Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I unreasonable for being angry, after finding my bf talking to another girl?

36 replies

Midnightclouds · 19/10/2019 03:13

So my boyfriend and I decided to go out with 5 other friends of his to a clubbing event. Among those 5 friends, there is 1 couple, 3 singles (1 female, 2 males) with 1 male recently became single.

When we got to the club my bf jokingly told me that he is going to be a wingman for the recently single friend. That friend then started to drag my bf off around the club and I was left just with the couple who I know but still feel a bit uncomfortable and upset that my bf just ran off like that. Every time I come across my bf and that friend they always in the rush to run off somewhere else, seem like they’re having a blast, while I’m left feeling angry that I’m all alone. I don’t remember how long it was but the couple ask me where my bf went and I said not sure, they suggest we go looking for the others, I agree.

When we finally found the two guys, I saw his friend was talking to a group of people while my bf was standing there talking to this girl alone. At that moment I felt so upset and angry, like he left me all night and now found him talking to some random chick at the club. We walked over, bf all smile and say hey, I couldn’t hold in how angry I was so I turn around and said I’m leaving, he chased after me and this is our conversation:

Bf: what’s wrong?
Me: You left me all night and now I see this.
Bf: I didn’t leave you alone, you were with other friends.
Me: Yeah, but they’re a couple and I was alone the whole night.
Bf: My friend is sad from the break up, so I’m only trying to help.
Me: what about that girl you happily talking and flirting with?
Bf: You’re being unreasonable now, I wasn’t flirting and only talking to her about Europe since she from there, so I can get an idea of where to go when I take you. You wouldn’t act this way if it was a guy him taking to.
Me: Of course I wouldn’t cause there is a different.
Bf: It was (friend name) who approached that girl and then he got distracted talking to other people.
Me: It doesn’t matter, you’re the one end up alone talking to her. You didn’t even bother to look for me once.
Bf: I did try to find you but couldn’t see you anywhere.

Me: I’m leaving, m I’m done being here and alone.
Bf: I’ll leave with you then if that’s what you want.
Me: Just stay with your girl who you had so much fun talking to.
Bf: There is nothing going on, so now I can’t even talk to people without you being mad and jealous. Don’t cause a scene and know that I love you, you shouldn’t be worry.

Then one of his other friends that disappeared all night got kicked out of the club for some reason, so we all left. I was still feel very upset, but I just left it at that.

The next night when he stayed over at my place. He left his fb logged in while he went for a shower and I saw that friend of his msging him talking about that night at the club. I know I shouldn’t of snoop but I let my curiosity take over and scroll through the msgs. The msgs between them with his friend saying “oh that European chick was so hot that night”, my bf go “I so could of got with her, if I wanted to, she was interested, but too bad I’m taken”. I don’t know how I suppose to feel, upset that he enjoyed talking to that girl and think she hot or glad that he know he has a gf and wouldn’t cheat on me.

Am I being unreasonable for being upset that night when I found him talking to that girl? Was he right about me overreacting? It just so hurt to not see your bf all night and to finally found him and he happily chatting to another girl and didn’t think to look for me all night.

OP posts:
Underyoursky · 19/10/2019 03:21

That’s very disrespectful behaviour. He acted like you weren’t even there so he could go off and enjoy himself. I think you did the right thing in leaving.

Sadiesnakes · 19/10/2019 03:24

Was this at the over 12's disco?...

Candle1000 · 19/10/2019 03:26

You sound very young, relationships should be fun , it sounds as if this isn’t fun for you, so I would end it, spend some time working on yourself and go out and have a good time with friends .

outherealone · 19/10/2019 03:28

Ugh this happened to me years ago when I was young. The bf said ‘she was really sad about splitting up with her boyfriend’. He kept disappearing to talk to her all night and at the end I caught them slow dancing together. Everyone was giving me putting looks but I wasn’t assertive enough to say anything, plus it was his Mum’s wedding reception so I didn’t want to make a scene.
Incidentally, his dad was married to a friend of mine and at an NYE party the dad (father of my boyfriend and husband of one of my best friends) tried to snog me when we were outside alone having a cigarette.
I never told my friend as she knew he had form and again I was not assertive enough and she already knew he was a cheat so nothing really to gain. She died of cancer a few years later and he was stacking up with other women while she was in hospital. She knew it too. Absolutely heartbreaking as she was a very lovely and loving woman.
I found out later that the dad ‘tried it on’ with all his son’s girlfriends so it was no wonder his son was a creep too!

outherealone · 19/10/2019 03:29

Pitying looks, not putting...Hmm

Midnightclouds · 19/10/2019 03:47

@Underyoursky that how I felt the whole night, like why am I even here. Keep trying to tell myself to be the nice gf and let him help out his friends.

@Sadiesnakes that wasn’t the place

@Candle1000 We’re both in our early 20s, were been together for about 2yrs now. I didn’t have fun what night, was very upset and angry. He hugged me after we left the club, try to reassured me that he only love me and I shouldn’t doubt that.

@outherealone it really sad what happened to you, I hate how men always seem to have a reason for doing the things they did and make you feel you can’t intervene. I’m sorry to hear about your friend situation, what a heartbreaking situation to be in. I just don’t see how can some people do stuff like that without even feeling any guilt or shame.

