How to move on from an affair

[Biggles398]

Long time lurker, first time poster!
Have any of you moved on with your partners after an affair (emotional or physical, or both!!)? If so, how did you do it, practically and more importantly, emotionally? Apart from them going no contact with the OW, what did They do, what did you do as a couple and how did you personally cope with what happened ? Does there need to be full disclosure over what happened between them, or are you better off not knowing? And (!) If you have decided to stay together/move on, how did you personally cope with the thought flashing through your mind?
(We are going through counselling as a couple)
Thank you in advance!

Read Not Just Friends . Shirley Glass.

Agree with PP - read it together!
I think full disclosure is imperative to help you get over things.
The questions will just go round and round in your head otherwise with no conclusions.
You will also need some counselling on your own. You need to work through your own emotions without him there.
I couldn't get over it - I think I tried for about a day and knew I'd never forgive or forget. I knew I'd never view him the same way again. The hurt he caused was never going to go away.
Many many couples do work through it though.
Do you have DC together?

I am 9 months on from the day I found out .
I don't have any answers, though on many days it feels better than it did at first, but it is a terrible roller coaster.

This is a link which might give your husband a few ideas about what to do to not make things worse. My husband did most of the things on the link, and they felt awful to me. The man's manner and voice might be a bit annoying to you, but I thought this would have been helpful to us 9 months ago. I think it might be worth listening to the whole thing, even if at first you don't think it is going to be any use.

I struggle with recurring terrible thoughts, and one thing which has been helpful to me is to say to the thoughts: "not now". If I am in a reasonable state of mind, this can work.

I also am trying to take care of myself, and this includes superficial things things like buying new clothes (which I never normally do) and trying to eat healthy food, but also deeper things like trying to become a happier, more positive person, trying to address my personal flaws, trying not to hide my head in the sand. This is incredibly hard, and I can't say I am doing all that well, but I know it is crucial for me.

Yoga with Adriene helps me. Talking to my one very close friend who knows everything helps me.

Realising that you can have a second marriage to the same person but you can't return to the first marriage is probably helpful, but I am not strong enough to be there yet, unfortunately.

Reading stuff online about how impossible it is to get over an affair (that includes most of what is written about affairs on Mumsnet) is one of the things I do which is not particularly helpful. Stalking the OW on Instagram, which I also do obsessively, is not very helpful.

Every day I have moments where I am overwhelmed, flooded, by feelings of terrible pain, and I question everything. Slowly, these moments are getting further apart. On most days, I do believe that sticking with your long term partner, realising that getting through this together is a chance for both people to grow and become better humans, can be a precious and idealistic thing to do.

Sometimes in the short term improvements can be made BUT the devastation is always there years later . My experience is that couples often split up a few years down the line after the initial attempt to continue.

PurrBox it sounds like your mental health and well being has taken an enormous battering. All those intrusive, recurring thoughts, obsessions, being flooded with pain and questioning everything for the last 9 months and ongoing - is it truly worth this damage?

Had you split up over it, you would be well on the road to recovery by now. Most women who leave their cheating partner say it was horrible at first, but then comes the relief of beeing free from worrying about what the ex is up to, as it can no longer hurt them. They regain their own sense of self worth.

You talk of a 'second marriage' with the person - but it is still the same person who betrayed you and your relationship.

Oh, I forgot to say the most important thing-
I am so sorry, OP, that you are going through this hell.

If you feel like telling some of the details about your situation, I might be more helpful. There are lots of different types of affair, and my husband's seems like the worst type to deal with.

(Here is a link discussing different types of affair- I found understanding more about what my husband's affair meant was helpful for me
infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/affair-types/
There might be better links than this one- it just gives you an idea, in case you are just figuring this out.)

Mariana most people on Mumsnet agree with you, I know. Thanks for your point of view; you may well be right, but it is not helpful to me to hear this at this moment.

I tried for 2 years. At times I felt we were making progress but when I look back it was a one-sided compromise on my part. During that time I really lost myself to this anger at myself because I was so scared. It almost felt like Stockholm Syndrome.

His second affair was my chance at a new life and it really is a new life. Its come with challenges but with time I found myself again.

I just felt that despite what he said was full disclosure (it wasn't) I just lost that complete trust that I need and deserve.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are options for you and these include you finding the life, love and respect you deserve.

PurrBox I didn't post with the intent to hurt. I'm concerned about your well being. You seem to be turning yourself inside out to accommodate the devastating results the cheating has on you. It's consuming you, affecting you badly, day in day out. Please look after yourself.

OP, my point in telling you how hard this time has been for me was not to discourage you. I am sorry if it came across that way! My point is to say, don't feel discouraged if it is harder and a longer road than you are expecting, because it does get better, just slowly.

I think it is great if, early on, your husband is willing to try hard and to listen- a very good sign.

Mariana I know you are not trying to hurt! And I don't mind what you said-

Perhaps I didn't express myself well in my first post.

Thank you all. In particular to you purrbox.
You sound amazingly like me!! Not sure if that is a good thing, but so many things you said, I am just thinking "finally, someone who feels it".
It is so easy for some to say LTB, but without all facts and figures, it's not always as black and white in practice .
In a way, it has been a positive thing for me as well as us, but it is my way of dealing with all the thoughts in my head. And to be fair, a lot of the thoughts are completely irrational, but they're still there and while he can reassure me all he can/wants, I need a way to deal with them myself!!

