Desperate for advice- My partners ex has cancer

[Linfordlamb]

My partners ex has cancer

My boyfriend of two years was just about to start divorce proceedings when he found out his wife (separated three years ago) had just been diagnosed with stage two breast cancer. Very selfishly, it made me sad. I knew that he couldn’t proceed when she was about to start 6 months of chemo, followed by surgery and who knows what else, and I completely understand that decision, I think I would do the same in his position. They have three children together, 13,12 and 8. For a long time the ex refused to let me meet them and my boyfriend respected her wishes. I always thought it would be easier and better for the kids if they didn’t feel conflicted so wanted her to be ready too. She recently caved after all three of the girls kept asking about meeting me (about four weeks ago). It was great and I’m really enjoying getting to know them. We had always agreed that I should meet the ex, so it’s less awkward and she can get to know me on a practical level, as my BF has very demanding job, and in future I might become more responsible/ help with the kids. She had previously agreed to this but now doesn’t want to. I feel like it might help especially given all the impending treatment and complications... but now she won’t allow me to be left alone with any of them under any circumstances. And over the coming months I suspect we will have the children more frequently and that is going to be really difficult.

Rightly or wrongly, she wants me to be as distant as possible from her life and kids (and probably husband) This means I have had little to no opportunity to get to know my boyfriends only sister, family, andhis friends etc. Because she has a relationship with them too after being married to my boyfriend for ten years. I understand the pain and fear you feel from losing someone and feeling rejected by them, but I can’t help but feel sad and resentful of the situation. Especially now it is likely to get worse given that she will need extra support through her treatment. She also has more of reason than ever for calling the shots. She told my boyfriend her consultant said she needs to be entirely selfish and not be stressed at all, so he has to respect her wishes. My boyfriend and I were supposed to be attending a christening next weekend for a close friend of his, we had planned to go. She has now asked that we don’t go so she can go instead as she wants to see her friends. I can’t help but wonder if she is using the situation to be manipulative, or if I am just being cold and unsympathetic towards someone in a sad, scary difficult position.

I just feel frustrated, I am generally a kind, considerate person, and rarely get cross with some of the things she says or does when I know many others would. I just want what is best for the kids at what will be a difficult time for them too. And yes, I am finding it hard for myself too.

Any advice or view points from mothers out there welcome.

I don't have any advice. I think you are correct in needing to respect her decision. However as time progresses I think they both may need to call on your help more so it will naturally evolve ❤️

Sounds hard.

The thing with cancer is everyone who is diagnosed sees death.

So in her mind right now she's probably terrified. She doesn't want to be the cancer patient excluded from events because no one knows what to say and probably also scared of the kids getting to know you - because she's scared of the idea of dying and you replacing her.

I think for now whilst she digests then information you need to step back (although is being being unreasonable!) and show that your intentions are good and avoid it becoming a battle.

She cannot stop her ex/ your DP bringing girls to you when it's his contact.

Let her go the the christening to see her friends without worrying about interacting with you both; she's got enough on her plate at the moment. Make separate arrangements to see the family and give your best wishes - invite them to yours for a meal or something.

Things will hopefully evolve over time, but she's only just been diagnosed, she's got a lot to get her head around and she will need her friends around her. It won't help her to be worrying about the day, where she will be sitting, how she will manage speaking to you, what other people will be thinking etc etc.

Oh wow. What an awful situation. She must be scared stiff. She’s seeing you end up with everything (her husband and her daughters) and she’s going to end up maybe dead. No wonder she’s trying to push you out. Put yourself in her shoes. I think you have to stay distant for now while everyone gets used to the shock of this. Just maintain a dignified silence. If you say or do anything right now then you’ll be the bad one who upset somebody with cancer. I suggest you go get counselling for yourself. Have you thought about what happens if she doesn’t make it? You’d best go talk to somebody about your feelings surrounding that. You could end up step mum to 3 very upset and angry girls. It’s a very difficult situation all round.

How was your relationship before the diagnosis? Would she normally avoid events where you were there with your partner?

I actually think you also need to be selfish here and have a think about whether or not you are prepared to be pushed aside for an undetermined period of time. If you grin and bear it while silently seething you will end up very resentful.

Also, I think that you being worried about not being alone with the kids is a bit odd to be honest. I'm rarely alone with dps kids because he is their dad and I am not a free babysitter

Have you met any of his friends and family?

^^Read your words back OP.

"She has now asked that we don’t go so she can go instead as she wants to see her friends. I can’t help but wonder if she is using the situation to be manipulative, or if I am just being cold and unsympathetic towards someone in a sad, scary difficult position."

