Ghosted at 50 ... come help me learn from this

[Littlebitwiser]

FFS I'm a proper grown up 50 year old woman and somehow I managed to get myself in this situation.

Totally ignored all the red flags. Way too keen too early... massively over affectionate and involved ... questionable attitude and history to relationships.

For me it was just meant to be a bit of fun. He's totally unsuitable for a relationship so I thought it didn't matter that he wasn't relationship material. But the speed with which it went from love bombing to ghosting was brutal and I am feeling surprisingly hurt.

I've been single by choice for a long time now and, although it wasn't real, the experience has shown me that I would like a relationship.

Is this how dating is these days? And does anyone have any advice to help me do better next time?

My friend was in a relationship for 18m and got ghosted for 5 months after things looking OK.. Theyre recently back together.. People fascinate me.
Will you see him again at all.. I. E bump into him?

I wish I did! I'm 50 too and have given up on dating for all those reasons. Of course you must pay attention to red flags, but try meeting someone who doesn't have any! That is the challenge. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful but I haven't managed to figure it out myself.

You are welcome on the OLD thread, op. Dating is a nightmare, but we are a great support to each other.

I'm sorry you're struggling, what he did was rubbish. Ghosting is so cowardly.

Don't get invested in people too early. I was ghosted once after a 2 year relationship...when I was in hospital with a head injury. He did crawl back after some months, but I told him where to go as it is disgusting behaviour. It is so cowardly to ghost someone but it is a sign of modern times, sadly. You have to realise it is about them, and their poor social skills and ruthless approach to people deemed no longer interesting/ useful etc. The internet is also to blame as years ago, people dated others in work, their community or via hobbies/ interests...now people are on the internet and have wider choice. They are keeping an eye out for the next person to chase up. Of course, not everyone is like this but I suspect as we get older then it is difficult to find someone not damaged by previous relationships, or who is not a player.

This is the problem with people who are full on and then ghost you. The fact is, their feelings are fake. They have major issues. And they are just trying to suck you into a Ponzi scheme.

I have PMd you

Another problem with people like this is that they are very persistent with calling you, texting you loads, so when they suddenly stop you realised that you had become accustomed to that level of contact with them which is why you feel bad. To them it was just a game and they won't be any different with other people.

Obviously your feelings are still hurt but this sort of person can only be dealt with by cutting them off.

The level of insight on this thread has been really helpful for me. Sad to see ghosting is do common though, but I suppose from that comes this sort of support.

Thank you all - some great perspectives and support on here.

I guess I did get used to the level of contact (usually something that sends me running for the hills) and I totally get that it wasn't real (I did manage to hang on to a bit of common sense).

He's very local to me so it's entirely likely I will bump into him. Oddly enough we didn't meet through OLD but maybe I should give it a try.

Sorry this rubbish behaviour seems so common. Surely it's not that hard to be upfront and respectful with others?

I am your age and this happened to me with someone I was dating. He had moved on with someone else but obviously didn't want to tell me to avoid an angry or upset message back from me. I was hurt at the time but in hindsight I can see that I wasn't really his type and we have different interests.

From reading posts on here it seems that ghosting often happens. It can be hurtful whether you have just seen someone a few times or for a while.

I think you just have to carry on dating, when you are ready, and try to meet someone who is right for you.

I was out there dating between 43 and 47 (ish) and got burnt a few times. A lovebomber tried to ghost me as well so been in your shoes.

My only advice is to write down what would be ideal for you when it's theory because if you're like me, when it's practice, the ideals you can identify when it's a theoretical relationship seem to be hard to bring about when it's in practice. So if for your next relationship you think the lesson you've learnt is that you are only available twice a week and you don't explain why you're not available the rest of the week, stick to that in practice because you owe it to yourself. I think I used to let all my ideals (or boundaries really) get blurred because I felt obliged to make exceptions or see the best in somebody.

The man who tried to ghost me, I rang him on another phone and told him that even though he wasn't brave enough to end it, I was brave enough to ring and draw a line under it. He ended up being really defensive but I stayed very calm and said that I was in no way attempting to change his mind if that's what he thought, but that I was brave enough to ring him and end it. Actually, when I rang him, he said ''can I ring you later?'' and I said ''no we will do this now''. So although mumsnet advice is to never ring them when they ghost you, I felt like ringing him put me in control. And of course then, when the phone call was over I had the resolution of knowing that that was that. There was no query about whether he'd pop up like a bad penny one night.

