How can I position myself so my future husband can find me

[Homemaker86]

Hello all,

I’m in my early 30s and absolutely desperate to have children but I’m currently single.

I’ve tried online dating to no avail. I’ve joined a cookery class that starts next week so I’m socialising and mixing with more people. I’m going to the gym regularly, too.

Ideally and I hope I don’t offend anyone; I want to wait until I have a husband until I have children which is why I haven’t had a child yet.

Do you have any idea as to what I can do about meeting someone?

My desire to have children is so bad now. It can only be described as constantly needing to pee.

I get scared I’ll end up alone....

I hope so

All of the above. The only person in my family that had a child out of wedlock was married to her partner before the child was two

Well
The thing about getting older is that we can take a step back from all the family myths and illusions and see them for what they are.
Uncle Paul and Auntie Alice , married 55 years.... never a cross word....he’s been shagging his secretary for 45 of them . That kind of thing.
‘Child out of wedlock?!’ Lady it’s 2019!!!

I don’t want to upset anyone

OP, I was a bit like you in that my family were pretty opposed to kids out of wedlock. They weren't overly thrilled by sex before marriage either but they turned a blind eye to that one! As a result, as soon as I knew DH was the one I was wondering when we were going to get married. I was 29 and desperately wanted kids but knew that to keep everyone happy we should be married first.

I was 31 when we eventually got married and then struggled to conceive. I had IVF and eventually had DS at 34 but have struggled to have more and doubt I will be able to have more.

Had I not cared so much what my family thought I might have moved in with DH and might even have started trying for kids before marriage. Looking back now and from certain discussions that I've had with my mum, I actually don't think they would have been as shocked, horrified, etc as they subtly made out at the time given how adored DS is.

If YOU genuinely don't want kids before marriage then fine, but don't throw away your happiness because of what you think other people want.

Is this a serious thread? Seriously I think your trying too hard and sound desperate which has been said.
I'd not stress about it tbh. Guys have a sixth sense when it comes to a woman who are desperate and keen to have a baby and get married quickly and tend to do a runner. On the other hand there are guys out there that will want to get married and have a family. But do you really need to get married?

I really would prefer a husband first

I think everyone wants to be loved. Do you actually want a partner? In his own right I mean? I think the “turn off” part comes when people worry they’re just convenient rather than special and loved for who they are. Even as broody as you are, I doubt you’d fancy a male equivalent of you ie someone just looking for a convenient walking womb. I KNOW how bloody hard it is, but take a step back and try some of the advice here e.g. Hinge, matchmaking service, asking your friends outright to set you up, etc.

I am sure you’ll find someone nice, there are loads of nice men in their 30s who want kids too. The key is looking them in the eye rather than just squinting at the crotch trying to gauge fertility... 😬

Lol

My desire to have children is so bad now. It can only be described as constantly needing to pee.

Can it??

Needing a pee? Well that's one I've never heard

Tone down the desperation, it will make you vulnerable and an easy target for arseholes who will break your heart.

Is it all about having children, a husband just seems like a means to and end for you?

Do things you want to do. Join hobbies or groups. You’re more likely to meet someone with things in common than you are on a random online dating website.

Sorry to say this OP but, I think you’re reeking of desperation. The scent you are probably giving off, will make most men, run a mile.

By choosy with online dating. I did match and figured as you pay the men who are on their are committed to looking for someone too. That is how I met my partner.

Plus I think a bit of luck helps too

And - maybe I am jaded with marriage after a bad one but having the focus being a husband maybe puts people off. Look for a partner - an equal someone you want to spend time with.

I was you just before I met DH aged 34. Persevere with online dating.. the next one you meet could be perfect for you. I had children before marriage - was pregnant within 14 months of meeting. We are blissfully happy and had four kids easily between the ages of 36 and 42.
Do not give up hope and do not give up online dating. Be open to men who have a child and want more.
It’s exhausting - the date on which I met DH was a day pouring with with rain and I almost cancelled.
Keep looking, don’t act desperate but don’t let somebody mess you about for months either.
Also, I think if I hadn’t met DH I would have frozen my eggs or had children on my own. My desire for kids was so strong I wouldn’t have been able to cope without trying for them

You're waving a huge red flag - this level of desperation is an immediate 'stop' signal to any decent, emotionally healthy guy with good boundaries.

