Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I leave over this? Or is this normal?

55 replies

koffeetoast · 18/10/2019 10:55

Advice needed please.

I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 months now, i have a DS who is 1 and he has no kids. We both live in the same city. A few months back he was preparing for qualification, which meant he was studying a lot after work and on the weekends. We were (and still do) able to speak every day, but he made it very clear that on the weekends he would be studying. This meant that we didnt actually get to see each other often. We were seeing each other once every two weeks or so, sometimes 3 weeks.

He has since completed the qulaification, but we still arent seeing each other as often as I would like. I raised this with him and he interpetted my words to me saying that he doesnt tell me that he misses me - this was not my point at all. It got a bit heated and i decided to drop it, but ended my saying that my point was I wanted to see him more often.

This was 2 weeks ago, again this week, we speak everyday as usual but no talk about plans for us on the weekend. I am studying and have a DS, but I am happy to see him for a coffee once a week, I'm not asking to be taking on elaborate dates every week.

Do I have a point? Or is this laid back approach to seeing your partner normal?

When I've thought about it deeply, I've taken it to mean that as much as he likes me, I don't think he likes me ennough or else he would want to spend time with me on a regularly basis. In previous relationships I would see my BF every week or even more, and after 3/4 months together it felt like our schedules were interwined and it was part of our routine to see each other.

I hope this all makes sense, I would appreciate any advice. I'm at the point in life, where I don't want to settle and I would be willing to leave over this as quality time means a lot to me.

OP posts:
Loveablers · 18/10/2019 10:57

He’s just not that into you.

If he was he’d be making more effort but he’s simply choosing not to. Trust me if a guy wants to be with you nothing will stop him from making it known.

This isn’t a relationship. Move on you deserve way better

Original poster
koffeetoast · 18/10/2019 11:04

Thank you @loveablers

harsh but probably what i need to hear Grin

OP posts:
Loveablers · 18/10/2019 13:04

I didn’t meant to sound so harsh Blush.

I was in a similar situation once and I look back and wish someone had told me straight! Instead I made excuses as to why he didn’t put me first and allowed myself to be used. Don’t give him all the power - you’re both in this “relationship” and it’s not just him who gets to make the rules up.

You could meet someone who adores you - don’t waste anymore time with this man who barely wants to see you

Rosecat22 · 18/10/2019 13:10

I was dating a guy for a couple of months who I only saw once a week (work schedule related). He’d text me first thing in the morning every day and we’d have long, fun text conversations throughout the day that he seemed totally engaged with (I mean, he always started them!). After a while though it was always me asking him to hang out. Turns out that he liked me but wasn’t super into me and he broke it off. It was confusing as fuck, because why all the texting etc?

If they aren’t trying to see you, especially after that long, it’s probably not going to work out. Maybe be upfront about it and give him a call, stating exactly what you’ve said here; there’s no reason for you not to see each other now, so are you going to spend together or not, and if not then why?

ExcitedForFuture · 18/10/2019 15:02

Sorry OP, if he wanted to make you a priority he would. I'd ditch him as he's wasting your time.

DonKeyshot · 18/10/2019 17:31

He isn't a boyfriend, he's a friend who's a boy - or man as the case may be.

Keep him as a casual friend and date other other men until you find what you're looking for in a relationship.

Interestedwoman · 18/10/2019 17:36

It would of course depend if both partners were happy with it- it might be ok for a few people.

I think most people would want to see a boyfriend/potential partner or whatever more often than that though, or they'd feel it was a bit of a waste of time and move on to the next.

dreichsky · 18/10/2019 18:24

If he cannot commit to once a week for coffee then he doesn't sound that keen.
Also honestly after nine months, sex, it doesn't sound like he that fussed about that either. Are you exclusive?

Original poster
koffeetoast · 20/10/2019 07:56

@dreichsky yep we are exclusive.

I've just been given a whole shpeil about this being the hardest time of his life (work wise) and he is giving me the most attention he can at the moment. I'm being too demanding and he cannot commit to once a week (I guess that's asking for too much). Also the fact that I've said once a week is the minimum I would like to see him makes him feel that I'm telling him what to do therefore pushing him away to do the opposite even if it's the right thing to do. He doesnt want to feel like he is being ordered.

Not sure whether to laugh or cry at the above.

Honestly though anyone who thinks I'm being unreasonable please tell me!

OP posts:
Original poster
koffeetoast · 20/10/2019 07:59

@Rosecat22

Similar thing over here. We talk everyday on the phone usually for an hour or so before bed. Almost feels as though I'm in a relationship with my phone. Dont get me wrong texts and phone calls are great, but they should be in addition to face to face contact.