I think that's a horribly cynical reaction from you. She could die from this, don't be a dick.

I would nope out of this situation so fast. It sounds highly emotionally charged & whatever you do, you will be painted as the bald person here. I would pull back & let your boyfriend decide that it’s ok for him to have a gf even though his ex is unwell. He can take it up with her if he misses you & she is indeed using her illness to ensure he is unable to move on for an indeterminate period. If it’s meant to be, he will have a heart to heart with her about how things should be.

Love your life. Let your bf take the lead with the kids.

You have been together for 2 years I can’t see a problem with you spending time with his family with him.

Your BF can’t be expected to put his life on hold for the entire time of his ex’s treatment but he can show some sympathy and flexibility.

If your bf has to take on more responsibility with the girls during treatment and is also very busy himself. Wait for him to approach you to ask for help. Maybe when the ex is in the middle of treatment, not feeling well and is struggling with the girls she may be more receptive to help from you

I think it's desperately sad. She is thinking of death and having to leave her children and the person that will become important to them will be you. No mother wants to face that. Cut her some slack. This isn't about you this is about her facing her mortality and being terrified of letting her children go. Yes you are being cold and unsympathetic. Sorry but you are sounding like that.

Sorry but how sympathetic & emotional must one be over their partners’ exes? How many of us can say that the health of all your partner’s previous lovers is of importance to you?

I agree with PP about taking a step back etc. I also agree with prawnsword regarding your BF deciding it's ok for him to have a gf.

I don't think you should be made to avoid his family though, I think that's very unfair on you and your BF. And to be honest I don't feel she has the right the demand that.

Why can’t he proceed with divorce? They’ve been separated for three years, it’s not like it’s a shock or some emotionally charged event. It’s a bit of paper to formalise a separation that already happened years ago. If he’s not willing to proceed with divorce I’d dump him or you could be stuck in this limbo for years.

And definitely still attend the christening. She doesn’t get to dictate who goes where and prevent friends seeing each other just because she’s seriously ill. It would be unwise to set a precedent for pandering to her tantrums and excluding you from every aspect of your bf’s life, otherwise it will go on for years.

Very rough situation but it seems she had dictated everything before the diagnosis and it's not her christening to decide who goes, how will the family who's christening it is feel if you dont go? There is no reason why those children cant spend time with you, god forbid the worst happens or they need extra support then at least they will know you.

I really would back off over the dc. Taking care of them is his role as a parent, and it's his demanding job that needs to take a backseat, not you take up the role with the dc. Especially when their mother is sick. His priority should be looking after them.

With the rest of it, I think he should be standing up for your relationship a bit by taking you to family events etc and if he's not willing to, I'd start to think detaching is best. I'd probably let the christening pass because this cancer news is so new, but I'd expect to be going to future events, but it's your boyfriend's thing to solve.

I'm sorry she has cancer but if they have been separated for 3 years and you 2 together for 2 then she shouldn't of been dictating what he does with his life or with his kids in his contact time. You have been very patient and he has let her tell him what to do. There has been sufficient time for her to get over the break up and move on and the kids are old enough to stay in contact with their dad without too much of mums involvement. I would understand her not wanting you to meet them too soon after the break up and not wanting them to be alone with you until they had known you for a certain amount of time, that's to be expected from any break up but anything after that was and is none of her business. I'm saying this as someone who has 3 kids and broke up after 10 years with their dad. My kids are younger and there is no way I tell their dad what he can and can't do when he has the kids. We have them 50/50 and I wouldn't even let him have contact with them if I didn't trust he will put them first and I trust his judgement because he is their dad. In regards to his family she really needs to step back too, again he is responsible in making sure his kids get to spend time with his family. I wouldn't of been as patient as you have been. Sorry, just my opinion.

I would step right back OP and have a think about the future you would face with this man. He has allowed you to be held on the periphery of his life for two years, you will now be further isolated as his ex will need more support going forward, yet demands that you are not allowed near the children and be excluded from family events that you are invited to by those hosting the event. How can you possibly be fully included in his life in those circumstances?

You are in the rotten position of now not being able to put your case forward as it will be seen as attacking a sick woman who fears for her life and the effect it will have on her DC, yet this has gone on for two years prior to diagnosis. Knock the idea on the head of caring for the children to help your DP in his busy life, you are not being given care or consideration by him and so far he has taken the path of least resistance. This is a problem with him and how he is reluctant to stand by you fully.

