Help me deal with tired dh with newborn baby

[RainbowSlide]

Looking for advice on how to handle this situation please.

Dh and I have a newborn ds, also an older dd. Dh has trouble sleeping generally. I'm up every 2-3 hours feeding baby (ebf) and dh gets up to do night time nappies when i wake him (he's on paternity leave at the moment, I'll probably take on most night jobs in the week once he's back at work).

The issue is that he keeps telling me how tired and run down he feels. Last night he couldn't get to sleep from 12-3ish, not because of the baby (we were sleeping most of that time), but he was worrying about stuff. I understand it's shit when you can't sleep, but am struggling to muster much sympathy given I'm feeding on demand and most of the time he is asleep through those feeds. I'm also recovering from a c section so not fully back to normal.

So how do i not be a total bitch by telling him how much less sleep i'm getting and how i'm not actually complaining about it! I feel like he needs to be telling someone other than me.. how would you respond?

My husband does this and he doesn’t get up in the night at all/I take our newborn into a different room to feed and change, so minimal disturbance. He STILL comments on how tired he is. I’ve started just sympathetically clasping his hands and saying ‘it’s tough isn’t it’. Some people just get on with things and other like to vocalise (MOAN), neither is the wrong way to deal with something as hideous as sleep deprivation. I’d just try not to take this kind of thing too seriously.
As hard as it is tit for tat comparisons rarely go well in relationships. He must know how often you’re up if he does the nappies anyway?

You’re doing an amazing job, and one day soon you WILL get a solid stretch of sleep and it will be glorious 🙌🏼

'Darling, I know you're tired, and I know it's hard. But I am also tired, and recovering from an operation at the same time. I don't want to snap at you so please could you avoid telling me how tired you are? Thank you'
A decent man will get it.

Why do you wake him to do nappies if you are awake anyway feeding?

I try to remind myself that it’s important not to treat tiredness as a competition, it’s not constructive. Yes, we’re both tired, so let’s just try to be kind to each other and give and take.
I’d perhaps take to bed and emphasise things you shouldn’t do/ lift due to c-section though
Take care

@Peridot1
Csection recovery is no joke, getting up and down from bed several times a night to change nappies is exhausting, not to mention painful/uncomfortbale when you're recovering from major surgery and already sleep deprived from feeding as OP mentioned

i have no idea bar try to explain you are recovering from an operation and are in pain and also exhausted, your trying to not vocalise it because you understand he is stressed , but you are starting to lag and you need him to understand your also not in a great place and you ant lift the baby without it hindering your recovery ( i believe your not meant to lift )

Do you have any family members that can come help out for a bit or friends?

Ffs you’re recovering from major abdominal surgery. He needs to also rest in the day. Y’know adapt. My mother is like this. Competitive. Constantly. It is incredibly draining. I think I’d go with the “I’m sorry you are tired. I’m only just starting to recover from major abdominal surgery and am absolutely exhausted. Breastfeeding is incredibly tiring for me. I need lots of rest as it will take me months to recover even without multiple night time awakenings.” The thing to get across is “I do not have the energy to worry about how tired you are.”

@BonnieSeptember - thanks. Should have realised!

I can't understand why you don't do nappies at the time of feeding. He gets sleep. Then he wakes up and does house stuff including listening and cuddling the baby and you get sleep. And breakfast in bed hopefully.

I also don't get the waking up DH to change nappies. I just do it in the the bed😬

Op my DH is the same except without the complaining some nights he might only go to bed at 2-3AM as he just can't sleep. I think iv had 1.5 hours tonights baby has fed every 30 mins, its torture but it doesn't last forever!

Maybe tell him to see GP about his sleep problem, good luck x

mummyoflittledragon i think that's it, i don't have the energy to deal with his tiredness. I think that's what i need to say. Seems mean but if he was recovering from major surgery i think I'd keep my own problems to myself.

I'm not sure it's that strange to share night time responsibilities during paternity leave, is it? The suggestion that despite my healing wound, bleeding and feeding i should also get up for every night time nappy so dh can get a good night's rest doesn't seem like a solution? Ds screams bloody murder during every change so if i did it in bed dh would wake up anyway, and given his propensity to wee during a change we do it on the change table in the other room.

I really don't want to play tiredness Olympics, we're all tired, it's the expectation that i should somehow be looking after dh as well as myself and ds.

Yes my DP was the same on paternity leave - he was SO tired! Not because he was getting up in the night - because he was in the spare bed & couldn’t sleep as well, now me and the baby are in that room & he’s got the bed back - 9 months on. I can’t possibly tell him I’m tired of he says he’s tired because it’s not a competition’ also he feels like his memory is not the same since we’ve had the baby!

I didn’t have a section so can’t compare on that front and DS is now 18 so it was all a long time ago for me but I did everything at night unless DH woke up himself. DH then took DS downstairs in the morning and let me sleep a bit. He did all the shopping, cooking, washing etc. DS was formula fed so he washed and prepared all the bottles etc.

