DH did wrong but anytime it comes up, I'm making him feel s%$t

[48YearsYoung]

My DH and I separated a few months ago. We don't know anything outside of each other and our kids. Our breakup was due to a serious MH issue on his side that resulted in both of us suffering emotionally. Fast forward 3 months and we still chat daily and see each other every other day. As long as we don't discuss the problems, we are fine. He thinks we are just going to fall in love again and get back together. While I would love that, I have made it 100% clear that until his MH issues are resolved, we can't be together. At this stage, the MH issues can't/won't be resolved because he is in complete denial that he has any and in complete denial over a lot of the hurtful things he has said to me.
On the rare occasions when this discussion comes up, he goes into angry or shut down mode and then brings up things that happened over a decade ago. He believes I treated him like s#$t for years and I'm just bringing him down. I don't think I treated him badly though I can see why it upsets him because I did spend the first 10 years unsure about our relationship. This was because he often had long periods of unemployment (by choice), didn't really treat my DS great and on a few occasions, I found him on hookup sites. He pursued me relentlessly and kept us together. Now he uses this against me every time we have a serious discussion.
Eg
Him: "Why don't you just come home?"
Me: "I can't do that because the problems will just start again"
Him: "You need to stop bringing the problems up and just look to the future"
Me: "I can't put myself back in that position again."
Him: "You've never wanted me! You're just bringing me down! You did this for the first 10 years - no wonder I'm a mess! You've always struggled with commitment!"
Me: "No, I am all about commitment. I tried to get away for the first 10 because I am ambitious and hardworking whereas you hate working and chose to be unemployed. I also didn't like how you spoke to my DS. He was troublesome but you and your DS often taunted, mocked and belittled him and I was uncomfortable with this."
DH: "There you go just bringing me down again!"
He will usually just close off at this point and then a few hours later, be on the phone again chatting normally.

How do I/we get off this carousel? Arrrgghhh!

By stopping the daily chats/every other day visits and making it clear you won't be getting back together. It seems like until your DH accepts that it's truly over, you'll keep going round in the same circle and he won't consider things bad enough to get the help he needs. If breaking the cycle means he finally seeks help then great, maybe one day in the future you can see where things lead again, although it wouldn't be productive to say that upfront. If he still doesn't accept he needs help, then you haven't really lost anything from the current position anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

You step off it, without him.

He's made it clear he's not going to change. He won't and probably can't.

Cut him lose and start building a new life without him, It's the only way forward. Anything else is just going round in circles.

Thanks for the quick replies. When I left (he wouldn't leave), I bought a new house so it wasn't a light decision. I'm lonely without him and I'm just as bad as him, with the constant contact. I'm scared to do the big leap because I still want to fix him and live happily ever after. I'm also scared that if I cut the ties, he will try to take 50% or more of the family home that I invested $120k into when we first moved in together. He hasn't contributed a lot financially over the years and the mortgages for both homes are in my name due to bad credit on his name. We share the kids 50/50 and his work prospects aren't great now because of his MH and I'm terrified that after 20 years of working my butt off, I'm going to walk away with so little if I get him offside.
And, despite how his MH made him treat me, I still love him.
We've had 6 months of relationship counselling and although the issues are MH related, the counsellor has made it quite clear that there's been a lot of emotional abuse. Unfortunately, his perspective is completely off and he interprets any mention of DV by the counsellor as meaning that I've abused him. This really isn't the case. I just wish he could see clearly.

I understand your reluctance op, but you are flogging a dead horse
It's time to cut him off, and get legal advice.

You can't plan anything with this hanging over your head, rip the plaster off and deal with the pain. You are co-dependent and in a way addicted to him and his drama. For the treatment of your son alone I can't see how you could ever look at him again.

Stop the calls and the endless discussions, contact through email or text not and then only about the kids.

Your mistake was buying another house whilst still married to him, it's all sunk costs now and you need an exit plan.

Stop the drama, and get off the stage

Thanks for being so honest Guiltypleasures001. I didn't have much of choice about buying a house. I have been contracting for many years but work in my area is getting scarcer and scarcer and I was in a good position to get the banks to agree to me buying another property. I knew I possibly wouldn't be in that position in the years to come so had to bite the bullet while I could.
The treatment of my son is a sensitive issue but very complex. My eldest was an absolute nightmare - not the usual naughty kid stuff - horrible things that wouldn't come up on most people's 'parenting challenges' radar. Most men would have walked. He didn't handle it well but I think if it was his son that was the horror, I would have handled it worse and definitely wouldn't have stayed.
I think you are 100% right and at the moment, I'm just slowly peeling back the bandage instead of ripping it off.

I would have left him already over his and his DS's treatment of my DS....

Iflyaway, I know what you mean but there were complicated circumstances that would take a good month to write about. My now 20yr old DS is ok with his step dad these days. They actually get along better now than when he was growing up - even laugh about some of the things I used to get upset about.

At the very least start gathering some legal advice so that you know where you stand financially. His refusal to discuss any wrong doing or take any responsibility for his MH show that he wont change. Also stop excusing his behaviour as because of his MH as it were a separate entity. It's still him and unless he's had some sort of serious psychotic break he's still choosing the behaviour. I used to be in your boat with DH and excused a lot due to his MH but then I had severe PND and PNA. I realised that I was coping whilst caring for a newborn, still returned to work as planned without a single additional day off and engaged in treatment proactively. That combined with reading lundy Bancroft"s why does he do that, showed me how he was using his MH as an excuse for abuse and to be unchallenged. You sound amazing and if you held this idiot to some basic standards I think that the truth would shine through fairly quickly.

