Is this emotional abuse?

[misshapenchaos]

Hi

I know the answer to this question already but I am really struggling to fully accept it right now. It feels unreal and I am feeling a bit lost. I would just really like some insight/opinions/advice.

I have been married for nearly 10 years. I have 3 wonderful children, aged 8, 5 and 2. They are everything to me. I continued working for a year after having my first child and then stopped due to moving far away to be nearer family. I am a stay at home mum now for about 8 years, so as you can imagine I am terrified at the prospect of going it alone.

My husband has always been a bit of a grouch, but in the beginning he was like a dream. He was so kind and loving and I thought I'd married my soul mate. Anyway quite soon after having our first child he started to be quite curt, not as caring, called our baby 'weird and not like a normal child' because she cried all evening with cholic. He said around that time he wanted a divorce. He was later sorry for this stuff and on life went. We had mini dramas but nothing too major. Him going for lap dancing (and denying it) and telling me all the guys in the office think he fancied the new girl (young and attractive), this was just after I had our 2nd child and I felt quite vulnerable.
My 3rd pregnancy I struggled with my mental health and although he got very frustrated with me at times, he was there for me.

Fast forward to now and he has become a bit of a nightmare to live with, I will just list some examples although not an exhaustive list:

-never happy, no matter how much i do he complains, moans, finds the one thing I didn't do.
-seems to create chaos whenever he is around the kids at bedtime, one minute all horse play and the next screaming in their faces and marshalling them around.
-doesn't contribute much to the housework at all. Although will offer to get things from the shops on way home from work.
-never gets up early with kids at weekend, says he needs the rest, so he always sleeps in. ( i dont mind this as i am used to getting up early with them, it would just be nice for him to consider me once in a while).
-will often sleep on couch or play his computer games during day at weekend, and i get left doing most of the work/childcare.
He doesn't have a steady job right now, (but has found work in his industry quite ad-hoc and well paid) as he was let go from the company he is with, and currently is pursuing them through the courts for unfair dismissal/commission he is owed.
-we were in so much debt we had to be bailed out by my family, this was legacy debt from the early days that was accrued due to amongst other things his love of flash cars/all latest technology etc.
So recently he was involved in a road rage incident and the police were round, no charges pressed as it was dropped due to being deemed 50/50.
He has become increasingly verbally and emotionally abusive towards me, calling me 'woman' all the time, ie if i ask him to do something or dare to disagree he will say 'oh shut up woman' or 'give it a rest woman', despite me saying I don't appreciate it especially in front of the kids. He always says 'you wouldnt understand this or that'. He was very angry recently that i didn't tell him I was going to be late back from a shop at aldi for and made such a scene in front of the kids when i returned, you would think I had deserted them.

He is always critical with me and I have learnt not to engage as then we will argue and I don't want the kids to see that too often.

Lately he has become increasingly short tempered with the children, particularly our middle child. He criticises her often, has repeatedly called her 'wicked' and 'evil child' for minor things, like taking her little brothers toy away etc. I am convinced she is aware of the tension and that is how it comes out in her behaviour.

Recently when I said to him that the road rage thing might not have happened if he hadnt driven alongside the other car making faces etc, he threw a large, heavy roll of bin bags at me, hitting me in the stomach, as I sat watching bake off. I was shocked as I had no idea they were headed my way and i felt really upset. He came up to see me, I was in the toilet and just wanted a bit of peace and he said 'really? are you going to get upset over a bin bag?' i just feel at a loss.

Lately he has tripped my middle child up and last night he picked her up and threw her down on the floor just because she went to jump on the bed when he was making it. He screams in the children's faces and scares them.

I am sorry for this outpouring. I dont know what to do. I dont feel like I love him anymore and I worry about the impact on my children. I'm scared of the unknown yet know I cant do nothing about this situation.

Thanks

He said it wasn't a big deal what happened. That he just blocked her off at the door frame. He claims he didnt pick her up or shove her. She told me she straight away he pushed her and she felt her feet lift off the ground.

