How to deal with seeing NC sister

[Gruffalomom]

I've been no contact with my dsis for over a year now after being LC for a couple years before that.

I have no regrets about this, she is a horrible person and not someone I want in mine or my children's lives.

However we will see each other at the funeral of a grandparent this week.

I'm already frustrated at the performance she has making about their passing. Despite living nearby she had not visited in years yet according to friends her Facebook is currently plastered with how devastated she is about her loss. I on the other hand was visiting a couple of times a month, was the one who arranged our grandparents care and was holding their hand when they passed.

I'm already anxious as I am delivering the eulogy and feel like I need a plan in my head about how to deal with her. Help!

"Cousins are very strange beasts. Be careful."

I can second this, from personal experience. When my grandmother died, my younger cousins - whom I'd had a distant, but generally okay relationship with up until this point - actually prevented me from being able to attend the funeral. Death threats were issued by one of them against me, my parents were dragged into the situation by them and manipulated, and my uncles decided that if I showed up, then they'd "remove me, themselves". My crime? My grandmother left me a sizeable amount of property/money (which I haven't received, due to my uncle's shenanigans) and I was a single parent. My oldest was 2 when my grandmother died, she's now 23... and ever since the day my grandmother died? Not one member of my father's extended family has acknowledged her.

I didn't attend the funeral. My parents went, and played happy famillies - and that was their choice/right. But I stayed away. Not because of how I'd been turned on, but because I didn't want my grandmother's memory to be disrespected by ugliness on a day that was/should have been all about her.

Unfortunately, OP, some people insist on making funerals, other people's weddings, baptisms and the ilk all about them. How they hate, don't like, never took to someone else in the congregation. That's their choice. But you can make a different choice. You can rise above it. You can ignore your sister, completely, even if/when she starts a scene, or tries to engage you in conversation - because that's what NC is about. But if you do, make sure it's tactful and not designed to cause a scene... because that may be what your sister is hoping for. If she's posting all over social media, then she's seeking attention, or validation, to appease her own guilt at not having been a constant presence in your grandparent's life. That's her choice/right. But you don't have to validate it. It's meaningless trivia to you... right?

Rise above, OP, and I'm very sorry for your loss

Op sorry for your loss and sorry you're having to deal with additional stress on top of your grief.

I'm also nc with my sister for damn good reasons, her desperation to "own" certain family losses/crises is one of them.

Some years ago I also had a similar situation as yours except at that time it was a cousin who'd barely seen the grandparent despite living VERY nearby whereas despite living hundreds of miles away at the time I was seeing them at least once a month.

The cousin upon grandparents death became a total grief vulture with huge public dramatic displays of their grief which really irked not only me but others too. But at first I didn't know that others were very aware of the truth of the situation I didn't actually know until after the funeral, where they had been noisily demonstrative of how sad they were.

A milestone birthday party for another relative that side of family about 6 months later in fact, where I was surprised to realise that the rest of the family knew exactly what this cousin was like and weren't buying their apparently being distraught over the grandparents loss at all. A few had already gone nc with them as a result and I've basically been same for many years now, it's sad as we were close as children but who they are as an adult I cannot bear.

Avoid her as much as possible, polite coolness if you do have to interact and don't be drawn into any disagreements.

I think you'll find that others know exactly what she's like and she won't be fooling as many as you might fear, but it's not your responsibility to enlighten anyone she's no longer your problem.

And yes some of her ott expressions of grief could well be coming from guilt! I learned years later that my cousin had admitted as much to at least one relative. Few people are completely conscience free but many don't admit their true feelings. But that's her problem not yours, she's the one that's got to live with her actions knowing it's now too late to change things.

I hope it goes as calmly as possible for you and remember "this too shall pass" it's one day you're not stuck there forever and the day after if you handle things with calm dignity you'll be so glad you did.

Thanks everyone. I'm always reminding my children that they can only be in control of how they behave and I guess the same applies here.

I'll stick to a grey rock approach and leave the wake as early as politely possible and just focus of doing my grandparents proud

First off. I completely refute that I have been angry or agressive in this thread. At all.

I have said, very clearly and plainly that I believe that Grey Rock does not work. That is a matter of opinion.

But dont take my word for it. Listen to what HG Tudor says.

narcsite.com/2019/04/21/grey-rock-why-it-does-not-work/

The PP actually referenced my words. Dont trust the cousins. I've had that experience, and it would appear @Graphista has too. What a surprise.

OP. Funerals are for the living. Do your own thing and for your own sake try to resist the obligations that society is placing on you.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Apologies, it was @contrary13

Thanks 75, I'll definately take your experience in mind x

Please do OP. You can do whatever you wish.

