When DH's friends are not my friends

[soconfusedaboutfriends]

Another evening in, spent arguing with DH 😩

We’ve been married for a decade but we are quite different people. He’s an only child and an extrovert; I have three siblings, have an anxiety disorder and an am introvert. (That said, I work in a high-powered job - only mentioned to show that I can deal with others in certain circumstances!)

DH has a LOT of friends - gathered from years of being that extrovert. He gets his kicks from spending time with them; I completely understand this and never, ever tell him that he can’t go out whenever he wants. He is free to go out whenever he likes.

The trouble is that he expects me to keep up. Being brutally honest, there are about a third of his friends that I actually enjoy spending time with - those he met later in life I can really relate to. He’s eight years younger than me, and I really struggle with those he went to school with.

Really, they are such nice people but I feel like I have so little in common with them that I really struggle to make conversation. They have never been anything but lovely to me, but there’s just no friend spark (if that makes sense). I have tried - really I have - but I couldn’t maintain a friendship with them if it weren’t for DH. Part of the issue is that they live a bit of a distance away so he wants us to spend a day or two with them - this is so hard for me as an introvert who thrives on my own space.

Anyway....... the fact that I'd rather not spend a day or two with them (his other friends are fine) is causing massive ructions. I would so much rather stay at home than go out and stay with them (although I have NEVER stopped him meeting whoever he wants or going away for as long as he wants).

I hate the fact that my introversion is considered antisocial but his extroversion is fine. I’ve been told in the past that I ruin his life (😳).

How much does everyone else go out when their partner wants them to, even if they don’t want to? I get the give and take of relationships- really I do. But where do you draw the line between your partner’s needs and your own?!

I’m so confused. I no longer know if I am being unreasonable or not 😩

I see no reason you have to be dragged along to a two-day event, just stay home!

It's more worrying the effect such a simple issue has had on you, and whether thats because of who you are or because of comments feom him like ruined my life which are revolting and nasty.

He needs to accept his extroversion is not widely shared, and be sensitive to the fact you are a natural introvert.

You accommodate his extroversion, but hes not accomodating your introversion at all.

Its imbalanced, and not because your different but in the way you handle it and he doesn't.

Tell him. You sound lovely and reasonable. I'm not sure his expectations are though.

I feel for you I am an introvert my husband is the opposite. But he doesn't go out often and expect me to.

Though this is one reason I could never date someone younger. Every one of my friends have younger partners between 5-10 years younger and as they got older and matured they were ok but early on the age gap was obvious and seemed much bigger than it is. I found that a bit hard.

Tell him to have fun with his friends and shut the conversation down. He’s acting like a spoilt, stroppy man child. He’s not a 4 year old who still needs a parent to chaperone him at birthday parties and playdates. Enough!

His desire to spend his weekends out socialising does not trump your desire to stay at home and have some peace. I couldn’t think of anything worse than being forced to socialise all the time with a bunch of people I don’t even particularly like/get on with it/have much in common with. I’d have snapped long before now! YANBU.

He's being very controlling and manipulative. That's not a healthy way to discuss areas where you differ.

How often is this happening, that he is booking up your weekends for you?

I think it's strange he is forcing you into spending time with his friends. Why doesn't he want to see them alone?

Oh OP, from your updates he doesn't sound very nice

He had an emotional affair.
He gets angry when you don't want to do what he wants to do.
He blames you for "ruining his life"
He won't let you do your own thing at home and insists on you doing things you're uncomfortable with.

He actually sounds quite insecure and controlling. Why can't he just do what he wants with his friends and leave you be? It shouldn't matter what his friends think of you (and I bet they really don't mind if you come or not - he's just trying to make you feel bad so you do what he wants again).

Please reconsider this relationship. You deserve to be happy, not stuck with a man who keeps trying to change you

I think there needs to be a bit of give and take on this one, in a relationship. I know if my friends were regularly hanging out as couples and my husband consistently refused to come along, I’d feel very self-conscious about that. We’re both introverts, really, so luckily we’re usually on the same page, but we would get together with each other’s friends a few times a year, and do it with good grace despite it not always being what we might prefer to do.
I think the issue is how often he’s expecting you to partake in these weekends with his friends, and how he treats you when you say you’d rather not go. “You’re ruining my life” is extreme and emotionally blackmailing, and if that’s representative of how he speaks to you overall then I’m surprised you want to spend any time with him, let alone his friends.

This is not normal. I have my friends. Dh his. We socialise together a bit. I would never give him a hard time, and he doesn't me. It's the controlling'ness of him that concerns me re your posts.

Your situation sounds exactly like mine, and when we first got together he wanted us to do everything together, but I hated going out with his friends because they're just so loud and brash (and tbh have never made much of an effort with me anyway).

