Cheating early on....Can we move past it?

[unsureinsecure]

I'll try to keep this short but don't want to drip feed so bear with me! Bit of a back story: been with my OH for 2 years now. Started slowly just dating once or twice a week. Agreed to be exclusive around the 8 week mark. Ignored a few little signs in the first few months that I brushed off as my own paranoia (stupid I know!)
Everything was lovely. He seemed so genuine, caring, funny and we just got on great.
Said the L word after about 6 months and after about 8 months I began slowly introducing him to my kids. He's been amazing with them, they adore him and obviously now we're nearing the 2 year mark he's become a consistent part of their lives.
In around May this year I had some little niggles that I couldn't shake off going back to the first few months. I'm not even ashamed to say it, I checked his phone.
From messages on their it became clear that during the first few months (after we became 'exclusive' but before we got serious and said we loved each other) he was seeing another girl and messaging others. The times and dates he told me he'd 'left his phone at work' or his phone was 'playing up and not getting messages' all matched to the dates he was with her.
I had it out with him at he confessed (although it was like pulling teeth) that he'd met up with this girl a handful of times and they'd 'just' kissed and felt each other up in a service station car park 🤢
When I found out I felt so sick. I felt so hurt that I'd meant so little to him at that time that it was worth the risk. I felt like the man I had since fallen in love with was a complete lie as the man he presented himself to be could have never done that. At that point he begged, cried, pleaded for me to judge him on who he is now and the man he's been since we got serious and not the pathetic little boy he was back then. He offered me all his passwords to everything, open access to his phone/ emails etc. There has been absolutely nothing since that time to suggest he's done anything else but obviously I'll never truly know.
His reasoning is that at the time he was being a stupid little boy who was enjoying the attention, he didn't really think we'd get serious (down to me having kids and him not)
We had some time apart and I agreed to try again. I want to, I really do. Sometimes it's great but other times I really struggle.
So I'm asking:

• is it possible?
• HOW do you leave the past in the past?
• is this a sign that he is just a turd with no moral compass and he'll do it again or is it possible that he genuinely regrets what he did and changed when we got more serious?

He says he hates himself for what he did.

Obviously if I'd found out at the time, or followed up on the niggles at the time, I'd have finished it there and then but we've come so far since then I'd like to try and move forward, I just don't know if or how I can.

Thinking about it the split did us good, I’m not sure I could have continued with him as things were. The break was needed. Maybe that’s what’s best and if you give it some time something might happen in future. Good luck x

I hope not.

One thing that really irritates me, is that I said to him I'd understand if he wanted to keep things casual and see other people but he said he wanted to be exclusive.

There's really no excuse for this. What he mean was he wanted YOU to be exclusive.

@ProfessorPootle thank you for sharing. I just don't know if I can get past the calculated lies and the cheap, repulsive things he was doing behind my back.
We were sleeping together very regularly but yet he still needed to meet up for fumbles in service station car parks?
Makes me cringe even thinking about it

I'm going to take some time out to really think about where I want this to go. My heads all over the place right now

@Drabarni cheers for that. Helpful 🙄

Call a spade a spade me.
try putting your kids first, you come across as not having a clue.

@unsureinsecure I do feel terrible for you because this kind of hurt brings up so many emotions. Its not you or children's fault he did this. He made a clear choice in his head to go ahead and do as he pleased. They must think of the women they have when these things happen because how can you just forget a relationship because another woman is available. I have been and still are going through hell over my situation because 15 years of a life together meant nothing to him on the end. He keeps texting me now saying he fell for her and shouldn't have and he loves her....then there is nothing going on... Blah blah blah. Whatever the reasons are you need to be true to yourself as a strong woman and mother and dont make the same mistakes I did. I still love my ex with all my heart but there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I had pulled away before I had gotten so involved and had a child. I could have met someone else and maybe had a happier life... Who knows

Just ask yourself - even if you move on and get married etc - would you 100% trust him without any doubt? For example if he goes on a lads holiday, work trips... whatever. Are you going to want to check his phone?

If you can trust him, then stick.

If you can’t, do you real let want to be living that kind of life forever?

If we could see the cheats, abusers and liars for who they were at the very beginning, no woman would ever be mistreated again.
You allowed the relationship to develop because you trusted him as a partner.
He's the one undermining your worth here, it's nothing you did but you do have the control now to make the right choice for you and your dc.

Firstly, it won't have been 'fumbles'. Sex, undoubtedly. No, don't say 'but he swears he didn't' etc - nope, you now know that this guy will lie, calculated lying, to your face. So you cannot now ever say to yourself 'But I know he wouldn't and he's promised me'. There is no way that he will tell you he had sex with other people in the first months despite exclusivity that he pushed for, not when he knows his fate hangs in the balance! Don't be silly - they had sex. I'd bet the farm on that.

