Do I get therapy, or do just get a fucking grip?

[AliciaWhiskers]

One for discussion, really.

I've had many, many forms of counselling over the years, and I'm not sure I'm any better for them, really.

Do I try again, and try and get past the same mistakes I keep on making, or do I just get a grip and get with life?

Was just about to post exact same as @Iwouldrathernot. Clinical Psychologist using CAT has had a transformative effect for me. Hope you find something that works for you x

I’ve had a variety of counselling types, with a not dissimilar background.

I think it boils down to the connection you have with the therapist and also the timing of it tbh.

I had one therapist who was amazing, sorted out loads with her. A couple who were pretty good and it did help. A few who were a waste of time. One who made things worse.

The one who was amazing, because I was engaged with it, it also helped me do a lot of work on my own, during the time and after.

Apart from the amazing one, the best thing I’ve found is to have a relaxing massage regularly, Make sure I have a few hours free afterwards, then let myself sink into what I’m thinking/feeling about whatever past or present issue I’m dealing with at the time. It just gets me in a relaxed frame of mind, where I feel safe.

I agree with the comment about not getting re-traumatised. My therapist has helped me massively in being able to explore and discuss issues without being re-traumatised.

Thanks for all the replies. Lots for me to look into and think about.

Safety is a massive thing for me. It feels ironic to say that when I've been in abusive relationships, but I am always trying to keep myself safe, and take very few risks. I had been wondering if this were a bad thing, and something I should look to change, although it's come up a few times on this thread and I'm wondering actually if it's more common than I thought for people to act in ways that serve as safety behaviours, and maybe they don't need to be changed.

Think you’re right re safety. It’s sensible adaptation.

Proper psychotherapy. I’d recommend Transactional Analysis- but I would say that because I’m a transactional analyst! Seriously, if you want to see where these patterns of belief come from and where your scripty behaviours originate, TA looks at how you became who you are and, crucially, how you can be a different version of you rather than being just ‘different’.

@AliciaWhiskers - Look for psychodynamic psychotherapy or psychoanalytical psychotherapy.

With therapy you really have to keep trying until you find the right one for you. I also did try a Clinical Psychologist privately at one point- it was pretty much the same, if not more fluffy actually.

I have Borderline traits and what's working for me is a form of therapy called EMDR. It'll be a change from anything you've tried before, if you haven't tried it. Borderline is caused by trauma, and most of the issues you describe can be caused by past trauma anyway, so I think it'd help. I was very skeptical, but it is evidence based and I've been fairly impressed.

It's not a choice between therapy and getting a grip- therapy is a way of getting a grip!

You do also have to do things in everyday life, if that's what you mean. Best wishes xxx

I say trauma- with me it was 'just' things like a history of being bullied and rejection by people, it doesn't necessarily have to be something conventionally seen as highly traumatic like abuse or anything. What matters is the effect it had on you. xx

@AliciaWhiskers if you can look for an Adlerian psychotherapist that might be a good fit for you. They focus on not pathologizing people but instead acknowledging "symptoms" as attempts by the person to solve the problems they perceive they have (if that makes sense) and then work backwards from there to change habits so that the symptoms can fade away, because new habits are meeting the need instead.

Your "safety" concerns for example. You may be in a habit of staying in an abusive situation (for example) because it's "safer" than the unknown. Etc. etc. (I may be totally wrong about that but that's the kind of thing Adlerian therapy can look at). A new approach might be, "I'll learn how to assess safety threats, and I'll practice how to remove myself from situations where I don't want to be" and the therapist helps you learn how to do those things.

Also Adlerian therapy tries to help clients to change their focus from themselves into a broader perspective of the community. It can include group therapy where you can meet other people who you can learn from, and who you can also support. That give-and-take and building of trust and skill in the group can be really powerful for someone who is worried about her safety in the world, etc. and who struggles with self loathing. It's a chance to see how other people see you - usually as much more wonderful than you see yourself iyswim.

Alderian therapy includes a lot of CBT elements when they are needed. E.g. for habit change strategies and dealing with negative thoughts.

I'd avoid the wankier classic psychoanalysis stuff. And be careful with Gestalt therapy. There's very little basis for its ideas. It can also be very tricky when you are dealing with underlying trauma because it uses old ideas about raking up emotions as a therapeutic technique. This can be triggering and if you're not skilled in dealing with triggers, can prompt self harm.

Wishing you the very best.

