Is this emotional abuse?

[misshapenchaos]

Hi

I know the answer to this question already but I am really struggling to fully accept it right now. It feels unreal and I am feeling a bit lost. I would just really like some insight/opinions/advice.

I have been married for nearly 10 years. I have 3 wonderful children, aged 8, 5 and 2. They are everything to me. I continued working for a year after having my first child and then stopped due to moving far away to be nearer family. I am a stay at home mum now for about 8 years, so as you can imagine I am terrified at the prospect of going it alone.

My husband has always been a bit of a grouch, but in the beginning he was like a dream. He was so kind and loving and I thought I'd married my soul mate. Anyway quite soon after having our first child he started to be quite curt, not as caring, called our baby 'weird and not like a normal child' because she cried all evening with cholic. He said around that time he wanted a divorce. He was later sorry for this stuff and on life went. We had mini dramas but nothing too major. Him going for lap dancing (and denying it) and telling me all the guys in the office think he fancied the new girl (young and attractive), this was just after I had our 2nd child and I felt quite vulnerable.
My 3rd pregnancy I struggled with my mental health and although he got very frustrated with me at times, he was there for me.

Fast forward to now and he has become a bit of a nightmare to live with, I will just list some examples although not an exhaustive list:

-never happy, no matter how much i do he complains, moans, finds the one thing I didn't do.
-seems to create chaos whenever he is around the kids at bedtime, one minute all horse play and the next screaming in their faces and marshalling them around.
-doesn't contribute much to the housework at all. Although will offer to get things from the shops on way home from work.
-never gets up early with kids at weekend, says he needs the rest, so he always sleeps in. ( i dont mind this as i am used to getting up early with them, it would just be nice for him to consider me once in a while).
-will often sleep on couch or play his computer games during day at weekend, and i get left doing most of the work/childcare.
He doesn't have a steady job right now, (but has found work in his industry quite ad-hoc and well paid) as he was let go from the company he is with, and currently is pursuing them through the courts for unfair dismissal/commission he is owed.
-we were in so much debt we had to be bailed out by my family, this was legacy debt from the early days that was accrued due to amongst other things his love of flash cars/all latest technology etc.
So recently he was involved in a road rage incident and the police were round, no charges pressed as it was dropped due to being deemed 50/50.
He has become increasingly verbally and emotionally abusive towards me, calling me 'woman' all the time, ie if i ask him to do something or dare to disagree he will say 'oh shut up woman' or 'give it a rest woman', despite me saying I don't appreciate it especially in front of the kids. He always says 'you wouldnt understand this or that'. He was very angry recently that i didn't tell him I was going to be late back from a shop at aldi for and made such a scene in front of the kids when i returned, you would think I had deserted them.

He is always critical with me and I have learnt not to engage as then we will argue and I don't want the kids to see that too often.

Lately he has become increasingly short tempered with the children, particularly our middle child. He criticises her often, has repeatedly called her 'wicked' and 'evil child' for minor things, like taking her little brothers toy away etc. I am convinced she is aware of the tension and that is how it comes out in her behaviour.

Recently when I said to him that the road rage thing might not have happened if he hadnt driven alongside the other car making faces etc, he threw a large, heavy roll of bin bags at me, hitting me in the stomach, as I sat watching bake off. I was shocked as I had no idea they were headed my way and i felt really upset. He came up to see me, I was in the toilet and just wanted a bit of peace and he said 'really? are you going to get upset over a bin bag?' i just feel at a loss.

Lately he has tripped my middle child up and last night he picked her up and threw her down on the floor just because she went to jump on the bed when he was making it. He screams in the children's faces and scares them.

I am sorry for this outpouring. I dont know what to do. I dont feel like I love him anymore and I worry about the impact on my children. I'm scared of the unknown yet know I cant do nothing about this situation.

Thanks

Agree with@cordeliavorkosigan

I agree he’s keeping tabs on you somehow. My ex did the same. Be very careful. He’s manipulating you right now

He is very IT savvy. He said about a year ago he had purchased software that allows him to see any websites visited, but as far as I was aware that was just on the PC and tablet, not my mobile phone. I only use my phone for MN and any other related searches etc. I have changed pin recently also just in case.

I keep feeling guilty, like I am being sneaky. And despite everything discussed here the kids do adore him.

I think I'm just finding it hard to be around him right now and trying to be as 'normal' as possible for the kids.

