When DH's friends are not my friends

[soconfusedaboutfriends]

Another evening in, spent arguing with DH 😩

We’ve been married for a decade but we are quite different people. He’s an only child and an extrovert; I have three siblings, have an anxiety disorder and an am introvert. (That said, I work in a high-powered job - only mentioned to show that I can deal with others in certain circumstances!)

DH has a LOT of friends - gathered from years of being that extrovert. He gets his kicks from spending time with them; I completely understand this and never, ever tell him that he can’t go out whenever he wants. He is free to go out whenever he likes.

The trouble is that he expects me to keep up. Being brutally honest, there are about a third of his friends that I actually enjoy spending time with - those he met later in life I can really relate to. He’s eight years younger than me, and I really struggle with those he went to school with.

Really, they are such nice people but I feel like I have so little in common with them that I really struggle to make conversation. They have never been anything but lovely to me, but there’s just no friend spark (if that makes sense). I have tried - really I have - but I couldn’t maintain a friendship with them if it weren’t for DH. Part of the issue is that they live a bit of a distance away so he wants us to spend a day or two with them - this is so hard for me as an introvert who thrives on my own space.

Anyway....... the fact that I'd rather not spend a day or two with them (his other friends are fine) is causing massive ructions. I would so much rather stay at home than go out and stay with them (although I have NEVER stopped him meeting whoever he wants or going away for as long as he wants).

I hate the fact that my introversion is considered antisocial but his extroversion is fine. I’ve been told in the past that I ruin his life (😳).

How much does everyone else go out when their partner wants them to, even if they don’t want to? I get the give and take of relationships- really I do. But where do you draw the line between your partner’s needs and your own?!

I’m so confused. I no longer know if I am being unreasonable or not 😩

Why do his preferences for joint leisure trump yours?
Why can’t he see them on his own?

YDNBU

This ^^ made me cry 😢

because he said that he's worried they will think I don't like them. It's not that - really it isn't

DH and I have a few friends in common (both individuals and couples) but a lot of our friendships are separate. I can't imagine having to spend a day or two with most of DH's friends except on occasion, and I'm sure he feels the same.

How often do you socialise with your DH's friends? Is it almost never or do you make the effort from time to time? Do they all socialise with their partners as well- does your DH somehow feel left out of this dynamic?

It doesn’t matter if he does feel left out. He doesn’t get to dictate what OP does in her leisure time. Of course it’s nice to compromise and make the effort for one another sometimes but it shouldn’t be forced and it shouldn’t be all the time.

OP, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry. His way isn’t automatically “right”, although he seems to be assuming so.

Can you have a serious chat and agree on say 1 weekend a month you’ll do whatever his choice is, 1 weekend he’ll do your and then the other 2 yours both free to do as you please?

Ps it doesn’t matter if they think you hate them! You shouldn’t be forced in doing something you don’t like because of the chance someone else might think something.
That’s lunacy!

I definitely make the effort from time to time - i go to all weddings, big parties and so on. I do know them fairly well.

I just feel the pressure to go EVERY time. My husband makes comments about them taking offence about me not being there, and then I feel guilty for not wanting to go.

It genuinely isn't that I don't like them - I really do - I just hate the pressure of having to go to stop them/my husband from being offended

If DP wanted me to spend time with his friends then I would, just as he would for me, even though I wouldn't ask him to!

@Bodear thank you 😊

Just to clarify - there are about one third of his friends that I love and spend lots of time
with!! It's just the others (the older friends) that I have less in common with...

I have a huge social family (on both parents sides) my dp is the most anti social person I've met.

We have an agreement that he can pick and choose attending family gatherings as long as he comes to two, the Christmas party (dad's side) and the summer party (mum's side)

It's common knowledge in the family that he isn't a social person, and it's become a fully accepted fact over the 6 years we've been together because when he does attend he will get involved and talk to everyone and will have a laugh, but it mentally drains him as an introvert.

He doesn't socialise with my friends very often, maybe once or twice a year, where as I see them once a month.
He sees his friends every few months.

Sorry posted early

Could you work a compromise like that?

I hate my DH's friends, genuinely do not like them and spend no time with them. DH goes and sees them on his own. It's not fun for me (also massive introvert) and he probably has a better time on his own. Has not been a problem for us.

I don't care if they are offended tbh, they are all arseholes and I really have to gee myself up to even see my own friends who I really like, because actually I just like being on my own as much as possible. DH understands I don't like his friends and is happy to see them on his own. My friends understand I'm a weirdo and like my own company.

It's all kind of OK.