Wish. Your description of Gestalt therapy does not match with my experience. I'd never say it was about ' raking up old emotions'. My therapist has been really skilled at helping me recognise when I am in danger of getting overwhelmed by emotions or being triggered and helping me develop a greater range of 'places to stand" so that I can avoid re-traumatisation.
My Gestalt therapist would also acknowledge "symptoms" as attempts by the person to solve the problems they perceive they have.
I think that the fact that you have so many people recommending so many different types of therapy goes to show that it is not a " one size fits all" situation.
It is really hard to know how to proceed with finding the 'right' therapist for yourself. I do hope you manage to find someone who really helps Alicia. It takes quite a bit of courage to step out and try and find a therapist. You are being really brave ( even if you don't think so!!).

That was meant to be "woah', not wish!

I second EMDR. Also just reading a book called Running on Empty by Dr Jonice Webb. About Childhood emotional neglect and explains why I am the way I am - quite similar to you in that I'm always looking for safety in relationships (friendships) - trust & loyalty are huge for me. And why I don't feel like I ever fit in or have any self discipline.

As a foster carer, I did therapeutic work with traumatised children. The approach is completely applicable to adults- in a way you are reparenting the damaged child within.

Your behaviours are survival strategies, some of them very helpful and protective, some of them are no longer effective. They aren't bad strategies or behaviours, they just don't work very well any more.

Try listening to the way you think of yourself (probably along the lines of 'I'm useless, I can't even make a coffee without dropping the mug, this always happens, I'm such an idiot'...and so on and so on). Then try and replace that with something more positive and accepting (drat, I've broken a cup, I'm gonna have to clear that up. What a pain.)

It's actually quite shocking when you start to notice, and change the chat. Well, it was for me. I had my mother's version for years (you're so clumsy, look what your doing, that was my favourite why don't you ever take care blah blah blah). Why did I do that to myself?

Thanks all for your really helpful replies.

I have had a look at CPTSD, and that seems to fit a lot. However, I feel totally fraudulent even thinking that I might have PTSD. I don't feel as though my past would at all be "bad enough" for that to be possible. My mum did some horrible stuff, that really scared me, but compared to some things that I have heard other people have been through, it feels like what I experienced was really minimal.

I read some stuff on the effect of trauma on brains today and was really interested to read that as the trauma affects the limbic brain, but most talking therapy requires us to use the cerebral cortex, it's not always effective to address and process the trauma. Fascinating. I mean, I'm no further forward with what type of therapy I need, but it was interesting reading nonetheless!

The unpredictability will have had an impact. Reliably abusive parents are easier to recover from than unpredictable ones.

Don't underestimate what you experienced. Accept that you needed more than you got. Try and make it up to yourself, if you can!

@picklemepopcorn the unpredictability, and the mismatch between what I see (anger) and what I hear (denial of anger) is a complete mindfuck. Even now I can't read people at all, or believe what they say, because how do I know it to be true?

So, that sounds perfectly reasonable. A protective strategy.

You have every right to want to wait and see whether someone speaks truthfully before allowing them into your world. You have learned that other people do not understand their own emotions, do not own their own behaviour, and are dangerous as a result.

One of the things we learned in fostering is not to strip away a child's defensive behaviours. They need them.

I agree, but then I’m an adult now, and that protective strategy can be prohibitive and punishing instead of protecting me from something that isn’t necessarily harmful at all. I don’t know how to get past that.

If it were me, I'd notice when I was doing it, honour the instinct, then choose to do differently. But of course I'm just guessing about what is going on in your life! I could be getting it all wrong!

That is why therapy helps. It can be too hard to rewire your learned strategies on your own. Without therapy I don't think I would have even seen some of my strategies, let alone learned new ones.

I recommend looking online. Richard Grannon specialises in abusive parenting and subsequent abusive relationships, he is based in the UK I believe but offers online coaching and counselling as far as I am aware. There are others such as Inner Integration, Lisa A. Romano, Balance Psychologies. All these channels and their free resources have helped me immensely.

To update, I've started counselling that's run by a trauma organisation. I had my first session last week, and it seemed to go ok.

I'm seeing her again tomorrow, and I feel a bit manic today.

I just want all of this stuff out of my head.

I know therapy doesn't usually happen like that, and that you build up a relationship with somebody first, but I can't keep this stuff inside any more. It's like I have done that for 30+ years, and I'm done. It feels as though I am going to explode with all of this information and details of abuse.

Is this normal? Is it ok to just tell her everything on a second session?

Hi why not look up Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. It identifies traits in individuals who come from these background and there are groups you can go to.
May also be worth looking up CODA. Co - dependent issues.
Good luck.

@AliciaWhiskers yes it’s ok to tell her everything on the second session. Mi would say that it might that you can’t save enough in the first session so now want to dump it all.
It’s fine. They are trauma specialists. She will be able to handle that. :)