A blip?

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NC for this as outing.

Been together 4 years, lived together for almost 2, bought a house together earlier this year. Got engaged in April, getting married next year.

He’s kind, funny and the best looking man I’ve ever seen in my life. Hugely supportive of me and constructive when he needs to be. I generally look forward to getting home and seeing him. He’s so laid back he’s horizontal, which counters my slight neurotic tendencies.

Unfortunately I think this laid back-ness has put us into a little rut. We’ve got into a horrible routine of home – dinner (which I usually cook but I generally don’t mind as I like cooking) – telly / nothing – bed. Weekends we either do nothing (occasional dinners or cinema), housework or I tend to go out with friends. It all feels a bit suffocating. We’re both up at 5am every day so it’s hard to do anything in the week, but this routine is boring me to death. Weekends we will only do something if I suggest it.

He’s getting sloppy around the house – while he tends to do his fair share, as well as jobs that I don’t like doing (cat litter, bins etc) or I can’t do (building shit), he leaves everything at his arse and I have to pick it up after him or it won’t get moved. Usually litter, coffee cups, that sort of thing. Leaves towels hanging over doors which annoys the fuck out of me. A trivial thing I know but all part of my current mood.

Our sex life had dwindled – we still fancy each other for sure, but this boring routine has sapped any want to DTD.

I have mentioned this feeling to him, I get an “ok babe” and he will arrange something / be more spontaneous / pick up after himself etc etc. It lasts a day or two then we’re back to square one.

I want to marry him and I want to be with him but I can’t carry on in this rut. Reading this back it all sounds hugely trivial, but I feel it’s actually affecting my mental wellbeing.

Is counselling a step too far? How can I kick he (and I) up the arse and get things fun again? Or is this just a 4 year itch?

Sounds like a normal life to me. Maybe you have higher hopes due to seeing Tv shows or FB posts that make people think life is quite wild and exciting . Unless you have lots of money, it isn't .
Maybe have a chat about the towels in doors and trail of litter to let him know it annoys you. Encourage him to promt you on what you do that annoys him too, so it's not all one way ( men call this nagging )
Key to any relationship is honesty, tact and talking .

I'm definitely not that impressionable... I'm mid 30's, been married before and I do not believe a word of what goes on social media.

Maybe I do have high expectations or standards, but it would be nice to get at least a few expectations partially met. I would like to still think we can have exciting times together. They just seem to have disappeared.

Yes, and I am VERY wary of nagging.

OP I’ve basically posted an identical post without seeing yours first - you sound like me!! I am intrigued to read the responses here.

@666onmyhead I have basically the same problem and as much as I hate to admit it I do think social media affects me in this way - I am so sick of seeing sappy ‘date night’ photos and feeling like I’m the only person in a rut.

Although I am not married I see all my married friends do the same as you do. I think this is very normal? My life is very different as I choose to stay single and my life means I am always out and about with friends, theatre, gigs and dating. I always invite my married friends and we have a hoot together, there is so much out there for people to do especially at the weekend. Try and start to organise weekends in advance, just google things that are on at the weekend, invite friends to come along and do stuff with you. If I dont fancy going out I host dinner parties or just a cheese and wine supper for my girlfriends. You dont have to fall into the abyss of domestic boredom. Get out there and organise stuff, you will be amazed what there is to do that doesn't cost much too. If you dont do this you will get really bored. Life is for living.

Was going to say similar to litterbird. Why dont you organise something? Surprise him with a weekend away or just a night out, break the monotony.

I'm pretty fed up of organising the things we do. When we do go out we always have a good time, but it's at my insistence.

I wasn't in the best of moods last night and i said something about romance, he laughed and rambled on about how he'd cooked me dinner, run me a bath, poured me a drink for when I got home... all a joke obviously because he didn't do it.

I don't meant to seem ungrateful because he is a good man, he looks after me and I love the bones of him. Maybe I just need to come to terms with the fact that this is the way it is.

I think you may be right, I have thought about all my married friends, many of them on 2nd and 3rd marriages and they all have the same theme. They do exactly as you do day in day out. It is always the wife in the relationship that does the social calendar. Actually last week one of my friends was fed up with organising so ranted at her husband. He took her out to dinner because she asked him to organise it. I just think this is marriage for many people. Men seem to settle down very quickly in a domestic setting and enjoy being fed and watered, dont have to do the washing or ironing and get happy with it. Have you asked your husband if he is bored out of his head too?? You maybe surprised that he sees you both in a rut.

Honestly — men are usually really boring to life with! Women are loads more fun. I lived with my cousin when I was temporarily in-between husbands 😆 and it was AWESOME. We’d have beauty nights, do exercise DVDs, rearrange a room, cook stuff, read great books, watch inspiring or uplifting TV...

I’ve lived with men as housemates in my teens and 20s, and as husbands in my 30s and currently (40s). Men just aren’t like us.

Why did your first marriage end?

This pretty much is how marriage is.

Men are pretty boring. I've been married 2x and lived with male platonic housemates. The housemates were single and all they did was go out and try to pick up someone to sleep with; otherwise, they were glued to the tv or video games. Dirty and boring.

After you have DC, if you decide to, it's more of the same plus the exhaustion of running around and cleaning up after them too.

I think if I was up at 4am daily I would not want to do much other than sleep each weekend. Are you not both just exhausted.
Our weekends consist of jobs mostly unless we are asked out. we might push the boat out and go shopping sometimes but would only go to the cinema/out for a meal if an occasion as too expensive. Sounds like normal life.

@vdbfamily yes exhaustion is a big factor. I have a 3 and a bit hour commute every day, DP slightly better. He should have a new job soon with a shift pattern that means he won't be here as many evenings or weekends, in a way I'm quite looking forward to it - a bit of alone time for both of us and the chance to spend quality time together when he's home.

