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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure I understsnd why I let someone do this to me?

50 replies

Magnolia36 · 22/10/2019 11:53

Hello,
This is a really hard thread to write.
I am a single mother, professional, educated, finanically in a very good place, I have a very good career in London - but on Saturday night I met up with someone from a dating site for a first date.
We'd been texting and then sexting - something I'd never done before but was initiated by him. He did explain that he was dominant sexually - which I asked about - thought it sounded quite exciting...spanking, being blind folded, that kind of thing. One thing led to another and we ended up back at his house in bed (again not something I've ever done). I wasn't drunk and I wasn't drugged and I essentially let this man slap my face, hit me, bite me and other completely degrading things that I've never done before.
My ex husband was an alchoholic and pretty awful.
I just feel so stupid and ashamed. Obviously this man has now written and said he doesn't see me as being a long term partner so doesn't want to see me again. and obviously he is bad news - I know this, but the humiliation and rejection is crippling. In the 8 months I've been online dating - all the men I meet 50 + either aren'r ready, or a million other reasons why they are not ready to commit...
Please, please, please tell me that there are decent guys out there.
That I'm not completely mad a worthless...

OP posts:
KindnessCrusader · 22/10/2019 11:57

You are not worthless. Not at all. It's such a cliche but you really do need to learn to love (or even like!) yourself before you'll allow yourself to meet someone that will do the same.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 22/10/2019 12:03

Don’t feel bad! You had a one-night stand that went a bit 50 Shades, that’s all. Loads of men bin women after they’ve shagged them so it’s 100% not a reflection on you or your desirability. It’s him being a twat.

If dating and rejection is causing you to feel this much pain, please take a dating sabbatical. At least for the rest of 2019. Delete the dating apps, cancel any subscriptions to dating sites, and focus COMPLETELY on yourself and your life with your children.

If there’s anything you’d like to change about yourself for your OWN self-esteem, do that. If there are any studies or hobbies you’d like to pursue FOR YOURSELF, do that.

Build yourself up from the inside out.

RhinoskinhaveI · 22/10/2019 12:17

Most of us have done crazy things that we prefer not to talk about, he might be very skilled and manipulating people ....he probably is
Perhaps you could analyse what went on and use it as a learning experience, try and see exactly how he managed to manoeuvre you into doing things that you wouldn't normally do?

Original poster
Magnolia36 · 22/10/2019 12:24

oh god, ok...thank you for the advice and supportive words - you have no idea...i really needed to hear some rational words as my own head is a complete mess...

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 22/10/2019 12:27

So sorry this man treated you so badly.

RhinoskinhaveI · 22/10/2019 12:30

You're going to be ok Magnolia 😊 give yourself some time to process things, you can put this event in the past.
It doesn't define you, it's just an out of character thing that you did, you fell victim to a skilled manipulator, now that you have learnt a bit about how these people operate you will be able to spot them and keep away.

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2019 12:32

I think you need to look at your own self esteem and boundaries op. It sounds like you were so keen to be involved with this man, you went against everything you want just to be involved. That desperation for a relationship can't drive you to do things you simply don't want to to please some man you've just met.

I don't think you should date for awhile, but maybe seek some counselling, because there is a shit load of weirdos who will take advantage of you given half a chance.

I hope you're ok and he didn't hurt you physically as well.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 22/10/2019 12:33

So sorry to hear you feel so bad

firstoffence · 22/10/2019 12:33

Hi, hope you are ok!
Think of this as a lucky escape, if you had discovered this a year down the line you would be more heavily invested.
Everyone has their kinks but that sounds a bit extreme!

GrumpyHoonMain · 22/10/2019 12:35

This is nothing like being with your abusive ex. Your consent was obtained and I presume you had a safe-word and negotiated what you were and weren’t comfortable doing first. If you liked it that’s fine, if you didn’t like it that’s fine too, don’t judge yourself!

RhinoskinhaveI · 22/10/2019 12:35

I think what these people do is they bring the victim to a certain level of sexual arousal and then they instinctively know that once you're in a certain 'state' they can get you to do other things that you wouldn't normally do.
You feel as if it's your fault because you went along with it willingly but actually you've been very carefully and skilfully groomed, creating the illusion that you consented when really you didn't fully understand what you are consenting to is all part of the grooming process.

FavouriteSoul · 22/10/2019 12:36

Don't beat yourself up about being manipulated by this man. I bet that's his modus operandi with all his dates. There ARE decent men out there. Be kind to yourself.

KnickerBockerAndrew · 22/10/2019 12:38

Hey OP, it's really okay. I can't tell from your OP whether you enjoyed the sexual experience you had with this man, only that you were ashamed later- but you really don't have to feel ashamed about anything. Many, many people enjoy this kind of sex, and it sounds like you both consented to it.
Be kind to yourself OP.

SpoonBlender · 22/10/2019 12:45

On the plus side you've tried something new and discovered you don't like it so you can avoid it (and people who need it to get off) in future.

Wherearemymarbles · 22/10/2019 12:47

What would you have done if he had wanted to see you again? And wanted more of the same?