I dont think that's ok. But he says I always blow things out of proportion and side with the kids.

You don't need a "reason" to leave a relationship (or anybodies permission) but sounds like you have a shit tonne of reasons to leave (or make him leave).

The minimising and denying here is classic abuser, refusing to acknowledge issues or get help, and he's not "just" emotionally abusive, he's abusive in lots of ways (and emotional abuse is bad enough!) So abusive is he, in fact, that he is trying to abuse the general public now too.

The "grouch" thing is just an abuser by any other name anyway. We used to call them "grouchy old men" now we are starting to call them "abusive men" as we stop excising abusers and start changing society.

Yes he can get help, I'm sure. But he needs to want help. Any help you get together he will probably use the sessions to manipulate the counsellor into believing you are the problem instead, and in order to not have to take responsibility for anything himself. Leaving him might give him the kick up the arse he needs to get help himself but he needs to do it himself.

Excusing abusers that meant sorry

He is gas lighting your daughter (and you). This is a big deal. Do not let yourself or your daughter believe otherwise.

My mum and dad are very supportive in many ways but not keen on their space being invaded

Pretty sure they'd prefer that to their grandchildren being physically and emotionally abused.

Great that you have taken the step to speak to Women's Aid. That's a massive step. Well done. I really do think you need to speak to your parents though. There's a good chance his behaviour will escalate if he realises he's losing control over you.

Wishing you all the best, please keep posting if it's helping.

It is helping, thank you. It gave me the courage to phone the local WA and make the appointment. I had been agonising over it as it meant I was no longer anonymous but these comments validate my feelings. I've just lost my gut instinct a bit.
I'm terrified beyond terrified of some sort of mental health issue recurring on the back of this as I have to keep my kids safe and cushioned from this if we do move out.

He isn't all bad you know. He does have fun with the kids when he's in the right frame of mind. I'm sure he does love them he just has an incredibly short fuse and angry temper.

I also think am I walking out in his time of need? He lost his job at beginning of year and has said recently he knows he's not been easy to live with but that it's just been such a hard year.

He didnt abandon me when I was unwell in my last preg.

You always side with the kids yet your allowing them to stay in an abusive environment

Him having a tough year doesn't mean he can take it out on you and the kids. That's just bullying, however you look at it.

You say he frequently loses his rag and shouts at the kids. Now he's getting physical. It's time to get you and them out of there and somewhere safe.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I'm taking steps to remove myself.

I can't believe you are making excuses and minimising this situation he's abusing your children mentally and physically.

But the normal times (sorry, I'm not calling them 'good' because what you describe isn't, it's just what the base level should be) don't outweigh the damage he does.

Your mh problems are likely caused by living like this. He's constantly gas-lighting you, which is why you don't trust yourself.

He's doing incalculable damage to your dc's wellbeing.

Of course he downplays his behaviour towards your dc. He's scarcely going to own up to being a bullying, abusive cunt now is he?

I'm taking steps to remove myself.

Good news for all of you. Do not warn him or tell him in advance. And most importantly, keep you and the DC safe.

But he says I always blow things out of proportion and side with the kids

You wrote that, OP. Read it again. And again. You are trying to protect your children from this disgraceful man and he's blaming you.

Let me guess - he tells you that it is the kids' fault for making him angry. And your fault for allowing them to misbehave.

Please be strong, protect your children, and do your best to get yourself and them out of this awful situation.

I keep thinking I must have made it sound worse than it is but all i have recorded is the facts. It doesn't feel like it's really happening. The man that comes in the door and kisses me and asks about my day is this man? I know I must sound crazy. It just feels unreal.

I keep thinking I must have made it sound worse than it is

This is because he has ground you down so much it feels normal. It really isn't. And you are doing absolutely the right thing by taking action.

I hope things are quiet tonight and your appointment with Women's Aid tomorrow goes well. We are all here and listening if you need us.

Abusers aren't abusive all the time. They have to be 'nice' sometimes or no one would go near them.