I’ve just been ghosted, well I say just - it happened in July after a nine year relationship, I’m 54 and I can honestly say I was completely blindsided and traumatised. I’m still having bad days and wondering how I got the man I thought I knew and loved so completely wrong. It happened over a two week period when I realised what was going on, I thought he was playing his usual mind games until finally I returned his belongings from my house to his while he was at work and took my things from his and posted his key. He denied he was seeing anyone but lo and behold a couple of weeks later I found photos of him with this woman. He didn’t have the decency to own up to it and still denied it.
Being ghosted like that is probably one of the worst things I’ve experienced and I don’t think I will get over it or trust another man, I feel so used and sad.😢

Sorry to hear you're going through this my advice is to read up about narcissistic personality disorder - lovebombing, future faking, triangulation, stonewalling, ghosting, these are all weapons in the narcissists arsenal - and there are a lot of them around! Sadly anyone single who would like to be in a relationship is vulnerable to being exploited by these fools. The best defence is strong boundaries and being really clear with yourself and them about how you expect to be treated in a relationship and that you will not be settling for anything less, no matter how much they try to control you with charm and harm!

A lot of men in particular are just cowards, so instead of telling you they just ‘go away’ - bloody weird.

It doesn't get better as you get older sadly. I'm 53 next month and single for 7 years. I've been ghosted, catfished etc so many times now I've given up

There was no query about whether he'd pop up like a bad penny one night.

This is a really good point. Because these people always come back.

Thank you for your support and advice, he was completely charming in the beginning, asked me to marry him very early on, great with the kids in the beginning but as they got a bit older he didn’t seem to like that we had to run around after them, pick them up so much, he wanted to be number one, I had realised he was controlling and moved out of his house 3 years ago but although I knew he played mind games, which I won’t go into, he was also great fun and I loved him and I had actually started to think about moving back in with him. I still can’t get over the fact we were actually on very different pages.
I can see why anyone would want to be with him and the lady he’s with now has a two year old and will be smitten especially when she sees how well he interacts with them and he’s very good at diy and can cook. But I do feel like I should warn her of his games, like when he was annoyed with me he would ignore the kids as he knew it upset me, or hide things. There were so many bad things and I know in a couple of years it will probably happen to her but how do you warn someone without looking like the woman scorned?
My friends have seen how he can be - life and soul but also tell me he’s not a nice person. As I’ve got older I’ve started to think that no one’s perfect. Why can’t people do the decent thing and say ‘sorry, this just isn’t working’

I don’t think he’ll pop up again, as long as he’s having sex somewhere else he’ll be happy.

What is future faking ? Is it like in the beginning he was being all cute saying we’d walk to the post office together and collect our pensions, travel together when retired ? That kind of thing ? And triangulation - I’ve never heard of this , I will read up on it. Thank you.

Why can’t people do the decent thing and say ‘sorry, this just isn’t working’

Because modern life means we can easily avoid those difficult conversations. Block phone numbers, unfriend on social media etc.

So I really don’t understand how people in the 45-55 age bracket do this. I have been ghosted by a woman (49, who is incredibly intelligent and sane) but not blocked (which I find odd).

Can’t understand how decency disappeared with the internet

I think society supports men's cowardice in particular. All these narratives about there is no fury likeva woman scorned etc rather than the logical consequence of being treated badly is that a person might feel upset.

There is a lot of pressure on women to just accept being ghosted , lead on, future faked etc....

All of the advice is raise your bar but when a man has misrepresented himself and faked respect, even then the modern advice is to just say nothing.

And i get that. I've been in those shoes of not wantingvto flatter a man by letting him know i cared he moved on. But i have also called out a man for attempting to ghost me. Rang to say i was brave enough to have one conversation to draw a line under the mcrelationship. I felt better afterwards. I felt like the man. He felt like a coward.

Future faking is acting like you're going to have an amazing future together when they already know full well that you're not and triangulation is playing you off against someone or something else, could be the ex, could be another woman, could be his family, basically anytime you're made to feel like you're somehow not good enough or made to doubt yourself in the relationship because of something or someone else

as long as he’s having sex somewhere else he’ll be happy.

Yeah. These people usually transition between several. On and off.

It saddens me that so many of us have been treated this way. My daughter who’s 23 said she didn’t know anyone this had happened to and was disgusted.
I’m glad I came on here for support, I asked him to remove everything from his house I’d bought, blinds furnishings lights etc. I’d spent thousands on his house and I asked for some things back as I knew it would be the only way he would feel upset as he couldn’t afford to replace them. A friend asked me ‘don’t you want to be dignified and leave them?’ I said hell no, he would not even feel a fraction of the pain I’m feeling. It was as if I wasn’t allowed to be upset.
I’m feeling more normal now thanks to all your support.