Thank you all for your feedback. Sometimes it feels as though DH cares more about what his friends think about us, than what would make me most comfortable. I guess that's a bigger issue

I do feel like I'm forever thinking of him and his friends and he think that, because I'm an introvert, my needs are somehow less important

Yanbu.
If your dh actually thinks you ruin his life over this he needs to get a grip?
Is he nice otherwise? Otherwise I'd have a rethink op. If he can't tolerate your differences in a pleasant way he's being a dick.

he's worried they will think I don't like them.

Why is he more worried about what they think ... than your preferences. ?

Is he other wise a good, kind, decent person ? Are there any other frictions between you. ?

It's not about being a perfect match for each other, it's about how you deal with the differences. Respect for each other's point of view goes a long way to a happy relationship.

He can be.... challenging. So for example tonight I said that I didn't want to spend the weekend with his friends in a couple of weeks' time (perfectly politely!) The response
I got was "so that means never again then?" That upset me for its aggressiveness and complete shutting me down (and it felt that I was being blamed!)...

You're his partner not his parent. If he's such a extrovert and 'your ruining his life', tell him to grow up and pull on his big boy pants. You aren't joined at the hip and presumably he is capable of having fun without you there. Does he ever seem to show off or play up in front of his friends where you're there? I think the problem with some 'extroverts' is they're actually pretty insecure underneath it.

@FinallyHere frictions yes - we went through a bad patch a few years ago when he had (I think) an emotional affair. We have come through it but maybe the bad stuff is still lurking. I am an empath and grew up appeasing an aggressive father - maybe there Is something still there in terms of my appeasement

@HUZZAH212 yes I think you're right and that he is insecure. I am (conversely!!!) very confident - I'm an outgoing introvert.

He needs to grow up.

That's it really. You're not in the wrong and you're not doing anything wrong. He's acting like a spoiled self centred brat.

I struggle to imagine anything worse than being forced to spend an entire weekend socialising with my DH's friends, and I even like them! They just aren't my friends and I'm quite introverted so would honestly rather stay home in peace. I have gone to their weddings and kids birthday parties etc., I am polite, but it ends there. Not my friends.

Tell your DH to grow up and stop being such a tit.

Hi OP. This is an issue I've been thinking about myself lately.

DH and I share a lot of our friends and we're happy seeing them together. However, he has some work friends I really have nothing in common with. I feel that it's fair enough that I attend work dos to support him but when it spills over into anything beyond that I'd really rather not.

For example, one of his work friends invited us to join him and his wife for the weekend, to go to a concert and stay at their house. I don't much enjoy music and although he and his wife are perfectly nice, we are very different and not interested in the same things.

So we spent a lot of money travelling, going to the concert and taking them out for a meal and I was polite and friendly and it was OK but I would so much rather have been at home reading a book.

I'm getting older and I don't really want to do stuff I don't really want to do. But DH says we "have to" accept such invitations or his friends will be offended. So I get your pain.

None of which helps you .. except that it's occurred to me that a useful hobby which sometimes involves commitments at the weekend might be found. If there's a convincing excuse for you not to participate in these get-togethers your DH can offer his friends would that help?

YANBU. Tell your DH that after a decade of marriage he & his friends know you well enough by now to know that you're an introvert & don't go in for socialising in the same way/to the same extent as an extrovert does & everyone knows perfectly well that this in no way means you don't like them. Tell him he's being a drama queen over nothing.
If he's off to visit them all you need to say is "That's nice dear. Say hello for me & that I hope you all have a lovely time"
Have some , and a few , and don't let yourself get upset over it. He's the one with the problem - and acting like the entitled only child - not you.

Hi OP,

I had a thread on here recently but the roles were reversed with my DH being the more introverted party. My frustrations came from (what I perceived to be) a lack of trying on his part.

You sound like you've really tried with his friends and that you do put yourself out there to socialise.

I think your partner sounds a bit selfish personally and should respect you for how hard you're trying. It's not like you have a way of being on your own, two days as an introvert in such a group environment would be challenging for anyone. Unfortunately your partner is unlikely to be able to put himself in your shoes as you're just polar opposites, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't try.

Your husband should be really proud of all you've done for him already and try to think of you for a change and not his mates.

I'm an extrovert. Dp is an introvert.

It's a non issue.

Your dh is the problem here and he needs to grow up. You dont exist purely to meet his need ffs.

How often is he expecting you to see these friends? You say there 1/3rd you spend with his nice friends, then alll these weekends away with this this third, plus the unmentioned third. Do you ever get any tien to yourselves?