It’s whatever works for your situation really. I used to just change DS in the bed. But if you can’t you can’t.

To answer your original issue I would just talk to him and tell him you are tired too. And in pain. And bleeding. And adjusting. Competitive tiredness is irritating. But when you are a person that has issues sleeping you get a bit irrational about it all! I do now.

I would second what CodenameVillanelle said.

He needs to see his GP. You have enough on your plate without being his minder.

I think I’d just give him a withering look and tell him to go to the gp if it’s worrying him, but you’ve just had a person cut out of you and have zero energy/sympathy and that he’d be best moaning to the cat/his mum etc, because you’ve got a lot on your plate and it’s time to pull up the big boy pants and deal with his own man child problems.

😂 fucket please can you come round and deliver that message?

DH and I made a pact never to talk about how tired we were in the first 3 months and just to assume at all times that we were both knackered. It worked!

Ignore anyone saying you should be doing all the night wakings. Utter nonsense. Having said that, I would only change a baby during the night if they've pooed - nappies are so good these days at keeping them dry, last thing before bed and first thing in the morning is fine.

If DH is not at work currently that’s it’s ALL fair and he can get up every time you do to help! (Especially recovering from major surgery - just lifting DS for you will be helpful- people seem to forget its MAJOR surgery just because you got a baby at the end 🤔😬)

Once he’s back at work it’ll change a little I’m sure- but do keep in mind that your maternity leave is DS replacing your regular full time job and not him becoming your SOLE responsibility. From when DH leaves on a morning to when he returns home DS is your responsibility but 6pm- 7am (roughly) neither you or DH are ‘working’ and revert to both being equal parents who need equal downtime and rest.

Given your BF it may make sense for you to do with night wakes but this doesn’t mean DH can’t take DS for a few hours when he returns from work (bath him, bed him - everything but feeds).

Lots of men seem to think they’re ‘entitled’ to ‘rest’ when they get in from work and then also sleep through the night - like poor mum doesn’t need a single break 🙄😡

My DH always complains about his tiredness (he does work a stressful 60+ hours job) BUT I have no guilt telling him to quit it! Especially when he’s had 12-14 hours of undisturbed sleep and is still complaining 😒

I’ve had awful HG and would be lucky to get 3-4 hours most nights 😞 I would often play out conversations like this;

DH: (After 12 hours of sleep catching up from nights) 😴 God I’m nakered, like groggy, my body aches. I feel like I’m hungover!
Me: Well that’s understandable on 3 hours sleep.
DH: ....
Me: The aches are probably from vomiting 7 times through the night.
DH: ....
Me: Oh no, wait that was me. You slept for 12 hours undisturbed 😒 Sorry...I’ve lost my thought train...sleep deprivation...what were you whinging about again??
DH: 😳 Shall I do the food shop today so you can have a nap?
Me: That would be nice 😴

I think peridot1 has highlighted an issue in that it is easy to forget how much a c section is major abdominal surgery. Where you can’t bend over or lift easily and you are uncomfortable and in pain and he needs reminding of that

But what issues is he worrying about and can’t sleep through have you discussed that

He sounds stressed and perhaps a little bit depressed. He needs someone to talk to. But its unfair to lay this emotional labor on you (is that the right expression?) when you have your own burden to bear. Does he have friends, family he can discuss his problems with? Perhaps even a counsellor? There's a bit of a stigma that counselling only for serious crisis, but perhaps he could benefit from some.

Is baby pooping every time that you need to change their nappy? If its just wet, leave it - don't make work for you/him. He needs to be proactive in helping himself to sleep, with a meditation app/taking a walk before bed/learning relaxation techniques etc so he doesn't lie awake

Of course DH should get up and change the nappy to save OP doing it. Anyone saying otherwise has never had to recover from a c-section!

I wouldn't dance around the topic OP. Just say what you mean in the kindest way possible.

DH I'm not only missing sleep, I am recovering from major surgery and breastfeeding on demand. I am depleted, if you need a sympathetic ear this month I suggest you call your mum. Because I need you to be supporting me and lightening my load right now.

To answer the nappy questions, yes he is pooing in the night, that's the only reason we're changing it. We're not bothered about wet nappies, just don't want him stewing in his own poo at night!

And I think the suggestions that he is stressed are right, his work is stressful and they've been on the phone to him while on leave so he's not getting a rest from it. I also wonder about depression too. I might look up pnd in dads as it seems more than the usual stress he's under (even considering the sleep deprivation). I do think he needs to talk to someone, even see a gp (i've mentioned he should see someone in a kind way, but he refuses). He's had anxiety in the past so it's not that crazy a suggestion. I think he ruminates and dwells on things, and can't seem to control his thoughts and steer them away from big issues and towards counting sheep...

I'll chat with him tonight once our dd is in bed.

richteasandcheese i've suggested he listens to a boring podcast to send him to sleep but he has this attitude of "it won't work", which is obviously self fulfilling. His attitude to sleep is part of the problem, but i guess that's normal for people with sleep problems to lose faith in methods to sleep as some haven't worked?