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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I unreasonable for being angry, after finding my bf talking to another girl?

36 replies

Midnightclouds · 19/10/2019 03:13

So my boyfriend and I decided to go out with 5 other friends of his to a clubbing event. Among those 5 friends, there is 1 couple, 3 singles (1 female, 2 males) with 1 male recently became single.

When we got to the club my bf jokingly told me that he is going to be a wingman for the recently single friend. That friend then started to drag my bf off around the club and I was left just with the couple who I know but still feel a bit uncomfortable and upset that my bf just ran off like that. Every time I come across my bf and that friend they always in the rush to run off somewhere else, seem like they’re having a blast, while I’m left feeling angry that I’m all alone. I don’t remember how long it was but the couple ask me where my bf went and I said not sure, they suggest we go looking for the others, I agree.

When we finally found the two guys, I saw his friend was talking to a group of people while my bf was standing there talking to this girl alone. At that moment I felt so upset and angry, like he left me all night and now found him talking to some random chick at the club. We walked over, bf all smile and say hey, I couldn’t hold in how angry I was so I turn around and said I’m leaving, he chased after me and this is our conversation:

Bf: what’s wrong?
Me: You left me all night and now I see this.
Bf: I didn’t leave you alone, you were with other friends.
Me: Yeah, but they’re a couple and I was alone the whole night.
Bf: My friend is sad from the break up, so I’m only trying to help.
Me: what about that girl you happily talking and flirting with?
Bf: You’re being unreasonable now, I wasn’t flirting and only talking to her about Europe since she from there, so I can get an idea of where to go when I take you. You wouldn’t act this way if it was a guy him taking to.
Me: Of course I wouldn’t cause there is a different.
Bf: It was (friend name) who approached that girl and then he got distracted talking to other people.
Me: It doesn’t matter, you’re the one end up alone talking to her. You didn’t even bother to look for me once.
Bf: I did try to find you but couldn’t see you anywhere.

Me: I’m leaving, m I’m done being here and alone.
Bf: I’ll leave with you then if that’s what you want.
Me: Just stay with your girl who you had so much fun talking to.
Bf: There is nothing going on, so now I can’t even talk to people without you being mad and jealous. Don’t cause a scene and know that I love you, you shouldn’t be worry.

Then one of his other friends that disappeared all night got kicked out of the club for some reason, so we all left. I was still feel very upset, but I just left it at that.

The next night when he stayed over at my place. He left his fb logged in while he went for a shower and I saw that friend of his msging him talking about that night at the club. I know I shouldn’t of snoop but I let my curiosity take over and scroll through the msgs. The msgs between them with his friend saying “oh that European chick was so hot that night”, my bf go “I so could of got with her, if I wanted to, she was interested, but too bad I’m taken”. I don’t know how I suppose to feel, upset that he enjoyed talking to that girl and think she hot or glad that he know he has a gf and wouldn’t cheat on me.

Am I being unreasonable for being upset that night when I found him talking to that girl? Was he right about me overreacting? It just so hurt to not see your bf all night and to finally found him and he happily chatting to another girl and didn’t think to look for me all night.

OP posts:
SprinkleDash · 19/10/2019 08:41

I appreciate that. But if you trust him, genuinely and he’s given you no reason not to then try to relax a bit. Remember it’s about intention. For example talking to another woman or even having a glance at an attractive woman in the street is perfectly normal. It’s what he does after that that defines if it’s wrong.

For example does he get her number and text her non-stop afterwards? Does he sneak off around the back of the club with her? Do you find out he’s met up with her after that night?

OR does he give you a big smile and be pleased to see you like your guy did?

ChristmasFluff · 19/10/2019 09:50

OP, your last update had some alarm bells start ringing for me.

People who are genuinely being controlled take a long time to realise it - but controlling abusers often use the accusation 'you are controlling me' when you are simply asking for considerate behaviour. Calling someone 'controlling' can be a form of control!

You are perfect prey for an abuser because of your insecurities and your penchant for drama - your actions at the nightclub show that.

Specifically:
Never walk out as a challenge to another person - a test to see if they follow you, or a punishment. When you leave during an argument, do it saying you need space (if you do), or that you need a change of scene (if you do), or you want them to come and talk as you walk (if you do).

