Cheating early on....Can we move past it?

[unsureinsecure]

I'll try to keep this short but don't want to drip feed so bear with me! Bit of a back story: been with my OH for 2 years now. Started slowly just dating once or twice a week. Agreed to be exclusive around the 8 week mark. Ignored a few little signs in the first few months that I brushed off as my own paranoia (stupid I know!)
Everything was lovely. He seemed so genuine, caring, funny and we just got on great.
Said the L word after about 6 months and after about 8 months I began slowly introducing him to my kids. He's been amazing with them, they adore him and obviously now we're nearing the 2 year mark he's become a consistent part of their lives.
In around May this year I had some little niggles that I couldn't shake off going back to the first few months. I'm not even ashamed to say it, I checked his phone.
From messages on their it became clear that during the first few months (after we became 'exclusive' but before we got serious and said we loved each other) he was seeing another girl and messaging others. The times and dates he told me he'd 'left his phone at work' or his phone was 'playing up and not getting messages' all matched to the dates he was with her.
I had it out with him at he confessed (although it was like pulling teeth) that he'd met up with this girl a handful of times and they'd 'just' kissed and felt each other up in a service station car park 🤢
When I found out I felt so sick. I felt so hurt that I'd meant so little to him at that time that it was worth the risk. I felt like the man I had since fallen in love with was a complete lie as the man he presented himself to be could have never done that. At that point he begged, cried, pleaded for me to judge him on who he is now and the man he's been since we got serious and not the pathetic little boy he was back then. He offered me all his passwords to everything, open access to his phone/ emails etc. There has been absolutely nothing since that time to suggest he's done anything else but obviously I'll never truly know.
His reasoning is that at the time he was being a stupid little boy who was enjoying the attention, he didn't really think we'd get serious (down to me having kids and him not)
We had some time apart and I agreed to try again. I want to, I really do. Sometimes it's great but other times I really struggle.
So I'm asking:

• is it possible?
• HOW do you leave the past in the past?
• is this a sign that he is just a turd with no moral compass and he'll do it again or is it possible that he genuinely regrets what he did and changed when we got more serious?

He says he hates himself for what he did.

Obviously if I'd found out at the time, or followed up on the niggles at the time, I'd have finished it there and then but we've come so far since then I'd like to try and move forward, I just don't know if or how I can.

*there not their sorry!

Hi hun,

So honestly I think if your happy with how he's been since and he hasn't cheated since you've been serious.. I would give him another chance. But I would be cautious... the fact that he's offered you all the password is a good sign I'd say take them and hide them in your notes in your phone but tell him you trust him and your not going to look and you actually don't know what you've done with the details because I'm sorry you need to see what he's up to when he thinks your not looking! Leave it a few weeks months and keep and eye on him. I know people say you shouldn't check your partner phone but if it leads you to the truth or give you some security then what's the problem.

Honestly mistakes are made and we are only human. Just don't let your guard down.

Cheating early on....Can we move past it?
In answer to this - WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO???

with no moral compass and he'll do it again - Yes, very probably.
Just kissed my arse!!!
He really does think you will swallow his lies.
I'm sure he thinks all women are thick as pig shit!

But... this is your decision.
Do you believe in your heart, that you could ever trust him fully again?
No trust = No relationship
He has proved he is untrustworthy.
Don't forget, it wasn't just this one girl.
He was messaging others as well.
The one he shagged in his car is just the one who bit.

@hellsbellsmelons believe me, if I'd read this post on here from someone else a few months ago my response to it would have been the same as yours. But when you're the one in it, it's so fucking hard to know what to do. Why? Because we've started building a life together now. My kids adore him. We've made plans for the future. Our relationship has moved so far forward but it's all based on a lie.
When I look back at that time, I was cagey with my feelings. I probably did give the impression we weren't going to be long term. This isn't an excuse for him lying and cheating I know, but gut feeling is he's been genuine since we really got serious.
Messages to one of his friends at the time who was aware of what he was up to suggest they didn't sleep together but to be honest whether he did or didn't isn't really relevant, either way he cheated and that's what I want to know if I can get through.

@cleopatra93 thank you. I do keep an eye on things as much as I hate doing it. There's nothing to suggest anything bad since that time.

