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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling with boundaries - opinions welcome/needed!

42 replies

AliciaWhiskers · 23/10/2019 17:08

Ok, here's the scenario.

Person A is in a relationship with person B. Person A really clearly states at the start of the relationship that cheating is not ok, and lying is not ok. Person B acknowledges that, agrees, and says the same applies for them.

Fast forward a little while. Person B cheats on Person A, and lies about it. Person A finds out the truth.

How do we feel about Person A if:

They end the relationship, given that they had stated their boundaries that cheating and lying were not ok, and Person B broke those boundaries

They don't end the relationship, because they recognise that Person B is only human, made a mistake, and boundaries can be fluid and flexible and can change over time.

I'll make my position clearer later. I'm just struggling with this at the moment and could do with some help figuring it out.

OP posts:

Savingforarainyday · 23/10/2019 17:13

Do you mean, will people look down on someone if they stay?

Yeah, probably.

Original poster

AliciaWhiskers · 23/10/2019 17:18

Well, I guess that, and what are people's thoughts on boundaries and how flexible/fluid they are?

OP posts:

HelloYouTwo · 23/10/2019 17:20

If person A ends it, no one , least of all person B could be surprised.

If person A stays, their friends may be surprised or worry about them. But they also know they don’t know what goes on in a relationship and that it is A and Bs business alone. Person B however knows that Person A didn’t really mean it about cheating and may now feel they could cheat again and still not be dumped.

MikeUniformMike · 23/10/2019 17:26

It doesn't matter how I feel, but if I were person A I would be massively unhappy. Whether or not I would stay in the relationship would depend on other factors - what the cheating was, and so on.

LucileDuplessis · 23/10/2019 17:27

'Boundaries can be fluid and flexible and change over time'. Does this mean that, going forwards, A and B agree that it's ok to lie and cheat? I assume not? So does it mean that it was ok to lie and cheat this one time? If so, why?

Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2019 17:29

I would feel that if person A truly believed boundaries like that were 'fluid' then they clearly need to reassess what the hell they are thinking.

Perhaps because person b is a manipulative fuckwit who has walked over them so much that they just accept his/her shit for a quiet life. Perhaps because they just have really poor self esteem and need to work on their codependency issues.

Either way, person A needs to put on their big person pants and stop letting (shitty) people redefine (destroy) their boundaries.

mindutopia · 23/10/2019 17:32

I wouldn’t be with someone who lies and cheats. I’ve been married to my dh a long time now. I don’t think we’ve ever had a discussion about our ‘boundaries’. He knows I wouldn’t accept lying or cheating. I don’t think it’s something that needs to be explicitly stated in a healthy relationship. Boundaries are things like expecting a text late at night to say the other person got home okay or leaving stuff a partner’s house so you have a change of clothes or a toothbrush. Lying and cheating is about being a douchebag, not boundaries.

Gemma1971 · 23/10/2019 17:33

The whole point of a boundary is that it is a tool for ensuring you are respected in a relationship and that if that boundary is crossed, there are consequences.

Someone crossed or pushed your boundary? It is there to PROTECT you, not for negotiation or to be a fluid or flexible changing concept or entity. When you start allowing someone to bust your boundaries, it usually means you end up hurt and taken advantage of somewhere down the line, especially when it comes to moral boundaries and those relating to mutually respective conduct.

A made it clear to B that cheating is unacceptable. B cheated. Boundary crossed. Consequence - something? Or nothing?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2019 17:36

Boundaries, fluidity, blah, blah, blah.

Bottom line is person A would be an idiot to continue this relationship.

purplepalace · 23/10/2019 17:37

Nobody should stay with a liar and cheat (especially considering it was stipulated beforehand that this was unacceptable in a relationship)

I'm assuming you're A, if so LTB no second chances.

Elodie2019 · 23/10/2019 17:38

Is person B a bit thick?
They said that cheating was something they didn't agree with.
A took them at their word.
Does B not realise that cheating is a choice not a mistake?

