Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to talk about sex issue

45 replies

Suitsetaja · 23/10/2019 09:51

I'd like to improve our sex life, I have understood the issue, but I do not know how to talk to him about it.

We have had ups and downs in our relationship, though we have not been together too long, a couple of years. The troubles are related to us being rather different. I'm more like a doer, go-getter, an active introvert - meaning that I value my peace and quiet but I also value getting things done, working on projects, doing some socialising and trying not to procrastinate. He is more a passive kind of person, procrastinates much and has some low self-esteem and some anxiety issues, has trouble taking responsibility in life, making up his mind. However, we are capable of meeting in the middle, it has improved during the time and he has made some tiny progression. His passiveness has been difficult to deal with for me, but I'm really trying to be more understanding, "you can't change others" and so on. As he has so many good qualities as well, I would like to keep on trying.

Now, due to those issues I have kind of lost some attraction towards him. Our sex life is reduced to once per week or even less. A couple of months ago he asked about it and said he is not happy with this. We made some agreements to satisfy our opposing needs in general hoping it will help but the actual outcome of these agreements i rather small and it does not change the fact that he is still really passive and anxious person and I still do not feel the same level of attraction.

It seems now that he waits for me to "get better" and the ball is in my court for our sex life to improve again. It feels he is still not happy (though does not show it exactly).

I have realised now that what I need is more strong, tough, "manly" behaviour from him. He's approach to sex is soft, he just very subtly caresses and fondles, but he does it all anyway, so I have a hard time knowing when he wants sex and when he just wants to cuddle. He also starts making comments like "what a great view" looking at my boos or like we discuss dinner and I say "I'd like some dessert after dinner", he is like "I could be you dessert" and then just passively waits. I am also very ticklish and when he touches or kisses me very softly, it is like a hell for me 90% of the time. He is well aware of it, I have told him to touch me more strongly and showed him how. But he still starts with these soft ticklish moves and I start to twist and turn etc and he is then filled with anxiety (I think) and stops. Then I have to take it over, but I hate being the "active" one again, like in most aspects of our life. When I'm in the mood I approach more strongly - kiss stronger or sit on his lap or straight out tell him or so or try a bit roleplay ("Oh, my strong hero, save me"). I would just like him to be more strong, straightforward you know..

I am ready to accept he is passive in other areas, but would really like to see more direct approach from him regarding sex. And I thought I would give it a try to talk to him about it. But I do not know how? I do not want to make him feel bad, to sound like I'm accuse him. I'd like to understand how to understand he wants sex and maybe he could try to be more strong in his approach. I'm rather certain also that he is also afraid that when he approaches I might not be in the mood and as he is so afraid of people telling him "no", he would rather just let it be and wait for me to give him clear sign that I want to have sex.

I'm guilty of pointing it out so many times to him that he should be more proactive in life etc, but mostly in response to him being sad or angry that "everyone is doing him wrong" or "he is bored at home" or "his job sucks" or "he sucks at life, everyone else is in much better position". I feel bad pointing it out again...

I'd like some ideas on which words to use or how to explain it to him? How to improve the situation?

OP posts:
category12 · 23/10/2019 09:54

How about you stop 🛑 and really face up to the fact that you're not a good match, and you're going to end up making each other miserable.

GaaaaarlicBread · 23/10/2019 09:55

Sounds really difficult . Have you been to a relationship counsellor ? The fact you’ve lost some attraction towards him is a bit difficult to overcome from just advise on here. Do you go out on dates much ? Lunch dates , days out etc ? Try to bond again ? X

Hullygully · 23/10/2019 09:56

Just get rid. It will suck the life from you.

category12 · 23/10/2019 09:57

They've only been together a short time, they shouldn't need counselling. Confused

This is supposed to be the honeymoon period, the getting to know each other period, the finding out if you're compatible stage. You're not.

SouthernComforts · 23/10/2019 10:00

Exactly category12.

You are trying to overlook massive personality clashes here, as well as being sexually incompatible.

So you have big issues inside and outside the bedroom only 2 years in. I wouldn't keep trying to force this one.

allthesharks · 23/10/2019 10:00

It sounds as though you want him to take control a bit more. In life and with sex. If you feel like he's too anxious to initiate sex in case you refuse, could you try making it plainly obvious that you're in the mood giving him the green light to move things on?

sheshootssheimplores · 23/10/2019 10:01

Neither of you are wrong but you don’t sound massively compatible. My ex was a very introverted quiet man who was very dominant and adventurous in bed. It was a mad turn on I have to admit, but our relationship just didn’t work outside the bedroom.

It’s honestly bloody difficult to find someone who is compatible in all areas. There’s a compromise to be had I think. You’ve got to decide what’s more important. Do you and your OH work well in other aspects? To me it reads like you don’t really.

Deadringer · 23/10/2019 10:10

You might be incompatible, but if you really love each other you have to give it a final shot before you call it a day. It's up to him though really, he wants a good sex life with you, he wants you to find him attractive, you have told him what you need so he either needs to change his approach and improve things or keep going with his softly softly approach and accept that you don't like it, in which case you are doomed, sorry.

michaelbaubles · 23/10/2019 10:19

He's what Marian Keyes calls a "feathery stroker" - some people would like this very much. You're not compatible and it shouldn't be this much work after a couple of years.

