Alternative sexual past

[rp30]

Hello. How would people feel if they found out that their partner had visited dominatrices in their past, while they were single? There was no physical sexual relief.

The relationship is conventional (vanilla), satisfying and healthy. There is no intent to revisit these activities within the relationship or with anyone else.

Would knowledge of his past behaviour change your view of them or change the relationship, inc LTB?

Finally, would you expect his past to have been shared with you at an early stage of the relationship or to be none of your business?

Personally I'd find it quite extreme/niche, wonder how someone who felt the need for it in the past could now not feel the need for it, and be put off.

How did you find out?

Id be wanting to determine satisfactorily what changed to make him stop?

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest tbh. I wouldn't expect it to be the first thing you told me, but i would want it to come up before serious commitment.

I'd be concerned that a vanilla style relationship ultimately wouldn't be fulfilling enough and worry he would want those urges satisfied by me or someone else in the future.

@Branleuse this is a hypothetical but it would be because it was openly shared.

Thye had kinks but wanted to live without them. They tried them, were unsatisfied and felt that the emotional drives for these activities could be met in a conventional relationship such as companionship and open honesty as that could meet the intimacy that doing kinky activities creates.

Thanks for all of the responses. Fair points and useful to know.

Also, would it make any difference if they had impulses and watched dominatrix porn but never tried in real life? They were keen not to do it in real life but had struggled with kinks as a fantasy but were optimistic that they could go without any kink, including porn in the future. This would include 9 months with no kink or porn or reading about it self-pleasure to it.

I think that's fine as long as it wasn't cheating then and they aren't interested in cheating now.

I did some swinging in the distant past. And actually now that I think about it, I'm not sure I've ever even mentioned it to my dh. We've been together 11+ years now. I have no desire to do it now and I really doubt he'd care anyway.

Honestly, it would depend on a lot of other things in the relationship tbh.
Id probably assume that you might be better looking for a healthy relationship where you could also explore your kink somewhat, rather than trying to be happy with someone who wasnt into it at all. I think you should at least try and look for someone open minded about it.
If you really want to live without it, then maybe look into some therapy to explore why you have fetishised these sort of power dynamics.
I think its pretty unfair on your partner if this is just an experiment yet youre going to carry on watching bdsm porn, or even if youre just trying to restrict yourself for some sort of misery test.

You know there ARE women out there who would be into it too. Just go on fetlife. Theres loads of weirdos on there

@Branleuse thanks. Fair point, I'm sure it does depend on the relationship. It is a reoccuring fantasy but it is unsatisfying and leads to feeling low. I did a bit therapy and it seems very difficult to determine the cause but seems possible to live without it.

I'm keen not to get involved it in and for a conventional relationship seperate from this,. However, I wondered what the view of women is. I know many women here say they would not date anyone who had been with a prostitute so wondered if they saw dominatrices similarly. Also what they thought of kink and what would be fair in terms of sharing. I think partly, this is extra encouragement not to see a dominatrix for when there is an impulse.

I've been involved in BDSM and it is ok, if you find your own level to which you want to participate.

I would be a bit unnerved at someone having visited dominatrixes, as that is to all intents and purposes, even if someone doesn't have full sex, a sex worker- people go there because it turns them on, and I imagine it usually ends in orgasm.

I would feel the person was a bit sleazy, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker if I otherwise really liked them.

Instinctively, I wouldn‘t necessarily have the same moral revulsion as I would about a man who visited prostitutes (I would have to think that through though, depends on conditions of work/exploitation of dominatrixes, of which I’ve no idea). I would, however, not want to be someone‘s vanilla sexual experiment. I get that any shift to a different orientation or style almost has to be an experiment - so that isn‘t attributing blame - I just wouldn‘t want to be it.

I would quite honestly be a little put off by dominatrixes in the past, but less so than other types of prostitute, although i wouldnt believe for a second that there wasnt sexual contact. Im not daft.

I think you need to look for someone that shares your kink AND you can have a decent relationship too.

Thanks for all of the responses. It is very useful and they all make sense, though they vary a bit.

It is interesting how it could be a vanilla experiment. I had not thought about that.

I'm dating a dominatrix.
Apparently she doesn't shag her clients. Not that I care.
HTH.

I'd hate to think that a partner is not able to tell me about his kinks. I consider myself a bit more openminded than my peers but I might be wrong. I wouldn't have anything against it but actually as pp I would not want to be someone's 'vanilla experiment
'

Nothing wrong with BDSM and all it entails but I do doubt a kink persons ability to maintain a vanilla relationship long-term!

I couldn’t go vanilla for a week let alone forever!

A close friend of mine was a dominatrix (before I knew her). No physical sex was ever involved. But she became incredibly close friends with a number of her clients. I went to a party once and half the men there were ex clients of hers. There is an enormous amount of emotional release (and trust) in that particular form of BDSM. She certainly wasn;t exploited, though she did have a jaded view of men which I guess most workers in the sex industry have.

I think the only thing that would worry me is that he could have a bit of a Madonna / whore thing going on.
As in , he sees the person he is with as a Madonna ( normal sex with someone who he sees as an equal, nice person etc )
But will only have his kink side with someone he can see as not someone who he feels he would want to be with ( whore)
So therefore when he wants to have that type of sex or sex he feels isn't 'nice ' sex, he will seek that elsewhere.

This is very interesting, thank you all.

I was led to believe that men being submissive would be offputting to a lot of women, but this has not been raised, so that is interesting.

@milliefiori what was her jaded view of men and why?

@VictoriaBun fascinating. I had not thought of that but it makes sense as I would not want to do kink within a relationship and a dominatrix, as you say, is emotionally distant. Hopefully that entire side can be quelled but perhaps there is a reason for this whole madonna/whore thing and it is more than just leaving kink. I heard a relationship counselling session in which it was said that a man went with prostitutes as perhaps he was recreating his childhood witnessing his mother being beaten - the theory being that children who witness this emotionally distance themselves in the moment to protect themselves and then later, sex with a prostitute is similar emotionally.

I’m kinky. I’d struggle within a fully vanilla relationship. I’d doubt that your partner can be fully satisfied without exploring his kink.

I’m kinky. I’d struggle within a fully vanilla relationship. I’d doubt that your partner can be fully satisfied without exploring his kink

This!!

I’m kinky. I’d struggle within a fully vanilla relationship. I’d doubt that your partner can be fully satisfied without exploring his kink

That's fair. Maybe one would need a relationship strong enough that the woman is sure that he does not need kink and that she is satisfied with the relationship. Which I suppose is difficult but presumably some people are able to leave kink and be well.

Thanks for the input, I think that is very reasonable.

I think the Madonna/Whore complex here too. At some point the vanilla may become boring and you won’t feel like you want to explore with your Madonna and explore other options where you can emotionally detach but get your kicks.

Or you could find someone you are so in love with that vanilla but amazing sex fulfills you more than the kink ever would. Vanilla does not have to equate boring or shit. I guess it depends what you are looking for and what kind of relationship you’re in (and who the other person is).