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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Homeless and pregnant

64 replies

flowerfairyinthebin · 21/10/2019 10:57

Made a massive mistake and have ended up homeless and pregnant and I have lost absolutely everything. My partner says I can stay as long as I want but he still shows me love and affection and sleeps with me. He does not want the baby.

I'm so angry today. I literally have nothing and nobody.

OP posts:
glitterfarts · 21/10/2019 23:32

Go to woman's aid, to get away from him.
Perhaps look into a shelter, doing the freedom course.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Original poster
flowerfairyinthebin · 22/10/2019 11:13

I agreed to have a termination and made an appointment at the clinic but I'm not sure I can do it. He is so persuasive. When I say I will get rid of the baby he is lovely to me and says I can stay but when I discuss wanting to keep the baby he turns. I am swinging between wanting the baby and knowing I can't with him. Time is running out.

OP posts:
SouthernComforts · 22/10/2019 11:17

How many weeks are you and how fast do you think you can get a job? Unless you are sure you can secure a job and a home for you both before the baby is born I would have a termination. Homeless and jobless is one of the worst situations you could bring a child into, and I couldn't personally do that.

Mintjulia · 22/10/2019 11:18

He is not lovely. He’s pressuring you into a termination and using you for free sexual services before telling you to leave again.

He is anything but lovely.

Original poster
flowerfairyinthebin · 22/10/2019 12:37

I can get a job that's fine, I can stay with friends. I am just angry he is trying to coerce me. I feel so weak.

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 22/10/2019 12:44

Oh, OP, He’s being lovely because you haven’t yet had the termination. The only thing motivating him is the child maintenance he will save by NOT having a child.
I guarantee he will drive you to the clinic, but within a day or two he will insist you leave.

Whatever happens, the relationship is over. The decision whether to terminate is yours, Flowers

But leave anyway, today if possible.

timshelthechoice · 22/10/2019 12:52

I can get a job that's fine, I can stay with friends. I am just angry he is trying to coerce me. I feel so weak.

Then you NEED to do this. You left one abusive relationship for another. This man is NOT lovely and this is not love. He's emotionally abusive, he will NOT change. You must leave him now, today, or he will coerce you into terminating.

Jojowash · 22/10/2019 13:07

Leave him! Don't terminate a pregnancy because he wants that.

It sounds like he's keeping you seeet and being nice until you terminate and then you'll be gone and he has no mor connection to you. Like he does when he sleeps with you, all lovely to get what he wants and then in morning asks when you are leaving. Stuff that for a head fuck.

I know you want him but he does not want you. It's very clear.

Get to council office, even if you end up in bed sit. It's the stepping stone to being an independent woman, eventually you'll get a house or flat and then you keep that always! You meet someone, they move in with you. You are in charge, never let yourself rely on anyone like that again no matter how nice they come across. Keep your home, you place of safety.

Get out now. Leave that fucker and don't update him on anything, it looks needy, he doesn't care. Go, go now.

Omar1986 · 22/10/2019 23:17

Check out a crisis loan from your local job centre they will also advise you of the best course of action as well. I really hope things will work out for you!!

PixieDustt · 22/10/2019 23:34

He's abusive and manipulative. Go to your friends to have some head space if you can.

Of course he is nice to you when he wants sex. He is using you for his own filthy pleasure.
OP, he doesn't want to be with you. Him saying if you get rid of the baby he will stay is BS. He just wants to make sure that you terminate the baby so he has no commitments.
He is a vile piece of 💩.
Your local council should be able to help but more importantly get well away from him and don't believe his BS

lottelupin · 22/10/2019 23:46

Erm ... you do realise that if you terminate the child, he will 99% still chuck you out?

He’s using all his wiles. Doesn’t want a child.