I think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill / being a bit of a princess 🙄

Carry on with your days! 😆

He should have a new job soon with a shift pattern that means he won't be here as many evenings or weekends, , in a way I'm quite looking forward to it

Do you not think he might not be the right person?

I mean, he’s boring you senseless before the wedding. This don’t get better.

My DH lives like this but I don’t mind! It’s not getting to me. But it’s getting to you.

Sounds depressing and draining

Leaving towels over the door that's LTB terroirty

I know you love him but is this really what you want for the rest of your life? He's sounds more like a friend than a partner. Being bored shitless is soul destroying. Maybe couples counselling will help. I can't help wondering what will happen if you meet someone else who doesn't set the bar so low.

....and i said something about romance, he laughed and rambled on about how he'd cooked me dinner, run me a bath, poured me a drink for when I got home... all a joke obviously because he didn't do it.

That’s pretty arrogant of him.

Honestly, life doesn't have to be like this. You are bored already and you aren't even married yet...!

If i were you, I would plan stuff with friends at the weekend; hobbies, theatre, lunches, clothes shopping etc. That will make you feel a bit happier/more enthused about life and may give him a well-needed jolt!

If he doesn't change, I would seriously start to think about whether or not he is the right one for you.

I’m not sure why anyone would choose to live with a man like this. So boring. You have a choice. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? My husbands idea of a fun weekend is going to do a shop at Tesco. We aren’t even 40 yet. If we didn’t have the kids I’d be gone. Go find somebody more interesting or spend the rest of your life regretting it like me.

are those of you who are suggesting this relationship is over, seriously saying that if you were up at 5am every morning, you would want a fun filled weekend rather than just sleep. Surely this is more about the circumstances than the personalities. Out of interest, other than couples who share a hobby, how many couples spend their weekends doing anything other than laundry, housework, gardening, DIY, giving lifts to children, checking on elderly relatives, and then slumping in front of the telly to recover. I had a recent flurry of weekends away which were all lovely but meant I was not at home for 6 weekend s in a row. Whilst each event was lovely, it was incredibly stressful to have no time at home and I am once again glad to have not much on the calendar.

We spend weekends doing stuff - seeing friends, going out for lunch, exploring places we haven't been before, walking, visiting local attractions and events. Laundry, DIY, housework, gardening etc is all done on an ad hoc basis during the week.

Everyone is different though.

The OP obviously wants more from her relationship, and if I was bored rigid, I would confront him and discuss ways of making life together interesting and enjoyable, or I'd walk away.

We’ve got into a horrible routine of home – dinner (which I usually cook but I generally don’t mind as I like cooking) – telly / nothing – bed. Weekends we either do nothing (occasional dinners or cinema), housework or I tend to go out with friends. It all feels a bit suffocating. We’re both up at 5am every day so it’s hard to do anything in the week, but this routine is boring me to death.

We’ve been together approximately the same length of time as you. What you describe as a horrible routine is pretty identical to our routine, which both of us are happy with! You sound generally kinda dissatisfied with life.

If we have nothing specific planned then usually I’ll make plans with friends while he stays home and relaxes as my idea of an enjoyable relaxing weekend is getting out and doing things whereas his is being able to just sit for twelve hours straight on the computer (he has a very stressful intense busy job during the week).

But I don’t resent him for it, i accept we both prefer to relax differently on a weekend, I don’t see it as up to him to provide weekend entertainment as I’m more than capable of doing it myself, are you possibly looking to him to fill your time/entertain you a bit too much? What’s to stop you from planning an ace weekend and come to an agreement where one in every three or four weekends you do something nice together?

We don’t do anything together on an evening after work as he’s just too tired, but again if I want to be off doing stuff I just go. Pub quizzes with friends, book club, coffee with a friend straight from work, mooching around the shops, etc. But when I’m home and he’s home I really love his company and am always delighted to see him, I don’t resent him for not wanting to do everything I want to do as long as we do some stuff together. From what I can gather most relationships I see are similar.

I don’t honestly think he’s the man for you though if you’re this frustrated and resentful already. Maybe you’d be better suited to someone who is always wanting to be on the go and wants to share everything he does with you, but that comes with its own issues too.

I dunno, I’d listen to your gut. You don’t sound thrilled to be marrying this guy, only a few years in. You sound like you’re trying to talk yourself into being happy with him because you’re invested and have a house and he’s good on paper.

are those of you who are suggesting this relationship is over, seriously saying that if you were up at 5am every morning, you would want a fun filled weekend rather than just sleep. Surely this is more about the circumstances than the personalities.

Yep lol. I relax much better when I am doing things I enjoy. On a weekend even after a very busy week I feel much happier and more relaxed getting up at a decent time, getting ready and going out somewhere than I do just lazing around the house. I find it really detrimental to my mental health having lazy weekends as I just feel like I’ve wasted the day and get more and more sluggish and don’t really enjoy whatever I’m doing at home. Don’t mind the odd half a day in the house but to me a weekend of sleeping and lounging in the house leaves me feeling really depressed and like I’ve wasted my days off.

Everyone is different though, my husband is the opposite and after an intense week his idea of relaxation is being able to wake up whenever, eat whatever, sit on the PC for hours, that’s pretty much it. Which is fine, loads of people are like that. We both like a lot of time alone too (though I definitely need more time with my friends than he does his). So generally on a weekend if we don’t have plans I’ll just make my own and really enjoy going off alone and seeing friends or doing whatever and leaving him to his alone time in the house. We both finish the weekend feeling rested and fulfilled that way.