You need to join classes where the majority are men, improve your odds and challenge gender stereotypes at the same time.

It might just be hormones. Don’t listen to them, they lie. What are your other reasons for wanting children?

I think you are trying too hard OP. When you meet people on OLD, I hope you're not giving off the same vibes as you are on here. It needs to happen more organically than you seem to be allowing it to

Do you decide after one date that you do not like the people you are meeting on OLD?

Is this for real if so I think men are going to be put off I feel the desperation in your post also waiting untill your 37 my friend is 38 and having a really difficult time conceiving as fertility declines alot after 35 not everyone of course but something to consider.

You sound desperate, and that is really off putting.

I agree with OhTheRoses, I know it is old fashioned but find some hobbies, get out into the community, you will be busy doing things you enjoy, meeting a wide range of people, who will have other contacts and introduce you to other people.

My friend (over 60) has just met a lovely man through the Ramblers .

Ideally and I hope I don’t offend anyone; I want to wait until I have a husband until I have children which is why I haven’t had a child yet.
I don't find this offensive, but a little confusing. Do you mean that you were in a relationship with someone that was serious enough you would have had a child, except for the fact he didn't want to marry? That otherwise, you'd be married with a child?

Is your point that you are specifically looking for someone who wants to go the traditional route and get married first? I don't think that limits your field too much, if that's why you mention it. Lots of men are up for getting married.

As for how to position yourself - well, on a bed strewn with rose petals comes to mind 😂 - but seriously, maybe read up a bit or ask on MN on different OLD types and strategies, as well as doing the various activities suggested. How many OLD dates have you been on so far? I did a poll once on here, and people said they'd been on anything from 5 to 100+ dates before they began a relationship.

Ignore anyone giving you grief over wanting to be married 🤔 it’s a PERSONAL choice just like breastfeeding...etc there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be married before having children and it’s actually a very sensible way to legally and financially protect yourself.

Anyways... I totally understand your plight. For me it kicked in a little earlier (24-25) whilst my friends casually dated musicians who wouldn’t commit I wanted to find ‘the one’!

OLD is a great tool, try using pictures that portray what you want...I didn’t have any of me drinking/partying...etc it was all country walks, beach, holidays ❤️ It repels the ‘party guys’ who waste time. Go for appropriate ages and avoid red flags (no ‘club promoters’, ‘Random self employed’....etc) My DH had AWFUL photos (most of them weren’t even of him 😂) but he’s really not a photo person at all! A lot of my friends valued appearance over men who were respectful and kind!

The early stages of dating are like an interview - is this someone you want to spend your life with? If things aren’t right now they won’t be later on. If he’s not keen, not committing, not kind - move on! And always pay close attention to how he speaks to/treats others around him.
‘My ex is a b’
‘My colleague is incompetent’
‘My brother is a waster’
‘Those old people are SOOO slow’
‘God those kids are annoying’

^ RUN- this is not your future DH

It’s great that you know what you want - and DO NOT be afraid to set out your expectations 🙈😂 Mix them in with career ambitions, travel and hobbies so you don’t scare him with ‘I want marriage and babies!’ 😂 but a year down the line is NOT the time to tell him you want those things.

Once you know you’re on the same page ‘long term’ try to put the ‘marriage and babies’ out of your mind - I know it’s hard when you really want it but ANY good relationship needs time to solidify first. I set 1 year in my head - and JUST focused on US.

Holidays, weekends away, days out, friends, hobbies, moving in together, becoming best friends - all the while making sure this IS the person you want in your life forever. (The aim is not just to find a guy willing to propose/impregnate)

DH and I were married 2 years after we met and TTC immediately after - I’m now 16+4
I’ve had HG- been HORRIBLY unwell and it’s tested our marriage more than I could have imagined. He’s my best friend though and all the good memories keep you going when it’s hard!

• You don’t need a man to have a baby, It will be easier to do it alone than with the wrong one! So try to view a DH - and a baby as two separate things rather than one being a step to the other!

I know it’s frustrating but don’t lose hope, they are out there!!