Also when we had a chat, he didnt really say anything reassuring in terms of making me feel secure in the relationship he just kept giving answers about why he cant see me more often and why I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 20/10/2019 08:01

9 months, seeing someone only every 2-3 weeks means you have met him about 15 times. That isn't much of a relatinship.

And I'm afraid that I have a rather jaded eye sometimes, and he sounds married - never available at weekends? Won't commit to any regular dates? May well,have a family dog - easy to ring you on a second phone during walkies

mrssoap · 20/10/2019 08:02

Your not being unreasonable at all. I think if he wanted to spend time with you he would make it happen.

I was with someone who lived a 60 mile round trip from me, we both worked full time but still committed to twice a week, because it's what we wanted.

You should tell him that if this is how it is you don't think it can work long term. He may want to fight at the thought of losing you but if he doesn't hen he really just isn't that into you.

Original poster
koffeetoast · 20/10/2019 08:04

Thanks @AuntieStella he definitely isnt married. We used to see each other up to twice a week in the beginning. Weekend date and then even a few hours in the evening during a week day.

Both been to each others houses and stayed over.

He is a lot of things but married definitely isnt one of them Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
koffeetoast · 20/10/2019 08:07

@mrssoap thank you. I've heard of similar stories to yours before and really believe it can work if two people want to, despite busy work schedule, families, hobbies etc you make it work.

Deep down I agree, he isnt in to me. Didnt even reassure me that he was either.

In all honesty, I'd rather it fizzled out rather than us having to speak again. I hate confrontations or awkwardness. We have no ties so would rather just go my way and he go on his way.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 20/10/2019 08:08

Also the fact that I've said once a week is the minimum I would like to see him makes him feel that I'm telling him what to do

You are telling him your needs (which are pretty reasonable). He seems to have no desire to attend to those needs and is telling you off for communicating.

Maybe it's because he's so stressed with work, maybe it's because he's a dick. Either way: you are not a priority, he really is not that into you.

He's been very clear, it's now up to you what to do about it.

GruffalOH · 20/10/2019 08:09

Coffee once a week is too much? Nah. Move on. You'll find much better. Even people with crazy busy lives who work all hours and have various other commitments can find time for a coffee if they want to.

Does he do literally nothing else other than work? If he is doing other things, those are the things he's prioritising over you. Does he do sport? See friends? Have a leisurely lie in? Watch TV?

If I were keen on someone and had limited time, I'd choose seeing that person over any of the above activities. Or I'd invite them to join me for a quick dinner. Presumably he's still eating, or is he too busy for that too?

Once a week is not too big an ask after 9 months. Once every 2 or 3 weeks is, in my view, weird.

There are people out there who would be doing anything they could to find time to see you. Date one of those men instead.

joystir59 · 20/10/2019 08:09

Walk away.

SimonJT · 20/10/2019 08:09

My boyfriend has a lot of exams with work, I have a son and so these things limit our time together. We still manage to see each other twice a week.

joystir59 · 20/10/2019 08:10

You have not 'been with' him for 9 months. He is not an established boyfriend. This is a series of casual dates and you are over invested in him.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 20/10/2019 08:10

Have you been to his house? Are you sure he isn’t living a double life ?
15 meet ups in 9 months is crap and he isn’t interested in seeing you more so it isn’t working out for you

French8312 · 20/10/2019 08:11

Move on. He cannot have everything on his terms and you are not being unreasonable at all wanting to see him more. Honestly there will be other men wanting to make time for you ! Ive had this before where I guy was 'too busy' for weeks even though he lived 1.5 miles down the road, no kids and regular hours. When I pulled him up about it he labelled me difficult 😂
Honestly, you will find someone who makes you a priority and will forget this guy :)

Foreverlexicon · 20/10/2019 08:14

No matter how busy someone is, if they want to see you, they will.

I work shifts and live an hour away for my girlfriend. We both have big out of work commitments. Bu we still manage to see each other a few times a week

Chupchup · 20/10/2019 08:15

The thing with men is that if they're into you you cannot get rid of them. They are always there. This is always true. Sounds like you're a security blanket/counsellor to him with these daily phone calls. I would stop the calls, you are expending too much time and energy on him. Let him find someone else to chat to.

ukgift2016 · 20/10/2019 08:16

He is not your boyfriend.

He is using you as an emotional clutch. Someone he can talk to on phone everyday but someone he can keep distance with physically.

I am surprised you have put up with this for so long.

Spied · 20/10/2019 08:16

Move on. You both want different things. You are not a priority, more a sideline sorry.