Sex life suffering due to my health, am I being selfish?

[Whatsgood11]

I won't go into specifics as v outing but basically im in poor health, recovering from a NDE and catching every cold and bug going due to a compromised immune system. It has been 6 months of complete hell for me, with a decline in mental health to boot. I have two young children under 2 years.

My sex drive is hugely reduced for these reasons whereas DP's isn't. If he makes advances and I don't feel up to it he then sulks and when I get up the following morning the atmosphere is frosty, like a mild form of silent treatment and it feels so awkward.

I understand he has desires, testosterone etc. but I don't think any of that trumps my actual health. If I'm sick/rundown/unwell then that's a perfectly justifiable reason to not want sex, isn't it? He has hands.

Am I being selfish?

Even if you weren't so ill, two children under two is guaranteed to reduce anyone's sex drive!

Does he look after the children much to enable you to rest? Does he share the load at home?

You’re not being unreasonable or selfish, you’re going through a lot and have 2 very young children! I’m not sure what the answer is but I’d try and talk to him about it on an evening when the kids are in bed and just explain how it feels from your side?

He does do alot at home yes I can't fault him in that area.

We had a big row about this a couple of weeks ago where he said he was feeling insecure and unwanted. I explained very openly and thoroughly why sex isn't a priority for me at the moment and told him he was being selfish. Cue more sulking.

Just to appease the situation I had a few glasses of wine a few days later and initiated sex, but I didn't want it. I did it only because the atmosphere around the sex subject was becoming unbearable.

Not even a week later he's sulking again.

We've both been up for hours and he hasn't directly said two words to me, he's chatted to the kids but that's it. He's sat on the other end of the sofa now watching YouTube in silence.

Meanwhile I'm sat here, feeling unwell, and judged.

I haven't had one week of adequate health in 6 months and all he's bothered about are his balls. Some men.

He’s not entitled to access to your body. His behaviour is coercive, it’s also abusive to punish your partner with sulks and strops when they won’t give in to sexual demands.
What a turn off to have someone sulking and stropping because you won’t shag them.

Yes! It's a huge turn off and makes me even less inclined to want it.

His last ditch attempt to get access last night was groping my chest and looking down my top playfully saying "nice view!"

Very alluring that isn't it.

If you're sat feeling miserable with swollen glands and a throat like sandpaper, a pounding head feeling exhausted and fatigued, the last thing you want is to be sexualized.

I'm beginning to think he reckons I'm a hypochondriac who thinks the fact I almost dropped dead 6 months ago, and my subsequent health problems, are over exaggerated despite him being present during all.

He cant seem to grasp the concept of what the doctors told us, that it will be a long road to recovery.

Sounds like he doesn’t give two fucks about you as a person and sees you as something to regularly service his dick.
Now you’re unable to do that the tantrums have started.

If he makes advances and I don't feel up to it he then sulks and when I get up the following morning the atmosphere is frosty, like a mild form of silent treatment and it feels so awkward

This is not normal or healthy and actually I’d go as far as to say that it’s abusive.

I went through a several year period of poor health which impacted my ability to have sex, think recurrent cystitis kind of area and my DH was a dream! Supportive, understanding and wonderful! Don’t settle for this bullshit!

His last ditch attempt to get access last night was groping my chest and looking down my top playfully saying "nice view!”

My vagina would dust up like the Sahara at that bullshit! He has no clue does he??

@Whatsgood11

May I please suggest that you and DH seek some specific counselling for this? Relate is good and they do have experts.

The possibility is obvious I suppose that a way forward can be found before - for example - DH finds alternative.

Coerced sex is rape.

His behaviour is repulsive.

Him feeling shit about the situation, and him choosing to treat you like shit are two separate things.

The possibility is obvious I suppose that a way forward can be found before - for example - DH finds alternative.

Unless you mean the alternative of him refraining from abusing his wife and coercing her into sex then I suggest you fuck off with your toxic and coercive comments.

What about before the OP does and finds someone loving, kind that fancies her rotten and, doesn't treat her like a breathing sex toy??
In fact if a 'd' p like that found someone else I'd want to say not to let the door hit his arse on the way out.
OP would a word with your HV help? If they could come round when dp's there and hammer home the drs' message about how long recovery will take.

He sounds really horrible.

OP, I am in a similar situation except my health has been horrendous for the past three years, and I know that we haven’t had actual sex for at least a year now. In the past six months I have been through cardiac arrest, heart surgery, and next week I have an appointment at the transplant centre.

