Dp and I had terrible fight in front of Dc

[familyissue]

I feel awful. It sounds stupid, do over reacted.

I made a passing comment to dp...basically I was carving a chicken and he kept reaching over me and taking bits of chicken/skin off. I asked him to stop then as I was serving the food he took a big spoon of stuffing that was swimming in the chicken fat and I said 'that's disgusting, it's all fat'.

He lost it! Started shouting at me saying i won't speak to him like that and when I brushed him off saying he was being silly he got more annoyed and started shouting and pointing finger in my face 😰

He was saying my attitude is horrible and I won't put him down like that. Then I was shouting at him to stop and I slammed down my knife and fork on table and stormed up stairs upset. I feel awful on poor kids. They looked so scared.

Ds10 came after me a while later to check on me. I went back down and he started again. Ds 9 said to him are you not going to apolagise and do kept saying' your mam has to apologize!!' He was mimicking me too.

Wtf is wrong with him? This will go on for a week now because he won't 'give in' and neither will I. I said to him 'you won't ever do that to me again' and poor ds wrote a message on my notepad in phone 'are you and dad going to break up?'

Wtf how can something escalate over something so stupid.

He said he was annoyed as earlier we were discussing kids and I said hat he bagged them too much over stupid things and it knocks their confidence.

He is a normal guy, how can he treat me like that just because he's in bad form!

Also how do I handle this with kids?

He did that because he could.

Why are you and he together at all?. It is a question you want to be asking yourself.

What do you mean also by this “he won’t give in” comment?.

He knocks your children’s confidence as well and now he has started on you for no good reason. You are not to blame for the actions of another person and you are not responsible for him. It was a complete over reaction on his part and I think he was looking for a fight.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

I don't think the finger pointing in the face is excusable especially in front of the kids. I think he should apologise for that to them and you. Sorry not much advice here. It's a horrible situation that you both need to somehow get through whilst reassuring the children. It's no excuse but was he hangry? My DP can massively overreact when he is hungry but he recognises it and is generally apologetic.

You called him disgusting in front of the children. I can understand his reaction. You both handled this horribly.

He picked that fight quite on purpose so that he would have, in his mind, as excuse to have a go at you and physically threaten you.

You defended yourself then left the room to end the onslaught.

This is all him.

No she said 'thats disgusting' not that he was. He needs to wind his neck in. Hangry or not, you don't kick off like that in front of kids. That shit can stay with them for a long time. Your husband needs to apologise to you in front of the kids to make them see all is well. Even if behind closed doors you hiss at him.

Neither of you know how to treat each other. What can children learn from this . How not to behave.

As an aside chicken is a lean meat so how come it is left swimming in fat. I am a vegetarian so just curious.

A positive suggestion. Behave yourselves. Treat each other with mutual respect. Apologise to your children. Grow up.

Life is a stressful business. Your home is your sanctuary and so it should be for children.

Best wishes.

He just came back upstairs to have another go at me. He is so sure that he is right that I'm questioning this. He says I speak down to him all the time. I don't think I do. He is upset that I blamed the confidence issues on him earlier. He says I will never take ownership of my mistakes. He said I shout at kids at times aswell, of course I do and I'd be lying if I said I never would again but they test the boundaries sometimes and of course I lose it when pushed.

We have been together a long time, he is not controlling in any way but he definitely has gone through phases over the years where he is in bad form and takes it out me me, snaps at me etc

What I meant by 'give in' was he won't apologize to me. He is stubborn but so am I.

He behaves like that because he can, because he does not respect you, because he thinks he is above you, because he is certain you would never leave you so he can treat you like shit .

And you think he is a” normal guy “

The OP didn't call her partner 'disgusting' she said what he was doing was disgusting, that's very different from calling him names. The fact that this will now rumble on for days would make me question whether I was in the right relationship, it is not the way I would want my children to learn to handle conflict.

When I say 'normal guy' I mean we get on a lot of the time. But he goes through moody periods where he gets snappy and has low tolerance with kids. Don't get me wrong, we all have bad times and tired times but if he is stressed he will get very moody and snappy.

I know and they don't handle conflict well, when they fight with each other, they end up shouting calling each other names, hitting etc until I intervene.

He has good traits too, but my gut is that this isn't right. We can not communicate properly with each other.

The funny thing is, he is saying that I have no right to comment on what he is eating like that but he would be the very one to comment if was overindulging on takeaways for example

He has ground you down over the years by abusing you in such a manner. He has done a bang up job on you to get you to this current low point. He has not changed and he knows all too well that you are not going to leave him soon if at all.

