Not sure I understsnd why I let someone do this to me?

[Magnolia36]

Hello,
This is a really hard thread to write.
I am a single mother, professional, educated, finanically in a very good place, I have a very good career in London - but on Saturday night I met up with someone from a dating site for a first date.
We'd been texting and then sexting - something I'd never done before but was initiated by him. He did explain that he was dominant sexually - which I asked about - thought it sounded quite exciting...spanking, being blind folded, that kind of thing. One thing led to another and we ended up back at his house in bed (again not something I've ever done). I wasn't drunk and I wasn't drugged and I essentially let this man slap my face, hit me, bite me and other completely degrading things that I've never done before.
My ex husband was an alchoholic and pretty awful.
I just feel so stupid and ashamed. Obviously this man has now written and said he doesn't see me as being a long term partner so doesn't want to see me again. and obviously he is bad news - I know this, but the humiliation and rejection is crippling. In the 8 months I've been online dating - all the men I meet 50 + either aren'r ready, or a million other reasons why they are not ready to commit...
Please, please, please tell me that there are decent guys out there.
That I'm not completely mad a worthless...

@ISawyouinTescoyesterday I think what OP meant is even though she's seemingly 'together,' she let someone treat her in a way she sees as badly.

You need a dating break think hard about what you want in a relationship/man. dont feel bad we all slip up sometimes dating is a minefield and its easy to be carried along in the stream of things happening. i was on my own for 5 years as i got fed up of bad relationships. my last partner assaulted me with cs gas which ended in a court appearance so i decided to be on my own get to know myself and what i wanted now i am with my partner have been for nearly 4 years and happy

Im sorry, I didn't mean to sound pompous, I just wanted to explain my life and provide background.
It was consensual. And some things I liked, but I didn't like it when he slapped my face, I didn't like it when he choked me or bit me.
But I did think - goodness knows why, that he really liked me - because he said he did. And he had said he wanted to take care of me and had talked about all the lovely dates we were going to have.
I am seeing a doctor on Friday to discuss everything.
Your messages of support and wisdom have been incredible. We don't know each other but am giving you all virtual hugs.

Interestedwomen - yes, you're right...

OP if he had wanted to see you again, would you have?

Did you feel upset and ashamed soon after, or after him saying he didnt want to see you again?

And then do you feel ashamed because he doesnt want to see you again or because of the sex acts.

I think you need to explore this before dating again. It comes across to me that you would have willingly participated again, if he had dangled a long term relationship in front of you.

Even though you werent really happy with all the sex acts and embarrassed by the sex acts.

That really does make you vulnerable.

OP, it doesn't sound as though it was completely consensual. Just because you were happy to have sex with him, doesn't mean you consented to these other acts.

Choking in particular is extremely risky.

OP i can understand why you're upset. Upset with yourself mostly.

I promise you that one day with will look back and laugh at this idiot. He clearly wasnt compatible, so he is obviously no loss.

Hold your head high, your self worth (Educated...etc...) are not deminished by this experience.

As for internet dating... any red flags... such as a potentially incompatible sex life... mean you should just move on. Stop the chat. And on to the next.
Having spent years internet dating my advice would be "if it feels even slightly not right, it isnt, dont waste another second". This would stop you putting yourself in this position again.
I also promise there are nice guys out there. My DP i met online. He was shy, i was his first ever internet date. He is genuine and loving. Dont give up, just dont rush or ignore your instincts.

I also think you need to learn to say "Good night" if its not going in the direction you want on the date. Its fine to make an excuse and leave. We've all done it.
Youll be ok. X

It’s okay to try something new and find out it’s not for you, I just wish for you it’d been in an ongoing closer relationship so you could process all these feelings with the person you had that experience with afterwards. But you can’t turn back time and you’ve learned some stuff about yourself, your preferences, your limits, that you will take forward into the future. I trust you in saying that it was consensual and I’m not sure it’s helpful for anyone else to question your judgment on that, and make it feel even worse or more horrifying looking back. What’s your hope from visiting the doctor?

Op, when a man you've never met before says he wants to take care of you, really red flags should be waving all over the place.

It sounds like you're maybe lonely and desperate for a relationship so did this because you thought the return would be him caring for you and taking you on lovely dates. That's seldom the case.

The men that will care for you are the ones who take the time to get to know you. Not the ones sexting uou before you've even met, and who gets you in the sack on the first date and doesn't check what you like or don't like.

A pp asked a good question, if he'd said he wanted to see you again, would you have said yes? Because if the answer to that is indeed yes, then you do need to seek counselling, and also try to find ways where a relationship isn't something you seek so desperately you'll do things you don't wish with strangers.

I probably would have seen him again if he hadn't rejected me because on the flip side he was charming and complimentary (I know I'm stupid) and I am lonely and stressed and the thought of someone caring for me was so appealing.

And sexually I'd say I'm open minded, and I didn't say no to him, although at the time when he did certain things I mentioned above I did think 'oh I don't like this' but I hadn't done any of it before so it was weird and my head was a mess.

I stayed in an abusive relationship, I only ever seem to meet shit men, maybe the doctor will start to help me feel less worthless...