I spoke to him about it and said that I would come out with him sometimes, but there are some things that just aren't me at all, and I would rather him go on his own and have a good time with them, rather than having to worry about whether I'm having a good time (I wouldn't be).

It works better now. I am a lot younger than him so that's an issue as well, as although we're great together, our groups of friends have never really adapted as well as we did. He sometimes comes out with my friends, but often finds them quite immature (they are ha ha) so I often just tell him to stay home if he wants to - no pressure.

I think it's important to do things separately as well as together, so long as there are things that you do together, too. Like, for example, we do have a shared group of friends who we get on with equally due to a hobby, so we can go out with them together, then go out with our own friends separately.

So you're a very confident, older partner with a high powered job, and you hate spending time with his school friends because you have 'nothing in common'.

Honestly, to any of his friends you're going to appear pretty rude.

Thank you so much all - lots for me to be thinking about.

Just to clarify - this doesn't come up very often - maybe once every six weeks or so? I used to go out with him and this particular group of friends a lot - every time he asked, so about once a month - but honestly now I can't be bothered with them as I've realised how little I have in common with them (I do love his other group of friends though! Always happy to see them)...

@pyramidbutterflyfish they earn much more than me and are in far more senior roles!

Me and DH have similar issues and have maybe one couple that we both enjoy spending time with; it’s not that I don’t like his other friends or his mine but it’s an effort even after a long time and I find it harder than DH.
We try to have some balance of seeing people together but seeing our friends on our own as well. It probably ends up that we each do this about 2-3 times each a year with family on top. I’m not sure if it’ll that doesn’t sound a lot but with kids and work it seems enough

Just to clarify - this doesn't come up very often - maybe once every six weeks or so?

So, that's every six weeks that you're made to feel like shit for not wanting to go out with his mates. Every six weeks that you're reminded about how he thinks you're ruining his life and given the guilt trip over it all.

He's an adult. He can go out on his own!

A general point on this. How does he get to visit them so often?

I have several sets of friends from previous work, college, sports etc but life is so busy we meet up at best once a year.

He is getting to visit / meet-up once a month? Seems a lot to me.

I'm a very introverted woman in a similar job situation as yours I suspect, so point being we're clearly able to socialise/network do what needs to be done professionally but for me, it's all the more reason why in my own time I want to not see people. I need to decompress.

YANBU his choice of socialising should not be more important than yours. You aren't stopping him and you support his socialising.

You're a human being. You have a right to choose how your spend your time in lawful activities.

I totally get you and this happens with us too a lot. Next week a friend of my husband who I worked with, we all met at the same work place before moving on, is coming to stay. He's staying for the whole week. I find this person really hard to get on with and my husband thinks he's great. I get you totally!

Your DH needs a reality check and an equality lesson. His needs don't trump yours. You can both have separate friends/interests and joint ones. I feel your DH is exerting I due pressure on you and this needs challenging immediately. You are older than him and in a high powered job. Start acting like a grown up and stop trying to please his unreasonable demands. You should be able to lay down the lines on where and when and which of his friends you will meet with, and not if you don't want to. Any aggression on his part should be met with equal force and not tolerated. The demands stop now. Requests are polite and refusals accepted with grace. End of

I am a very confident outgoing INTROVERT and I HATE staying with people or having people to stay and there is nothing WRONG with me. My husband is on the spectrum and gets a lot of social anxiety and there is nothing WRONG with him. Your husband needs to accept you or do one. I understand...no you-time will make you bloody ill. Extroverts never seem to understand that!!!!

He shouldn't expect you to stay over, that's too long an interaction.

And in general, if this particular group of friends aren't your favourite out of his group of friends, and you have more in common with others, he should accept that.

Your post is all about your feelings, maybe he wants you there because he loves you and e joys your company? I assume it’s not every Saturday and just once in a while? (Every few months?) I can’t see why you wouldn’t support your husband and go with him every once in a while when he sees them. Unless it’s every week YABU

The only advice I can offer is don't marry an only, unless you're an only.
We're difficult & confusing to understand.

Do you mean you don't really click with his actual friends? What about their wives/partners? DH and I have a lot of 'couple friends.' Most of them (husbands and wives) have been DH's friends for years because of an organisation he belonged to. I get on fine with the men friends but obviously gravitate more to the women and we see each other on our own fairly regularly without the menfolk.

Is that not the set up you have? Are all his school friends of both sexes? Do they not have partners?

I wouldn’t even want to see my friends for a whole weekend every month! (Fully paid up member of the introvert club)

Having the same issue every 6 weeks would be a deal breaker for me - not the subject it’s self but the fact he is failing to see your point of view every single time, so self centred of him - this would frustrate me no end.