But this is your choice. F him.

category12 · 22/10/2019 23:54

I would honestly consider termination, absolutely not to stay with him, but because if you have the baby, the chances are high that you will be stuck with this asshole in your life forever. And that really wouldn't be a good thing. He wouldn't do a 180 and become a lovely father and partner - but he might decide he has "rights" over the child and make your life an absolute misery.

CoachBombay · 23/10/2019 00:05

I mean if you want the baby, keep the baby. You could move out, present to the council as priority need homeless you don't have a job so will be eligible for full housing benefit/UC housing payment. If you open up a single UC claim you'll get council tax reduction, housing support and a single persons allowance. Once baby is born you will then get child benefit and child tax credits whilst still having your housing costs covered.

I know it's really bad to say this, but actually it's not in your best interests to get a job right now.

You could then just have baby, not put dad on birth certificate and never deal with him. It's his choice to possibly get involved in the future but given his behaviour of recent he's probably unlikely too.

Right now you are a single female, unemployed and pregnant. You are priority need homeless. Present to the council.

Original poster
flowerfairyinthebin · 23/10/2019 07:51

Thank you for your advice. I explained the situation to a pregnancy advisor at BPAS and she convinced me it wasn't the right time and I should terminate Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
flowerfairyinthebin · 23/10/2019 08:51

Oh and he didn't even drive me to the clinic, I had to get a taxi and a train and a 30 minute walk Angry

OP posts:
Lightsabre · 23/10/2019 09:31

Sadly, a lot of Councils won't class this scenario as a housing priority. Once the baby arrives they are likely to put you in temporary accommodation which could be a hostel, b an b etc. Can you handle that?

Please work on your self esteem so you can forge a life for yourself without abusive partners.

Jojowash · 23/10/2019 10:25

@flowerfairyinthebin

What a jerk he was..

Jojowash · 23/10/2019 10:26

@flowerfairyinthebin

Hope you never see him again. What a complete arse

CoachBombay · 23/10/2019 11:06

@lightsabre I'm a homeless case officer it's government guidance expectant mothers are and should be priority homeless.

Chapter 8
Subsection 8.3 a.

Not that I'm having a go or anything it's just if anyone were to Google and read this thread I want them to know that pregnant women are priority need homeless.

timshelthechoice · 23/10/2019 15:03

Once baby is born you will then get child benefit and child tax credits whilst still having your housing costs covered.

There are no more tax credits for new claimants. She will get UC. The level of housing benefit is capped as well, it's Local Housing Allowance, and if you are privately letting it is likely the full rent won't be covered.

No matter what you decide, OP, you need to get away from this man and not date anymore at all until you have had counselling for being in abusive relationships and the Freedom Programme.

vraimentvraiment · 23/10/2019 17:41

get him to write a letter saying you have 4 weeks to leave then bring to council if your name is not on anything and they will help you.

lottelupin · 23/10/2019 18:51

*And BPAS advisor convinced (you) it wasn't the right time and (you) should terminate
*
Omg. They are totally out of line.

How a business that benefits from you terminating can be allowed to provide the counselling fails me. It should at least be an independent counselling entity. They are totally pro abortion.

It's up to you, but don't think if abortion as a simple or easy option. It's a nightmare for some of us.

And however bad it is with him, you'll always have your child.

If you have an abortion, you'll most likely end up resenting/not wanting him anyhow.

Sorry but it's just my experience. Xxx

lottelupin · 23/10/2019 18:58

Once the baby is born you will be priority for housing if you need it, and whatever he does, he'll have to contribute to the upkeep of his child.

He will make you feel so horrible after abortion. If he won't even drive you to the clinic.

I would f him and have your baby. You will be supported. And have a lovely person n your child, forever.

lottelupin · 23/10/2019 18:59

Anyhow he's threatening all that because wants to control what you do. How awful, to threaten your home security at a moment like this.

Kinkybutkind · 23/10/2019 19:03

I have no advice that hasn’t already been given. Whatever you decide, this isn’t the man or the relationship for you. How long have you been together? Flowers

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