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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get over this?

18 replies

Marie84 · 22/10/2019 10:36

I'm really struggling to get over my break up. I can honestly say I've never been this heartbroken. It's been nearly 2 months and I'm still crying every day and struggling to eat anything. We are still in contact which I know probably isn't helping but I just miss him so much. All I want is for us to get back together but he says he doesn't know what he wants. I know I need to move on with my life but how? Any advice would be greatly received.

OP posts:
Ellabella989 · 22/10/2019 10:42

Staying in contact won’t help as you’re not giving yourself the chance to sort your head out and move on. Could you cut contact with him completely for a week to give yourself time to think?
If he was right for you then you would be together, relationships shouldn’t be difficult and full of uncertainties of what you both want. It should just work and be easy when with the one.
I’ve thought I’d literally die from heartbreak from part relationships breaking up and I’d get so angry with other people telling me it was for the best. I couldn’t give two fucks about a single one of them now and wouldn’t even smile at them if I walked past them in the street now. I’m happy with someone now who KNOWS he wants to be with me and we have such a fantastic relationship. Give yourself time away from speaking to him daily. Keep yourself as busy as possible. Hide your phone or keep it turned off when you’re at home so you don’t keep checking it all the time.

LuckyBug89 · 22/10/2019 10:43

Not really any advice because I am in the same position. I have found limiting contact and turning off notifications from messages off him and unfollowing him on social media has helped some.

And I drink milkshakes now because I am not eating a lot and it has calories in so better then nothing.

MikeUniformMike · 22/10/2019 10:58

Cut all contact.
Him saying he doesn't know what he wants isn't helping you.

If you don't contact him, he will want you back, or he won't.
If you grovel, he'll piss you about.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/10/2019 11:02

Ouch. It's hard. It really is.

But you've got to cut contact. All contact. It's the only way to move on.

I do feel for you though. Can you talk to friends in real life/get them to drag you out? Even just go and see a movie or something to take your mind off it.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 22/10/2019 11:14

If you grovel, he'll piss you about

Absolutely this. He may want to keep you dangling as a back up shag.

Original poster
Marie84 · 22/10/2019 11:15

I am trying to cut contact it's just so hard as he is my best friend. I don't really have anyone to talk to and the thought of going out anywhere or seeing anyone makes me feel sick. It's all I can do to drag myself to work then I go home and just crawl into bed 😔

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 22/10/2019 11:17

How long were you together?

Original poster
Marie84 · 22/10/2019 11:29

4 & 1/2 years. I have told him how I feel and he knows I want to be with him so I guess I just have to leave him to it now 😔

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 22/10/2019 11:44

"If you have to beg someone to be in your life, they don't belong there"

OP, I know it hurts, but block then delete his number, put away the keepsakes, and feel the pain of being alone and being wihtouot your ex-partner (and ex-best friend). Even if you did get back together at this point, you know that his heart isn't going to be completely in it.

When you were a little girl, I bet you didn't dream of being with a man who didn't know if he wanted to be with you or not, did you?

Embrace the agony. Allow yourself the crying and the hunkering down. See a professional if you need help. But please, cut yourself off from him - he is only prolonging the agony. Comfort yourself. Hold yourself as you would a child in agony. Love yourself as you would a child in agony. Nurture yourself. Begin the long process of healing that you have put on hold.

You didn't breakup 2 months ago, you began a 'please pick me' dance then. The break up starts when you look the harsh reality in the face and let him go properly by blocking him.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 22/10/2019 11:45

My DD had a glitch in her relationship earlier this year. She had also been with her bf 4.5 years and he was the instigator of the split due to something he did and thereafter was a period of a few weeks when "he didn't know what he wanted". I remember seeing a quote "You deserve someone who would jump fences to be with you. Not someone who is on the fence about being with you." It really struck a chord.

I agree with pp - cut all contact. Whilst he has you hanging on he doesn't have to make a decision. Sometimes losing something is what is needed to focus the mind.

MikeUniformMike · 22/10/2019 12:07

He's not your best friend, he's your ex-boyfriend.
Cut all contact and build a new life.

Fill your time. Do the things you always meant to do, but didn't get round to. Go to a gym class, join a social group or volunteer, anything.

Wallowing won't help.

Sorry to be brutal, but it's for the best.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3697413-Break-up-support-thread-3

Original poster
Marie84 · 22/10/2019 13:55

I haven't been begging him to stay. I obviously don't want him here if he doesn't want to be with me. I just need help getting over him. It's hard and I've never been in this situation before.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 22/10/2019 14:28

I have, and it's hideous. I've always gone NC though.
The pain ends eventually. Approximately 1 month for every year together. Go NC and aim for being ok in 6 months.
Use that link for getting things off your chest.

gustofwind · 22/10/2019 15:19

christmasfluff has it perfectly right, mike too.

I'm sorry OP, but it's the only way. I feel for you, be kind to yourself. Be brave.

If he wanted to find you, he can... Let him go. Feel the inevitable grief and come out of it stronger than ever in a few short months.

gustofwind · 22/10/2019 15:23

The tips... something as simple as audiobooks, netflix, podcasts, cooking something from a book, calling a mate. Just keep your mind busy on other things.

The audiobooks help me immeasurably. Especially commuting to work, when I would usually feel it the most Sad

Flowers
Startingoveragain1 · 22/10/2019 20:16

You have amazing advice here op. Please listen to it. You cant keep him present in your life and try to forget him. Nc will be best, slowly you get used to the fact theyre not there, slowly they also start leaving your mind. We humans are animals of routine. And you too will find a new routine he is not part of. One were youre not suffering , where your heart doesnt keep breaking daily. If he is still sating he doesnt know... you need to be the one to know. Lots of hugs

colouringinpro · 22/10/2019 23:16

Sending sympathy OP Flowers. Some good advice here.

I ended a relationship Monday and am going no contact. It's brutal. But I tried to end things and stay in touch before and it didn't work. Feels fucking awful though doesn't it, four plus years is a long time, it will take more time. Best wishes.

RumbleDoll · 23/10/2019 00:04

I ended mine ( again) yesterday. Blocked and deleted his numbers. We've been off and on for a few years now.
Going NC this time as need peace of mind.
It's so hard but eventually I'll get there.
One day at a time but I feel so empty.

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