6 weeks in, am I being needy?

[Love2019]

Hi guys,

I wanted a bit of impartial advice. I had a very upsetting end of a relationship around 5 months ago, my ex partner (fiance at the time) left me without a word, leaving me by letter. Throughout the relationship I suffered with terrible anxiety as he was extremely inconsistent and lied to me about money a lot.

I started dating again around two months ago and met a guy online and we have some mutual friends. He lives around 40mins drive away. He often works closer to where I live. He is a very good looking guy and people comment about this a lot. People that see us together tell me that we are very well matched but I have low self esteem at times but I can accept that we are well matched.

Our first date was great, (6 weeks ago) we got along well and there was lots of chemistry and he even asked for a kiss. We kissed a lot and people commented on the fact that we were a great match for each other. The date started at 7pm and then we were there till the bar closed at 12pm. We weren't even drinking. He asked when he could see me again and we saw each other two days later and spent the entire day together.

Since then, things have progressed and we have seen each other around ten times in 6 weeks. He has stayed over at my house and I have cooked him dinner. Last week I saw him three times in 8 days. We have been intimate and there is lots of chemistry. He is very affectionate towards me, at home and in public. He refuses most of the time to allow me to pay for dinner or drinks when we go out. He told me that he 'loves' having sex with me. I can feel a serious amount of chemistry between us and when we are together I feel like he is into me.

Since the night I met him, he has text me every morning to say good morning and every evening to say goodnight. We usually text back and forth a bit during the day when we take breaks at work. He always asks how I am and takes an interest.

He has not cancelled any dates, always turned up when expected and has even come to see me when he was feeling extremely hungover, driving 40 minutes here and then back again.

He went on a boys weekend away recently and kept in contact the whole time, sending me photos and videos of them all out.

He has a very active social life, lives with two of his friends (I own my own house). He is good with money and told me that he was waiting to by a house with someone (a woman) and settle down. I asked if he is looking for a relationship and he told me that he is and that he wants to settle but that he wants to take things slowly. He is younger than me, I am 34 and he is 31.

His previous relationship ended around four months ago. They were together around 12 months. They didn't live together but she met his friends and family and it appeared that he cared for her a great deal. He explained that she was very insecure and did not like it when he was independent as he knows that he is laid back when it comes to relationships. He explained that girls have commented on this previously but that he is happy in his life and wants someone to add to this rather than be his whole world. I do get that.

Problem is, he is a bit laid back and this coupled with my emotional trauma earlier this year, I am struggling with my anxieties around does he like me? Where is this going? I'm currently seeing him around once per week. Its generally us both suggesting to meet up. Sometimes he can be a bit last minute and I'll spend all week worrying that he doesn't want to see me and then Thursday he will ask if I want to do something on Sunday. He always agrees if I suggest something and turns up. He is coming to see me Friday which he rearranged as he cannot do the original date we suggested.

When he does stay over, he generally stays in the morning to have breakfast and chat some and then says he has to go. I always feel disappointed when he leaves.

I just want to see him more. I am totally falling for him. Some of my friends think my expectations this early on are too high. Is this the case? Its been 6 weeks, he hasn't said I am his girlfriend and I am scared to have the exclusive chat in case I make him think I am insecure. We speak most evenings via text and sometimes we talk on the phone. If I call him, he generally answers and if not he will call me back almost straight away. He has also taken the initiative to call me a few times too. He always tells me what he is doing in the evenings and he is in bed by 10 as he gets up at 5am to travel to work. I don't think he is dating anyone else but I couldn't be sure. Surely guys don't have the time, finances, or the effort or even the interest to be seeing multiple women?

He seems keen on me and when I ask him things he answers openly. He is a 'laddy' lad. He likes a night out with his friends and has a lot of friends.

Am I reading too much into all of this? Is it that he does like me but that he is laid back and wants to take things slowly? I cannot work out if it is my anxieties that are making me feel like this or a feeling.

Thanks for listening, any advice on what to do, how to react would be fab.

I am totally aware that you may say I am being too needy. That's okay too, I just need to hear this from people that are impartial.

Many thanks,

x

It seems like he likes you and it's all going well
Try to stop overthinking it and relax

Calm down. You are going to stifle him. You’ve known him little more than a month, you’re still at the stage of getting to know each other, seeing each other once or twice a week is how it should be.

Everything sounds very mutual: you’re both arranging dates, instigating communication equally, he’s actively rearranging when he needs to postpone. Waiting until Wednesday or Thursday to arrange something for the weekend is hardly “last minute”. This is the fun, nice part. What’s the hurry?

Everything sounds great I think you should relax.

Maybe suggest when he is working closer to you he could stay over if you want to see him more but really once a week at 6 weeks is pretty standard I'd say.

Just breathe and... relax.

6 weeks is such a short amount of time. I know that when you feel like you're in the 'love bubble' you want to make sure that each person feels the same way, but you're still only scratching the surface on getting to know each other.

I think it's great that you're both independent and have your own social lives - sounds healthy! It's people that jump straight into spending every spare minute together after a few weeks that I worry about.

So yes, I think you're being a bit needy this early on. Just relax and see where it goes; if you try and push it, you'll push him away. Especially if his last relationship ended because his ex was 'insecure'. Hope it all goes well.

