If your dh cheated

[Sosounhappy]

Would you have appreciated somebody telling you that were?

"They admitted it to a friend of mine"

Hearsay isn't really good enough.

And I am (weirdly) grateful to the person who told me , and usually very firmly in the 'tell' camp.

OP: I suggest you will get better and more relavant responses if you actually lay out the spcircumstances, rather than adding the odd sentence every now and again.

If you are to tell, you will need to be a lot candid and a lot less coy than you are being on this thread.

I'm not sure how you can go about it other than messaging them to let them know?

Why did they admit it to a friend? Were they caught or confronted?

So you don't actually know anything. It's a rumour based on gossip from a'friend'.

You see this is why I said how you do it is important.

Is the wide someone you know?

At the moment you have a car parked somewhere unusual and a friend that says the person has admitted it.

That's just causing hurt. You tell the wife that, he can easily lie about it. Then the wife is left in limbo not knowing what to believe.

Tread carefully. My former best friend always said that she would want to know if her DH had cheated . I discovered that he was, he admitted it to me but refused to give up OW. Eventually I told my friend. She hasn’t spoken to me since and is still with her DH!
According to another friend , DH denied it and convinced my friend I was jealous of them.
Sometimes it is the messenger who is shot.

Perhaps leave alone then

Hell yes I would have!
It's humiliating knowing that others know and haven't told you.
And I let them know that I was not happy that they let it carry on without informing me.
Fucking bastards!
You already think you are going insane.
You KNOW something is going on but have no proof.
You feel it.
Your instincts are telling you something is wrong.
They deny deny deny.
You feel like you are going crazier and crazier.
It's fucking torture.
Tell her!

Yes, I think I'd want to know but in a 'kind' way.
Some of my exh's colleagues knew he was having an affair with someone at work and I knew them and some of their wives from works parties, get togethers, etc. I understand their 'loyalty' to my ex but would have appreciated knowing sooner. As it turns out he wasn't clever enough to have an affair without me finding out and I did so early on but still...

I think a lot of this depends on your motivation for telling the woman. Is it out of empathy/kindness or another reason?

It is purely if it was me I would want to know. I found out dh was having an emotional affair and wish I had known earlier.

Tbh a car parked somewhere strange and hearsay is very far from evidence I’m afraid.

Only with absolute cast iron evidence.

The driving yourself mad being suspicious but not knowing is hell.

A kiss on a night out, ignorance is bliss. Potentially a one night stand I wouldn't want to know about either.

An affair emotional or physical then yes but I'd want evidence also as he would likely deny it (assuming most would without evidence).

I'd rather know so I could decide what to do with my future rather than leave it up to a cheating partner to decide. I'd send an anonymous message, card or text saying 'so sorry but I thought you should know'

I wish someone had told me .

You have no proof and could well look like a shitstirer. Are you?

Yes I would want to know

Yes...I was cheated on and wish someone had told me, had they any evidence of it. But the OW and the Ex were very sneaky despite conducting their affair at their work place.

You need to know for certain yourself.
I got told DP was cheating. He wasn't - he was covering for a friend who was married with kids.

Funnily enough, it was the friends sister who made the initial claim saying "I'm sick of us all being treated like crap."

She never did get round to telling her SIL though

I wanted to tell the wife once I knew (we'd been to their wedding about 18 months earlier) but they have 3 kids and she's forgiven him a million times before so I'd either be blamed for splitting the family up by him or blamed for causing trouble by them both.
I think it always depends on circumstances.

I am in this horrible position, I know and have concrete evidence that my BIL has cheated on my SIL its a very complicated situation, children involved we all live in country that is not our home, I hate that I know this & I know that she absolutely deserves to know, but I would be that messenger who was shot, it would be me who destroyed a family- not the cheating lying arse,

Absolutely grass them up

Yes and I would then end it.

I wouldn't want to know because if he's been seen, the chances are it's a) a one off b) a misunderstanding c) nothing terribly serious. In which case ignorance is bliss - I love him and I love our life, and if he's had his head turned for a split second but loves me still and wants to stay, then I don't need the angst. I just want to carry on and forget it.

If he was unhappy enough to actually start a serious affair with emotional attachment, then he's already checked out - and he would definitely tell me before it got to that point, so if he wanted to go he'd just go. I met him when he was with someone else, I fancied him like mad and he'd been unhappy for years - but he didn't come near me until he'd moved out of the home.

Not sure if I'm explaining it very well. I know someone who found about her partners affair on the morning of their wedding. They went ahead and got married and they're fine 5 years later, he didn't actually want to leave. Whether they'll stay fine forever I really can't say doubtful !

I had a philandering father, so maybe I have a different attitude or I'm very naive, I don't know.

This is such a tough one & I think I would like to know but then i'm pretty sure if I would not tell unless family or bf.

My reasons for not telling

If you tell you & they separate you will always be the person who reminds them off bad memories.
If you tell & they decide to work it out your relationship will forever be compromised.
Some people just don't want to know or some suspect but keep quiet because they prefer the status quo. You telling forces their hand.

I agree with you completely @WhoisitnowRalph I wouldn’t want to know! How does the OP know the wife doesn’t already know and isn’t just turning the other way from it out of choice? Leave well alone I doubt you’ll be thanked for getting involved (shit stirring.)