Thanks blackcat86. I do probably excuse his behaviour a little bit but his MH is a delusional disorder where in his mind, he 'knows' I've been cheating on him for 2 years and the fact that I deny it, also makes me a liar and schizo. Psych said he has been in psychosis for quite some time now and because he's not a big communicator at the best of times, it's hard to know how far down the rabbit hole he actually is.

You are giving him mixed messages and you are also giving us mixed messages on this thread. It just sounds so grim and unhealthy. I don't know what you can do to move on other than making a clean break but you obviously don't want to hear that.

You need to cut all ties and move on .
You CANNOT fix him .. please don’t waste any more of your life trying ...
Being on your own has got to be better than this ... and treating your son poorly should have been a dealbreaker a long time ago ..

Get legal advice re your financial situation and move on now ...
good luck

You've had literally decades of being abused by him. When does it stop?

You can't fix him
He sees no need for fixing
You have taken a huge step
Have counselling by yourself.

Walk away from him and his awful dramas. I know it's difficult but there really is no other way.
See a good solicitor as soon as you can for some advice on where you stand as regards property.

...his MH is a delusional disorder where in his mind, he 'knows' I've been cheating on him for 2 years and the fact that I deny it, also makes me a liar and schizo.

I don't want to alarm you but has anyone mentioned the risks of this condition? It's called delusional jealousy or Othello syndrome. I knew someone who suffered from it and heard the dangers mentioned.

As in Othello, the play by Shakespeare, the syndrome can be highly dangerous and result in disruption of a marriage, homicide and suicide.

I think you’ve got a case of the ‘yeah buts’ anything people suggest you have an answer for. He is manipulative and devious.
If you want to stop doing it you have to just take the plunge.
All your doing is going round in circles, his treatment of your son should have been enough years ago. Clean break it’s the only way.

He isn’t and you haven’t left

You need to properly bite the bullet here and get a clean break

I don't want to make excuses for bad behaviour but for context, my eldest was VERY troubled. Think 'horror movie/thriller' things. I won't go into details but I am not exaggerating at all. His troubling behaviour started just before I met my DH.

Prawnofthepatriarchy, yes - unfortunately I know the dangers hence why I left. Having said that, he is a very passive person and while his psychiatrist has given me the standard warnings, he doesn't believe there's a huge risk with this man unless something really twangs.

Lllot5, he isn't devious but he can be a bit manipulative - I can be too sometimes. I agree that I have a case of the 'yeah buts'. I just wanted my happy ever after with this man. We went through some really tough times to get to our happy place and then it all came crashing down with the MH.

Sorry, if I sound pathetic. I think it just comes down to a upsetting scenario where we both want to be together, we are both in love with each other and get along really well but we can't and we aren't handling the separation well.

Thanks everyone for the comments. It has reinforced my thoughts that I need to break the contact cycle.

You need to split for good and make it clear to him. You will never be happy with this man. His MH aside if your relationship was going to work it would've by now ffs.

Can't the counsellor make it clear to him that it is his abuse she is talking about? If she does do that in the session, how does he react?

What help is he getting for his MH?

'Happy ever after' with a man who has refused to work, treated your son badly, cheated on you and refuses to get help for his mental health which leads him to accuse you of cheating?
You do need to grow up here. There are no happy ever afters here.

You cant control or manage his behaviour or reactions, so let it go.
Stop contacting him and stop worrying about how this will affect him. It isn't about him.

You need to see a solicitor, go ahead with the seperation/divorce, and get half of your assets back.
I think that deep down you know that its time to break contact, let go of this chapter of your life, and move on.

I think I'd see a solicitor - or three- first.

That does seem to be the big fear, and I can understand that.

In a nutshell though, this man is an albatross round your neck, and absolutely in the longer term you'd be great without him.

You know what they say about 'if wishes were horses...'

You are in love with the fantasy of him that you have in your head. The him that you just know he could be, if only he didn't have ...poor MH, issues, etc etc.

The fact is that he does have all those things that prevent you having a good and happy relationship, and, because they aren't impacting him in a negative way that he can see, he's not going to do anything about them.

You leaving, cutting all ties and refusing to contact him may be the thing that he needs to make him see that it really is him that needs help. Or he may just shrug, say 'bitches be crazy' and get on with his life without you. Either way, it's what you need to do for your own MH. There are other men out there, it doesn't have to be him.

This could be my exH. I suffered years of mental and verbal abuse at his hands. He is manipulative to an astonishing degree. He almost convinced me it was my behaviour even though I know it wasn't. You can only get perspective on abuse when you distance yourself from it. I can see now a person who suffered a lot of physical and emotional abuse as a child because of his adhd, who went on to be a violent bully, who lies with ease and no conscience, opposed to the other person (me) who was brought up in a calm, non violent household, was pretty well behaved and suffered a small amount of bullying, no temper issues and not controlling, is going to be the aggressor.

He thought he could sweet talk me back into a relationship because part of me still loved him and I was deeply committed to our marriage, but I knew I couldn't suffer the mind fog he created any longer. He refused completely to accept responsibility for his behaviour and blamed me. This would never change, and I realised this eventually.

Don't go back. Sort the finances our legally and dont let them convince you to give it one more try.