I will caution you that a smear has been going on for ages against you. You DS would not have been able to stop herself.

I'm so sorry. You dont deserve this.

You are right 75. I'm fully aware of the smears, theyve been all over Facebook as well as directed to my parents.

I'm fortunate that most of the family are not naive to her nastiness. My DM is very like her so I am already LC with her.

It's not pleasant but I can only manage my own response and aside from to her directly (and here!) I've never said anything negative about her to anyone other than my dh. It's just better to let bad people shine a light on their own failings in my opinion, trying to do so on their behalf has no positive outcome x

Utterly agree OP and you are doing brilliantly!

Well done you! X

75, HG I believe states he has NPD. In the past I listened to lots of his talks. I think, though, that in the one you mention he's discussing grey rock with a person who has NPD.
Grey rock DOES work with, eg, BPD. They get bored.
It also works with generally nasty people who one may have no option but to be in contact with for a relatively short period of time.
It is the option I will be taking with my own nasty sibling when the time comes for our parents funerals

@bill

Yes. HG clearly states he is an aware sufferer of NPD. I know this. He knows this. Thats why I listen to what he has to say. Tudor is a genious. And he is truly trying to help. For his own reasons.

Grey Rock does not work. You are still giving narc supply, energy away. List let them go. Waste of your precious energy. Empaths find it very hard to do TRUE Grey Rock. They can only do it for spurts. Very hard.

You need to be at Ninja levels of awareness to be able to do it.

Thrre is no such thing as BPD by the way. Just thought I'd mention it.
Totally disagree
And just thought I'd mention not everyone who is is a dick is NPD

I’m disagreeing here too!! BPD is very real

This isn't really the thread for an argument about BDP. Take it somewhere else.

OP I hope you are OK.

*BPD!

"Some people hide behind the label of BPD when they have NPD"

My daughter, who has a diagnosis of NPD (I've seen the diagnosis letter, from her psychologist who specialises in the disorders), will only ever admit to having BPD. Which she tells all and sundry about as though it's a badge of honour - and no; I don't know why. I guess it's the new "bipolar" (when all the celebs a decade or more ago, started to claim that they were bipolar... and then a few years later had been miraculously cured of it - which is impossible: believe me, I know!). Certainly, my daughter mentions an awful lot of girls her age, from college, university, various jobs "being BPD, too!". NPD, though? That exists. And they're nasty, manipulative, cunning creatures who will throw their own family under a bus so that they can have attention from strangers, in my experience.

I find that Grey Rock only works if you're 100% focused upon not responding to their antics. Ignoring them until they get bored works far better - or it does with my daughter, at least. But that's not fair on others who're there, too. So tact comes into play.

OP, I truly wish you luck with what lies ahead. You can honour your grandparent without devolving to your sister's level of behaviour... but you'll need to focus on ignoring her, being tactful to other mourners, and mourn your grandparents loss - all at the same time.

That's really interesting @contrary13

And I'm very sorry too.

Thank you all so very much for your help and understanding.
The funeral went smoothly. My sister tried a couple of times to move to speak but I managed to turn away in time to speak to other people without it being obvious to anyone else.
I stuck to sitting with my cousin's at the wake and she stayed away with my parents.
The eulogy was tough to get through but I managed to keep it together and had lots of feedback that it was a good tribute.
So I feel like we gave a good send off and avoided any issues.

Thank you all again and lots of love to all of you also dealing with siblings like this. It is not an easy path but sometimes it's the right one.

Well done.

Have been though similar and can vouch for how stressful it can be.

Glad it went smoothly for you op. I think it's very difficult for those with loving, normal siblings to understand how hard it is to deal with difficult ones.

This is my 3rd time nc with mine, first 2 mum acted as flying monkey and really put the pressure on to restart a relationship with sister, for her sake, but this time was different for a few reasons including my being very clear I would not appreciate her laying guilt trips on me, that sister was one in wrong and I would NOT be changing my mind this time and I haven't.

I have Mh issues (largely due to such a dysfunctional family!) and the cpn I used to have (whole other story!) found it really hard to understand and asked me a few times if I missed my sister, and I honestly admitted there was some aspects I missed, but that the bad sadly far outweighed the good (very few people are all bad of course), and that my life was just easier without sister in it, her lying and stirring with others were among the major problems and if I'm nc she cannot claim to others I've said/done whatever awful thing she makes up.

Just because someone is "family" doesn't necessarily mean it's healthy to have them in your life.

Take care of yourself because as many of us who've been through bereavements know it's often the time after all the obvious/official stuff is done when the loss can hit hardest. Lean on those who care about you.