What are your boundaries like in relationships, he has only served to lower these.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Normal guys do not act like this, abusers do.

Well my parents split when I was three and didn't really get on great so I don't have much to go on...

My mother was/isa great mum who treated us with huge respect and care :(

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, it is about power and control. He wants absolute over you and your sons.

It seems very much one rule for him and quite another for you people in this house. And that it just how he likes it, he likes the power and control.

Would you want them to treat their partners like this man is treating you as their mother?. You are showing your sons that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level. It’s no legacy to leave them.

Abusive people can be nice sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one.

Leave him.

History can have a nasty habit of repeating itself. You probably only get on better with this man when you are quiet and undemanding. Any challenge to what he sees as the order of things to suit him being challenged leads to him kicking off like earlier.

You have a choice re this man just as your mother did with her man too. Your children do not, they have to follow your lead.

Please leave him.

I grew up in a household just like this and it was awful. Constantly treading on eggshells and worrying if my parents were going to get divorced. In hindsight, I wish they did! I'm now NC with them both (they separated ten years ago).

I suppose you feel somehow responsible for his mood also. Being moody is his sole responsibility, not yours to try and jolly him along out of.

He does this because he can. This from him will continue to have deleterious effects on both you and your kids. This is no legacy to leave them.

He sounds like a knob OP. You did nothing wrong at all!!

I know and they don't handle conflict well, when they fight with each other, they end up shouting calling each other names, hitting etc until I intervene.

This is what your relationship is teaching your kids.

It will become more and more ingrained into them, if it's not already.

If he sulks and you argue all the time; you need to be apart for your children's sake.

Attila is spot on.

Maybe take a look at this:

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Oh God! FFS you both did the wrong thing. You need to accept it and so does he. I don't understand why it always boils down to LTB. Marriage involves two not just one. You both have to work together. As you put it, you're stubborn yourself so just can't put the blame on him for this outrage.

Apart from others, I see this a pure miscommunication. You both need to work on your communication skills. Treat each other with some respect and be patient. Put your ego aside and promise each other that you will never argue/fight in front of the kids. You will take it to your bedroom. It is hard. I still find it hard but I have learned that no one is less in a relationship. If I am apologizing first, it doesn't mean my DH is right. It helps significantly when I apologize (not just for the sake of it but meaningfully and rightfully I mean my apology) and it immediately calms him down, he sees how he spoken to me and how much it hurts me and he would tell me the same but it will be very respectful and calmer.

I am not advising you to apologize but try and come to middle ground. Sure you love your DH and understands him better than anyone of us here. Whatever happened was awful and you both should try not to do it again, especially in front of your kids again.

My DH and I use to fight like that. I still remember we had an argument and it escalated quickly, kids were there at that time (they were 7 & 9), I was crying and screamed at my DH saying I want to leave this house (not forever, just wanted to get out to clear my head) but our kids started crying while I stood at the door holding the door knob, 1 was at the stairs sobbing other closed himself in the closet and crying. That day, I promised myself that I would never ever argue/fight in front the kids again. Of course we still fight but we understand and respect our kids, and continue our fight in our bedroom now.

Ok so you both discipline the children, which is great, what's the difference in how you discipline and he disciplines? What makes his discipline, confidence knocking, but yours ok (genuine question; not being goady I am genuinely asking to see if you discipline more or he does, does he go way over the top and blame the children for everything etc)

I wouldn't tell my husband that something he was doing was disgusting... if he wants to eat grease soaked stuffing then be my guest, but equally if you felt it wasn't something he should be doing at the dinner table then fair enough.

Also; do you belittle him? Is he gaslighting you to control you or do you put him down in front of the children, do you ever admit your mistakes? You did say you were both stubborn.

For the record in the case of this argument he was in the wrong for how it escalated and you did the right thing by removing yourself. I can understand people telling you he's a twat and he's controlling etc based on what's happened tonight but you say you've been together a long time, so is this the norm? Is this him at breaking point because you belittle him? Or you at breaking point because he's controlling?

For what it's worth me and DH argue in front of the children from time and time (rarely but we're not perfect it happens - my parents have been married 48 years and I remember some shocking arguments but I still love both my parents deeply, don't feel guilty about losing it every now and then, we just ensure we both apologise, in front of the children, and also apologise to the children for unacceptable behaviour.

Finally I do agree with other posters that if this is a regular occurrence you need to be apart and your children are possibly fighting based on what they are witnessing at home.

I know I am going against the grain by not calling him controlling and telling you to LTB but that's because I don't know for sure based on this whether it is control. He could genuinely feel like you do put him down all the time and tonight's minor disagreement is the straw that broke the camels back.