Some days I want to end it, some days I want to try. I guess I just want to know if anyone's managed to do it successfully?

Yes I have ! My partner for now 6 years and 2 kids and my absolute rock I found texting his ex and other women early on it was only that. When I found out I went absolutely mad and we broke up for a month. He felt awful and he's been my rock since and he has no password on his phone and is very confident to leave his phone with me when he goes in the shower or to the shops. I didn't even look through his phone anymore because he clearly has nothing to hide x

I could probably move on from what he did in itself but I think it would plant seeds of doubt that would eat away at me so from that perspective I’d call it day.

I guess I just want to know if anyone's managed to do it successfully?
Of course - hundreds and hundreds of couples have managed to get through it.
Some more successfully than others.
Some come out stronger.
Some struggle for years and still end up separating.
As I always say, it's the longer harder road to go down.
It will take time. This for him, was a while ago. For you, it's brand new and something you need to fully process before you can make a final decision.

Thank you. I guess only time will tell.
I'm prepared to give it a shot. I'm under no illusions that it will be easy but I think what we have now is worth trying for.
@hellsbellsmelons you're right yes. He hates going over it all but for me it's new and I've still got so many questions I need answering.
I've also lost a lot of respect for him which is hard to accept.

If he's prepared to work on this then get the Shirely Glass book - Not Just Friends and read it together!

they adore him

No they don't, that's you projecting your feelings onto them. He's just mums boyfriend, nothing more - don't make your desire to stay with this greebly man about the children. If anything, this is an unstable relationship that you should leave for their sake.

Look, he wasn't even keen and respectful enough to keep it in his pants and keep his hands out of other pants grim at the very beginning and when you were exclusive. What's even the point here? For God's sake don't get pregnant, he'll be quick smart back to rummaging in others' pants. grim grim grim

@PicsInRed but .... they do. I don't see how you can know their relationship from a post on the internet?
Either way I respect your opinion and agree that the way he acted was indeed grim on all levels

Messages to one of his friends at the time who was aware of what he was up to suggest they didn't sleep together but to be honest whether he did or didn't isn't really relevant

It is, because if he slept with her (but claims they only kissed, etc.) he's still lying to you.

@UnaCorda I see your point. But I honestly don't think he did.
@hellsbellsmelons thanks for the suggestion, I've just ordered a copy

@unsureinsecure everyone's story is different but I do have a bit of experience in this situation. My now ex were together for 15 years. He was great, lovely to be around and made me feel really happy. A few months in i had niggles and checked his phone and he had been on Facebook searching for girls who happened to be his exes. We had it out and smoothed things over. I quickly forgot about it and then the niggles came back. I was sick one day and he said he was going to go out and that was fine by me but he never came home. Over the coming weeks he was going out quite a bit but always came home. It didn't feel right to me so I checked his facebook profile and this girl was commenting on his posts and what she was saying made my alarm bells go off. I confronted him and he said he had met up with her and kissed her. I was upset but he was sorry and eventually moved passed it. We were happy and years later had a baby. Everything was great and I always felt so blessed to have a family like i had. Not long ago he didn't come home. He said he was having mental health issues and needed time to think so he was staying on a friend's sofa. He continued to two and fro and told me he was seeing a Councillor and trying to make things right. Again niggles so i checked his phone bill and there were calls and messages to one number i didnt recognise. I confronted him and he admitted he was having an affair with someone from work. He also admitted that the kiss he had with the woman years ago was also a full affair. I was left heartbroken and now he says he is in love with his new woman and has left. Like I said everyone is different but if I had gone with my gut im the beginning i wouldn't have wasted all those years on someone that was capable of this kind of hurt. You have to think so long and hard because mainly if someone does it once they are likely todo it again. I never thought this lind hearted man would do such a thing but he did.

@MedusaMomma thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you went through that. It's so hard when you're in the middle of it to think logically. I know my advice to myself would be to LTB if I was on the outside but there's also a massive part of me that wants to try.
I'm really conflicted between 2 trains of thought: 1. he's shown me the kind of man he is and I should listen to that and walk away or 2. he massively regrets his actions and is truly sorry and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.
I keep going between them both. When I get 1 in my head I want to leave him but then 2 comes along and I want to try!

