I'd like to improve our sex life, I have understood the issue, but I do not know how to talk to him about it.
We have had ups and downs in our relationship, though we have not been together too long, a couple of years. The troubles are related to us being rather different. I'm more like a doer, go-getter, an active introvert - meaning that I value my peace and quiet but I also value getting things done, working on projects, doing some socialising and trying not to procrastinate. He is more a passive kind of person, procrastinates much and has some low self-esteem and some anxiety issues, has trouble taking responsibility in life, making up his mind. However, we are capable of meeting in the middle, it has improved during the time and he has made some tiny progression. His passiveness has been difficult to deal with for me, but I'm really trying to be more understanding, "you can't change others" and so on. As he has so many good qualities as well, I would like to keep on trying.
Now, due to those issues I have kind of lost some attraction towards him. Our sex life is reduced to once per week or even less. A couple of months ago he asked about it and said he is not happy with this. We made some agreements to satisfy our opposing needs in general hoping it will help but the actual outcome of these agreements i rather small and it does not change the fact that he is still really passive and anxious person and I still do not feel the same level of attraction.
It seems now that he waits for me to "get better" and the ball is in my court for our sex life to improve again. It feels he is still not happy (though does not show it exactly).
I have realised now that what I need is more strong, tough, "manly" behaviour from him. He's approach to sex is soft, he just very subtly caresses and fondles, but he does it all anyway, so I have a hard time knowing when he wants sex and when he just wants to cuddle. He also starts making comments like "what a great view" looking at my boos or like we discuss dinner and I say "I'd like some dessert after dinner", he is like "I could be you dessert" and then just passively waits. I am also very ticklish and when he touches or kisses me very softly, it is like a hell for me 90% of the time. He is well aware of it, I have told him to touch me more strongly and showed him how. But he still starts with these soft ticklish moves and I start to twist and turn etc and he is then filled with anxiety (I think) and stops. Then I have to take it over, but I hate being the "active" one again, like in most aspects of our life. When I'm in the mood I approach more strongly - kiss stronger or sit on his lap or straight out tell him or so or try a bit roleplay ("Oh, my strong hero, save me"). I would just like him to be more strong, straightforward you know..
I am ready to accept he is passive in other areas, but would really like to see more direct approach from him regarding sex. And I thought I would give it a try to talk to him about it. But I do not know how? I do not want to make him feel bad, to sound like I'm accuse him. I'd like to understand how to understand he wants sex and maybe he could try to be more strong in his approach. I'm rather certain also that he is also afraid that when he approaches I might not be in the mood and as he is so afraid of people telling him "no", he would rather just let it be and wait for me to give him clear sign that I want to have sex.
I'm guilty of pointing it out so many times to him that he should be more proactive in life etc, but mostly in response to him being sad or angry that "everyone is doing him wrong" or "he is bored at home" or "his job sucks" or "he sucks at life, everyone else is in much better position". I feel bad pointing it out again...
I'd like some ideas on which words to use or how to explain it to him? How to improve the situation?