OP posts:
Starstruck2020 · 19/10/2019 03:57

Immature and rude. Good on you for standing up for yourself. More women should. Do see it as a warning sign though that he may not be “all that”

BitOfFun · 19/10/2019 04:01

It really shouldn't be this hard. You are young, attractive, you have a lot to offer...you need to think hard here about whether this is how you want to feel. He sounds fairly immature and not much of a catch to me.

snowbear66 · 19/10/2019 05:39

Very disrespectful. He sounds easily led by his friend.
You are young,I would mentally step back a bit from this relationship now and get out with my friends more.

PulpPixie · 19/10/2019 06:36

Overreacted and I’d run a mile
From you

Monty27 · 19/10/2019 06:46

You sound insecure. Your bf probably didn't realise that. He may not view you as who he thought you were.
That could be a good or a bad thing.
I hope it gets sorted between you both.
It's just getting to know each other I guess. I'd give him that one so to speak.
He does sound like he cares deeply about you and got carried away putting his friend before you.
He probably won't do it again.
Flowers

MsTSwift · 19/10/2019 06:52

He basically humiliated you. His behaviour doesn’t indicate that he wants to be in a relationship. Unless this is a total out of character one off I would consider ending it

munzero · 19/10/2019 06:55

I'd be annoyed too, OP! You might not have physically been alone but they're his friends not yours and he left you all night. He obviously enjoyed talking to this girl. Telling his friend he could've had her if he wanted her is bizarre when you've got a girlfriend - if it was an innocent chat about Europe it wouldn't have crossed his mind. Behaviour of a scoundrel.

FreezingMySocksOff · 19/10/2019 07:30

Every time I come across my bf and that friend they always in the rush to run off somewhere else, seem like they’re having a blast,

That's because he didn't want to be with you. He wanted to avoid you all night. Nothing wrong with not wanting your partner to go clubbing with you (I have never taken a boyfriend or my husband out clubbing). But he should have been honest and just told you not to come!

As for chatting to the girl, I don't think a chat is that bad. It doesn't mean he is looking to cheat. What is worse is his total lack of respect for you in taking you out, leaving/avoiding you all night and THEN spending the night chatting to other women. It's the mix of events that would have pissed me off.

adaline · 19/10/2019 07:38

I don't see a problem with him chatting to a girl, nor do I see a problem with you splitting up over the night and hanging out separately - you don't need to be together all night, especially if there's a big group of you out together like there was.

However his attitude stinks and his comments to his friend are just disrespectful towards you. I agree with PP that you both sound very young and perhaps he was just wanting a night out with his mates and didn't really want his girlfriend tagging along - and that's okay but he really should have been honest about it.

bluecard · 19/10/2019 07:42

I wouldn't be happy with that op.

SprinkleDash · 19/10/2019 07:53

@Sadiesnakes Was this at the over 12's disco?

Exactly my thoughts!!! OP what he did was a bit childish to be honest but you don’t sound ready to be in a relationship! It shouldn’t be like this and if we’re you I’d be single while I grew up a bit!

Candace19 · 19/10/2019 07:53

I would really not be happy & I suspect if it was the other way round, your bf wouldn't be too pleased either.

Who knows if he would have pursued it if you weren't in the building ?

Candle1000 · 19/10/2019 07:58

The next night when he stayed over at my place

I thought he lived with you at your parents ? Hmm

Midnightclouds · 19/10/2019 08:06

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. I am a bit insecure I think, something I need to work on myself.

Actually he was the one that insist on me coming clubbing with him. Sometimes, if it just his friends who I don't know well going, I would tell him to just go and have fun without me, but he would get annoy and say I never go clubbing/drinking with him, that he want me there. Even when we at the club most of the time if he run off I wouldn't mind because i was with people I know, but this time I feel really alone and he didn't even check up on me once. It wasn't even a big group since it was just me and the couple dancing together all night.

I do feel humiliated and disrespected. When we found him, the couple that was with me would look at me and said "I'm sure its nothing", why would they say that to me, its like they feel sorry for me that my bf is talking to another girl, it just make me feel really upset.

OP posts:
SprinkleDash · 19/10/2019 08:13

I think you embarrassed yourself @Midnightclouds by reacting the way you did. It’s all very immature and ridiculous. This kind of behaviour doesn’t exist in healthy relationships. I don’t think you’re ready to be with someone else. You shouldn’t bring insecurities/emotional baggage etc into a relationship. That’s nobody’s problem but your own.

Happyspud · 19/10/2019 08:18

You wouldn’t have reacted like that if it was a guy he was talking to about Europe....

😂😂😂 at the thought of him giving his full attention to some stranger guy in a club to have a long chat about Europe. Wouldn’t happen.

Midnightclouds · 19/10/2019 08:18

@Candle1000 This happened about a month before he moved in, but we had a fight recently and he said that I'm controlling, don't listen to anyone but myself and I'm easily jealous just like back then when I got annoyed that he was just casually talking to that European girl. He said I was in the wrong that night and there was nothing going on.

Now I feel like I was in the wrong that night, questioning whether I did overreacted and just feel really guilty. The scenario of that night keep playing back in my head and I just wanted to get advice on here, maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that it was reasonable for me to get upset.

OP posts:
Midnightclouds · 19/10/2019 08:28

@SprinkleDash I think because its my first proper relationship, I don't know how to react when certain things happen. I acted a lot on my emotions and not with a clear head. I know I still have a lot to learn and to improve on myself. Sometimes I just don't know what is ok and what not ok.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 19/10/2019 08:30

Oh dear. I wouldn't be happy either OP. And now he's trying to say it's all about you being wrong. It will only get worse..

He's shown you who he is, believe him, or prepare for this to happen again, and again.

Swipe left for the next trending thread