to think we need to take control of mom's life?

[SmudgeButt]

My mom is exceedingly old, starting to lose the plot, struggles to get upstairs to her bedroom, is beginning to lose track of personal hygiene and when to eat. She lives on her own, several miles from town where there are no buses and no taxis. Despite being a hazard on the road she still drives.

I have brothers that live much closer to her than I do (she's not in the UK and I am) and they think until mom decides on her own that she needs a carer or needs to move into town and possibly into a care home then we should just leave her to it. And that nothing should be done about her driving hoping that when she is retested next summer that she'll lose her license.

I am not in a position to go and assist with anything but think that we need to consider activating her power of attorney and take control of her life. The difficulty is it's not going to be me that has to do this.

Short of waiting for her to have a dreadful car accident or a fatal tumble down the stairs can you think of anything else I can do or say to my brothers to make them see some sort of sense? Their current line is that "we can't force her, that would be bullying" so they are stopping phoning her to make her know better what it's like to be lonely. And the one who lives closest and has been at her house at least once a day for the last five years has told her he'll only be coming over once a week in the future and maybe not even that. Personally I think this is even worse bullying than "forcing" her into a care home

Despite being a hazard on the road she still drives.

There is no point getting her license cancelled if she is this far gone. She'd just keep driving anyway. Someone needs to take the car away / disable it so she can't drive. Stop saying "oh but she'd be lonely" and start thinking "she could kill someone or herself".

Thanks all for your comments. It's useful for me to do a brain dump about this - even if I did end up having nightmares last night!!

Thanks all for your comments. It's useful for me to do a brain dump about this - even if I did end up having nightmares last night!!

drat the premature postings....

I'll send an email to eldest brother (who is nearly as far away as I am but in the same country at least) to voice my concerns. And to suggest the financial POA is envoked to at least take some pressure off her (she's said she can't cope with bills & taxes etc anymore). Realistically the finances may be the only thing I can help with assuming I can access her banking online (with her permission of course).

Mom has said she won't have the house changed at all (railings/stairlift would ruin it). And as stated won't have a carer or move to someplace "full of old people" (she's 90).

Youngest and nearest brother expects to find her dead from falling down the stairs at some point. And (potential uncaring alert!) I think that's a much better prospect than hitting someone with her car. I feel we are lucky that youngest bro has dealt with her for the last decade and appreciate that he's fed up and wants to have his own life back.

I would like to go and help sort everything out but that's a minimum week but possibly a month or more and frankly I can't be away from work that long. And there's my own family situation here that would need to be covered - so all very difficult.

It's one of those times I wonder if I'd prefer to have been a siblingless orphan. Prob not I suppose.

It's so difficult to judge these things. My SIL did her best when her mum got dementia. She retired early so that she could spend four days every eight staying at her mum's (two hours away) to support her, with the neighbours keeping an eye the other four days.

I'd started to think that it was getting too risky for MIL to be at home alone at all, when she was picked up by the police at 5am, a mile away from home, having 'wandered'.

I would say to your brothers that at the first sign of your mum getting disorientated, they might need to get some advice quickly.
(MIL was taken into hospital by the police, and after that, she was placed into a residential home for respite care while the various options were considered. She never returned home)

Seriously, can the car be quietly disabled for a while? Take out a vital component?

Seriously you're advocating stranding an elderly person by disabling the car at the same time that the youngest brother is saying he's only going to visit once a week?

Has she had lots of accidents?

If you're this worried, you need to go and see her and your brothers and sort out a plan for the future - it's no good firing off emails to your oldest brother, who isn't even the one on the spot doing the caring.

"won't ... move to someplace "full of old people" (she's 90)"

Such a place would probably be full of younger people

I've already said that cutting the visits isn't the answer., @category12

I get where you are coming from @SmudgeButt, in a similar situation as we speak.

Grandmother stopped driving a couple of months ago, at least, but only after clipping a car getting out of a parking space.

Over the years she refused all offers of modifications to home, home help etc. Very fiercely independent.

Two weeks ago she had a stroke. Currently in hospital with no chance of returning home. She does have a few marbles, as in she can recall certain things, recognise people, but a lot is also gobbledegook. She can't walk, is doubly incontinent, and can no longer make new memories, so forgets every previous day.

No POA here so not sure where we'll stand once it's decided where she goes next.

In reality, for us both, I think we're 10 years too late for helping them to see that moving to a retirement flat would have been a good option....

Good luck with your outcome

OP, If I were the younger brother, I'd be severely pissed off that you would go to the older brother with your intended email - I mean, to what end, to jointly put pressure on me to do things your way while you're both off-stage and I'm the one left to do the hard-lifting? I'd be livid.

If your mum is saying she can't cope with some things eg finances, starting to get dementia and struggling to make decisions eg not knowing when she is and isn't safe on the roads then I'd say it is time to step in.

This does sound like one of those depressing scenarios where those relatives with penises feel thoses without need to do the work though. Sadly all too common.

That's unfair since the younger brother has been the one doing the caring for the last 10 years, AnnaMagnani.

fyi - the only reason I am thinking of emailing my oldest (farest away) and not youngest (and nearest) brother is that he's the only one I'm likely to get a response from. Youngest (retired school head) can barely work email and even when I do rarely get a response from him he doesn't engage, just posts happy pics rather than answering questions.

For what it's worth they all do think I'm a bit of a heartless bitch. True in some ways but just as I always go to practical mode and that's something I can't do long distance.

She sounds full of spunk, and would probably fade fast in an old people's home. Some people know that don't have long left and want to spend it where they have been happiest, on their own terms. Presumably she passed the most recent assessment re her driving licence. If there are no taxis, could a carer be found who would simply drive her where she wants to go? She might accept that. You can't take a week off to visit her so I think you need to watch how heavy handed you seem about this. Your younger brother has done a lot I'm not sure what you want to achieve by bypassing him and speaking to the older brother.

Fair point - but he is now cutting back when the mum really needs it and isn't addressing any of her real issues. Posting happy pics and waiting for disaster is not going to cut it right now - she needs someone to actually give her a wash and stop her having a car accident.

So you need to phone and engage with your youngest brother in a way he does know how to work properly.