I dont think you did anything wrong and at best your were a bit naive and worst foolish and to be frank some people really do it off on that kind of thing!. It might have been you..

Plenty of people sleep with someone on a 1st date so be kind to yourself, pick your self up, dust your self off and keep going. Which I imagine you’ve to done in your career many times!

RantyAnty · 22/10/2019 12:57

It's not you. There are hoards of dysfunctional abusive manipulative men out there. You just happened to be sucked in by one.

Men lie to get sex. Men use women for sex.
Men will spend time warming you up online chatting sexting to try to get a false familiarity when really, they can and do say anything. They're still a stranger. There is no reason to trust a stranger at first. They have to prove themselves to you over time.

Decide what your values, boundaries, and dealbreakers are and write them down. Never give them an inch ever.

Don't spend weeks chatting with someone. Meet for a coffee date only.

Watch out for broke cocklodgers with a sad story. They prey on single mums who are financially sound.

Sad it is that way but there are far too many losers out there.

7125r · 22/10/2019 13:00

NC for this.

Honestly OP, it’s okay! Loads of people have had S&M-type sex, either in a committed relationship or with a casual partner. As long as you both consented to it, it’s fine. It’s not strange or unusual or wrong or dirty. However, it can be risky to engage in it with someone you don’t know and trust and I suspect your negative feelings about it now are partly regret now the moment has passed that you possibly put yourself in harm’s way (though harm can come from any sexual encounter, including vanilla ones), possibly some shame if you overloaded yourself with a whole host of new sexual acts at once/confusion about having enjoyed or been happy to try it, and you probably feel a bit weird about having done something so intense with someone who hasn’t stuck around/isn’t around after to help make you feel secure and ‘close the book’ so to speak. I get off on being degraded and submissive, as part of a wider sex life where at other times it’s all very loving and equal and ‘vanilla’. Yet even so, sex can involve a lot of emotion and being that vulnerable and explorative with someone else you don’t know very well can leave you with a lot of emotions to process. I think a lot of people can relate to feeling lost or used or empty after a consensual encounter if the other person has had to dash off straight away afterwards and you’re still experiencing the emotions (and in the case of S&M sometimes the physical effects!) while laid in bed alone.

Does that make sense? I had a similar dynamic with a casual ex, we were both equally into it, but I found that after we’d done stuff I really needed emotionally to have some time laying there together, snuggling, stroking, kissing etc. or I’d feel used. I knew I wasn’t being used, I fully consented to it all and it was my cup of tea, but emotionally the first few times at least I felt a bit overwhelmed with going to such an intense place with someone and handing over so much power and vulnerability, only to be kinda left feeling like I was twisting in the wind alone. Almost like I wanted that closeness after just to come back to Earth. You haven’t had that because you’re not planning to see each other again and it’s okay to feel a bit confused and lost, it’s a lot to process if it’s the first time you’ve explored the stuff you have. In the S&M world there’s a term ‘sub space’ which you might want to look up, and it’s generally considered caring to take time together to come back out of that before walking away.

You’ll be okay. If it wasn’t consensual then of course this is an entirely different situation, but I feel like you’d have said so if that was the case. You put yourself out there, tried something new that appealed to you, perhaps went further in the moment then you wish you had reflecting back in the cold light of day, and feel a little upset or hurt that you were so intensely vulnerable with somebody who has then essentially rejected you. You’ll be alright. Totally normal to feel the way you do right now. If you ever want to explore this sexual dynamic in the future it sounds like something better saved for a more ongoing relationship.

SouthernComforts · 22/10/2019 13:03

Is the problem that you didn't enjoy it at the time but didn't feel confident/able to say stop? Or just generally that you didn't enjoy that kind of sex? If it's the first my answer would be different to the second.

If it is the latter, you tried something new, didn't like it, and the guys buggered off anyway so draw a line under it and move on. You've nothing to be ashamed of!!

If it's the first, then I'm really sorry you went through something you weren't comfortable with, I don't know how to advise Flowers

ISawyouinTescoyesterday · 22/10/2019 13:05

Hi can I ask why you have to tell everyone your highly educated and have a good career? It doesn't matter who writes a thread, but I find it a bit pompous.

CallMeOnMyCell · 22/10/2019 13:10

Was it consensual? Either way I wouldn’t want to be with a man with these sort of sexual preferences so you’ve had a lucky escape.

RhinoskinhaveI · 22/10/2019 13:11

Isawyouintesco
OP has experienced something very upsetting and is reaching out for support, why do you feel the need to attack her?

sableandI · 22/10/2019 13:20

Dear op, I'd put it down to an experience and you can cross off dominating male. You have nothing to feel bad about.

RantyAnty · 22/10/2019 13:21

@ISawyouinTescoyesterday

It's not very polite to disparage someone else's good fortune because of envy.

Monsterdogs · 22/10/2019 13:32

@ISawyouinTescoyesterday I felt that the op was putting her one off sexual decision in context of the rest of her life. She sounds like she's having a hard time, why kick someone when they are down?

Bellringer · 22/10/2019 13:32

You can meet all sorts on the internet. Better off chatting up the postman, or meeting through friends or activityty. Get to know them first. This bloke is a dog. Most of them just want a shag