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Original poster

The crazy ex

34 replies

TarMcAdam · 20/10/2019 08:30

Been seeing a man for almost a year, and the references to a "crazy ex" are building up. His attitude toward her is sarcastic, derogatory etc. He has said that she was violent and hit him when drinking, that she damaged his back door kicking it, she went "mad" trying to get into a (rural) pub after closing time because she thought he was in there (he had been but had left), that she tried to jump out of his still moving car, that she would bang her head off the door frame in his home during drunken arguments, and most disturbingly that she threatened to throw herself down a flight of stairs in his home and blame him for pushing her/injuring her.

He says her ex husband (an acquaintance of his, v small town) agrees that she was similar with him. And that he hit her back a few times. My dp says he never hit her, just protected his head etc but has shown satisfaction (it seemed to me anyway) that her ex hit her back.

He was widowed tragically young and has had about 4 relationships in the 10/11 years since then. He is diplomatic about the other women but some criticism is starting to creep in there too.

I'm aware of the crazy ex thing and the fact that it's often two sided (or even less) and am questioning things .. the main reason being that recently I told him I'd looked up the details of an incident, not anything he was involved in, in his home town (village) online - he doesn't use computers or go online, very weird but - and he looked noticeably, oddly freaked out and uncomfortable.

I'm perhaps being paranoid but I wondered if his reaction was because he's worried I'd be able to find something about any of the incidents he's told me about with his ex and discover they weren't really as he described them.

Are crazy ex "issues" always an indication of something more, esp when the man is increasingly derogatory to the ex?

OP posts:
Original poster
TarMcAdam · 20/10/2019 08:37

Just to add, I'm also increasingly seeing quite a temper with him; he describes himself as "fiery" and says that it's meaningless, all.over in a flash and he's obviously a good person underneath.

He seems to have little explosions occasionally and told me (of his own volition) that he blew up with this ex's mother when she phoned his mobile demanding that she leave his house and come home to her teenage kids, whom she felt shouldn't have been left unsupervised late or overnight (not sure which) ... Thus was apparently part if a pattern of controlling, demanding behaviour from her domineering mother. He told her to fuck off and cut the call off. At the time I said "You should have handed the phone to your ex, that's all" .. and he nodded agreement.

The ex's family seem to have a low opinion of him, understandably, and there is visible tension if we encounter them out and about. All this is making me wonder.

OP posts:
Original poster
TarMcAdam · 20/10/2019 08:41

Sorry if not clear - his ex's mum phoned his mobile (presumably not able to get her in here) demanding she come home and he told the mother to fuck off and cut off the call.

Apparently one of her sisters challenged him about it afterward and he refused to apologise etc.

Pretty low brow, unpleasant behaviour aside from anything else.

OP posts:
nomoreclue · 20/10/2019 09:48

Errr yeah! Huge red flags. Do you really need to ask? There are a load of people that don’t like him. He’s admitted losing his temper and telling people to fuck off! You know that will be you one day right? You’ll be the next crazy ex. Why would you want to set yourself up for that! The moment you start telling him no or not doing what he wants then bingo he will pull that old “crazy” out of the bag. Do yourself a favour and move on before you get too emeshed

RLEOM · 20/10/2019 09:48

Oh, God. If he's going on about his crazy ex, it's more than likely him who made her crazy. My ex would go on and on about how badly his ex gf from 3 years ago treated him... after being with him for a year, he drove me nuts through his womanising ways. Now he's doing the same to a new woman, they've already broken up once and I have no doubt he's been caught out again! Get rid.

TheCanterburyWhales · 20/10/2019 09:52

The crazy ex is rarely, if ever, as crazy as the person talking about them.

You should be running for the hills.

quincejamplease · 20/10/2019 09:57

FFS.

You can see his behaviour is escalating.

One day you will be the one he is claiming he "had to" hit in "self defense". He will probably even say "you made me do that" to your face.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

JessicaRarebit · 20/10/2019 10:00

You’re definitely right to heed caution I think. It’s quite unusual it’s taken him a year to tell you all of this, perhaps he realised telling you straight off the bat would have you running for the hills.

I’d keep a close eye on his behaviour towards you, if something starts feeling off then I’d say get out.

On the other side crazy ex partners really do exist and I’ve witnessed their behaviour first hand which would helpful because if verified what my dp had said for a long time.

Original poster
TarMcAdam · 20/10/2019 10:01

There are a load of people that don’t like him

There is an apparent tension with his ex's relatives, I suppose that's not unusual when a relationship fails.

However i agree with the rest of posters' views.

OP posts:
Original poster
TarMcAdam · 20/10/2019 10:03

It’s quite unusual it’s taken him a year to tell you all of this

He had just increasingly referred to it, given more details over time. He said things from the start related to her drinking and behaviour.

OP posts:
SprinkleDash · 20/10/2019 10:05

Guarantee he was the asshole in the relationship!

Original poster
TarMcAdam · 20/10/2019 10:07

Incidentally we had a pretty minor fall out when on a break once and when I went to hug him (quite suddenly j suppose) in a conciliatory way, he visibly flinched as though I were going to hit him.

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Original poster
TarMcAdam · 20/10/2019 10:08

I do think he's been hit in a relationship; that obviously doesn't exclude behaviour on his part of course.

