Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not quite sure where this row has come from - what next?

59 replies

Bofster37 · 19/10/2019 13:01

Last night I was explaining something to DH about a group of people that annoy me because of the views they hold. Let’s pretend the views are that “all cats are evil,” and I disagree with this view.

He replied and during this conversation said “all cats are evil.” I said, “hang on just to clarify, YOU don’t think all cats are evil, you’re saying that these people think that, right?” He got really annoyed and said yes of course but then said twice more in conversation that “all cats are evil” but again didn’t qualify this by saying “these people think that all cats are evil.”

So I was like, ok yes I totally see your point but just to clarify again it’s not that YOU a think all cats are evil, you’re saying this group of people are saying that?

He got really angry and went to bed in a huff.

This morning I got up a few hours before him. He’s just come downstairs and totally blanked me. I gave it a few minutes and said ‘ok so are you not speaking to me then?’ He replied ‘well you’ve not spoken to me.’

I said, I can’t believe you’ve come down in a huff and you’re still grumpy with me. He replied that I “knew very well what I meant last night, you KNOW that I don’t think all cats are evil, but you because autistic and had to keep asking me, keep going on at me.”

I said “well I can’t prove to you what I was thinking or feeling but you said three times that “all cats are evil” and didn’t qualify it, so I was thinking that while I thought I knew your thoughts on the matter you might have changed your mind. I misinterpreted what you were saying and you misinterpreted what I was saying.”

He replied that “I didn’t misinterpret anything.”

Now it looks like we’re not talking. WTF has happened here? WTF do I do now???

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 19/10/2019 14:10

Jesus that conversation sounds like it was a lively and engaging conversation. Except not really, it sounds like it was totally awful.

It's like he was trying to engage in the conversation that you imitated and you decided to suddenly do a Jeremy Paxman on him.

I wouldn't be your biggest fan today either.

OkayGo · 19/10/2019 14:11

Go on then, who's it actually about

Underyoursky · 19/10/2019 14:13

It must be a really really important issue for a serious argument like that. Or you were both pissed and it was 2am.

Underyoursky · 19/10/2019 14:14

Just leave it now.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 19/10/2019 14:18

Why why why do you need to disguise what he actually said? At the moment I completely agree with him because all cats just are evil.

HariboStarmix · 19/10/2019 14:29

In my head your conversation went like this:
You: This group of people think all cats are evil... blah blah...
Him: All cats are evil
You:
Him: All cats are evil
You:
Him: All cats are evil

Which would be super weird. Surely he said some other things too so you understood why he said that phrase 3 times?

Bluntness100 · 19/10/2019 14:33

Does he really have to qualify it whenever he says it, even when it's minutes later, every single time?

That would annoy most people.

CinnabarRed · 19/10/2019 14:43

Yeah. Still on Team DH.

MitziK · 19/10/2019 14:48

I'm on Team Cat.

It's too confusing to be anywhere else.

ShippingNews · 19/10/2019 14:49

Why on earth can't you say what the conversation was actually about ? The evil cat thing is ridiculous.

quincejamplease · 19/10/2019 14:52

It would be easier to understand if you just gave the real examples. Surely the context of the conversation made his meaning clear?

Xiaoxiong · 19/10/2019 14:58

You shouldn't have needed the clarifications the second time. It was obvious that the whole "some people think that..." was implicit once he said that he himself doesn't think cats are evil.

If this was my marriage I would apologise for being too bloody literal and badgering DH, and he would apologise for getting the hump and being childish with the silent treatment, and I would apologise again and say that's fine and it's just that I felt very strongly that cats are not evil so I overreacted, and he would put the kettle on while saying "I mean of course cats aren't evil, you know I don't think they are and I'm sorry I wasn't clear" (knowing full well he was perfectly clear) and I would drink the tea and say "no you were clear, I'm sorry I was so pedantic" and all would be well. And if you play it right you can have lovely make-up sex afterwards!

Xiaoxiong · 19/10/2019 15:01

So basically I'm saying, go apologise first for being pedantic. And you might get luckyWink

Icantbelieveitsnotnutter · 19/10/2019 15:14

Were you astonished that dh had changed a lifelong opinion op? Were you concerned that he was suddenly agreeing with the others, not you?

AFairlyHardAvocado · 19/10/2019 15:18

God that sounds like hard work.

Totally agree, autism comment absolutely horrible.

Badgering him when he had already explained his thoughts horrible.

Maybe he just couldn't be arsed with the conversation anymore so didn't want to keep on about it.

My ex used to do this I felt like he was bullying me until I said exactly what he wanted me to say right down to the words I used. After a while I just couldn't be bothered.

Original poster
Bofster37 · 19/10/2019 15:33

Ok, I have gone and apologised. He ignored me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bofster37 · 19/10/2019 15:36

There’s a family lunch tomorrow so this will be great if he isn’t speaking to me Hmm

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 19/10/2019 15:36

Now he’s lost the moral high ground.

CinnabarRed · 19/10/2019 15:37

Now I’m on Team OP.

ElspethFlashman · 19/10/2019 15:42

Fair enough if he's annoyed but sulking well into the following afternoon is not on.

OP, this is your punishment. And I would say its excessive.

If he continues it into tomorrow, then it's grotesque.

Does he have form for the silent treatment?

WhiskeyLullaby · 19/10/2019 15:43

I think the subject of the conversation matters.

Some things are more important than others and being aligned with some views can be scarier/more worrying than others. I can think of a few subject where even the doubt that the other person might hold certain views can affect your feelings/thoughts about that person.

itsmecathycomehome · 19/10/2019 16:00

You sound exhausting and it sounds like he just wants to be left alone for a bit.

Can't you just back off and do something by yourself today?

If your apology was genuine and he's sulking to punish you, he's BU.

If your apology was half-arsed or you've been badgering him all morning or this sort of thing happens often, he's ignoring you because you're driving him up the wall and he just wants you to leave him alone.

rvby · 19/10/2019 16:06

You sound really annoying, both last night and today. He sounds fed up and like he can't get his annoyance in check so hes just trying to leave it for a while.

Next time, when you're having a discussion of viewpoints etc., remember that its actually fairly stressful for people to have debates and express their opinions. Cut them slack. Assume they are sensible.

Dont constantly interrupt to ask someone whether they hold a view that you've already told them annoys you Hmm it's not brain surgery ffs.

Hesafriendfromwork · 19/10/2019 16:14

It's funny. When women dont want to talk, they need space and their partner is a dick if they wont give them it.

Men dont want to talk and its sulking.

Just leave him alone. He is pissed off and probably just wants some space.

Londonsuffolkmummy · 19/10/2019 16:14

He sounds like a prick