Aaaggh why do some men have to be such weak spineless bastards? 😫

I don't think you'll ever fully trust him again and if I was in your position I would leave. I was with someone for six years, who, in the first year was speaking to around six different women behind my back. I had doubts in my mind but every time I would mention it he would call me a 'psycho'. Two weeks after we moved in together I found all the messages on his emails. I forgave him because we had just moved in together but after that my trust was ruined and it took ages to get back, and it had completely changed our relationship. Five years later, he left me for another woman who he worked with. It wasn't worth the hurt.

@unsureinsecure i can totally understand what you are feeling. Im my case I really wish I had left because I ended up wasting years of my life on a man who ended up cheating. It does make you question yourself and makes you feel vulnerable. Maybe if you both distanced yourselves from each other so you can think clearly. It is very hard when the person in question seems like a great guy who just had a wobble. It is possible he is sorry but with me its just made me feel like he didn't even respect me as a person to even do that. We don't have to put up with it and it is not ok. My mom used to cheat on my dad and he stuck around for the kids and it wasn't a happy marriage. I think that when trust is broken its very hard to get back. You could look into some kind of counselling but I don't know if it changes anything. When someone cheats on any level its very painful because of the lies and deceit. I am now left with a 4yr old and he has a new happy life. I wish I had gone in the beginning I really do. Think hard. Give yourself space and only listen to your heart x

You want reassurance from strangers so you feel better about putting up with this.
He also blamed the fact you had children on his infidelity. Spineless arsehole...

What would you advise if your daughter came to you with this?

Depends. Not exclusive is just that? Were you having sex before being exclusive?

@Idontknowwhattodo2 thank you. Yeah that's my biggest concern. I just don't know how you even begin to rebuild trust or respect again. I'll never ever look at him thorough the same eyes again and that in itself hurts because I had so much respect for him in the first few months. He came across as someone with so much integrity but it was all bollocks.
I mean, if I'd wanted a shitty little fuckboy I could have picked one up anywhere they're all over online dating! He just seemed so different and now I feel like such a mug for believing that.
One thing that really irritates me, is that I said to him I'd understand if he wanted to keep things casual and see other people but he said he wanted to be exclusive. I had other guys asking me out for drinks around that time but, being a decent human with some kind of conscience, I turned them all down because I'd agreed exclusivity with him. I get so annoyed when I think back to everything he said at the time.

I think the more I keep going over it (which all your responses are really helping with thank you!) the more I think that perhaps ending things is the best option

@morrisseysquif sorry I don't understand what you mean? We were exclusive when this happened and yes we were having sex.

@Whatwouldbigfatfannydo I'd tell her to dump the spineless arsehole

OP, you deserve those same standards

I think you can get past it. My dh met up with an ex girlfriend when we’d been seeing each other about 2months. She’d moved abroad when they split and had come for a visit with her friend who had been seeing his friend. They met up as a 4, his friend was still in contact with her friend.

So they met up, he told me he was away with work. At the time he was planning on leaving the uk and returning home so we’d always said we were casual (I was more casual with him as I was just out of a 5yr relationship and not looking for a bf). I was upset when I found out and we did end up splitting as I couldn’t trust him and we had no future anyway.

3months later we got back in contact, he had decided to stay in the UK and wanted to see if I’d give it another go. Decided to although I was a bit wary still. He changed totally when we were back together, was much more serious and wanted commitment from me, was very considerate, made his feelings about wanting a future clear. We moved in together. It’s now 18 years later, been married 15 years, 2 dc. Marriage is difficult, especially if you marry someone from a different culture / country but there’s definitely lots more ups than downs.

The early days of any relationship are difficult as you never know if that person is the right one for you so it’s quite common for people to keep their options a bit open and not rush in too quick. If you can forgive him and want to try then go for it. My dh regretted seeing his ex and us splitting as a result, it really shook him up and made him question where his life was heading and what he wanted.

@Whatwouldbigfatfannydo I know I do.
I hate that I allowed him to build the relationship he now has with my children based on a lie. No matter what anyone says they truly do adore him.
But the more I vent on here, the more I hate him for what he's done.