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Ineedtochillthehellout · 20/10/2019 10:08

I’m a crazy ex. According to my exh anyway. He on the other hand was a angel with a “passionate temper” he couldn’t help it if he threw things at me, spat at me, slap me or humiliated me. I deserved it. Confused

This guy is waving red flags at you right, left and centre. Get out before he’s telling the next woman that your a crazy ex.

slipperywhensparticus · 20/10/2019 10:09

I'm torn my ex husband really does have a crazy ex but he is a class A cunt so swings and roundabouts

KnickerBockerAndrew · 20/10/2019 10:11

He sounds unpleasant tbh. But some men do have a crazy ex, and it would be unfair and unkind of me to minimise the physical and emotional abuse he received at the hands of his ex. Many people witnessed the violence, and I've been told of awful things she said and did to him in public. He still has scars, and in many ways suffers after it- flinches if I touch his face etc.

Original poster
TarMcAdam · 20/10/2019 10:21

my ex husband really does have a crazy ex but he is a class A cunt so swings and roundabouts

Yeah I suppose the two are not mutually exclusive.

Plus a dickhead/bastard will make a crazy woman crazier.

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slipperywhensparticus · 20/10/2019 11:23

Yes bastards will make women who are already prone to this behaviour worse my ex stepmom was ok married my dad turned into an alcoholic wack job she never recovered she is ok ish now but he still supplies her with alcohol they have been divorced 19 years

InsertFunnyUsername · 20/10/2019 11:46

The thing with crazy exs is sometimes it can be true, My Ex DP had a string of verified "crazy exs" that I saw for myself BUT I soon started to realise he was an utter bastard who could turn anyone in to a mad woman. I'm now another one on his list apparently Hmm So now I always think, well what did you do?

contrary13 · 20/10/2019 12:53

He could be a signal man, he's waving so many red flags!

There are always 3 sides to any story: his side, her side, and then the truth... which sits somewhere inbetween. I'd suggest that he's not quite as blameless as he's making out, and that his "crazy ex" is probably quite normal now she's no longer with him. Did she end the relationship? Because usually, proclaiming loudly to anyone who'll stop and listen, that a woman is "crazy" is the man's reaction to being dumped. Do you know what caused the demise of the relationship? Did she start to put her children first, after leaving them alone to spend time at your boyfriend's beck and call, overnight/during the evening? Did her family talk sense into her, that regardless of how old her children may have been... they ought to have been the ones coming first, not some bloke? Is that why they're frosty towards him if/when you encounter them, I wonder?

If you were my daughter, OP, I'd be suggesting that you stay away from this man. Your gut instinct about him is undoubtedly right. He's not innocent, and if he's starting to lay the groundwork for domestic violence sometimes being acceptable... no; you start to run for those hills!!! Don't slow down, speed up, go, go, go, go, go!!! And don't look back.

Good luck.

Original poster
TarMcAdam · 20/10/2019 13:35

Did she end the relationship? Because usually, proclaiming loudly to anyone who'll stop and listen, that a woman is "crazy" is the man's reaction to being dumped.

He says he ended it.

He also said sone time back that she had contacted him trying to strike up conversation/contact using the subject of her son being in TV (taking part in a design competition related to what he's studied).

Who knows how accurate this this is.

OP posts:
Original poster
TarMcAdam · 20/10/2019 13:35

*on TV

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Original poster
TarMcAdam · 20/10/2019 13:44

Also he said that the ex herself complained about her mother being domineering and controling and using her as a substitute partner because her parents' relationship (and dad's behaviour) is so poor .... That her mum took it for granted that sge, since her divorce,vwoukd be her mum's plus one and default companion - and she didn't like it when she got into a relationship.

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FizzyGreenWater · 20/10/2019 13:49

Look, bottom line is that a decent man who had got out of a bad relationship with an abusive person wouldn't be acting the way he is. Bringing it up. Slagging her off. Getting more derogatory about her and previous exes. Beginning to show his own temper as you get further along in the relationship...

He's not a keeper, ditch him now. Red flags all over. He's unpleasant, it's as plain as day.

My interpretation of this is that the 'crazy ex' is the one who reacted most strongly to his 'temper' and quite possibly gave as good as she got. Hence his anger still simmering. The rest were probably glad to get away more quietly...

You can do a lot better than an angry twat.

Original poster
TarMcAdam · 20/10/2019 13:50

Did she start to put her children first, after leaving them alone to spend time at your boyfriend's beck and call, overnight/during the evening?

To be fair - these are older teenage children, one in further/higher education .. they probably should/could've been left late or overnight without burning the place down etc. Obviously not all the time, but I didn't get the impression it was all the time. I think the mum was using emotional blackmail and guilt to get perhaps get control back over her daughter.

I felt sorry for the ex in general - her dad is an alcoholic too - though her behaviour seems not great so ...

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Original poster
TarMcAdam · 20/10/2019 13:57

Look, bottom line is that a decent man who had got out of a bad relationship with an abusive person wouldn't be acting the way he is. Bringing it up. Slagging her off. Getting more derogatory about her and previous exes. Beginning to show his own temper as you get further along in the relationship...

You're right.

The only thing I can say is that he seems to retain a bit of trauma & disappointment etc from the relationship - as well as some bitterness/malice.

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