Are you socialising with friends when you're not seeing him? Or is this new relationship filling a void? If so, that's not healthy.

6 weeks in, am I being needy? - YES
And it will put him off so stop it.
It's been 6 weeks.
Chill out!
You haven't had the exclusive chat and he is taking things slowly.
You are both very recently out of other relationships.
Take your time.

Op I don't think you're being needy. You like him and want to see him more. Maybe suggest you'd like to see him more. Are you a planner? I like to know when and where we are going in advance. Is that how you are?

Yeah I like to know what is happening but think that stems from anxiety and the need to control. That's why I am reluctant as I don't want him to think I am crazy. I currently behave completely reasonably but sound off to friends who are all telling me I need to relax.

It's so hard to relax when you really like someone. I totally get what your feeling. Occupy yourself and keep busy. Sounds like he likes you too. Hope it works out

So you had a very bad breakup and then met this guy within a few months? Sounds a bit quick to me. Also, maybe you’re being needy, or maybe there’s something about the dynamic between you two that causes this, that can be difficult to pin down. Leaving things till last minute wouldn’t impress me and would give me the impression that he will do something together so long as he hasn’t got anything better on. Would not like that, he sees you as a ‘safe bet’.

OP try not to worry.
Men are generally simple folk (In a very positive way) and he will not be overthinking this in the same way you are. You already know the answers - all positive, no real red flags. Just relax and enjoy.
Actions speak louder than words. So he could have "lovebombed you" early doors, but that actually isnt a sign of a healthy, well considered, relationship.

This pace is perfect. Its great you feel sad when he goes - you still like having him around!

If he starts acting flaky, you sound smart enough to know the answers. But he isnt right now, so go with the flow and as he is being "good" dont jump to the worst conclusions if he cancels, like he has, he is probably being honest.
Men show themselves with their actions.

Relax and enjoy the honeymoon period OP...

You are overthinking it. I do think it is odd though that he went away for a weekend with his friends and he felt the need to send you messages (including videos?) throughout. It suggests he might be picking up already that you are insecure.

You need to occupy yourself with other things.. Sounds like a good start but it's really early so rather than get all intense and push him away give yourself a distraction. I know that's easier to say then do but the relationship needs to grow and mature slower than you seem to want it too

I think that you might want to seek counselling for the anxiety as that is at the root of this. Whether it’s this man or someone else you are carrying it around with you and it’s overshadowing everything.

It all sounds great!
Just dial back on the intensity/insecurities by deciding not to be that person. Don’t be ruled by your past relationships(s). Fuck your ex. Don’t let some irrelevant ex decide who you are in a relationship now.
What are your own individual interests? Focus on developing new ones/honing the ones in place. Enjoy what sounds like a blossoming relationship.

You have anxious attachment. Read up on adult attachment.

You will drive this guy and many more after him away if you dont take control of your anxiety and channel your feelings into other things.

These starts to new relationships are always a bit of an emotional minefield. There's the getting to know each other, arranging time see each other etc. I think when you come out of a bad relationship that has left you a bit battered and bruised emotionally you want the next to be different, so go into the next one on high alert.
That all sounds great in theory but it never works practically as you're dealing with a totally different person. Your relationship is very new and he's told you he wants to take things slowly, whether you are aware of it or not you will be giving off certain 'tells' of insecurity. It sounds like it's all going great, so I would in your place just enjoy the time you see each other, and just chill. There's no need to sprint, just enjoy the amble. If it's meant to be it will progress just fine. If you give off vibes that you're anxious or needy they'll show no matter how 'cool' you behave. That's when mixed signals start to surface. I really hope things progress well for you both, just take things slowly. Good luck xx

I am not really sure what you are worrying about?
He doesn’t seem like he has given you anything to worry about at all, except you want to see more of him? You’ve only known him 6 weeks...

Yes you are being needy.
Nobody can guarantee a r'ship is going to work out. That's the chance you take I'm afraid. Do you think you are ready for something like this given your massive insecurities after your last r'ship ended badly?

Understand how you feel, but it sounds like maybe you're waiting around for him a bit? Sorry if that's not correct. Are you making plans for the weekend and then fitting him in, or waiting for him first? Do you have an interest that consumes you and keeps you excited and occupied independent of relationship status? Try to sit back a little and use early dating to assess how you fit as a couple and whether he's right for you, whilst enjoying things one day at a time

Sounds like you're fitting your life round him.
And he's fitting you around his life.

You need your own plans ( made up if necessary)

If he changes a date and your busy then you say so.

You must give him chance ti miss him.

Men fall in love with their dp.
Woman are the opposite.

Otherwise if he's got you on a string - he will get Bored .

**miss you !!!

Sorry posted too soon

Men fall in love when they away from the dp.

I think he definitely likes you but its too soon at 6 weeks to be thinking where is it going. You need to carry on with life making plans and fit him into them. Men usually like independent women so you dont want to seem needy that will drive him away. Try and relax (though hard when you really like him). Enjoy it

Yes, you’re being needy and anxious. He seems like a nice person and has been reliable. You really need to try to direct some of your thoughts into other things, people, or hobbies as it feels like you’re obsessing.