How to move on from an affair

[Biggles398]

Long time lurker, first time poster!
Have any of you moved on with your partners after an affair (emotional or physical, or both!!)? If so, how did you do it, practically and more importantly, emotionally? Apart from them going no contact with the OW, what did They do, what did you do as a couple and how did you personally cope with what happened ? Does there need to be full disclosure over what happened between them, or are you better off not knowing? And (!) If you have decided to stay together/move on, how did you personally cope with the thought flashing through your mind?
(We are going through counselling as a couple)
Thank you in advance!

Rainandspirit Me too.Yes to him only being able to talk in counselling - a safe place for him .
But OMG , the anger!
Think I would benefit from counselling myself as I know I need help to have a peaceful mind. Currently relying on Xanax , which is not good.
Or maybe the solution is to remove the problem ,- get rid of husbands.

Gosh , OP , complete thread hijack ! But maybe you are able to see what sort of situation you are in .Do you think you can forgive him?If so, keep working together . If not , put plans in place.

Opinions and advice are helpful , but ultimately , only you can make your decision.And don't let anyone judge you either way. But please , give yourself time , so that you can make a rational choice .

Actually, we are staying together. While I have difficult times, I am having more good times too, and I am also trying to take care of myself and trying to fix things about myself that have been troubling me for many years. I wrote to the OP admitting that this process is really hard and that recovery is slow. Things are getting better for us.

Stillfunny you are so right that nothing can change the facts! However, I am finding that when I can accept the facts, but also accept that things are now different from how they were, I feel that I want to stay with my husband.

I think a lot of it is the unknown!! People are right only you can make a choice that is right for you . Staying or leaving I think are all hard.
Time is a healer but time goes by so slowly .
Or so it seems.
One thing that does come out in all treads is that we need to look after ourselves. And that is what I am working on. And finding it nice. I no longer feel guilty if I take an hour out for a walk/ class treat. So that’s a good thing .
Best of luck

@PurrBox AlkaSelz I think it is really dismissive to respond the way that you did to me. You don't know me (or my mental health) and you have made no attempt to look at my posts in a subtle or nuanced way.

On the contrary. I don't want to get into any kind of argument or slanging match with you, so I'm not going to engage in a war of words, but please rest assured that I read your posts VERY carefully and several times before I replied to you.

Perhaps you think that no marriage can ever recover from an affair, and that all the people who stay in marriages after affairs or after other forms of betrayal are living in a deluded and unhealthy state. There are plenty of threads about affairs where people voice those opinions vociferously, and that is fine. I frequently agree with them.

I don't automatically think that. I do, however, think that a relationship/marriage in which one person has been very badly damaged by the other, and in which the innocent party is suffering, every day, from - in your own words -

• 'recurring terrible thoughts'
• 'obsessive stalking'

and - 'overwhelmed, flooded, by feelings of terrible pain',

does not in any sense resemble a relationship/marriage that is doing you any good at all.

Those are all symptomatic of damaged mental health and suffering.

Please don't assume that I am speaking from a position of inexperience or naivety here.

It is also true that all the marriages I know well which have gone on for 25+ years have faced significant challenges at some time or other. The people who have weathered the storms and ended up with a fulfilling marriage have had to go through some difficult times, and have had to examine themselves, grow as individuals, come to terms with the fact that we are all deeply flawed creatures, and that marriage is a journey which is complicated.

Yes - that's all well and good - but what you describe is not a mutual situation of self-examination and individual growth. It's the ultimate and deepest betrayal, and it's you that is suffering.Not your cheating husband.

I think it is a bit crappy to come on to this particular thread and speak in the way you did. I realise that you mean well, but your post makes me even more reluctant to write anything or share my experiences.

Again - I don't mind you lashing out at me but I'm not the one who made you any promises, and I'm not the one who caused you this pain. I'm sorry that it hurts you so much to have people reflect your own words and experiences back at you. You should not be suffering like this. You do not deserve to be suffering like this. No one and no relationship is worth this kind of suffering.

My post was motivated by nothing but compassion for you. Marriage is not meant to be an endurance contest, of who can take the most blows and the worst pain and still 'stick it out'. When your marriage has turned you into a broken person who is suffering terribly, it is not right to be advising other people that they should try to continue down that same path.

I feel we are derailing this thread, but I guess it is ok because the OP is not really writing on it much at the moment.

I didn't think saying that writing the way you did was: "a bit crappy...but you mean well" constitutes "lashing out", but I am sorry it came across that way.

It doesn't hurt me to have people who don't know me tell me to dump my husband (because I am obviously miserable). I find it frustrating because I think it makes for an uninteresting conversation.

I am also frustrated with myself because I obviously wrote badly in my first post; I meant to give a more nuanced picture of my feelings, which go up and down. Clearly I came across as more miserable and less hopeful than I perceive myself to be. Perhaps I wrote at a bad moment.
If I hadn't felt I needed to start arguing with people who are telling me I am miserable, pursuing the wrong course, clearly mentally damaged, I would have liked to talk more about my journey, and heard from other people. This is clearly not going to happen now, which I think is a bit of a shame.

Finally, you mention that I am "advising other people" to join me in my path-- the path which has "turned me into a broken person who is suffering terribly".
I would never presume to advise anyone, I merely try to explain my feelings to someone who, like me, at the moment feels that the right thing for her is to try to weather the storm of an affair.

@PurrBox
I totally get what you're saying

On Mumsnet any hint of any type of affair it's automatically
LTB

I see many marriage recover from infidelity- and worse.