He just came down and said "thank you for letting me have a long lie" and he put his arm round my waist. I said "I didnt even think about it, it's just the same as always.

I just feel so in limbo.

Do you use the home WiFi for your phone?

Of course you do, who wouldn't... If he's pretty techy, he can track what you're doing online from the WiFi. You need to use your 4g, that would be safer (unless he has access to your phone).

Unless, did he "set up" your phone for you, by any chance?

If he did set up your phone for you, reset it to factory settings or if you're not confident to, pop into a phone place and get them to do it for you.

You are not at fault. His behaviour is unacceptable. I threw my abusive ex H out last year, things were really difficult at first but certainly not as difficult as living with him.
Recently I attended something where we were asked to reflect on something we've done of which we were most proud. For me it was my decision to get him out. In many ways it would have been easier to live with the abuse but I am so very glad I chose not to. It was tough going but definitely worth it. Don't accept this behaviour in your own home. The peace of mind that you have when you can provide a calm, safe & nurturing home for your DC will be something you treasure.

Other PPs have already covered the abuse - something else jumped out at me from your posts:

He's been out of work for 9 months, but you still do all the housework and all the childcare, and he gets all the lie-ins at weekends?

He's having a laugh.

He lost his permanent job but has been working on a regular ad hoc basis ever since, so still working. I think the tracking of websites visited etc actually might be at the router level, so maybe whenever I use wifi. I dont know what kind of detail it shows though. He is quite into monitoring of online stuff, he is in IT so takes great pains to make sure we are not 'cyber attacked'. He also comments/complains if ever turn my location setting off on my phone. He says he just likes to know that I'm ok. I cant really ask in him much about it now as he will know I'm trying to hide something.

I wouldn't ask him about it. Really don't ask him about it. Just assume he is tracking your online activity.

Did he set up your phone? Because it's no point using the 4g instead if he did, because he could have installed stuff on it. In which case you need to reset it to factory settings.

I'd leave your location on day to day. Simply switch off your phone for a while if you intend to go anywhere like say a solicitors, CAB etc and say your phone ran out of charge or whatnot.

I agree that he is almost certainly tracking you online.

This is really worrying OP.

I think you really need to be making plans to get out.

And get a new payg phone.

I don't know if he is monitoring or if he just senses a change. I'm pretty sure I know what response I will get, but do you think I should address anything with him one final time in a fuller way rather than what he would just think of as me moaning or having a go at him, should I sit him down and let him know where I'm at with everything. Should I say that I'm thinking of leaving? I know most people will advise not to say anything and I understand why. I just think am i being callous just being gone one day.

I wish I was very resolute in my mind.

He's abusive, OP.

Any normal adult knows not to knock their kids down, throw things at their partner, verbally and emotionally abuse their dc and partner without needing to be sat down and told it's not OK.

I wouldn't give a crap. He's chose to do this to you. Don't feel guilty about leaving because he doesn't feel guilty about what he's doing to you and your kids.

Quite curt.
Oh I read it as
"Quite cunt" which is what he is.

And no absolutely don’t say anything to him because if you do you will sadly be putting your children at risk of an escalated level of violence.
Your situation is very dangerous whether you recognise it or not... and you need professional help. The reason for this is that when you leave, if the incidents against your children aren’t recorded, he will have unsupervised access.
There’s every possibility he will ‘blame’ them and punish them accordingly in your absence.
Don’t underestimate this risk.
You need to get out as quickly and quietly as possible , ensuring you have some trusted individuals and professionals to protect you from his aggression.
Don’t look back , seriously.

Also. Yes this is emotional abuse and...
It’s actual domestic violence.
As a mother you have no choice but to protect your children from it.
It’s the same as stopping them drinking poisonous things, or stopping them running off cliff edges. You have no choice but to save them from this, at whatever cost, be it emotional, financial or otherwise

No no no no don't tell him you're thinking of leaving!! Get yours and the kids important documents into a safe place out of the house. Tell someone in real life what's going on inside your house. I find it chilling that he's now being nice to you and saying thank you when he never has before. I don't think he's changed. He's being nice to reel you back in. Once he's got you settled back down, the abuse will escalate. It's how this cycle works.

Believe your daughter. He used his arm to shove a child backwards so hard her feet lifted off the floor. If a stranger did that to her how would you feel?