This kind of stuff really needs explicit consent agreed beforehand. Safewords are no good if someone has their hands around your throat and you can't breathe.

If he didn't ask for your consent before doing these things then he is just a violent, abusive man. Just because you didn't say no, doesn't mean he has consent.

What are you hoping from the doctor? Are you injured or looking for therapy?

I think there are parallels to the abuse. Not that you are only capable of meeting awful men, but that most abusive or even just vaguely unpleasant men have aspects of them that can seem nice, attractive, charming, normal etc. They may still genuinely love dogs, or the same films, or Spanish food just as you do. So you end up focussing on the bonding that happens over fun conversation and shared interests and let the red flags slip past. I expect when you look back you can see little moments that felt off but you ignored as you put them down to you being too picky or nobody being perfect etc.

You just need to sort out what your red flags are, which lines cannot be crossed, and learn to listen to your gut, even when you are enjoying someone's company and don't want it to end. You may well let a few good ones slip through the net, but it's better than hanging on to bad ones.

It's not you, and this is sortable.

I think you really do need to stay off dating until you can under go counselling and try to get to the bottom of your behaviour and how to change it.

Also can you start to look at other ways to fill your life and alleviate your loneliness?

You're just opening youtself up to abuse op by going with men you don't know and doing what ever they want, letting them do what they want.It's not going to make you happy. It really isn't, it's just going to make you even more unhappy.

Not your fault OP. And you don’t keep choosing shit men....

I really like the Shark Cage analogy. It really isn’t your fault, it’s his. He’s a nobber, a creepy predatory nobber, but a nobber nevertheless.

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

He was in the wrong to spring out aggressive moves on you without your explicit consent.

Consent to sex does not equal consent to all actions within sex.

Please don’t beat yourself up about why you ‘let it happen’, it is well known that many women freeze in worse violent situations, and as you said your head was a mess. A decent person would not have done this to a total stranger on a first date. It’s quite scary.

On another note, to help bring closure it may be worth sending him a message, simple to voice what you wished you had said, eg ‘To X, don’t be alarmed at my contacting you, I do not want to see you again. I wanted to be able to tell you that your actions left me feeling hurt and humiliated and I wish I could have spoken up then but I was too stressed in the situation. Please realise that you need to be far more clear about how aggressive/dominant you are going to be in bed, before you go ahead with this again with another stranger. It is really unpleasant and upsetting to have had this experience.’

And block.

Have you looked into the freedom project? I've heard really good things about it and start it in January. I think others are right you need to learn to love yourself, know your worth and be content with being single before trying to find another guy❤️

Lucky escape from this man Op! Had a bad experience myself at the weekend . It is sadly quite common and it’s vital to take care of yourself. Wishing you all the best.

I would look at the Freedom Programme too OP, really good for helping you identify men you'd want to avoid, the online version costs £12 and is worth every penny. Couldn't hurt to read 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft either, lots of info there about how to recognise abusive men and you would feel more confident and sure of your boundaries armed with some knowledge about how to avoid them. This is a link to a pdf version www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Link to the online Freedom Programme freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Hope you are feeling a bit better today OP.

Goodness thank you all for the support and information. I just read the shark cage analogy, yes, I think I just don't feel good enough, attractive enough, slim enough, smart enough, funny enough, interesting enough, the list is endless...and rationally I can think 'don't be so stupid!' But the feelings are there nevertheless.
I will definitely look at the freedom project.
You are all incredible, you have no idea how much all your messages have helped (I hope that doesn't sound too cheesy, as it is genuinely how I feel)...

Rhino skin, just wanted to say your insights yesterday were spot on...that’s pretty much exactly what happened...I think by the time I actually met him I would have agreed to anything...and I did...

Magnolia thank you for the validation 😊
I do feel that these types of predators operate in ways that parallel the paedophile modus operandi,
they are skilled and practiced in the way that they select victims and a big part of the grooming process is is making you feel as if you consented, everything is implied nothing is explicitly spelt out this allows him to bypass your conscious mind
I think they really get off on the power and control.
I hope you're ok, I hope you can get some therapy to work through this💐

Also, your abusive ex helped in the grooming process. Once you have been brutalised into accepting rubbish, it's not easy to stay above that position.

I'm not explaining it well, but we fall back into a fear of rocking the boat. It's why we mustn't bully our children into behaving well, but actually teach them how to make good choices.

It takes a while to recover enough to be less vulnerable to these kinds of people. Give yourself some time. There are a lot of gits out there that need avoiding!

To explain further what I mean about levels of arousal...with arousal you're in a heightened state this can be in a good way or a bad way, you can be in a heightened state of pleasure or a heightened state of fear/pain but the background level of physiological arousal is the same.
So if a person can get you into to a state of pleasurable arousal where on a scale of 1 to 10 you are at level 8 he can keep you in that level 8 zone but 'flip it' so that you are in a state of fear or pain but you don't really sense the transition or have a chance to resist.
I'm sure there are lots of other things going on but I think it's about keeping you in a certain zone where he is in control but you feel as if you went along with it willingly.