Sex life suffering due to my health, am I being selfish?

[Whatsgood11]

I won't go into specifics as v outing but basically im in poor health, recovering from a NDE and catching every cold and bug going due to a compromised immune system. It has been 6 months of complete hell for me, with a decline in mental health to boot. I have two young children under 2 years.

My sex drive is hugely reduced for these reasons whereas DP's isn't. If he makes advances and I don't feel up to it he then sulks and when I get up the following morning the atmosphere is frosty, like a mild form of silent treatment and it feels so awkward.

I understand he has desires, testosterone etc. but I don't think any of that trumps my actual health. If I'm sick/rundown/unwell then that's a perfectly justifiable reason to not want sex, isn't it? He has hands.

Am I being selfish?

OP when my dd was about 2 and my milk had just about dried up, my body fell apart. DH googled all my various symptoms and suggested hypothyroidism. Off to the doctor bloods taken. Zilch. He then decided there was nothing wrong with me and that I couldn't be arsed to do anything, not that I wanted to but just didn't have the energy. Mel Gibson in his younger days could have been at the front door gagging for it, and I'd have preferred to curl up on the sofa in my cardi. I can remember laughing with a hospital sister 4 years later when I finally got the diagnosis of hypothyroidism.
Your posts have brought it all back, especially the day I heard him complaining to DD that he wasn't getting any.

He thought nothing of me leaving before 7am to drive from South to North East Manchester, so I could work a full day by 4pm and try and get home to see DD. He bitched like hell about his 12 mile drive and how awful it was.

Please don't do what I did. I wasted the next 18 years of my life with such a sorry excuse of a man. However tough, being alone is better than being with someone that sucks the life out of you.

Just ask him outright 'would you like me just to lie still while you rape me?' that seems to be what he wants. Dickhead

Maybe he needs to think about leaving the relationship if it isn't working for him?

Of course you shouldn't have to have sex when you don't want it.

He shouldn't have to live in a celibate relationship though.

I can empathise somewhat with your husband and sympathise with you.

Firstly you should not have to have sex if you don’t feel like it. If you are feeling poorly, then your priority is to get better. I don’t like the idea of people being coerced into having sex.

As a person with a high sex drive, I’d be lying if I said I’d never felt that drive and frustration. DH had low T and it nearly destroyed our relationship. I sulked and stropped. Begged and badgered. It’s not just the feeling of rejection that hurts. It’s a raw, almost animal need for sex and no, a toy doesn’t help.

Luckily for me DH got treatment and now we’re like a couple of randy teens. He made efforts with me the whole time, when probably he should have told me where to go.

I’m telling you this because it’s going to be really hard on him just to ‘have a wank’ and understand no sex for a while. In fact, it does come to a point when you have to consider whether you’re just too mismatched to continue.
People will rubbish what I’ve said. People will say that control is easy if you’re a mature and considerate adult, but the need for sex was so strong, it would have me in tears and almost aching.

Good luck op. I don’t envy the positions you or your husband are in.

You need a large metal skillet that you can wield with both hands, then bury the body somewhere. Hire a gardner and tell him you are burying a large wolfhound so you don't have to do any digging yourself.
What an absolute prick your husband is.

Let me be the first to rubbish what you said DBML - in sickness and in health. That's what marriage is for.
If a man behaves like a randy animal and can't control himself or put his sick wife first then he is not worth having.

I can't imagine anything worse than having sex with someone who is in pain and ill - it would put me right off. but them I guess some people are blissfully empathy free.

@madcatlady

Fair enough, but I thought it interesting to share how I felt as a high sex drive person with a low sex drive partner. See, I never thought of myself as being unreasonable in the moment. It’s selfish of course, I don’t deny. But I’m sharing how overwhelming the drive can be.

If my husband hadn’t sought treatment, I like to think I wouldn’t have cheated, but given the opportunity who knows. If he ended up with a low sex drive again and just expected me to accept it, I’d probably leave. (Which would also be the right thing for him clearly.)

DBML This sure as hell isn't mismatched sex drives this is a human being suffering brutal side effects of childbirth and her bastard of a husband and his sheer selfishness

I have experienced silent treatment when you’re not up for sex & for me this behaviour signifies the eventual end of the relationship. You start to recoil at their every touch, because they only touch you to make an advance. To get something out of you. When you start avoiding your partner & becoming nervous around them touching & gawking at you there is a big disconnect intimacy wise.

The problem with this kind of male is, in my opinion they don’t actually love you for you, or very deeply. They may on the outside appear gentlemanly but deep down have mysogynistic views on women, wives & roles females should play.

In his mind you wifey, me like boobs, touch wifey boobs, why no give sex? Cue sulk. It’s proper caveman shit.

When you adore someone & they are sick, you want to help. OP has helped this man through hard times. Now when she really needs him, his selfishness & how shallow he sees their roles in the relationship shines through. Women provide sex, food, comfort, stability, kids, caring, you are like a car not performing as it should to him. He is sulking because like a child denied a lolly he Only has the emotional level to either stamp his foot & whine OR sulk like a child to try & manipulate you into feeling bad for denying him his treat.

Real intimacy between grown people in a deep love is not this way. This isn’t a dead bedroom situation - they appear to be having sex weekly (it reads to me). That might not be everyone’s ideal but with a young busy family isn’t the worst... to accept sex from someone who doesn’t want it is pretty grim too. He either is so disconnected he can’t tell when his partner isn’t feeling it - or he just doesn’t care & happy to have a hole handy to ejaculate into.

Whenever I read posts about silent treatment givers, or sex Sulkers, or sex pests who grope you like a desperate horny teenager with zero foreplah skills I think “run girl”

How annoying for you trying to recover and he's mostly concerned about his dick.

He needs to go to the GP and get medication to lower his pest drive until you're well again.