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Original poster

Renewed interest?

27 replies

mathsmad1 · 21/10/2019 12:29

I have posted before asking for your views on a friendship that crossed boundaries. O got great advice and acted upon it.We detached as I was married and he was in a relationship and while things were awkward, for a couple of months, we are now back to being great friends again.
I am now single and my friend has been kind and supportive. Husband has an OW lined up.
Recently, my friend has suggested pursuing activities that we both wanted to do together when I was married. I thought that spending weekends doing hobbies, travel, attending concerts together was not appropriate back then considering I was married, plus my husband would not allow that level of contact.
I think it's a lovely idea but am conscious of his relationship.
Perhaps he is sympathetic.
He has said repeatedly that he looks forward to spending more time together doing these activities.and is back texting at irregular hours after drinks etc.Is this acceptable to his girlfriend? Would it be acceptable to you?They are together a year. I fear that we could fall into that dynamic again and I don't want that. Thanks.

OP posts:
IsItChristmas · 21/10/2019 12:40

I think he's being suggestive so if you'd like this to develop into a romantic relationship then go for it. Obviously his current girlfriend will mind, big time, when she finds out.

If you are not interested in a romantic relationship but the activities are super cool (I don't know - sailing for example?) and you can't do them easily without his support then I'd go for it regardless, but just expect it to be hard work,.. managing his expectations will not be easy.

If you don't know whether you want a romantic relationship or not, you need to decide. This can be hard to do but it must be done. Knowing what you want is very important!

Original poster
mathsmad1 · 21/10/2019 12:49

Thanks. I am very far away from wanting a romantic relationship with anyone. I cannot our rule the future but would enjoy having him as a friend to travel and enjoy some free time with.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2019 12:51

Be honest with yourself. Is this really a friendship or something more?

I think you know the answer is more. So ask him if he's willing to end things with the gf to be with you.

If not, find some real friends to do things with. Or join a MeetUp group that does the activity.

Original poster
mathsmad1 · 21/10/2019 12:54

I don't want a romantic relationship. I need time after this separation to help my children and support them. A relationship is not on the horizon at all. I would Like the friendship but I don't want the hassle when he has a girlfriend. Unless she is a cool type who doesn't care.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2019 12:57

Well, there you have your answer. Back off from him and find friends that you know there isn't this underlying thing with, and that won't end up getting into the middle of their relationship. Why doesn't he take his gf to concerts, travelling, do hobbies with her? This will just get messy, and you're old enough to know it.

Original poster
mathsmad1 · 21/10/2019 13:20

I'm not a trouble maker.Its that all
My family and friends are in relationships with young children so their freedom
To pursue their interests are limited.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2019 13:27

Look, you can pursue a "friendship" with this guy, but don't act surprised when he makes a move on you when you're away together or his gf blows a gasket.

There are MeetUp groups you can join to do things, you can work on widening your social circle in other ways. Given notice, friends and family will do things with you. You just want this guy cos it gives you a bit of a buzz.

Original poster
mathsmad1 · 21/10/2019 13:35

Is it fair to say that his girlfriend wouldn't be happy then?

OP posts:
Uponreflection · 21/10/2019 13:58

Why don’t you ask him what his girlfriend thinks? I would have thought she would mind a lot if she knew the background.

Have you ever met her?

Thingsdogetbetter · 21/10/2019 13:59

He's keeping you and your 'friendship' a secret from his gf I presume? If so, yes she will fucking mind! This friendship has already crossed boundaries, it is highly likely to again. So yes, she will be unhappy.

If it was inappropriate when you were coupled up, why is it not inappropriate when it's him that's coupled up?

If it's just a friendship you want, then meet her, include her in these hobbies. Why can't you be friends with her too?

If the previous threads were about the work colleague who kept cross boundaries despite you setting them numerous times, then you're lying to yourself again and are still totally obsessing about a guy who picks you up and dumps you whenever he feels like it. You really don't give a shit how his gf feels, you just want him to want you.

If you're not that obsessed OP, you are setting yourself up for a world of drama and pain. If you are, same thing! But bigger!

Original poster
mathsmad1 · 21/10/2019 13:59

I don't know why they don't do stuff together like that. Maybe she isn't interested in those hobbies, but they don't seem to drop much together.

OP posts:
RLEOM · 21/10/2019 14:00

He has a gf. Nothing good will come of it and the only 2 people getting hurt will be you and his gf. Talk about wanting to have his cake and eat it!

ChuckleBuckles · 21/10/2019 14:02

Is it fair to say that his girlfriend wouldn't be happy then?

Ask her OP, he is your long time friend after all, and you would have met his girlfriend of one year being such good friends and all?

Or alternatively you could stop acting naive and stay far away from the mess that is about to explode all around you.

Original poster
mathsmad1 · 21/10/2019 14:06

Ok.Thanks.I haven't met her.He does keep her separate from his day to day life, in fact until recently, I didn't know they were as serious as they seem to be now.
I am not the poster that you allude to.Once it was established that lines were blurred,We detached with no drama.
We are just friends with that got on too well to be healthy or respectful at that time.
Thanks for your opinions. Sorry I haven't tagged individually.

OP posts:
SureTry · 21/10/2019 16:12

I'm not sure why you're asking if his gf would be ok with your friendship or pursuing hobbies with her bf? It's pretty simple, just turn it around. Would you be happy with your bf spending time with someone who he had a romantic interest in at some point?

Original poster
mathsmad1 · 21/10/2019 16:53

But there is no romantic interest there now.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2019 16:58

I think you're deluding yourself. You may not be ready for a relationship, but why exactly do you think he's kept quiet about his relationship being serious? Basically he sees you as prime candidate for messing around on his GF with. If it was unhealthy and not respectful while you were married, it's still unhealthy and disrespectful while he's got a girlfriend.

Original poster
mathsmad1 · 21/10/2019 17:05

I had hoped that with this feelings gone and with the friendship back to normal hat we could enjoy activities together without trouble, especially now that their relationship I serious and has developed.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2019 17:11

Seriously? Do you know much about human beings?

SureTry · 21/10/2019 17:50

You haven't answered the question, would you like it if you were the GF in this situation? Also can I just ask what ended your marriage? You said in your OP that your H had an OW. Was this going on when you were having this friendship or did he leave and meet someone else?

Original poster
mathsmad1 · 21/10/2019 17:56

If I was his girlfriend and I believed that he was doing an innocent activity I would
Not mind because to me it's innocent.However, I'm not sure if it's innocent on his part.
I have been in a loveless, lonely
Marriage for years to a workaholic.
He was however also in a relationship with his secretary for these recent months until one day he decided he want happy for years and said he didn't love me anymore.
There was no crossover.

OP posts:
Original poster
mathsmad1 · 21/10/2019 17:58

I read on here all the time about
male and female friends doing stuff together platonically and that is what we are now.

OP posts:
pog100 · 21/10/2019 18:06

Yes they do but not in secret from other partners. I think the only way this could possibly work is that you spend some time with him and his gf together until both she and you can see how the dynamic is.
At the moment it has disaster written all over it.

category12 · 21/10/2019 18:09

However, I'm not sure if it's innocent on his part.

Then it's not 2 people doing things together platonically, it it? Come off it OP.

user1481840227 · 21/10/2019 18:11

I would say it's a recipe for disaster.
The friendship has already crossed boundaries before, whether you want it to remain as truly platonic or not, if you're spending time together and planning and doing fun things the bond may grow a lot stronger and feelings can develop. You could end up craving more and very hurt. It's not what you need right now after ending your marriage.

That's leaving aside his girlfriends feelings in all of this, and I very much doubt she would be ok with it!

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