Also, it sounds like you fundamentally look down on him - the language you use to describe him is very negative. There's nothing actually wrong with being quiet, taking time to make decisions, procrastinating. You're absolutely entitled to find it irritating and not want to live like that but again, someone else might find this perfectly OK in a partner.

SprinkleDash · 23/10/2019 10:21

I have realised now that what I need is more strong, tough, "manly" behaviour from him

There is no bigger turn off than a sexually passive/submissive man! It may be that you’re just not sexually compatible OP.

Guiltypleasures001 · 23/10/2019 10:33

He's a wet rag to you're bull op
He's not going to ravished you he's a bit of a sop

Go find the tattooed biker type you need Grin

snowbear66 · 23/10/2019 10:43

Be careful you don’t end up in the mother role with one of these.

RLEOM · 23/10/2019 10:58

You don't sound compatible.

Original poster
Suitsetaja · 23/10/2019 11:46

Thanks for the replies. We have talked about not being compatible, but then decided that we should work on these things. I know I might sound negative about him, but I tried to point out straight facts. The truth is that yes, I'm annoyed about the negative things I brought out, but I try to work on it. Likewise, he is annoyed about my go-getter, let's-do-it-know type of mindset and has put a lot of pressure on me spending every waking moment together. So we both have things the other is very annoyed about. But we have talked these through and try to find compromises. There are also areas where we work together well and we get on well generally. So I would like to give it one more shot indeed. But yes, I'm afraid about bringing it up. Like how to choose my words so he doesn't feel attacked or accused? I truly understand that he is not in wrong approaching sex as he does, it just not what I would like. and I would like to tell him what I would like. And it would be up to him to tell me whether he can give me this or not. If yes, then perhaps it solves the issue. If no, then I can make up my mind whether I can deal with it or I have to move on. But I am rather certain that he would take it as personal criticism and that he is all wrong and bad person and be hurt.

Okay, thank you. I guess it just solved in my head. I must talk to him anyway, and tell him everything I just wrote here in my reply. I can't keep it from him and pretend - it would be wrong. And I feel I can't just say it's over without giving him a chance. And I have to stop thinking that "maybe he feels bad, so I better not touch the subject". He feels bad anyway, whether we keep on going without much sex or if I just break-up, so either way it's going to be difficult for him. So it is perhaps "less bad" to just bring it up. And take it from there.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 23/10/2019 12:09

That looks like you are expecting a massive change in him OP. Not sure that is realistic.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2019 12:16

You want him to be a different person and that's just not going to happen. Your incompatibility goes way beyond sex. You've wasted enough time on this relationship, don't you see that?

NameChangeNugget · 23/10/2019 12:27

Get exactly where you’re coming from. Couldn’t be with a man like that myself

username1724 · 23/10/2019 12:33

Do you think hes lacking confidence? Sounds like it, if I were you I'd really go for positive encouragement. Try building him up, tell him again how you like it, then really go in hard on the positivity. Sounds like he needs some reassurance rather than negativity. That's if you want this to work, but telling him what hes doing wrong is not always productive.

Original poster
Suitsetaja · 23/10/2019 13:07

@username1724 YES!! You nailed it!! That is exactly what I think is the issue and I would really like to boost his confidence. But I struggle to find words or ways how to do it! I have always tried to encourage him and boost him, but it seems I might sound negative and criticizing to him? I do not know how to encourage him without telling what I find lacking, if that makes sense.I would really like to learn though, cause it could make a massive difference in our communication I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Suitsetaja · 23/10/2019 14:13

For example, with the ticklish issue, I have avoided telling not to do it, instead I have told him "Hey, why don't you try to touch me stronger" or "I'm ticklish here, please touch me here instead" and when he does it, I have told him that it feels so good, I really enjoy this sort of touching. I have done it several times. But he still at first sticks to his soft touches.

I'm starting to agree that it is never gonna work out :( I hate bringing him down like this. But he won't accept break-up, he has told me that, says that it is possible to work through things and not to give up and then cuddles me so sweet :) So I feel like I'm letting him and myself and our relationship down if I stop trying.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2019 15:24

He won't accept a break up? Uh...excuse me? Staying with him is not a contractual obligation, ffs. What a creepy attitude to have. Run for your life.

category12 · 23/10/2019 15:33

You can't "work through" basic personality mismatch and ground-level incompatibility.

You also can't give another person confidence.

And the saying he won't let you break-up, and that you have to work at things, are red flags. That's not cute or loving, OP - that's emotional blackmail. Passive, quiet people can be controlling - they reduce your world to fit theirs.

YorkshireMummyof1 · 23/10/2019 16:06

You can't work on compatibility, you either are or you aren't.

I wasn't compatible with my ex-husband, it took me 8 years to bloody accept it but now I am with someone who I am very very compatible with both physically and emotionally and its amazing the difference.

lborgia · 23/10/2019 16:30

Once a feathery stroker, always a feathery stroker. Have a think about how you would be handling this if he hadn’t changed in 15 years... yep. It’s really that fun.

rvby · 23/10/2019 17:25

But he won't accept break-up, he has told me that, says that it is possible to work through things OK, you need to find those balls you talk about having. He isn't in charge of when the relationship ends. You can end this relationship.

You two are fundamentally incompatible and are literally annoyed about each other's basic personality traits. Please walk away before you destroy each other.