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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unfair and uptight?

39 replies

Tinyguttersnipe · 19/10/2019 16:25

There's a bit of background history which might be helpful for anyone to know. Have been with DH a long time and he's always been very sosciable and enjoys his larger. Once hes had a few he'll happily chat to anyone and everyone and is always reluctant to call it a night. It caused problems before we married because I felt he prioritized his friends and I felt neglected and we argued about it a lot.

After we got married and had our DSs he really reigned it in and only went out rarely maybe half a dozen times a year. We also go out with other couples perhaps once a month. But just lately DH has started picking up his old habits. It started with him chatting with a couple of men our local take away, who then introduced him to some other men who meet up to watch sports fixtures in a local pub. Things seem to have snowballed and for the last few months DH is heading out to the pub every other weekend. He always comes back either quite drunk or properly shit faced and is good for nothing the next day as well. I could go and join him because he always invites me to join him but I'm not much of a drinker and don't enjoy the whole pub scene anyway if I'm being honest. Also our youngest DS has just moved away to college so we have the house to ourselves again but I didn't expect to be an empty nester whose husband goes off to the pub every other weekend! I don't want this to become our new normal and it's making me feel agitated and is dragging back all the unhappy feelings from when before we were married. DH reassures me he loves me very much but he just likes a change of scene a couple of times a month. I suspect I'm being unfair aren't I, but can't seem to rationalise it.

OP posts:
Elodie2019 · 19/10/2019 16:28

He's got a drink problem whether he knows it or not.
I feel for you OP, he can change his habits but HE needs to want to.
Talk to him and let him know how this is affecting you and your DC. X

Elodie2019 · 19/10/2019 16:30

BTW, you're not being unfair, this is making you very unhappy & it's frightening to watch someone 'snowball'. I get it.

Aminuts23 · 19/10/2019 16:35

I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable that he goes out with his friends once a fortnight! What’s wrong with that?
The state he gets into is a problem though. Could you suggest he drinks less?

SuperMeerkat · 19/10/2019 16:36

Twice a month isn’t loads however if it’s upsetting you then it’s a problem. Will it spark a huge row if you say anything or will he be reasonable?

SundayMorningAndImFalling · 19/10/2019 16:40

Well, you're only being unfair in the sense that you knew who he was, married him anyway and then expected him to change.

He did so for the duration of raising your son, but it was clearly a sacrifice and only a temporary measure in his mind and now he reverted to type.

I'm a strong believer in not expecting anyone to change but on deciding how I am going to respond to the way they are. So how are you going to respond?

RandomMess · 19/10/2019 16:42

So every other weekend he opts out of being involved in family life due to drinking too much, completely unacceptable and yes it does sound like he has a drink problem as can't be measured about how much he has!

feelingsinister · 19/10/2019 16:51

I thought you were going to say he was out 3 or 4 times a week or that you have young children at home.

It's a shame that you don't have the same priorities or interests but I really can't see an issue with him going out fortnightly or weekly with his mates.

I go out with friends weekly usually, sometimes more. About once a month I'll have a big night out and will probably get very pissed.

If my partner had a problem with that or tried to stop this then I'd probably be posting about my controlling partner not letting me have my own life.

feelingsinister · 19/10/2019 16:53

@RandomMess are you serious? Getting pissed twice a month does not indicate a problem with alcohol and he is not opting out of family life ffs he's going out with his friends.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/10/2019 16:57

Going out with friends once a fortnight shouldn’t be a big deal. Nor should coming home drunk, as long as he isn’t an aggressive drunk and doesn’t vomit everywhere etc. I’d feel differently if you had young children and he was dumping you with childcare whenever he had a hangover; but that’s not the case.

He wants to go out; you’d be welcome to join him; but you don’t want to. I think you need to broaden your own social circle so hat when he goes out with his friends you can go out with yours / go to a hobby or club.

RandomMess · 19/10/2019 16:58

Every time he goes out and drinks too much to be good for anything the next day...

That is what the op says!

Going out weekly to have a drink with friends not an issue, drinking to excess every time he goes out is an issue whether it's daily or monthly or less.

Tinyguttersnipe · 19/10/2019 17:01

It's interesting reading other people's points of view because I know I'm really biased about this sort of thing. If I am being objective I sort of agree that going out twice a month isn't much but then I think about the fact that he's well over forty and shouldn't he have hegrown out of it by now. He never gives me the rag about going out with my friends but then we just tend to do quite easy things like meeting for lunch or going to watch a film. I never go on and on and stagger home drunk or anything like that. I really don't know what to do really because I would say our relationship was really good the rest of the time.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 19/10/2019 17:01

I’ll add - friends are important as you age and your social world naturally gets smaller (less contact with adult DC; retirement and loss of work relationships). For a couple to rely only on each other for company, entertainment and emotional support is the start of difficulty in a lot of relationships. It’s also particularly good for men to have friends they keep in touch with: too many older men lack friends and social activities because they often just don’t bother to keep in contact.

