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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know how to cope. Sexual abuse. Triggering.

45 replies

LILLYSHILLINGS · 21/10/2019 19:15

I was in a sexually abusive relationship. My ex would pester me for sex when I said no. I would continually say no, but he would keep pressing and pressing until I would just lay there and cry whilst he had sex with me. I don't think he realised I was crying. He would put me down, and tell me I don't give him enough sex. I would eventually do it because it made him happy. He would have sex with me in rough positions and hurt me by being too rough. I would ask him to be gentler, but he would always end up going back to rough so it hurt my cervix and I even bled a handful of times. He ejaculated on my face without asking, and would call me cunt and slut whilst having sex with me.

This went on for just over a year, and I am absolutely terrified of ever having sex again.

Can anyone help me understand and get through this? I'm on a waiting list for some counselling which starts in November, but I could use some extra mumsnetty words of wisdom

OP posts:
Original poster
LILLYSHILLINGS · 21/10/2019 19:29

If I've posted this in the wrong place please let me know

OP posts:
mbosnz · 21/10/2019 19:29

Holy hell, I've got no words of wisdom, but you poor woman. You didn't deserve that, that was wicked, and criminal on his part, utterly callous and devoid of care for you, let alone love.

I am so glad you have rid yourself of this horrible excuse for a human being now. That took great strength. Be proud.

mbosnz · 21/10/2019 19:30

And I would not worry about a lack of desire to have sex again any time soon, right now. That's very low on the list of priorities. Have you seen a GP to check for damage?

Original poster
LILLYSHILLINGS · 21/10/2019 19:31

Even now I'm shocked by your reaction and convince myself it wasn't that bad.

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Original poster
LILLYSHILLINGS · 21/10/2019 19:31

I have thank you and I am on medication which is helping a bit

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MonsteraCheeseplant · 21/10/2019 19:32

you've been through a lot, i'm so sorry and i was so sad to read that. How did you get out of that relationship? Really well done, you must be a strong lady. Have you heard of the freedom programme? They run free workshops on recognising abusive traits in partners to try to choose better future partners.

MonsteraCheeseplant · 21/10/2019 19:33

agree with pp, sex is not your priority right now. You need to focus on you. x

Original poster
LILLYSHILLINGS · 21/10/2019 19:33

Thank you. I had a 3 month old at the time and something in me made me leave when I thought he was going to hurt our baby. I literally just ran away. Women's aid helped me. I start FP in January

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Original poster
LILLYSHILLINGS · 21/10/2019 19:35

I don't want to have sex with anyone but I can't even watch a sex scene on TV. I worry also that if I ever met anyone else I would scare them away by talking about it. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to deny myself of a loving relationship in the ,(very far away) future

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rvby · 21/10/2019 19:39

Gosh I have welled up reading your posts OP.

You have been SO BRAVE. So brave. Your baby is lucky to have you as mummy.

Your ex is rapist scum, lower than scum and I am so sorry he did such awful things to you. If you never want to have sex again, that would be ok and you would be fine. You don't even have to think about that right now, for now just focus on yourself and baby.

Life is long, healing will come and you won't always feel this way. In years to come you will look back and be stunned at your own bravery. The trauma you've suffered is too recent right now for you to see clearly how amazing you are.

I take my hat off to you and want you to know you should be proud of yourself. This guy tried to destroy you, and he has failed, you won out and escaped and your baby will live a much happier life thanks to you. That is something to celebrate. Sending you love and healing.

mbosnz · 21/10/2019 19:44

Seriously, don't be thinking about new relationships, or anything like sex.

Certainly not until you've had a truck load of counselling.

You focus on you and your gorgeous wee baby. Take worrying about relationships and sex off the table. Take that off your back and your brain.

Pollaidh · 21/10/2019 19:48

If you have problems watching a sex scene on television, and this abusive relationship ended over 3 months ago, then you might have PTSD. There are symptoms listed online, or you can speak to your GP. It wouldn't be a surprise after such a terrible experience. If PTSD is diagnosed there are certain therapies such as EMDR which can help.

This was definitely abuse and I'm so glad you can see that. No one deserves what happened to you, and you are incredibly brave to get yourself and your baby out of there.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 21/10/2019 19:49

I am so angry for you. His abuse of you sounds porn- fuelled. You know it was far from normal sex, right? It was abuse, pure and simple.

As pps have said, dont worry about future relationships. There are rape and sexual abuse survivors on MN who have gone on to have decent relationships.

That's for the future though. You need to concentrate on healing mentally and physically right now Flowers

Original poster
LILLYSHILLINGS · 21/10/2019 19:52

Definitely porn fuelled. He idolised Dan Bilzerian and said he had the life he wanted.

I left 8 months ago

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HairyDogsOfThigh · 21/10/2019 19:55

No advice, but just wanted you to know that you are a very, very strong woman to have escaped from such an abusive relationship. Well done, op. If you're strong enough to have escaped, then I'm sure that with counselling, you will work through your feelings and come out in a much better place for future relationships. Don't judge your future self on where you are today.

Original poster
LILLYSHILLINGS · 21/10/2019 19:57

I have to stand up in court soon about this. Because the domestic abuse bill hasn't passed yet he can cross examine me. I have no money but can't get legal aid. I'm terrified.

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GoldenBlue · 21/10/2019 20:03

Don't think of what he did to you as sex, it was abuse, rape and evil. He can't have not realised you were crying he either didn't care or even worse liked it.

When you are ready, meeting someone that is nice, kind and loving you can start imagining having sex with them. But it won't be like it was with him, because not all men are evil rapists.

I am so sorry about what you've been through 😢

Original poster
LILLYSHILLINGS · 21/10/2019 20:07

Looking back he only liked rough sex. He was obsessed with trying to make me 'squirt' I hated it. I was like a toy to him. He used to tell me how ugly I was. He hated my body after pregnancy. I have no confidence. I don't even have time to exercise or do nice things for me as I'm on my own with my son. I feel so shit.

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Original poster
LILLYSHILLINGS · 21/10/2019 20:08

There's so much more. I'm amazed I haven't fallen apart.

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PumpkinP · 21/10/2019 20:12

I don’t think you should be thinking about sex or meeting anyone. Seriously just work on yourself. It’s been 3 years since my abusive relationship ended and I’m still not ready to meet anyone else. Just look after yourself

Racmactac · 21/10/2019 20:15

Why can you not get legal aid?

Original poster
LILLYSHILLINGS · 21/10/2019 20:17

Even though I am still on maternity leave (just) we have a jointly owned home (that he still lives in). I only have 7-8k tied up in it, which doesn't even cover my debts. I'm in my overdraft and have a loan. The reason they gave was that I own a house.

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mbosnz · 21/10/2019 20:17

I am too (surprised you haven't fallen apart). That you had the strength to go and talk to the police, that they have pressed charges, that you are prepared to testify. . . do you realise how amazing and strong you are? Please do not judge yourself by the outcome. Judge yourself by your journey. You are incredible.

All you have to do is what you want to do, and what you need to do, to get through each day, for you and your son. All you have to do right now, is survive. And be so very proud of who and what you are.

Original poster
LILLYSHILLINGS · 21/10/2019 20:20

Oh I'm not testifying. I'm not that brave. He's taking ME to court for access to our son 🤮

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Original poster
LILLYSHILLINGS · 21/10/2019 20:23

I've been told I need a barrister and it will cost me in the region of 7k 😥 I don't have that. I'm in minus. Do scared of going it alone

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