Me my life, everything broken

[timetostartagain]

I've tried to post a couple times today but it's been hard trying to write everything down and it's so long and messy

But I'm on my own, I don't know where to begin or what to do.
The short story is after a very up and down couple months my partner was arrested last night for destroying my house and I mean destroyed.
He's been released, packed some bags and gone I'm left to pick up the pieces.
I'm broken and my stuff is broken

@Halestorm I'm sorry you've been through this as well and I did really seriously consider damaging his stuff as well. But I'm already wrongly being blamed for his behaviour by him didn't want to give him anymore ammunition
There was no method to it he literally went on the rampage and destroyed everything.
He has previously destroyed his own stuff in a blind rage including his own laptop

People like this should come with a formal warning notice of quarantine so that they can not simply drift into somebody else’s life without them knowing of the increased risk.

I would not personally lower myself to their level by smashing up their belongings. I am worth far more than that and I want to stay that way.

Was he arrested? Is he getting charged or having to go to court? Do you have bail conditions? You can go to a lawyer and request that he legally cannot come near you. I'm so sorry you're going through this❤️

@darkcloudsandrainstorms you're right and that was also in my mind and yep they should. But they're so damn clever. He's a text book abuser, literally all the signs were screaming at me.
The support from everybody here is making me feel stronger, I know I'll have weak moments a big part of me is going to miss him and I will worry about him. He's miles and miles away from home with no support. The good times were really good but the toxic part was so so bad and I feel that over the last few months I've changed as a person so much.
I need to find myself again

Yes, probably best not to stoop to my level Timetostartagain
If he's also a work colleague it's worth a mention to HR or a trusted manager about the arrest if you have one.

I didn't work with Fucker but he did have friends that worked with me and who he tried to convince I was nuts. My OPs manager was a wonderful support in a very discreet way, such as moving me to a temporary night shift post so I could earn shift allowance to build up a rental deposit again and also be around less people - especially his friends which I needed at the time.

It's a long time ago and life has been brilliant since. I may have earned my red flag radar the harder way but it works a treat now.

@Halestorm yea I thought my red flag alarm was fairly robust,guess it really wasn't.
I'm lucky as his line manager is a really good friend of mine and he's making the relevant people aware of the situation.
To PP he was arrested but let go with a caution as he's never been in trouble before surprisingly
I shall re build and be stronger and be more cautious about who I let into my life

Years ago I had to call my Dad to tell him my marriage was over.. I sat waiting for him to disown me.. fully expected it even though it wasn’t ( mostly) my fault... he was there for me from the first phone call... call your Dad...

OP did your dad come round?

Yes he did, bought me round various bits of glue. I'm going to meet some friends in a bit for a drink.
Sitting here feels so quiet so surreal, I know I shouldn't miss him but I really do. It's strange being on my own

Op this is awful.
You may miss him but you have to be strong and resolute here. Take what he did to your things as the biggest warning. If you let him back in your life he could do the same to you. This is how this escalates. Please trust me here. He will have all the apologies, say all the right things. But the second you let him back through the door this will morph into him hating you for having him arrested, blaming you, minimising his actions , and trying to have you believe you DESERVED what he did.
Please don’t underestimate how much this will have impacted on you psychologically.
My ex partner did something similar, and it’s taken a significant amount of time, work and therapy to get to this point where I can function on a pretty basic level again. I have flashbacks every single night, and I frequently have dreams in which I’m trying to figure out how to escape from a building he is smashing to pieces around me.
It’s been devastating and I can only agree with the poster who suggested these men should come with a warning.
Please please, lean on your dad . Do anything you have to do. Cry until you can’t cry any more but do not let this man back in your life.

Time is a healer. You have your dad and your friends. Keep leaning on them.

So glad he beat the crap out of objects and not you.

I'm guessing insurance doesn't cover this sort of damage? On the plus side, it's maybe a time to think of a few changes and for a bit of furniture rearranging etc - make it your own house again. Any chance of recovering the costs from the thug ex-bf?

