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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Desperately seeking relationship advice...

73 replies

Bush321 · 20/10/2019 18:55

Right got a feeling this is going to be a long one so sit tight... and congratulations if u make it till the end!

I met my partner in early 2017, I was 30 he was 50. We enjoyed spending time together, it was all very casual but it worked for both of us.

By October 2017 he told me he couldn’t find work in our town but had secured work in another country so off he went. We stayed in touch as friends, with the odd flirty message being exchanged. Then I started visiting him, we started talking daily, not a month would pass without me getting on a flight.

He flew home to visit me, stayed in my house and we started to feel like we were entering into a proper relationship. When either of us left there were tears and promises to see each other soon.

By this point I had really fallen for this man, I told him this and was always met with it will never work while we live so far apart. Every time I broached him with it he shot me down. So I decided not to waste any more time and try live my life for me and be happy here.

I cut contact, met someone else in July 2018 and was getting on just fine. He started messaging me again, telling me he missed me and the other man wasn’t for me. I should get back to seeing him, he promised me marriage and that he would come home to be with me.

So the inevitable happened and I told the other guy it wasn’t working out. I got back into the habit of flying every three weeks to see my partner, with promised he would be home at Xmas 2018, then it was March, June, September and still he isn’t home.

He is now still in the other country, with no job and no where to live (he is kipping on a mates couch) we r nearly in November 2019 and he hasn’t kept to his end of the bargain.

I kno he has feelings for me although he never expressed them very well, he never says he loves me, never compliments me. And tbh I’m starting to feel like I’m wasting my time.

I brought up the subject with him earlier this week that my time waiting for him had come to an end, he was always aware it wasn’t infinite. He promised me again he would come back to move in to my home and start living our lives together.

I came off the phone more positive and thinking this was finally it. I had said I would be willing to pay for his flight home he just had to pick a date (I Thot as he wasn’t working it would be pretty soon)

On speaking with him this morning he’s now informed me he’s looking for “a few more weeks work” where he is...

I have mentally, physically, and financially carried him for the past almost 3 years... should I cut my losses now? Or hold on just another short time to see if he actually comes back to me?

God I sound so pathetic, and I’m actually not. I’m hard working, I have a job, I’m currently studying for my criminology and law degree as well as raising my teenage daughter on my own. I have a good life, I just wish I knew one way or the other if I need to move on or don’t give up hope. Please help

OP posts:
gnostick22a · 20/10/2019 18:59

I would leave

Chattycatty · 20/10/2019 19:10

Tell him you won't wait any longer but say to him if he returns to this country to message you but really mean it and don't wait for him

Original poster
Bush321 · 20/10/2019 19:15

@Chattycatty thank u... I just feel like I’m not really living, since I met him I have given up mostly everything to fund visiting him, and helping him with money.

I’m just stuck in limbo waiting for something that may never come x

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/10/2019 13:18

Oh lovely lady..I am sorry.He is keeping you dangling and keeping his options open ...atleast thats how it read to me. People say and they are right that if someone shows you who they are you should believe them.He is not committed to you in any way what so ever. You said he never told you he loved you thats probably because he doesn;t. He seems a weasel to me using you as a fall back because he thinks you will always be there...Please don;t always be there cut your losses and find someone who truly loves you...Someone who will love you respect you and want to build a life with you...Love shouldnt be so hard and if he really did want you nothing on earth would keep you both apart ..you would have found a way to make it work if it was going to....You so deserve better than the crumbs of his table...I am sorry ...

ConfCall · 21/10/2019 13:27

You don’t want to be his back-up, surely. End it, and block him.

Mummadeeze · 21/10/2019 13:33

I hate to say this but are you certain he doesn’t have another partner in the country he is in? Otherwise what is keeping him there? You sound too generous too. You definitely need to stop bank rolling him. I would try to move on and find someone more interested in giving than receiving or at least an equal balance. He has had enough chances to be there for you from the sounds of it.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2019 13:37

He's a 50-something, unemployed, broke loser who has to crash on friend's couches. Give your head a serious wobble. All he's done is strung you along so you'll support him. Dump this twat.

lolaflores · 21/10/2019 13:38

The biggest crime a person can commit is to waste someone elses time. He has frittered away those years based on what he wants.
You are young. He isnt and u wont be forever.
He seems a bit unsettled at 50 really. Sleeping on couches picking up bits of work. The future doesn't look settled or definite.
Decide for yourself you. I dont think factoring him in achieves anythjng

Pinkbonbon · 21/10/2019 13:44

You want this using bum to move in with you? ...are you having a stroke?

