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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How did you deal with your husband's midlife crisis?

53 replies

Startingoveragain1 · 19/10/2019 16:04

What are your experiences dealing with a man's (40 to 50 years old) midlife crisis? Did your relationship survive? Did they regret their actions at some point? I posted just 2 days ago. My partner has been depressed , irritable, fed up, a pain to be around. I have been thinking he is depressed and have been as supporting as possible. All of a sudden He is at the gym every evening . I do pretty much everything at home and with kids , been cooking him healthy food (he is gone into a health mania) changed all his routines . Goin to bed really really early, then cant sleep at night. Very stressed at work and wants to leave there as soon as he finds somerhing else. He is just always moody and no matter what i do he is just a different person. Now he wants to leave, "we have no future""we are doomed"" i dont wanna go visit your family every summer ""this is not the life i wanted" Im baffled af. He literally makes no sense , last week we were planning on moving closer to his family and now we are done. Wtf. Ive just been reading on mens midlife crisis and am pretty sure thats what this is. Any experiences ladies?

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 19/10/2019 17:34

Mine didn't survive.
I don't think there is anything really you can do.

The one thing I regret not doing is telling him to leave as soon as he started the crap. He treated me horribly and eventually betrayed me.

mybrilliantmind · 19/10/2019 17:50

Mine hasn't survived and we are divorcing. DH, always partial to drink found a crowd into punk music and got himself a leather wristband and a blue haired girlfriend. He has completely changed from the guy sat in the armchair watching re-runs of Last of the Summer Wine to a lying lairy twat.

SundayMorningAndImFalling · 19/10/2019 18:26

Plastic punks/middle aged men who 'discover' punk - tedious twats.

You're well shot of him, mybrilliantmind

There's better out there for you.

HunnyMummy1993 · 19/10/2019 18:34

Has anyone got a link to The Script. It’s hilarious and sadly true.

Haworthia · 19/10/2019 18:40

This script? Second post of the thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

HollowTalk · 19/10/2019 18:42

DH, always partial to drink found a crowd into punk music and got himself a leather wristband and a blue haired girlfriend. He has completely changed from the guy sat in the armchair watching re-runs of Last of the Summer Wine to a lying lairy twat.

Oh god, I know that's not funny but I couldn't help laughing. @mybrilliantmind, you know he will revert to his true self, don't you, and the blue haired girl won't be seen for dust?

mostlydrinkstea · 19/10/2019 18:52

Been there and we are divorcing.

milksoffagain · 19/10/2019 18:55

Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear it's happening to you.

Read as much as you possibly can about this as from where you're standing it will make no sense at all. These men/women are going through a fundamental life change and the worst thing you can do is demand that they change back again even though their behaviour has reverted to that of a toddler or an angry teenager. Don't let them feel you are against them but try hard to keep your sense of self and don't lose your sense of humour. Good luck, it is a really really horrible experience to be the partner of someone in this state.

Original poster
Startingoveragain1 · 19/10/2019 19:02

@marianamoatedgrange haaaaaa!!! That actually made laugh out loud. I think im gonna print it. Its literally my life atm.
@mybrilliantmind @rantyanty sorry your relationships didnt survive... still cant believe how fast they turn on us! I literally font know my dp (or xdp) anymore.

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 19/10/2019 19:39

I supported him through it.
It was hard.
He didn't make sense.
BUT I changed. I wanted to.
This just gave me the push I needed.

I didn't judge.
Kept my mouth closed at some of the decisions but we've both grown through it and are better stronger people.

It was a difficult 2-3 years where we had grown distant and had to find our way back.

Now we are better and ever and very close again.

'For better and for worse' now you know what it means.

Notsurehow2handlethis · 19/10/2019 20:01

Mine had one at 30, affair, emotional & physical abuse, took to his bed, cut off all his hair- we (I) worked it out, basically I changed myself to suit the twat, became a SAHM at his request, saw less of friends and family
Another at 40, affair, destroyed his business, more abuse, blah blah- same, except I went back to work because I was sick of being called a whore for being a SAHM
Another at 50, lasted 2 years, more abuse, and when I refused to change (become a SAHM when youngest was already 15 amongst other things) yet again-left me for the OW from the affair at 40.
Wish I'd left when he was 40, am much happier now I dont have to walk on eggshells. Smile

MuseumOfYou · 19/10/2019 21:45

I supported him through it.
It was hard.
He didn't make sense.
BUT I changed. I wanted to.
This just gave me the push I needed

This! Tough but we've both changed. I like the new me!

