DH sees you making an effort, you have nothing to worry about, even if it takes a bit of time to get back to how you were.

But as I said, he should be helping regardless, so tell him the jobs you need him to be doing...don’t ask...just give him his list.

Good luck op

It's a vicious circle.

I had this with my ex. He used to complain that I never initiated sex.

I never initiated sex because I didn't want to have sex with him because he was completely unaffectionate.

In the end we split up and I'm now with someone else who is a lot more caring and what do you know....... my sex drive is a lot higher.

@DBML Thankyou, your post is v productive. I went from about a size 10/12 to a 16 so quite a substantial change and I've tried to lose bits at a time but really haven't had any luck. but it took quite a hit to my confidence as I didn't even have any of my clothes to wear. I have the kids all day every day apart from sunday's when I work and sometimes just find myself forgetting about myself if that makes sense so just haven't prioritised myself.

I'm definitely going to make an effort to try more. I really don't want to get to a point where things are irreversible because in all other aspects my life is great. he's a great dad, the kids love him, and I spend every moment that he's home chatting away because we get on so well but when it comes to the deed I just find myself cringing and then feeling horrible that I feel that way.

also he's from a cultural background where it is expected for the women to do everything and the men work and get looked after and after growing up with the expectations his entire life he has made a real effort to modify behaviour which I appreciate is difficult when you have only known one kind of thing, so it is a big deal when he tidies the toys or watches the kids for an hour and he is still working on helping more

The problems not your sex drive.

'I am aware that I need to put more effort in.'

I think you have enough things that you're putting effort into.

'It's frustrating because I used to have such a great sex drive and I really don't want to be like this.'

You will get it back in time.

'I don't want to be that mean, cold person'

Because you don't feel like sex at the moment doesn't make you a mean, cold person. xx You don't sound that way at all.

I can sense that you love this man dearly.
Whatever changes YOU make to yourself, do for you though.

The feeling of getting healthy is amazing. The energy, the satisfaction of fitting into nice clothes and the feeling of being sexy. Your DH will benefit from it, but you’ll love yourself again as a person and not just a mum.

Honestly look at low carb! It was easy...I used to snack all day long on party sausages lol. I was never hungry and felt great (after the first horrendous week).

Fall back in love with yourself and your DH will come next.

Honestly look at low carb! It was easy...I used to snack all day long on party sausages lol. I was never hungry and felt great (after the first horrendous week).

Yuck all the processed crap and fat in party sausages.
Total diversion but don’t do this ^^

I'm a qualified personal trainer and the best diet is a 'low energy density' plan.

Basically this means loads of fruit and veg because they're made mostly of water, so you can scoff large amounts (of veg at least.) So you won't feel deprived, while 'dieting.'

This is similar to WW and slimming world. I personally found WW better than Slimming World, for me it was more flexible and I found it easier to incorporate treats, but I know people do that with Slimming World too, and it is more popular nowadays.

WW (and I assume Slimming World) you can do online so it isn't another thing you have to make time for.

Either way, good luck, and hit the fruit and veggies! xxx

@Maryclary0

I wasn’t saying it was healthy 😂
But it gave me the head start I needed to get through the initial few weeks of low carb. Initially you get a lot of sugar and carb cravings and processed foods do help overcome this.

Once you’re a few weeks into the diet the cravings go and you find it easy to opt for meals like chicken salad; vegetable omelettes etc, which are obviously far more healthy. Plenty of lean meats. Plenty of veggies.
Also, later in the diet, you can add complex carbs back in slowly and in small portions. The main thing by now though, is you’ve stripped the diet of sugar.

Sadly neither SW or WW worked for me, but low carb can be a very healthy option, combined with exercise...and results are extremely quick to see.

Sorry I didn’t make this clear earlier, but I hadn’t wanted to derail the thread with diet tips. Now though I didn’t want anyone thinking I live purely on party sausages.

Fair dos DBML
That’s interesting.
I’ve just gotten irritated with people over the years spouting anything that isn’t carb heavy as ‘healthy’.
But for a limited period I can see you have a point.

Weight loss = calorie deficit. The end.

@namechangeick it's very hard looking after young children and I'm not surprised you're tired. It's good that you are willing to try and improve your relationship but you must realise this isn't anyone's fault. It's life. Me and my partner went through a few years like this when the children were younger. They're now teenagers and it's better than ever. Are you on the pill by any chance? I found the pill ruined my sex drive. I felt like a new woman once I stopped taking it 🤣. He has expressed how he's feeling so maybe you should spend some time together without the children, have a date night so you feel like yourself and not just a mother. It does sound like you love a lot and it's worth trying to improve your sex life.

@LFLM1 'Weight loss = calorie deficit. The end.'

Yes, it's just a matter of the person finding a way to do it that they can maintain long enough.

I wish PPs would stop referring to OP’s DH “ helping” with the kids or housework.
He’s not a helper, he’s a bloody parent, and it’s high time he took on his fair share of parenting his own damn children and cleaning his own damn house.
If he works an 8 hour day then expects to put his feet up- what about OP? She seems to be working 24/7 on childcare, night feeds, housework, the lot.
I’m not in the least surprised she’s not in the mood for a shag. If I were her, I’d be phoning a divorce lawyer.
OP, your DH needs to stop sulking and demanding sex, and start pulling his bloody weight with the house and kids. Once he’s doing his fair share, he needs to learn how to actually woo you, to be romantic, to treat you with love and respect, to take you out for a date, and to learn what sort of foreplay you actually like in bed and how to a) get you in the mood and b) satisfy you, so that you will have more interest in doing the deed in future!
Good luck with retraining the useless sod. And try reading any starter text on feminism...!

I find a useful question to ask is:

Do I just not feel like having sex? Or do I just not feel like having sex with this man?