Anyway. To your real question.

Is he sorry and won't ever do it again? - Well, yes he's definitely sorry because now he has a good thing going and doesn't want to lose it, and may indeed (in whatever looooose definition of the word he has) love you. Will he do it again? How the fuck will you ever know - because one thing you do now know is that he's capable of breathtaking lies and is comfortable with cheating. Those are facts. So no, you can't know. So the decision isn't whether you believe he'll do it again, but whether you can live with the uncertainty of knowing it's possible.

is he just a turd with no moral compass - yes! From your posts, absolutely 100% yes. He cheated, repeatedly, in a calculated way, when you were exclusive and lied comprehensively to your face about it. Also, what strikes me as particularly nasty is that he pushed to be exclusive. If he was a genuine person who honestly didn't necessarily see a serious future with you, he had the option of not committing to this and still developing a relationship with you - you offered him a casual thing in the early days. However, he made sure he got you agreeing to be exclusive, giving him some nicely misogynistic peace of mind that 'his woman' would be waiting for him chastely at home - while he carried on playing the field. Total, total disrespect.

THAT more than anything tells me what kind of a man this is. The fact that he is close to your children rings alarm bells for me rather than being a reason to continue. His actions show that he isn't at all a suitable role model. Decent men just don't behave like that. Your gut knows it and that's why the respect has gone.

So no I would not stay with him and I'm glad that this thread is making you more angry. He may never cheat again but that's not really the main point, is it?

@Drabarni
My kids came from a 12 year relationship with their father which broke down amicably and with whom I co parent very successfully. I was single for 2 years after that and very slowly introduced someone to them which, at the time, seemed like the right thing to do. They have not been introduced to anyone else.
Where the fuck you get 'your children seem to like randoms as father figures' from I don't know. Or how you can judge my entire parenting ability based on the fact I've been cheated on by someone I genuinely thought was a good man 🤔
Anyway, while I'm sure it's a great view from your high horse in perfectville, may I suggest you trot along elsewhere as kicking someone while they're already feeling pretty low really isn't needed or helpful.
Of course I'm sure you'd never find yourself in a similar position as you're apparently so clued up, but if you ever do, I hope it hurts like hell 🙂

Also,

Obviously if I'd found out at the time, or followed up on the niggles at the time, I'd have finished it there and then but we've come so far since then I'd like to try and move forward

google the 'sunk costs fallacy'.

@FizzyGreenWater thank you. I agree with absolutely everything you've said.
I know what I need to do.

Thank you all (apart from 1! 😂) your replies have really helped me see things a bit clearer. I haven't told anyone in real life so it's helped to talk about it with someone other than him.

Off to ask a random stranger if they fancy playing daddy to my kids for a bit 🙄

Call a spade a spade me. - LOL, talk about carrying a flag saying 'Proud of being an offensive, ill-informed TWAT'

Good luck OP, I'm sorry you're going through this

@FizzyGreenWater thank you. I appreciate all your words
I know I'll be fine, I've never felt like I need a man. It was just so nice this time until finding this out. But now it's not so I know what needs to be done.

I wish you all the best. You seem like a strong woman and you will be ok.

@MedusaMomma thank you ☺️

Agree OP that sunk cost fallacy isn't advisable. Realistically you don't know he regrets it, he was perfectly happy to do it at the time and wasn't bothered. All you know for sure is that he is saying the things he needs to say that he knows will get the response he wants. From a very practiced liar I wouldn't take that to be anything positive.

The truth is inconvenient sometimes but the priority is acknowledging your self worth and if you stay with someone who has cheated, lied, and disrespected you then ultimately will that be affected. What he did is pretty embarrassing and he sounds gross- whether he eventually decided to settle down with you and has (as far as you know) been fine since doesn't change he fact he has demonstrated some pretty pathetic character traits. I'd not be accepting 'I was a boy then' - it's not even two years is it?! he is just trying to make you see that person as a different person so that by staying with him you will have to write that off. He is either deluded (as most liars are) or just a dick.

I hope you've had a sexual health check since you've been with him OP, every man and his dog who have cheated or had an affair are desperate to pretend they never went all the way. Regardless a fumble in the car park is an STI risk if anyone touched anyone genitals unprotected. If he had been dating you a few weeks/months and was doing it with you, he'll have been doing it with whoever else he was seeing, I think to think otherwise would be naive.

Sorry OP it all must be a shock, and horrible. What a dick he is