RandomMess · 19/10/2019 17:04

I would just be talking to him as to why he is consuming so much he's drunk, why doesn't he have a "stop" function? Is it the people he is with or just how he is around booze?

I would be encouraging him to have more of a social life and hobbies but when he isn't going to stagger home drunk...

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/10/2019 17:04

If it’s the being good for nothing the next day that you don’t like then that’s why you should tackle - ask him if he could keep the really drunken nights down to once a month and just pace himself the rest of the time so you can enjoy some of the weekend together. But don’t pitch it as wanting him to spend less time with friends when the time he does spend with them isn’t excessive.

rvby · 19/10/2019 17:05

I'd be fine with it. His units of alcohol are probably too high, not great, but at the same time so many men are lonely and friendless. It balances out for me.

You're allowed to not be ok with it. Is it bad enough that you want to leave him over it? If so you should.

If it's not that bad, then it's up to you to come up with a way to make peace with it.

If it were me I'd relish the chance to do whatever I like for 24 hours every two weeks. Make a deal with him that he do any household tasks etc before going out and then let him enjoy his duvet day, or take a duvet day with him.

Or neither, be pissed off and try to harangue him into being the person you'd prefer him to be I guess... I don't recommend that but plenty of people do try that, despite it never working.

feelingsinister · 19/10/2019 17:06

@RandomMess in your opinion.
Actually I think people who sink two or three glasses of wine a night have far more of an issue with alcohol than someone who goes on the lash a couple of times a month. That indicates far more of a dependency.

I'm not saying there aren't issues with binge drinking, there are obviously health concerns and the risk of getting into bother if you're too drunk but twice monthly drinking does not indicate a problem with alcohol.

If he was being aggressive, blacking out, his health was suffering or being a dick in any other way then I could see it being a problem but he doesn't seem to be. Yes he's not good the next day but hangovers do get much worse as we age. If he wants to spend his Saturday passed out on the sofa or bed watching crap then why shouldn't he?

The issue here seems to be incompatible expectations not alcohol.

feelingsinister · 19/10/2019 17:09

@Tinyguttersnipe
I really object to the expectation that people over 40 should have grown out of stuff by now. Actually as your children have left home, now is the time for you both to do what you want a bit more rather than being restricted by young kids.

Witchinaditch · 19/10/2019 17:13

Does he get in fights? Is he abusive to you? If it’s only twice a month I think YaBU. I can’t see how some posters think that he has a drink problem? MN is strangely pearl clutchy about alcohol. One glass of sherry at Xmas is enough to be called an alcoholic on here.

RandomMess · 19/10/2019 17:14

@feelingsinister I think both those scenarios show an unhealthy relationship with alcohol!!

If someone gets lashed every time they go out how is that a healthy relationship? It isn't.

Unfortunately most of us don't realise that all these scenarios mean their is an issue with alcohol,

Also really sad that the only social life anyone has is to go out on the lash and spend the next day hungover!

DonKeyshot · 19/10/2019 17:15

As you're an empty nester, what family time is he missing out on every other Sunday?

Why don't you arrange weekend dates for meals out or in with other friends or weekends away, so that he's not spending every other Saturday night with this particular group of drinkers?

Social drinking isn't something you grow out of and some, such as your dh, don't have a brake once they've necked a few as they just want to keep the happy time going for as long as possible.

Bellringer · 19/10/2019 17:18

If you can't stop drinking till you fall over it's a problem. You don't have to be pissed 24/7 to be an alcoholic

LucileDuplessis · 19/10/2019 17:18

Once a fortnight sounds fine to me. Being good for nothing for the whole of the next day does not! Could you compromise that you'll stop moaning about him going out if he reins it in a bit and drinks less?

Lovemenorca · 19/10/2019 17:22

I bet your husband is one of those annoying creeps I recall from when I was in sixth form (20 years ago!)
Goes to pub alone
Drinks
Starts joining in conversations where he’s not wanted
Makes bee line for any one new
Basically an annoying nuisance who thinks he’s mR sociable

SundayMorningAndImFalling · 19/10/2019 17:22

I really object to the expectation that people over 40 should have grown out of stuff by now

Same here. I dont drink as much as I did when I was younger (prob 3 pints max when I go out) but I still have the same hobbies and interests as I always did. Which makes sense really, I'm the same person!

And being older with older children just means that some of the responsibility has lifted and the balance of focus my children and on myself has shifted somewhat.

SundayMorningAndImFalling · 19/10/2019 17:24

Lovemenorca
Why?

Why can't he just be a person going out and enjoying the things he likes now he doesnt have the responsibility of children at home anymore?