@StanleySteamer
It’s good the op wasn’t hurt.
But we mustn’t underestimate the huge impact this kind of violence has. Often the damage is just as severe as it would be with a punch, it’s just a different kind of damage.
I suffer massive flashbacks. I sleep in blocks of two hours . Then I wake with the nightmares.
I am hyper vigilant to body language. It took me two years to be able to feel fear again, after being scared for my own life. My body stopped reacting to normal fear. Whereas I’d always had incredible concentration for work and study, after this happened to me I couldn’t read a paragraph without my brain just interrupting my train of thought with a flashback.
A man who commits this type of crime is often released with a caution.
In cases where there are children involved , a woman may still have to hand them over to a man like this for contact.
Imagine watching a man destroy your house , seemingly with unstoppable, uncontrollable rage, then being forced to hand your tiny baby over to him afterwards, knowing how much he hates you doubly now for ‘having him arrested’.
When will authorities treat this type of crime with the seriousness it deserves?!

I so truly appreciate everybody taking time out to respond to my post and to share their stories it's so hard to get to grips that these people exist.
After all your comments and spending time with friends and family I do feel more positive, but I know that will be up and down especially at work tomorrow.
A lot of you have commented about him not hitting me, he has done previously the last time only a couple weeks ago.
The basis of my post was on last nights events and the devastation of how it had got to this point, it's been a long toxic journey that I'm now at the end off
I will rebuild myself and has a PP said rebuild my house my way.

I take my post back then, didn't realise. Sorry for you but happy that at last you are getting the toerag out of your life. The only way out is up and I am so pleased you have family to support you.

@StanleySteamer no worries, I didn't highlight the fact that he has been violent to me. In all honesty as shocking as that is the level of damage he caused to my house was in a weird way more upsetting, but I can't put my finger on why.

Might it be that hitting you, although it's a worse thing to do is maybe something that could be attributed to a "red mist" descending and him losing control?
Whereas systematically destroying your stuff seems more calculated?
And hitting you hurts your body but destroying your stuff and your home destroys your safe place, your sanctuary?

It is a new version of horribleness, breaking your things.

But you should be cracking open the champers that he's gone.

You're free.

I hope your dad and friends can support you right now Xxxx

Im glad you rang your dad, I bet he is too. You can do this, please look after yourself

So glad you called your dad , theres no shame in that lovey and he would want to know.
Wish I could come help you clean up . This has happened to me many times in the past it's always our stuff the destroy bastards! But it doesn't matter they can be replaced! And an excuse to upgrade somethings because you deserve it x

I know everyone here is trying to be supportive.
But honestly saying it’s ‘just stuff’ that can be replaced is really just minimising this serious type of abuse. As women we have to come together and ensure authorities start to treat this kind of behavior more seriously.
My ex partner not only destroyed my stuff, he insisted I watch as it was broken with the utmost violence and rage. Precious things, Mothers Day drawings from my children, treasures I’d collected, the little things that you keep forever. Then all the big stuff too. All wrecked and ruined. Ok so you can replace stuff. But there’s something pretty heavy psychologically about having someone do something so cruel. And being in it is terrifying.

When someone is in your home smashing things with full force and you’re desperately trying to save yourself and get help, trying to wait for police, wondering if you’re going to be smashed to pieces next.... well. It’s not ‘just stuff’.

It is psychologically damaging Sevenlambs I had a year of counselling in the aftermath, and to this day find any kind of conflict very stressful.

What he's saying when he damages your things is "I could do this to you" it's an implied threat to keep you in line, to scare you and intimidate you into behaving the way they want.

We all leave relationships like these with scars, some seen, some unseen. All are tough.

These types of relationships are so mentally damaging, but I'm strong I've always been strong. Talking to my friends last night turns out they've all been worried about me for sometime because they've seen me become some one I'm not, high anxiety always on edge.
I'm still feeling positive today everybody here and in RL have been so so good with the support I never expected it tbh.
I'm taking easy for now as I'm also ill but once I'm better I know I'll be back to the person I've always been.
I do find myself worrying about him and wandering if he's ok, but I do stop myself, his problems are no longer mine.

Just checking in to see how you are. So difficult and distressing.It takes a ling time to properly deal with the things. Will be thinking of you. Always come back on for support. Take care of yourself. Big warm hugs and best wishes