Recent diagnosis, she'll still be in shock and dealing with a fuckload of unknowns and uncertainties. It's one of the worst times there is when dealing with difficult diagnoses.

It may improve as more is known about her exact diagnosis and treatment plan.

Divorcing without a financial settlement is unwise. Reaching a financial settlement when someone is in early stages of cancer discovery is going to be considerably more complex - as her needs and likely ability to support herself in future have suddenly become totally unpredictable, and even though prognosis as stage 2 is generally good, I do not think you can rely on that in divorce mediation.

If wiped out by chemo, she might not be in any position to be making serious and long-term decisions about her future and that of the DC.

Indeed, what is your DH doing to step up to take care of the DC. Who will have them if their DMum is just too wiped out?

I knew that he couldn’t proceed when she was about to start 6 months of chemo, followed by surgery and who knows what else

Why not?

You need to let her call the shots and position yourself as willing to pick up childcare slack to be supportive (given that you've said that you want this role with the children).

The children are at an age where they will be very protective of their mother and very aware of what a cancer diagnosis might mean. If you are anything but supportive of their mother they will never forgive you.

No matter what your own feelings and whether you're a nice person or a completely selfish one you'd do well to look at this through the 13 year old's eyes - their loyalty to their mother will be magnified and infinitum by her diagnosis - if you try to make anyone pick sides you will quickly be an ex yourself if your boyfriend cares about his children.

It's a shitty situation for everyone, but it's about the children and their mother a million times before it's about you once, and if you try to make anything about you atm you will be the bad guy to the children and mutual friends of the parents for ever and ever.

Why can’t he proceed with divorce? They’ve been separated for three years, it’s not like it’s a shock or some emotionally charged event. It’s a bit of paper to formalise a separation that already happened years ago. If he’s not willing to proceed with divorce I’d dump him or you could be stuck in this limbo for years.

I agree, I find it strange that he’s unwilling to carry on with the divorce plans and you’re so quick to accept and justify that with an ‘of course!’. It’s not like he’s debating whether or not to leave someone who’s recently been diagnosed. They’ve been separated for several years already, he’s in a new apparently serious relationship, wants to be able to progress things with you, I honestly fail to see how getting the divorce finalised needs to be delayed. And for how long? His wife could be poorly for years, and you risk ending up setting a precedent where her needs and wishes come first at all times and you’re expected to just suck it up. I’m not being harsh, I have lost family members to cancer myself, but life also continues and if she recovers (which I’m sure everyone is hoping for), it will then be ‘oh I can’t divorce her while she’s only been in remission a few months, let’s wait until it’s been a year’ etc. Not to mention how messy it will be if god forbid she doesn’t make it through the cancer and he’s still married to her and how that’ll impact the situation legally.

I echo PP also who say go to the christening, you’re not doing anything wrong in attending an event you’re invited to, you’ve not been an affair partner for goodness sake. Just make sure you are thinking of your own needs here as well as his and hers, I would be looking to him to assert you as his partner and stand up for the relationship while also being respectful and caring towards his wife, really you shouldn’t even have to be the one making the decisions around attending events it should be him making it clear you’re his partner, she’s his ex (while legally married obviously) and the mother of his children, and he’s not going to downgrade you in his life because of her diagnosis. If he isn’t doing that I’d be very wary and probably end it, your life is important too and you deserve not being second fiddle for possibly years, he can support her as his children’s mother while also having a new relationship there’s nothing wrong with that.

She’s a single mum of three who probably thinks she’s about to die, or at the very least go through some harrowing and life changing treatment. I would be utterly terrified of leaving my kids and it would turn me into tiger mother.

Hard as it is for you, and I really do sympathise, I would give her time, don’t rock the boat by insisting on attending events etc., and just let her do whatever she needs to. I think that’s the right thing to do. I imagine that within a relatively short space of time she’ll be grateful for you being there to help with the kids etc. And you having kept perspective as best you can will pay off.

At the same time I’d be having frequent, honest conversations with my DH and make sure he doesn’t sideline you.

Probably because chemo it utterly shit and even an amicable divorce is emotionally draining.
So it would be incredibly unkind of him to put his ex and therefore his kids through that kind of awful crap unnecessarily.

Also as a PP said she is probably thinking you will be raising her kids once she has gone - tell me a woman on the planet who would relish that idea.

I think the Christening is a bit much and she is chancing her arm a bit but really play the long game. In a similar situation if my partner was all me me me i’d end it and to your credit sound entirely lovely about it all.

It will all play out if you let it.