Seriously, he is taking you for a mug. Cut and block all contact with him and move on with your life. 2 years from now you'll look back on this and be fecking thankful he's not crashing on your couch and using all your money whilst still never telling you how he feels about you (not because he isn't vocal or some shit - because he only cares about himself!).

Original poster
Bush321 · 21/10/2019 13:49

@Mummadeeze he defo doesn’t have an other partner... he’s not got it in him. I’m his first “relationship” in around 20 years as he’s always not been interested. He’s never been able to hold down a home or job or relationship he’s always just on the move... like a constant drifter... never settles anywhere

OP posts:
Original poster
Bush321 · 21/10/2019 13:50

@lolaflores I’ve tried to tell him this I am young and I can’t waste the best part of my thirty’s on him... he’s older I’m offering him a stable home, a good life something he’s never had but he’s still dragging his heels

OP posts:
Original poster
Bush321 · 21/10/2019 13:51

@Aquamarine1029 I had never looked at it in this context it sounds so bad wen u word it like that 😂🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
Bush321 · 21/10/2019 13:53

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe I’ve heard the terminology I’m accepting “crumbs off his table” so many times. Thanks for ur advice

OP posts:
AllyBamma · 21/10/2019 13:53

You have wasted enough of your precious life on this man. If he wanted a life with you, he would be back with you, in your country fulfilling all his promises. It sounds like there’s nothing keeping him away like a job or anything so what’s he waiting for?

Cut loose and move on

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 21/10/2019 13:53

OP your offering him a good home,life and stability...perfect.
What is he offering you? precisely nothing it seems...
You are worth far more.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2019 13:55

I'm kind of horrified that you would bring this feckless man into the home you share with your daughter. Have you not thought of the example you're setting for her?

Sparkey47 · 21/10/2019 13:58

How typical of him to spring up out the blue when you tried to move on, honestly he sounds like a bit of a bum. Ditch him, go live your life and have fun!

Original poster
Bush321 · 21/10/2019 13:58

@AllyBamma my life is precious... I’m so conscious of time my mum and dad both died of natural causes at 45 and I’m constantly worrying the same could happen to me. I always make jokes of it, but realistically if it was to happen is this how I would want to spend my last 13 years??

OP posts:
Original poster
Bush321 · 21/10/2019 14:00

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe this is going to sound so childish but I’m literally at my wits end... I made a pros and cons list last nite (god that’s so embarrassing) and the odds didn’t stack up well... I struggled to find many reasons to stay in this relationship, or reasons why I actually love him

OP posts:
Original poster
Bush321 · 21/10/2019 14:01

@Aquamarine1029 my daughter has many positive people leading wonderful lives around her, he wouldn’t be taking the role as a father figure he has a dad. Is that naive of me to think this?

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 21/10/2019 14:05

You've done everything in this relationship, and all he's done is say some words - and not even the 'I love you' ones.

Please end it.

At the very best you will end up with a cocklodger. At worst you will waste the rest of your life throwing good money after bad, and expending your emotional energy on a manipulative feckless waster.

Just imagine what you life might be if you had blocked him when he sent that message about you and the other guy? Don't give him any more chances. There are NO reasons to stay in this relationship, and plenty of reasons to seek counselling if you do - to find out why you are willing to accept these atoms of whatever. They aren't even crumbs, they aren't that big!

Original poster
Bush321 · 21/10/2019 14:11

I really think I may need some form of counselling regardless...
I’m such a “fixer” I want to look after people, do everything for them and can’t seem to ever walk away

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 21/10/2019 14:12

Advice.
Cut contact.
Block.
Keep busy.
Don't waste a second more of your time, or a penny of your money, on this one.

Original poster
Bush321 · 21/10/2019 14:21

The thing is my life has changed dramatically since he came into it, I’m so busy with my degree and holding down work. I barely get a minute to myself, but wen I do I was spending it flying to see him.
We had a very frank discussion about how I wouldn’t be back, my last visit would be my last time there.
He seemed to be making moves to come home, his work was drying up, he had ended the lease on his room. I even took everything I had there home with me as he was ment to be following on within a week or two. Now he’s lying on his mates couch not working, pretty much getting stoned everyday

OP posts:
over50andfab · 21/10/2019 14:22

OP no one can tell you what to do, only you can decide that, but from reading the replies on here what does your gut tell you? Regardless of your feelings for him and effort you have put in, how much has he reciprocated? Look at the times when he suddenly seems to want more - ie when you are in another relationship.

There’s nothing childish in doing a pros and cons list - sometimes it can help shed a light. Perhaps revisit it again now that you’ve started this thread?