Elodie2019 · 23/10/2019 17:39

I'm hoping OP is A. B sounds like she/he hasn't a clue when it comes to relationships/trust .

peanutbutterbanana1 · 23/10/2019 17:41

If someone’s boundaries change and are flexible....then how is the other person supposed to know where they stand? So it was ok to agree in the beginning until an opportunity came along and their boundaries changed...you could never trust them for fear of more boundaries changing and they never thought to let you know

SevenStones · 23/10/2019 17:41

That they were sensible
That they were gullible and likely to be cheated on again and again.

Elodie2019 · 23/10/2019 17:42

what are people's thoughts on boundaries and how flexible/fluid they are?

When it comes to 'is this or is this not an open relationship' boundaries are not 'fluid' or 'flexible' at all. You agree on one way or the other and stick to it.
If you don't, you can f'k right off.

Original poster

AliciaWhiskers · 23/10/2019 17:54

If someone’s boundaries change and are flexible....then how is the other person supposed to know where they stand?

That's very true. I hadn't thought of that.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliciaWhiskers · 23/10/2019 17:56

@Pinkbonbon

I would feel that if person A truly believed boundaries like that were 'fluid' then they clearly need to reassess what the hell they are thinking.

Either way, person A needs to put on their big person pants and stop letting (shitty) people redefine (destroy) their boundaries.

Yep. All of that. Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliciaWhiskers · 23/10/2019 17:58

Yes, I am Person A. Person B is my now ex.

OP posts:

Elodie2019 · 23/10/2019 18:05

Thank God you're A OP.
If B is the one talking about fluidity, he's talking out of his backside.

HidingFromDD · 23/10/2019 18:05

Actually, I do think boundaries can change over time. My own thoughts on sexual monogamy have changed as I've got older. But, this is about the boundaries in place within a relationship. If person B wanted the boundaries changed they should have had that discussion first.

In the situation described, I don't think either are an easy choice. There will be other factors at play here as well. I do know people who have been through similar situations and choices. Of those, the ones who picked the first choice have generally had better outcomes, although I know of one couple who did stay together and have managed to rebuild trust, I know of 2 who tried it and then split up later (1 where he did just take it as a signal. To repeat)

Savingforarainyday · 23/10/2019 18:32

Ok
I've always believed that people evolve.... we're all just on a journey- no one is perfect, everyone fibs sometimes.
I've struggled with the idea of forgiveness. Ive wasted so much time, energy and precious self esteem on stupid men who lied, and I accepted it. They didn't change, they were never grateful. I deeply regret it, but appreciate it was a necessary process.

I still believe we all are just a work in progress, but... liars and cheaters are just liars and cheaters.
Glad you ditched him...

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 23/10/2019 18:35

The whole idea of a boundary is that you don't overstep it. You can't flex them to suit your own selfish needs. I'm glad you binned Person B if they thought it was acceptable to stomp over the boundary and then say they thought it was fluid.

crazyhead · 23/10/2019 18:39

It’s not about what’s objectively right, it’s about what you can live with and what you want and believe in. I think a choice like that shouldn‘t be subject to any kind of self censorship - ‚should‘ voices in your head. You know the details, you work out what you want on balance, even if these aren‘t the choices you wanted to have

Interestedwoman · 23/10/2019 18:42

I suppose people can change their mind, but it'd depend if you really still believe this

'cheating is not ok, and lying is not ok.' in your heart.

I suppose some people would give their ex another chance, but really, the ex has shown what they feel about cheating and lying, that they have less of a problem with it. There stands a high chance, then, that they'll do it again. Could you live with that risk/likelihood?

PrudenceTremaine · 23/10/2019 18:59

But boundaries aren't fluid and changeable. They're unmovable things that you need to be in place in a relationship and being faithful is a boundary to most people.

If you allow it to be breached, it's no longer a boundary and person B will know that. They'll no longer respect either that boundary or probably any others. They'll probably lose respect for person A as well.

I'm glad you binned person B. you did the right thing imo. My experience (and I've taken option 2 previously) is that if you allow person B to disrespect your boundaries, or you don't have any boundaries, person B will continue to treat you badly. And you'll also feel pretty shit about yourself. It is horrible to end a relationship but at the end of the day you've acted with self-worth and self respect. And you've been true to yourself.

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