ToEarlyForDecorations · 19/10/2019 21:55

I like the new me

Does he though ?

The post by Notsurehow2handlethis sums it up.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 19/10/2019 22:50

I think there needs to be a distinction between "abuse" and "midlife crisis". There will be a crossover, for sure - but not all men (and women, for that matter) who go through a midlife crisis are abusive.

Yes, they are selfish, self-destructive, sabotaging, impulsive, compulsive, regressive. But not necessarily abusive. This is worth noting.

Abusers haven't dealt with their childhoods. Those who are going through a midlife crisis haven't dealt with their mortality.

awishes · 19/10/2019 22:57

Divorced the bastard. I tried everything to make it work. Started as his 50th approached and I had every sympathy with his obvious turmoil.
OW didn't last long nor did the weight lost and smarter appearance.
By then it was my turn!
I'm lonely but less lonely than being in a poor relationship so it worked out ok.

Craftycorvid · 19/10/2019 23:05

For something that occasions often comical behaviour, the so-called ‘mid-life crisis’ is incredibly painful all round. Not just a male thing either! I went somewhat bonkers around the 42 mark and behaved like an adolescent on crack. I think what kept my relationship intact - though changed - was talking, compromise, more compromise and more talking. Good luck, OP Flowers

LannieDuck · 19/10/2019 23:16

I do pretty much everything at home and with kids

I think I would support him to make changes as long as he was still pulling his weight and not dumping it all on me.

Are you a SAHM, or do you both work FT?

Original poster
Startingoveragain1 · 19/10/2019 23:19

Some ladies here have fought the fight! I admire your resilience! I would fight til the end for better or worse but he wont. He has just told me we are done again, i said where r u gonna be movin to? (Cause u sure as hell not stayin here much longer...)he said he will be moving somewhere nearby so we can still do things together with me and kids. As if! What goes on in their heads? I have my closure. Im moving on now.

OP posts:
Grafittiqueen · 19/10/2019 23:21

As another poster said I'm not sure why people make such a joke of mid life crises as they're really painful.

I dealt with it as a bit of a joke, was probably a bit dismissive. We're probably not going to survive it.

What I wish I had done will not be Mumsnet approved. I wish I'd stroked his ego, stroked other parts, told him how great he looks, pulled him in to me, pulled him into our family. There might have been a chance then that he wouldn't have looked elsewhere for the validation he needed.

Embracelife · 19/10/2019 23:22

Start going to the gym yourself. Why should he get every evening off ? Stop pandering to him.
Every night he has in the gym you get one. 50 /50.

easterholidays · 19/10/2019 23:25

Mine had an affair and left. I was devastated at the time but when he wanted to come back a month later I realised how much better off I was without him. You will be too!

Original poster
Startingoveragain1 · 20/10/2019 07:11

@grafittiqueen dont look back with regret. Ive tried that, change myself to please him, bit my tongue way too many times, reassure him, compliment him. It made no difference. Ultimately what he is going through has nothing to do with me. Amd i cant fix it. You probably couldnt have either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingoveragain1 · 20/10/2019 07:18

@lannieduck we both work full time.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 20/10/2019 07:43

Mine had one once I had DD. He suddenly decided he didnt want this life, he didnt want to be a parent. I was on my own with a poorly DD who was in special care. We have just about got through it with individual and couples counselling. It's hard to get past the resentment though as I can forget the way I was treated. Just remember to look after yourself. I still have PND and PNA from the lack of support. I found RL support from friends with a good sense of humour and getting out to do what I wanted to do helpful. I actually went back to work early as DH was verging close to abusive. He has found a new job which has helped him feel that he has more direction. I was happy to be supportive but wouldn't be treated like crap whilst he went off to find himself and I'm glad I stuck to some clear boundaries.