I don't know how to cope. Sexual abuse. Triggering.

[LILLYSHILLINGS]

I was in a sexually abusive relationship. My ex would pester me for sex when I said no. I would continually say no, but he would keep pressing and pressing until I would just lay there and cry whilst he had sex with me. I don't think he realised I was crying. He would put me down, and tell me I don't give him enough sex. I would eventually do it because it made him happy. He would have sex with me in rough positions and hurt me by being too rough. I would ask him to be gentler, but he would always end up going back to rough so it hurt my cervix and I even bled a handful of times. He ejaculated on my face without asking, and would call me cunt and slut whilst having sex with me.

This went on for just over a year, and I am absolutely terrified of ever having sex again.

Can anyone help me understand and get through this? I'm on a waiting list for some counselling which starts in November, but I could use some extra mumsnetty words of wisdom

So

You deserve so much better OP.

Are there any women's groups near you? Even a social thing via meet up or something. A women only environment may offer you a supportive space as you recover.

I have no idea. Where would I even begin to look?

Him treating you like shit shows what an awful person he is. It doesn't make you worthless.

Him putting you down shows what a bastard he is. It is not a reflection of you or your value.

Like others said, focus on yourself for a while and don't think about having sex or a relationship now.

And maybe try to call what he did something different. This wasn't sex. Sex is loving and caring and empowering. This was abuse, sexual abuse and rape. So instead of "rough sex" perhaps "he hurt me when he raped me" (because it's possible to rape someone and not give them pain). What he did physically to you is the same as if he'd beaten you up but the words/phrasing around it were "roughly stroked my face". This isn't a criticism of you btw, it's a problem with how we all talk about these things.

I used the word rape in a forum recently and someone got really upset because she has been pinned down and I had a choice to leave. I don't even know what to call it, or what it was.

You will heal, it may take months, it may take years, it will take as long as it takes, for you to need, to heal.
I've been in your situation, it will get better, you will have a fabulous life, again.
Be very kind and gentle to yourself, do the Freedom Programme, do any councelling on offer, I recommend anything offered by your local Rape and Sexual harm group or from Womans Aid.
Hug hugs and a handhold and well done for getting out

It's was rape. As soon as you say no and he continues it's rape.

Oh OP. Just because someone else was physically pinned down doesn't mean it wasn't rape. He penetrated you when you didn't want him to. He was rough and made you bleed when you didn't want him to. That's fucking horrible.

You sound very tired and like you don't have much RL support. How are you getting on day to day? How is your son?

I think it might be worth talking with Women's Aid again, and also Rape Crisis, to see what other options you have. The financial side is very intimidating so make sure you are claiming everything you can.

💐 for you. You've done the right thing by your son, well done

And yes of course it was rape. And if you have police involvement you may be able to get legal aid because of domestic violence

Op I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I also think you should go back to the doctors.
Also please it was rape! Rape can happened in so many different situations, it's still rape.

I really hope you have support in rl

Give Rights of Women a call OP, they offer free legal advice rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

I thought you could get legal aid when there is domestic abuse?

You could speak to Rape Crisis as well. I'm sorry you went through that.

It's still means tested, so even though I'm on unpaid maternity leave and only worn part time with nursery fees and rent etc to contend with, massive overdraft, loan, car finance etc, the fact that I have 7k of money in a house that I cannot sell or have access to disqualifies me. It's messed up. So now I have to go in front of my ex partner who abused me in do many ways and allow him to cross examine me, whilst I am unrepresented. He also knows that if he drags out the sale of the house, that I won't be able to get legal aid, so his abuse is allowed to continue. It's SO messed up.

I am so sorry to hear how you were raped and abused, but you are fantastic for being so strong.
Well done for getting out and giving yourself and baby a better life.
As for going to court, see if there is a PSU (Personal support Unit) at the Court. They can help you with legal stuff for free and some will have somebody to go in and support you. Womens aid had a free solicitor attached to the unit.
You can also see solicitors at CAB .
You might also be able to qualify for pro bono barristers.

I tried to get Legal Aid after an abusive marriage, but I didn't get it either.....Like you say it is messed up.

I am glad you are doing the Freedom Programme.

Well done for getting out.

If you get a chance , but the book by Lundy Bancroft -Why does he do that?
It tells you all about the different types of abusers and who to swerve in the future.

Stay strong and heal yourself.

Link to a pdf version of the Lundy Bancroft book lexie mentioned, well worth a read www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

It was definitely rape.

He didn't need to pin you down because he'd emotionally/mentally beaten you up to the point you couldn't move anyway.

Saying you could have left is victim blaming and the best thing to do with that is ignore it. Part of the impact of what he did is that it causes self doubt. Remember this thread when you feel that, because we all think you're a pretty incredible woman for getting through this. And we are calling it rape.

Thank you. Definitely going to read the book. I'm so drained by it all.

Stay strong Op

I'm so sorry to hear about the terrible abuse and trauma the you have suffered💐
It's good that you've been able to access help for yourself, none of this is your fault you have been the victim of a sadistic predator.
You must protect yourself so that you can heal and recover.

This sounds like the last few years of my life. It's shite.