Desperate for advice- My partners ex has cancer

[Linfordlamb]

My partners ex has cancer

My boyfriend of two years was just about to start divorce proceedings when he found out his wife (separated three years ago) had just been diagnosed with stage two breast cancer. Very selfishly, it made me sad. I knew that he couldn’t proceed when she was about to start 6 months of chemo, followed by surgery and who knows what else, and I completely understand that decision, I think I would do the same in his position. They have three children together, 13,12 and 8. For a long time the ex refused to let me meet them and my boyfriend respected her wishes. I always thought it would be easier and better for the kids if they didn’t feel conflicted so wanted her to be ready too. She recently caved after all three of the girls kept asking about meeting me (about four weeks ago). It was great and I’m really enjoying getting to know them. We had always agreed that I should meet the ex, so it’s less awkward and she can get to know me on a practical level, as my BF has very demanding job, and in future I might become more responsible/ help with the kids. She had previously agreed to this but now doesn’t want to. I feel like it might help especially given all the impending treatment and complications... but now she won’t allow me to be left alone with any of them under any circumstances. And over the coming months I suspect we will have the children more frequently and that is going to be really difficult.

Rightly or wrongly, she wants me to be as distant as possible from her life and kids (and probably husband) This means I have had little to no opportunity to get to know my boyfriends only sister, family, andhis friends etc. Because she has a relationship with them too after being married to my boyfriend for ten years. I understand the pain and fear you feel from losing someone and feeling rejected by them, but I can’t help but feel sad and resentful of the situation. Especially now it is likely to get worse given that she will need extra support through her treatment. She also has more of reason than ever for calling the shots. She told my boyfriend her consultant said she needs to be entirely selfish and not be stressed at all, so he has to respect her wishes. My boyfriend and I were supposed to be attending a christening next weekend for a close friend of his, we had planned to go. She has now asked that we don’t go so she can go instead as she wants to see her friends. I can’t help but wonder if she is using the situation to be manipulative, or if I am just being cold and unsympathetic towards someone in a sad, scary difficult position.

I just feel frustrated, I am generally a kind, considerate person, and rarely get cross with some of the things she says or does when I know many others would. I just want what is best for the kids at what will be a difficult time for them too. And yes, I am finding it hard for myself too.

Any advice or view points from mothers out there welcome.

I think you are being incredibly respectful to your partner,his ex and their children.....and a very difficult situation for you all! have you ever seen the film stepmum....if not I suggest you do as it's very simular circumstances and might let you look at your situation with a fresh view! my advise for you is to give it a bit more time for them all to come to terms with this,pull back and be there to support your partner who I expect is going through an emotional rollercoaster! they have 10yrs of marriage and 3 daughters between them so he has alot on his plate and his kids and ex will take priority for now because of the situation.....I do think the ex is being unreasonable asking for you not to attend events,see children or make relations with your partners family though,I think it has to be said by your partner that you aren't just a fling but his partner who he sees a future with and it's important to him that you are involved no matter how big or small the involvement. Yes be respectful but at the same time you need to be respected....good luck I hope things turn out well for you all! 💐

First of all, I think you sound like you've been very respectful in the way you've behaved towards her, and your boyfriend has been too soft in letting her create the rules and divide for nearly two years. She does sound a rather controlling and selfish type. However, I think for the immediate future that needs to continue. I'd bite your tongues, bide your time and give her until mid January to come to terms with things and see what the state of play is then. So let her have the christening and be ready for the fact that she's going to want everything her way at Xmas too, and probably need it/get it too. But in January I think your BF needs to start being a bit firmer in that he's very sorry for what she's going through, but you are a part of his life and consequently will be at family and friend's events and will be around the children (and by the way she has NO right whatsoever to dictate who can look after the children when he has them). He needs to tell her that you will never replace their mum in any way, whatever happens she will always be their mum, but you will play a supporting role in the children's lives as his girlfriend. He needs to tell her he doesn't want to fight over this, but whatever the circumstances are she can't dictate how he lives his life.

(My opinion as a stepmum and someone who has just watched their best friend die of cancer)

They split 3 years ago, the divorce can go through, it's not like he's just left her when she is ill.
You have an invite to the Christening so you should go.
I don't think she is being manipulative, but your bf needs to consider you meeting his family and friends.
I think your bf needs to put you first and the mother of his children equally first. As an ex partner though she should not come before you.

What is your situation OP? What are your hopes for this relationship? Do you have kids? Do you want them?

Your post describes how you see yourself fitting neatly into his life in the future...but ( and it may be the way you've written it) not much evidence of him wanting to be moving at the same pace or putting your relationship first in the same way...even before consideration of his exw health situation and the potential effects of that on him xw and 3dcs. Take care.

I would cut her some slack for a short period of time, she must be terrified.

However, I don't really understand why she is calling all the shots about what can and can't happen with the children. They have been separated for 3 years, she does not get to tell your boyfriend what does and doesn't happen during his contact time. They are his children as much as hers.

He needs to be kind but firm. I would probably relinquish going to the Christening as she is probably feeling very vulnerable and frightened right now but there is part of me thinks this is the wrong way of dealing with it.

Was it your boyfriend's decision to split?

You don't say if the kids know or if they're going to be at the christening.
I can't think of much that would be more awkward than navigating a 'happy baby based' event with a friend scared of death after having a diagnosis and another friends new GF introduction to be happy about, it's not letting the baby be the star of the show.

Maybe you could meet his family another time based solely around meeting you rather than using a christening?

I think honeyroar is right, and the perspective of someone's who has had cancer (and knows just how truly, truly awful the first bit is) is a valuable addition to the thread.

It will make a difference, to both the child arrangements and the financial settlement in a divorce. It doesn't matter how long they have been separated, the needs and uncertainties that exist now will matter too.

Depending on which chemo, it could be just plain heartless to expect soomeone to be king poor decisions NHS, which impact significantly in the DC wellbeing.

How long for? Well a few months at least. Consideration now isn't signing you up for being doormats forever.

Has she got good RL support? What additional support might the DC need right now and in the coming months?

She'll be looking like shit and you will understandably have made the effort to look good, you're under no obligation to consider her feelings but if she does die it will be remembered that you did, it might help if the kids know (believe) there was nothing but sympathy from you to their mum.

It's very hard OP but it sounds like she was selfish before the cancer and as much as she hates the situation ( separation and cancer) the dc need to know they have support from others.

The dc needs and wants should be part of this, they will need more fun and days out while they watch their dm go through this and as had as it is for dm it's extremely important for them.

She can't dictate your life. She sounds like she was unreasonable before so I personally would offer sympathy but would say no to her having control over your comings and goings.

Also he absolutely can divorce her now.

Your boyfriend should have put his foot down a long time ago and integrated you more into his life with family. She may have been selfish but he could have insisted...so he has to take the blame for that.

Unfortunately the current situation is a nightmare for the poor woman and she will feel devastated about the thought of a new woman being involved with her kids so now is not the right time at all to think selfishly or push for anything there.