Ditto the 'go back and talk to that girl' - again, you were throwing out a test and not acting true to yourself.

Whenever you aren't acting true to your own feelings and desires, you are creating drama - it's usually learned behaviour, and pretty easy to change once you properly decide to do it.

Toxic people won't decide to change ever though - because they love drama and feed off it.

What he did was not respectful - if he wouldn't treat a friend like that then why would he treat you like it? I'm not a clingy type at all, and have often gone out in groups with or without a partner. The usual way of acting is to spend some time with others, but to keep on popping back to the people you came with - because surely the whole point of a night out is to share the experience. He was only sharing it with his mate.

I've been a wing-woman too, and again, the 'popping back to my partner/friend/whoever' is the perfect 'out' when the singleton gets chatting to someone.

Personally, I don't care who a boyfriend chats to in a club, but how he treats me is crucial, and I've called out a bloke who ignored me all night in a club - and the relationship didn't last long.

thing about if the way he treats you is the way you want to be treated. If not, you know what you have to do. Love isn't fancy words - it's backing those words up with actions.

BIWI · 19/10/2019 10:00

Both of your only threads on Mumsnet show just how immature both of you are. But particularly how this is not the 'man' for you.

Get rid of him.

RLEOM · 19/10/2019 12:41

After reading his messages, I would leave the bastard! "But too bad I'm taken" what the fwuck! Asshole.

Everafter1 · 19/10/2019 16:53

No you're not being unreasonable.

He left you all night & when you find him he's chatting to a girl who he believes was interested in him. To make matters worse he's sending a "damn it I could've had her" message to his friend.

He'll twist this to make sure you're it's you who comes across as the one who's in the wrong. Totally deflecting from his own actions. Manipulating.

It's not good when someone won't take accountability for their own actions.

whatdoesthefishthink · 19/10/2019 17:41

I don’t think you’re in the wrong here. He dumped you with someone else and was off chatting up another woman (he admitted he fancied her - he wasn’t just being polite for his mates sake).
I think you should give your relationship some careful thought. Do you really want to be treated like this? You’re very young and there are lots of decent men - don’t put up with any crap.

EKGEMS · 19/10/2019 18:53

Don't listen to the bitchy comments finding fault with you OP your boyfriend wanted to act like a single dude trawling for women at a club and the FB messenger messages proves it! You didn't do anything wrong some of the previous posters sound like ducking stepford wives

DonKeyshot · 19/10/2019 19:33

He's gaslighting you and has got you doubting what you've seen with your own eyes.

Dump him and move on.

Witchinaditch · 19/10/2019 20:21

It sounds like your relationship is winding down, you’re both young he sounds very immature and probably not ready for a commitment. Sorry op it sounds to me like he was loving the attention and probably thinking about being single again.

Midnightclouds · 21/10/2019 10:55

@ChristmasFluff Thank you for your insightful comments. I think in anger I wanted to test him, that’s why I said what I did, but you’re right I should of stay true to myself. I really didn’t mind him helping his friend out, but I do appreciate if he could of pop back once a while, like you mentioned which is a normal thing to do.

OP posts:
Midnightclouds · 21/10/2019 10:57

When I confronted him about his msg to his friend, I told him that seeing what he wrote really hurt me and what happened that night I was not in the wrong for being upset since clearly, he was interested in her. He then told me he wasn’t and the message between him and his friend are only guys talk, how they like to blow things up to make themselves sounds good but its not true. Then he points out to me that he said to his friend that he is taken, so of course he knows not to do anything stupid. That I should of trust him more.
I was still upset so I told him that if it was me who he saw talking to random guy at a club, he wouldn’t be happy either, but then he said he would be fine with it because he trusts me. Which is so not true, because a few months ago when we were at a club my bf wonder off with his friends and I stay back with mine, a guy approached me and started talking to me, next minute I know, my bf pulled me toward him and kissed me, like proving a point that I have a bf to the other guy. So, for him to say he wouldn’t get upset, I don’t’ believe that.

I know I deserve to be treated better, I wish he didn’t change so much. He was not like this when we first started dating. I think I just need some times to clear my head and think about everything that happened so far.

OP posts:
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