Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to deal with seeing NC sister

48 replies

Gruffalomom · 19/10/2019 19:59

I've been no contact with my dsis for over a year now after being LC for a couple years before that.

I have no regrets about this, she is a horrible person and not someone I want in mine or my children's lives.

However we will see each other at the funeral of a grandparent this week.

I'm already frustrated at the performance she has making about their passing. Despite living nearby she had not visited in years yet according to friends her Facebook is currently plastered with how devastated she is about her loss. I on the other hand was visiting a couple of times a month, was the one who arranged our grandparents care and was holding their hand when they passed.

I'm already anxious as I am delivering the eulogy and feel like I need a plan in my head about how to deal with her. Help!

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 19/10/2019 20:11

Sorry for your loss. Look up greyrock and maybe practice that when you have to see her.

Original poster
Gruffalomom · 19/10/2019 20:25

Thank you I will do that x

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 19/10/2019 22:23

If she brings anything up just say that this is not the time or place for this discussion. Then excuse yourself.

Don’t get drawn in which grey rock will help you with.

user764329056 · 19/10/2019 22:32

I understand how you feel OP, recently had to encounter narc mother and sister at a funeral, am NC with both, I was hyper vigilant at all times as to where they were, I swerved them at all times, it was exhausting, I don’t have any great advice unfortunately but just wanted to say that I understand how you feel

Original poster
Gruffalomom · 20/10/2019 09:47

Thank you all. User im sorry you have had to go through the same x

OP posts:
75Renarde · 20/10/2019 09:49

Ignore grey rock OP. It doesn't work.

Do you have to deliver the eulogy?

I wouldn't, if I was you.

Djimino · 20/10/2019 09:58

Just be polite and a little 'formal' just as you would someone else that you don't like and don't know.

Also, stop wasting time judging her for how she is dealing with the death of your Grandparent. Maybe she is genuinely distraught an maybe it's all fake. No one knows and caring about it is silly. Maybe the fact she hasn't visited as much as you makes her grief a lot worse. 🤷🏻‍♀️
The fact that you've spoken to her friends about what she has posted on Facebook about your grandparents death is also silly and petty. If her friends start trying to gossip about her to you just tell them you aren't interested.

I'm sorry about your grandparents death. It will be easier if you try to put your feelings about your sister to one side.

SingingLily · 20/10/2019 10:10

I'm sorry to hear that grey rock doesn't work for you, 75Renarde. It worked for me at my father's funeral just over a month ago.

Gruffalomom, I'm sorry for your loss. It will be a long hard day for you but on the basis of my own recent experience, I second Aussiebean's sensible advice. That, and giving your sister a wide berth.

Will you have anyone with you to support you on the day?

Original poster
Gruffalomom · 20/10/2019 10:22

Djimino are you my sister?! Hmm

Thanks singinglily and I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes I will have support there. My cousin's and I are very close and are also NC with dsis due to her nastiness.

OP posts:
75Renarde · 20/10/2019 10:24

@SingingLily

I never said I have tried Grey Rock. Why do you assume that?

Grey Rock is utterly rubbish. It doesnt work.

SingingLily · 20/10/2019 10:31

Oh! I thought you were speaking from experience, 75Renarde. My mistake.

I'm glad you will have support with you, Gruffalomom, and even more so that they are cousins who get the whole picture. That will help. I had support from my younger sister on the day and it made such a difference. You will get through the day, I promise.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 20/10/2019 10:43

My advice is to have a friend to hand to keep an eye out for you. I did this at my mums funeral which my brother organised. He had lied to the family about me on a grand scale and quite a few people refused to speak to me. It really helped knowing that I had someone there who I could debrief with later if anything happened.

75Renarde · 20/10/2019 10:55

@SingingLily I AM speaking from experience. That's why I don't use Grey Rock. It's pointless.

Be cautioned on making assumptions about relationships, the cousins, where you dont really know the inside action.

I dont know the position of the cousins. Why do you know their positions?

SingingLily · 20/10/2019 10:58

OP, it seems my presence here is becoming a distraction from what should be a supportive and helpful thread for you so it's time for me to withdraw.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and about to go through. I wish you only the best.

Original poster
Gruffalomom · 20/10/2019 11:06

My closest cousins are also NC with my dsis, as I mentioned in a pp. That's what lily is referring too.

It does feel reassuring knowing that that they see the issues too. They were not involved in my own decision to go NC but made the choice themselves after years of interactions with dsis.

Singinglily I appreciate your kind comments thank you

OP posts:
75Renarde · 20/10/2019 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KnickerBockerAndrew · 20/10/2019 11:22

It must be very hard but I can't help but think that the anxiety about seeing your sister is displaced grief. This is about your grandparent. You have no reason to speak to your sister or to stress about her. (i say this as someone who is also NC with her sister.)

Original poster
Gruffalomom · 20/10/2019 11:25

That's a fair point knicker. You may be right. I'm not intending to have any contact with her on the day, I want to go in and honour my grandparent best I can, but I feel more comfortable to have a plan in place in case an interaction is unavoidable.

I'm so sorry to hear you are also NC with your sister. I know it's not easy but sometimes it's for the best

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 20/10/2019 11:27

75Renarde what are you talking about? singinglily hasn’t been manipulative at all. No idea how you can say that something you have no experience of doesn’t work
OP, I am NC with my brother and if I do have to see him I do just go grey rock and yes, it works for me. I’m very sorry for your loss and hope the funeral goes as well as it can

JustLikeJasper · 20/10/2019 11:31

@75Renarde if anyone is being manipulative it's you, OP has enough on her plate she doesn't need your rude insensitive comments

thebluearsefly · 20/10/2019 11:40

75renarde your posts are bizarre.

OP sorry for your loss. I have family members like this - with the FB grief plastering. If she couldn’t be fucked to visit in life then she shouldn’t be making a big song and dance after their death. With people like this I Would suggest being polite and formal. Don’t engage. Any theatrics, excuse yourself.

MzHz · 20/10/2019 12:14

Of course grey rock works! Just that some need bigger boulders!

Starve them of their desperately needed drama, complete zero reaction bar a tilted head or two

Let THEM unravel while you withdraw

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 20/10/2019 12:26

Everything @Djimino says makes sense to me. Your energy and resilience on the day is precious and shouldn't be wasted on anyone, least of all this sister.

Anyone who tells you what she is posting on SM does not have your best interests at heart. Make sure you've got people to support you who do.

Pinkbonbon · 20/10/2019 12:42

Grey rock works for short term situations/convo. Longterm...not so much. Narcissistic sorts ect, always have a way of goading/hurting you to the point where they'll get something tasty from you. Even an hour or two alone with them can be enough no matter how stone faced you intended to be.

That being said, for very brief convos with other people around it is pretty much all you can do.

Witchinaditch · 20/10/2019 13:11

@75Renarde you’re being very aggressive. What works for one person may not work for another. You haven’t actually tried grey rock so you can’t say it doesn’t work but it may not work for you but it may work for
Others. No need to bring nastiness on what is supposed to be a supportive thread.

Good luck OP in whatever works for you and once again really sorry for your loss I hope the eulogy goes as well as it can.