Yes. It was 17 years ago. We've been married 21.

We talked about it. I understood to some extent why - all him and his crap role models/childhood. I was very clear about the choices. It was like starting again and it was a decision to move on. I decided that if I wanted to be with him, I also had to chose that.
I have never used it in an argument. I have also never made it about me. It wasnt.
We moved on and attended to us rather than focusing on the ins and outs of what he did. We did talk about it. He actively chose to be with me and I actively chose to be with him. We stayed together because we wanted to not because we had to or needed to. That changed us for the better I think.
I'm not saying I wasn't hurt, I was angry and sad. I also believe no-one is perfect and in forgiveness. And I think you can only forgive completely.
We have been through other hard times since then and he has always stepped up.
Life is messy. You have a choice to fix it if you both want to. And that's the question, do you want to?

I am so glad that I could make you feel understood, OP. Feeling understood is important.

Yes but I never really got over it. Neither will you. It will never go away and it will pop into your mind forever. It's just how it is. I know I'd never fully trust anyone ever again, not just him. Anyone could just as easily do the same.

and they expect you to get over it in a very short period of time ...

Agree with @Absolom I have serious trust issues now where as before I was almost too trusting of others. Now that trust has been broken by the one person I thought I could always rely on I refuse to let anyone in. Very sad indeed

@PurrBox your posts absolutely break my heart.

I know you said you don't want to hear that staying with your partner is destroying you & your mental health, but it's painfully clear that it is.

I wish you the strength to one day move on without him.

It is hard to forgive - bloody hard. Dh kissed a colleague well over a year ago and it almost destroyed me. Typically she had marriage problems and he became a shoulder to cry on. He is a natural rescuer and has now put firm boundaries in place. He confessed to me on his knees begging for forgiveness. It knocked me for six - did not know whether I was coming or going. I questioned everything and everyone - I do not quite see people in the same way.

I met ow several times at socials. They no longer work together. Dh relocated to another office then moved jobs.

We have come a long way after months of me screaming at him, scorning him, being close then pushing him away. I now realise being nasty does not work. I either stay and stop throwing it in his face or leave and later divorce.

For months I wanted to watch him suffer and hate himself for what he did. I felt if I did not mention it daily he may think we are back to normal. I was a bitch and felt he deserved it.

If he had slept with someone I do not how I would cope. I am in awe of some of the posters on this forum that work through it. It takes major strength and a big heart.

AlkaSelz I think it is really dismissive to respond the way that you did to me. You don't know me (or my mental health) and you have made no attempt to look at my posts in a subtle or nuanced way.

The OP was asking to discuss the process of trying to rebuild a marriage in the aftermath of an affair, and posts like yours (and to some extent Mariana's) make it very hard for someone like me, who is going through a complex process, to speak honestly and openly.

Perhaps you think that no marriage can ever recover from an affair, and that all the people who stay in marriages after affairs or after other forms of betrayal are living in a deluded and unhealthy state. There are plenty of threads about affairs where people voice those opinions vociferously, and that is fine. I frequently agree with them.

It is also true that all the marriages I know well which have gone on for 25+ years have faced significant challenges at some time or other. The people who have weathered the storms and ended up with a fulfilling marriage have had to go through some difficult times, and have had to examine themselves, grow as individuals, come to terms with the fact that we are all deeply flawed creatures, and that marriage is a journey which is complicated.

I think it is a bit crappy to come on to this particular thread and speak in the way you did. I realise that you mean well, but your post makes me even more reluctant to write anything or share my experiences.

OP, I am sorry that your thread has been a little derailed-

I hope other people will come and offer some advice or experience which might help you. Perhaps if you said how long ago you found out about the affair, and if you wanted to tell a bit about your marriage someone might be able to write with a bit more relevance.

I wish you all the best-

Purrbox you are seeking reassurance from others who have faced similar situations and come out well on the other side. I remember reading everything and anything to give me hope. I wanted someone to tell me it would be okay, that the gut wrenching pain and anxiety would go, that you will not continously see images or think about it. I can tell you that these moments will pass but it will take time. You need to feel the raw emotions and not be quick to cover over them. They will only rise up when you least expect it. Do not rush the process.

There will be posters who do not agree with reconciliation after an affair (whether emotional or full blown sex) and will say so. It is difficult not to be affected by their words. If you have to, hide posts that make you question your decision.

@Purrbox
I agree, people are very quick to judge and throw out opinions, but ultimately it’s your relationship and your decision. Hearing comments like that from strangers when you didn’t ask for them really isn’t helpful.

Purrbox I am experiencing almost exactly what you are. I know my friends and even my GP are very worried about me. But no therapy in the world will change the facts for me.And that is what I cant cope with

So, OP , as you can see , there are no easy answers. I guess some people, with help and cooperation , can move on and try to establish a new relationship.
Or others , like me andPurrbox don't appear to be ever able to accept the betrayal of trust and probably need tok seperate.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. It is such a difficult time .Look after yourself.

Currently going through this. The pain is unreal. I want to split up hubby wants to work it out. For the 1st 3 months I was in shock. Then the angry came and omg it was bad. We did go to concellseing which helped him tell me what I wanted to know. (How many how long) he is really really trying to make it work but for me I just can’t see it. I am not in a good place mentally and he knows it and is trying to help me but I know I need to work this out myself. I feel like the walls have closed in around me and I can’t see a way out. It’s only been 5 months so early days . All u can do is take one day at a time. Take care