Well done for calling WA. I hope they were helpful to you. You have clearly described a pattern of escalating abuse beginning with the birth of your first child. Fear, love of the ‘good parts’ of someone and struggles with your own boundaries make it very hard to recognise, let alone leave, an abusive situation. If you have made the choice to go now, do it very carefully and don’t tell him. Violence escalates when we try and leave abusive relationships. Make sure you have yours and your DCs’ passports and other important documents, just take what you need (including any medications) and go. If someone can collect you, accept their help. Do it whilst your husband is out. Good luck!

This is what these arseholes do, they manipulate and make you feel you’re crazy and that you’re blowing things out of proportion, you’re in the wrong, no one will ever believe you. They charm every fucker around them even people who are both your friends will believe him. Make plans, make them safely, make sure you have all your documents, passports etc, if you can save some little bits of cash do it. Any medication have with you. Confide in a real life person that you can trust, someone at school a teacher or maybe your GP. Women’s aid are fantastic. The most important thing is when you’re making plans to leave that your are all safe.

Make sure you write things down times and dates etc, this will help.

You cannot live a life with someone like this they will never change no matter what they say to you.

I do hope you it works out for you

He didnt abandon me when I was unwell in my last preg.

That's a really low bar of expectation there. Are you supposed to be grateful that he stayed? Does he tell you were lucky he stayed?

Sorry to go on, but normal is staying with your partner when she's ill in pregnancy: more than that, it's supporting her and looking after her, and doing what you can to make things easier. It's really abnormal that abandoning you would come up as a possibility.

@guesswhocoleen is on the money. Only that you dont need to wait for a kid to tell them. You can do yourself. They will ve able to pull strings for you and it could look like school instigated it not you. It could be a safe bet for you.

Hi,

I went to see WA and it was helpful but also very emotional.

My husbands behaviour seems quite out of character over the last couple of days. Last night he came home and was very nice, not too grumpy. This morning he was saying "is there anything else I can do at this stage?" ie to help get the kids organised for the day etc. I said to him "no thanks, we are fine, why are you being like that anyway?" And he said "I'm always like this, a loving and devoted husband and father." He then kissed me on the neck.

I feel like his behaviour is a little odd and out of character. It is almost as if he knows or can read my mind. I doubt he does know but maybe is sensing that I'm more distant.

Thanks

He's probably reading your posts, not your mind OP.

Or he's going by the script.
Ramp it up, play it down.

'I'm terrified beyond terrified of some sort of mental health issue recurring on the back of this '

You'll be fine- any sign of being 'off' then seek help immediately and it'll nip it in the bud.

'But he says I always ...side with the kids.'

And this is wrong how?

'And he said "I'm always like this, a loving and devoted husband and father." '

He knows he's crossed the line even further with the throwing your daughter incident because it was on top of the bin bag incident. He's trying to make you think he's not how you know he is. You know he's not 'always like this' when it comes to helping with the kids, you know that's bollox, as he doesn't do it. I suppose it's gaslighting, he's trying to make you think things aren't how you know they are through the evidence of your own senses.

He's an abuser, basically.

'I also think am I walking out in his time of need? He lost his job at beginning of year and has said recently he knows he's not been easy to live with but that it's just been such a hard year.

He didnt abandon me when I was unwell in my last preg.'

I doubt you were abusing him and the kids like he is, though. At the very least, this shows he could be this abusive at any other time in future when times are hard. This sort of stuff often escalates, anyway.

Hi op, he's either sensed you're seeing things differently or he's keeping tabs on you. Does he have access to your devices?

Being nice for a few days is just to reel you back in and confuse, and make you doubt your perceptions. No one who was genuinely a loving husband and father would need to say that. It's more gas-lighting.

I think it would be a good thing if your children's lives WERE turned upside down, because their current lives are terrifying. Sometimes Daddy is lovely, sometimes he beats them up. Noone knows which Daddy is going to appear today. I dont think you appreciate just how disturbing this is to small children.