DH did wrong but anytime it comes up, I'm making him feel s%$t

[48YearsYoung]

My DH and I separated a few months ago. We don't know anything outside of each other and our kids. Our breakup was due to a serious MH issue on his side that resulted in both of us suffering emotionally. Fast forward 3 months and we still chat daily and see each other every other day. As long as we don't discuss the problems, we are fine. He thinks we are just going to fall in love again and get back together. While I would love that, I have made it 100% clear that until his MH issues are resolved, we can't be together. At this stage, the MH issues can't/won't be resolved because he is in complete denial that he has any and in complete denial over a lot of the hurtful things he has said to me.
On the rare occasions when this discussion comes up, he goes into angry or shut down mode and then brings up things that happened over a decade ago. He believes I treated him like s#$t for years and I'm just bringing him down. I don't think I treated him badly though I can see why it upsets him because I did spend the first 10 years unsure about our relationship. This was because he often had long periods of unemployment (by choice), didn't really treat my DS great and on a few occasions, I found him on hookup sites. He pursued me relentlessly and kept us together. Now he uses this against me every time we have a serious discussion.
Eg
Him: "Why don't you just come home?"
Me: "I can't do that because the problems will just start again"
Him: "You need to stop bringing the problems up and just look to the future"
Me: "I can't put myself back in that position again."
Him: "You've never wanted me! You're just bringing me down! You did this for the first 10 years - no wonder I'm a mess! You've always struggled with commitment!"
Me: "No, I am all about commitment. I tried to get away for the first 10 because I am ambitious and hardworking whereas you hate working and chose to be unemployed. I also didn't like how you spoke to my DS. He was troublesome but you and your DS often taunted, mocked and belittled him and I was uncomfortable with this."
DH: "There you go just bringing me down again!"
He will usually just close off at this point and then a few hours later, be on the phone again chatting normally.

How do I/we get off this carousel? Arrrgghhh!

Hook up sites is bad enough - without the rest of his abuse of you.

Hi op

I don't think you sound pathetic at all

You sound like youve Been trying to keep lots of balls in the air at the same
time, but not really being too successful with it.

It's ok us armchair mums saying do this and that, when in reality it's bloody hard, shit always happens and your ex is unpredictable.

But, the only constant in this is you lovely, what you do from now on needs to set the scene and the boundaries.

Write out a list of what you want, what's possible and what you can't change
Deal only with facts and not assumptions, don't sweat the small stuff, and put a metaphorical line in the sand. Every couple of days review and adjust accordingly, set up appts with whom ever you need to too, to get clear advice and go from there.

Once you see a plan of action, it becomes easier to see the wood for the trees
And you might be able to relax a bit 💐

I used to live with my ex who had bi polar. I lived with him for two years and I tried my best but he was in absolute denial. It was always external factors according to him that were responsible for his change in moods. I was making him depressed because of x y and z... I think he still believes that to this day. He once told me hed been looking online at bullying and domestic abuse because he thought i was abusing him... and he genuinely thought this and that this was why he got sad.
This is a man who used to get so paranoid that he would follow me to and from work, go through my belongings looking for 'evidence', text anyone male I came into contact with to 'leave me alone'... he was officially diagnosed as bi polar and had been in hospital on a couple of occasions... but he was in complete denial and refused to accept he was ill. When manic he would do things like just quit his job, sell belongings and stop eating.
Any thing I tried to say to him about addressing any of it, was categorised by him as bringing him down a and abusing him.
We broke up and I still think that to this day 9 years later he still thinks it's my fault that the relationship failed.
You cant help people when they are in denial. My ex is still the same. In fact the longest relationship hes had since me 9 years ago has been 3 months... he goes through women like water... and they are all 'liars' and none of them support him and they are all trying to bring him down and hem him in apparently...

It's really sad because I do care about him and am still friends with him but he wont ever get any better until he actually admits he has an illness and engages with treatment.

Dont allow yourself to be abused thinking it's going to help him or it will suddenly one day get better all y itself.
It wont.