And yet my DP, although understanding, does feel rejected at the lack of intimacy in our relationship.

I don’t know what the answer is because I have literally no libido any more anyway so I can’t actually see things changing and have actually considered ending the relationship so he can be free to go elsewhere.

Haven't seen the health visitor since DC2 was about a month old unfortunately, it's so busy where we live and services are over stretched.

To be honest if he does find an alternative then he can do one. I can just about tolerate his selfishness whilst he's here and helping me as much as he does, but if he decides to betray me during such a difficult time for something as trivial as sex then good riddance.

I hope he never falls into a period of bad health himself. I suspect if he ever does then his balls would be the last of his worries.

I've supported him through so much for years, if he can't do the same for me unconditionally for even 6 months then it's not such a big loss.

@NoCauseRebel I'm so sorry you're going through such an awful time. You have my complete sympathy.

I can relate to what you've said about considering letting him go and find somebody else, as sad as that feels to say. I was thinking exactly that this morning, along the lines of "If he goes elsewhere it's one less thing for me to worry about"

I think it's human nature to an extent for them to feel rejected, but empathy for somebody you love should trump something as trivial as sex when the other persons health is so poor - I would say. It's not as if we just woke up one morning and decided we don't want sex anymore.

Gah

Yep, he's perfectly able to see to his own needs for a while surely

I've supported him through bereavement, unemployment, money worries, family problems, had his back one thousand percent at every possible hurdle.

It's quite sad that he can't keep his urges in check whilst I recover.

The whole cause of me getting so ill was as a direct result of bringing our lovely DD into the world. This is the thanks I get.

I've seen lots of women post on here to say that their husbands don't want to have sex and how that damages their self esteem and how they crave intimacy and closeness.

The responses are always that the husband is wrong for refusing, that even if he doesn't want sex himself he should make an effort to please his partner and give her intimacy and that the poster should suggest opening up the relationship.

He has just strolled out of the bathroom naked, something he only does when he's trying to tempt me

I don't know maybe I am being selfish, I just don't think given everything I have to deal with that I should even have to worry about something as trivial as sex right now.

He is shown love in so many other ways.

If he can't deal with this it's probably best he leaves, but I think doing so at such a time would be a very poor reflection of him because we're a partnership in other way and I really need his support right now

I wish sex was the only thing I had to complain about to be honest

I would swap my health for his deprivation of sex any day.

I think you have posted before if you are who I think you are and a lot of the advice then was how awful this relationship was and how selfish he was.

This I think is just the final straw and yes I think it is best he leaves but for your sake not his

and he is trying to tempt you at lunchtime on a Sunday when presumably the children are about. This is

His attempts to tempt you are dreadful! Issues aside I’m surprised he’s ever managed to get you into bed. Doesn’t sound as if he has a single clue how to turn a woman on!

Has he not already betrayed you OP? Seriously ill and he is making you feel shit, manipulating and coercing you into sex because he clearly believes women exist to support his ego and to provide sexual service. He knows you have said you are extremely ill and not in the mood and knows you will alert him if that improves but obviously doesn't regard what you say as legitimate. I don't blame you for feeling as you do, sexual coercion is abusive and people not taking your illness seriously is horrible, as is realising that some peoples love isn't as unconditional as you though.

Pulling his weight in his own house and with his own children at a hard time is not something to congratulate really, it's an awful time for you both and he is stepping up as you would expect someone who is decent and caring to do, as the one physically able.

For context OP, I've been with my DP 12 years, have a chronic illness. At a point (and several since) I've been hospitalised and there was no sex for nearly a year at a time. He has never once done any of what you describe or made me feel bad. We have conversed and his attitude is that of course he wants sex but that I should be focusing on gettinf better not pleasing him when he can wait/wankn. He also often says he gets it because he wouldn't want it himself if he felt awful like I often do (I can't get out of bed at all sometimes) so why would he expect me to. He reassures me endlessly that he has no intention of ever leaving me and tells me often that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. He too has 'testosterone' and a healthy sex drive. I think your DP is the issue here, not hormones.

Sorry to hear you've been unwell OP it's so hard mentally as well as physically adjusting and coping with what happened to you, memories of hospital etc.that is before dealing with symptoms. You deserve that acknowledged by your DP and to be going on that journey together.

Separately if any man said 'nice view' whilst looking down my top in an unsolicited way, I'd think he was pathetic and the sec would stop because I wouldn't be able to fancy that. We don't have to accept this nonsense from men by virtue of being female.