(Some don't but feel such bitterness)

The pain you describe is part of the growth process and this does pass.

Op doesn't want sympathy she wants strength.

Yes you can get through this.
Many do.
Look ti your self and find your inner woman.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

This is one of those.

It takes time but you'll get there.

Purrbox
How long have you know about your dh's infidelity?
Did he confess it or did you discover this?
How long did the infidelity last?

All of the above will impact greatly on your recovery time.

In answer to your questions:
*Dh and I went for counselling
*Dh was willing to do anything to make our marriage work
*Dh tolerated my shouting, harsh words and I hit him on several occasions (not advisable)
*I asked dh the same questions over and over to test if he would slip up. I needed to know absolutely everything.
*For the first two/three months I had constant visuals in my mind of them kissing and thought it would kill me. I had panic attacks at work, on the street. Over a year later ow may come to mind once a day. What helped me was reading the following on an infidelity website:
"The visial in your mind is not happening right now, it has passed. It has gone"
*Dh disclosed his shame to his close family
*Dh was able to identify where he went wrong and deal with issues of abandonment from childhood

Thanks all. I deliberately haven't told you any more details because tbh, that's not what is important. Plus it is far too long a story to involve strangers online as it really isnt as clear cut as "he had an affair, what do I do?". And in general, mumsnet is very much LTB when there has been an affair. That's not to say that is right or wrong for everyone.
I'm sure some of you are reading this now, thinking "what a mug, how delusional is she?!", but again, without knowing the full story, I will allow you to think that, it really doesn't bother me! I really did just want advice or ideas from those that have been through similar. Some of the thought that go through my head are seriously delusional and when I stop myself, seriously wonder how the heck my mind wandered off in that direction! Someone above said a good way to stop was to say "not right now" and for purrbox and others that said they are working in themselves, I too have been doing this. NOT to make myself better for HIM, but for me.
But thank you to all of you for being honest and helpful, it really does help reading other opinions and ideas

I asked about when you found out because I think that different things help at different stages. For instance, if this is early days, and the revelation of the affair was a huge shock to both of you, I have some suggestions for him (some of it in the video I posted, but also some other helpful and more personal thoughts).

For me it has been important to get the whole truth about the past, but that is perhaps because of the nature of the situation I am in, which I am not going to talk about on here. Finding out and going through the details with my husband demystifies them and allows me to put them to bed. At first, knowing details is painful and 'triggering' but I have found that I can cope much better with things I know than with things I imagine, so I ask the questions. So, OP, have you talked your 'seriously delusional' thoughts through thoroughly and repeatedly with your remorseful and truthful husband?

At first, these discussions with my husband, were incredibly turbulent and were happening very often. After 9 months, the tone has changed and I only have this need to rehash things every few days or every week. If my husband were unable to go through things repeatedly, I would no longer be with him. It has been incredibly hard for him, as he is someone who copes with problems by putting them behind them and looking to the future in a positive way, but he has been able to change his way of dealing with life in order to help me come to terms with his betrayal. Seeing how he has changed, suffered, come to think differently, and got much closer to me, has been the main thing that helps me.

I still have very dark moments, as I mentioned at first, and I am still way too invested in trying to understand his OW. I have a lot of thoughts on this, which again I am not willing to write about here. Definitely, coming to terms with who she is is more important to me than I could have imagined. Before this happened to me I was one of the people who think: "He's the one who betrayed you- she doesn't matter to you". So, OP, have you addressed your feelings about her? Have you figured out what they symbolise in your life? The nature of your husband's affair could easily make my ideas here totally irrelevant to you.

One thing that has helped me immensely is that I have written a series of unsent emails to my husband and to his OW. Some of them are quick messages, some are long discussions which I have thought about quite deeply. They have been a great way to relieve my upset feelings, or to organise my thoughts. These days, I do this for maybe 10 minutes every 3 weeks, but in the first couple of months I did it a lot!

OP, you mention that if you stay with your unfaithful husband people tend to think: "What a mug, how delusional is she?!" Well, I was delusional before I knew that the affair was happening, and I have spent 9 months slowly coming to terms with reality. Now that I am no longer delusional, do I still want to be married to my husband- the real man, not the one in the delusion? For me, the answer has always been: "Yes!". But, that is the question that people who stay in long term marriages have to ask themselves whenever their marriage presents challenges to them.

I think learning to be honest about who you are, and about who the person you choose to spend your life with is, is one of the great challenges, and also one of the great joys, of life. Affairs are one of the things (but by no means the only thing) which can be a sign that the person you are married to is a different person from the one you thought you were married to.

I am almost exactly a year on from finding out and it has easily been the worst time of my life.

I think we will make it though, DH has changed completely (for the better) and is now the most loving understanding supportive person I could wish for. On good days I know I can forgive him and we will have the life we deserve together. On bad days I am distraught still and don’t know how I will get through this, but he is patient and kind and so sorry about what he did that I make it through. There are less bad days as time goes on.

A long (generally) happy partnership doesn’t have to be thrown away if both partners are willing to try, and if we don’t make it we’ll know we have given it our best shot.

Oh and Relate counselling (individual) has been absolutely amazing to help me, I’m not sure I could have managed without it.

Strangely though what helped me totally boils down to 2 things:

1. It’s perfectly Ok not to be Ok - feeling shit is a normal reaction when something awful happens to you. This helped me stop thinking I was going insane...

1. Don’t bottle things up - tell him how you are feeling - that always helps me plus it has the added bonus of letting him see the damage he’s done.