Alternative sexual past

[rp30]

Hello. How would people feel if they found out that their partner had visited dominatrices in their past, while they were single? There was no physical sexual relief.

The relationship is conventional (vanilla), satisfying and healthy. There is no intent to revisit these activities within the relationship or with anyone else.

Would knowledge of his past behaviour change your view of them or change the relationship, inc LTB?

Finally, would you expect his past to have been shared with you at an early stage of the relationship or to be none of your business?

As a woman, I need both in my relationship. I want someone I share my kinks with and yet also enjoy "vanilla" sex. I would hate to be with someone who couldn't share both parts of themselves with me. That's the whole point of a relationship for me.

@pudding21 thanks. Good points.

So you think it would raise concerns but not neccesarily be the end, depending on the circumstances? You could possibly work with it? If this is the case, would you rather know about their past, whether real experiences or interests?

I’m also into kink and echo pp in that if I wouldn’t be satisfied sexually with a totally vanilla partner. In fact, for me it would be a dealbreaker.

If I had a partner who hid their kinks from me that would also be a dealbreaker. Mainly because unless those kinks were non safe, sane or consensual, I would be happy to partake so would feel hurt & upset that they are happy to explore with others, but not me.

If they had kinks I wasn’t already into/haven’t tried I’d def want to know as it’s important that we are sexually compatible.

If I was lied to or it was hidden I would be wondering what else I’m not being told.

If I entered a relationship with a vanilla man and felt I’d have to be ashamed or running from my kinky past to “reassure” him?
It’s just not a dynamic I’d be comfortable with as this would involve demonising/hiding my desires & behavioural urges to essentially placate a prude.

Not fun and not necessary if you’re with someone remotely compatible.

You'll probably find an awful lot of women who are fine with a bit of low level BDSM especially being in the position of power. I once dated a guy who was always very sexually submissive, at first I didn't mind but he was very indecisive and wanted mothering in general life too, I didn't want a man child and grew to resent his lack of ability to be responsible or take charge of anything, even minor things like arranging an evening out. DH and I have a very equal relationship in day to day life and before DS experimented a fair bit within the relationship in this way and I am perfectly happy with that.

I think you should keep this to yourself.
It would put me off. Unless it's going to put a potential partner's health at risk, why the need to overshare every last bit of your previous sexual history?

I sincerely appreciate all of the messages. There seems to be a spread in opinion, which makes sense.

I'm surprised that this would not freak more people out, but perhaps those who are, do not feel inclined to post here so this is not representative.

From the responses, it seems some expect to know and others not, but the former are into kink themselves.

Maybe the answer is to live clean for a significant time and then not look back at the past or discuss it.

@LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook That's interesting how it can seep into everyday life or be connected. That also puts me off from some "female led relationships" where the bedroom and ordinary dynamics are merged. I'm surprised that you say a lot of women would be fine with low level submissive men as I was under the impression as most women find it repulsive as it is contrast to the more celebrate and societal norm "alpha" type.

Thanks again all every response, including those that I have not responded to specifically.

If that's his thing then it'll probably always be his thing.

My friend dated a man who was into BDSM but she wasn't, so he pushed it to one side... turns out he was seeking it elsewhere. 😳

Personally I wouldn't be into a submissive man because I like being more submissive myself. Ex didn't really take charge and pur sex life wasn't bad but wasn't great either. DP is more dominant and definitely takes charge and I've realised what I have been missing.

On the other hand a friend of mine really likes taking charge so she would be quite happy with a more submissive man. Maybe not all the time though.

My ex also had a kink, I tried accommodating it but it got more and I didn't like it which was ignored for a bit so gave an ultimatum. He apparently gave it up. What actually happened is he just hid it better which I discovered after we split. So I feel betrayed and lied to now.

Compatibility in these areas are very important. Which I've discovered through ex and my current relationship.

If that experience with a dominatrix was unsatisfactory and they then concluded that this wasn’t for them and they preferred a more conventional set up, id conclude that they had tried something and didn’t like it.
Many people do try different things when they were young (incl homosexual stuff, threesome etc) and realise it’s not for them.

For me that’s very different than as said before someone who is into BDSM and decides to ‘put it aside’. Which makes as much sense to me as someone who is homosexual saying they’ll put that to the side and will be heterosexual just to be with that person.

Thanks for the interesting perspectives.

Youve got a fantasy view of a strong relationship, or " be strong enough to withstand"

Thats not how it works. Any relationship can be rocked at any point. A relationship where you are trying to prove to yourself that you can ignore your baser desires for the sake of a love that will overcome, is destined to fail. You already want to not tell them, so youve got a wider pool to choose from?
Sounds to me like you want someone/ anyone, to try and make it work with, rather than a person that can actually play with you as well as love you.
Its hardly an obscure fetish

I agree with Branleuse. It can work. There's no reason not to have both.

Nope nope nope. Same as visiting prostitutes in my eyes. Sexist and objectifying

I’m also naturally very submissive- my exDH was switch but sometimes really sub and while I can play the domme role, it wasn’t the natural habitat so not as enjoyable sexually for me but admittedly often quite funny (which played into his desired humiliation I guess) 😂
I agree that if you are trying to bury a genuinely pleasurable desire this may not be successful. But if you’re wanting to move forward from past experiences that you don’t wish to repeat, then that’s totally different. Either way is absolutely no one else’s business unless you either want to share or unless you’re going to have a Jekyll/Hyde life which wouldn’t be fair on anyone.
I’m sure you’ll work it out OP - good luck

@Springfern Nope nope nope. Same as visiting prostitutes in my eyes. Sexist and objectifying

You couldn’t be more wrong and clearly know nothing about this lifestyle!!