Struggling with boundaries - opinions welcome/needed!

[AliciaWhiskers]

Ok, here's the scenario.

Person A is in a relationship with person B. Person A really clearly states at the start of the relationship that cheating is not ok, and lying is not ok. Person B acknowledges that, agrees, and says the same applies for them.

Fast forward a little while. Person B cheats on Person A, and lies about it. Person A finds out the truth.

How do we feel about Person A if:

1. They end the relationship, given that they had stated their boundaries that cheating and lying were not ok, and Person B broke those boundaries

or

1. They don't end the relationship, because they recognise that Person B is only human, made a mistake, and boundaries can be fluid and flexible and can change over time.

I'll make my position clearer later. I'm just struggling with this at the moment and could do with some help figuring it out.

boundaries can be fluid and flexible and can change over time This sounds exactly the kind of thing someone who was trying to chip away at your boundaries would say!
As @PrudenceTremaine said, boundaries aren’t up for renegotiation, they are an explicit statement of your values and what’s important to you. A person that respected your boundaries would accept them unquestioningly and wouldn’t be looking for wiggle room within them.
Even if they were “flexible” (which obviously I believe is rubbish!) Unless both parties have explicitly renegotiated the terms of the boundary it’s just breaking boundaries by another, far more sneaky name.

my experience of people (both myself in a previous relationship and other people I've seen) is that it's a massive mistake to let anyone breach your boundaries. They will continue to breach boundaries, to push you further and further - to test you. (give them an inch etc etc).
They lose respect for you and you lose respect for yourself.

I've worked hard and know what my boundaries are. They reflect what is important to me - kindness, honesty, faithfullness, etc As a result I'm treated much better and I feel I have more self respect. I'm really valuing myself. It feels good.

I've worked hard and know what my boundaries are. They reflect what is important to me - kindness, honesty, faithfullness, etc As a result I'm treated much better and I feel I have more self respect. I'm really valuing myself. It feels good.

I've never had boundaries in any previous relationship. Probably why I stayed for so long with an emotionally abusive ex. Anyway...so at the start of this one I actually made a list of what was ok, and what wasn't ok, and I discussed them with now ex partner. He did the same.

Unfortunately, he knew that cheating and lying were on my list of things that aren't ok, and he did them anyway. So although I can forgive him for doing it, I can't continue the relationship, because it's the exact behaviour that I said wasn't ok. It feels like people in my life are suggesting I forgive him and we try again. But firstly, why should I try again if he has lied and cheated- surely I deserve to be treated better than that? And secondly, if I did try again, how would that make me look (to him, I'm not worried about anyone else)? Like someone who will take him back, regardless of where my boundaries are. And then there is no reason for him not to do it again. And yes to whoever said he would lose respect for me. I think I would lose respect for myself if I went back. No disrespect to others who do try again. But I set boundaries for a reason. And he's gone over them. So for me, it's black and white. We're done.

well done OP. It's hard, but it's worth it for the self respect. It's a cliche but loving and respecting yourself is the most important thing. I hated myself when I did allow my ex to trample all over my boundaries. And he only pushed them further and further. I must have had so little self worth to let him treat me like that.

But you live and learn and I'm in a much better relationship now.

FWIW I would rather be person A than person B.
It may not feel like that now but every day from now you will grow stronger knowing you have treated yourself how you deserve to be treated.

Bravo you, op!

With you all the way 👍

PS sorry he was such a shit

To me it would sound like B agreed with A simply to get sex/a house/a quiet life and had no real intention of sticking to the boundaries.

'Less of a rule, more a sort of guldeline'.

A hard boudary is a hard boundary and you can't negotiate after the fact.

The problem is that he is promising the world now. Going to counselling to work out why he cheated (it was a one off), and why he lied. Saying that he will work on himself and change and etc etc. I'm glad he is going to counselling - for his benefit, not mine - but I agree with A hard boudary is a hard boundary and you can't negotiate after the fact

Yes, I'm sure he is promising the world... just like he promised to respect your boundaries... It's easy to promise absolutely anything if, in the back of your mind, you think promises are negotiable after the fact. His past actions tell you all you need to know about his character, not his promises for the future. Well done OP, I know it's not easy, you're doing so incredibly well.

Trying to remind myself that he outright lied to me, on 3 occasions. I just need to ignore the promises he is making and move on.

Cheating is cheating.

Lying is lying.

So glad you dumped him. What twat.

Saying that he will work on himself and change and etc etc

Ah... he's found his copy of The Script.

Do not fall for this bollocks. It'll just be more of the same.

What, so that's part of the script?

Even if he is, actually, going to counselling? Or just a blind promise to change?

Just a blind promise I'm afraid.

He's making the noises he thinks you want to hear.

You were straight from the get-go that cheating was a dealbreaker for you - and he still did it.

You deserve much better.

Gah, I need to stop getting sucked in.

I have been really good at asking/telling him to back off and leave me alone. The moment he creeps back in with something (asking me to forward some post onto him), then he is back trying to get under my skin again with all his promises of change...

No good has ever come of listening to someone try to convince me to change my mind about something.

How's it going Alicia?